How to Argue, Part 3

Once upon a time, people didn’t know how to make fire. Until one day someone figured it out, people just shut up and listened, and everyone knew how to be warm, cook stuff, and purify water. Note that no one claimed that they had the idea first or fire was a gift from the gods so they should be thanked, and if you don’t, you’ll die and don’t deserve it, because, logic. And if no one agreed with them, racism.

But if someone did, that person was then offered to a Sabertooth tiger as a snack, hopefully.

Traps

This wasn’t the first trick or trap, in fact there are far too many, and we all know someone, or several people, who should be mauled by a Sabertooth tiger. There’s logical fallacies, false correlations, manipulation, outright bullying, peer pressure, so many things that trip you up and trick you into doubting yourself.

Logical Fallacies

Bad things do not happen because God hates you, God is far too busy to deal with your crap. Also, no country is objectively the greatest country on Earth, that’s extremely personal and relative. Although some far outrank others. And if you believe in spontaneous generation, don’t, the bug eggs are laid in the rotting meat by mommy and daddy bugs and that’s where babies come from.

Your brain is very lazy, it will take neurological shortcuts to simplify things, and see and insinuate patterns, or what it’s energetic enough to see. Which is why stereotypes, racism, and religion are things, also conspiracy theories.

Your brain is also biased, and you are biased, and can be wrong, along with your brain, also your memory is crap. But there is hope, once you take the blinders off and see your faults, you can overcome them.

Common Examples

Stats

Numbers and statistics are a reliable source of information, but none the less can be manipulated and abused. 90% of people like cake, 10% like pie, is a set of statistics, but if you only poll 10 people that’s not representative of a population. And if your sales are $1 it’s very easy for them to double in a year.

Numbers can also be over and under reported. Car travel is actually much more dangerous than air travel, but a fear of flying is more commonly reported than a fear of driving. Situations like this easily become “facts”, and “logical” assumptions.

Do you see any good examples of certain minorities on the news? Compare that to, yeah- racism. There’s also chauvinism, so many -isms inspired by “facts”. “Facts” that go onto support…

Survivor Bias

That would never happen to me, I would never do that, if I were you, are all things you have said or thought. These are examples of survivor bias. If you can do, or survive, so and so, why can’t someone else? You’re right and there’s something wrong with them.

Survivor bias is like throwing your shoes at someone else, demanding that they fit! But they don’t because everyone has different feet. Not only are your feelings not evidence, it’s also impossible to (metaphorically) rely on your experience, all the time. But if someone literally shoots you and drives off you should still call the police.

False-ness

-False Correlations

What do all pregnant teenagers have in common? They had sex? No, bad parenting, their parents weren’t there to monitor them 24/7 and close their legs. Which is impossible, but parenting is hard. And although parenting does involve sex, it doesn’t have anything to do with the products of your sex having sex, directly, hopefully.

Also, illness is not a curse from God, and not being good enough or to someone is an excuse for cheating. But cheating can directly be correlated with break ups, and never forgiving someone or seeing, respecting them ever again.

-False Authority

Speaking of parents, they are your parents. But there are limits to what you owe them, and they should respect you and be reasonably demanding. Just because someone is someone doesn’t mean you’re obligated to them, you have free will and choice.

This doesn’t mean you should exercise this all the time, but that’s how you learn what consequences are, and the authorities learn their limits, how people under them actually feel. And the Bible doesn’t have science in it.

Jesus

Jesus seems like a really great guy, it’s people who claim to know him that are the problem. Fake Clinics even give pregnant women, who want abortions for whatever reason, false information, that they claim is medical. Which is very dangerous and should be very illegal, no matter how you feel about abortion.

They are far from the only liars, generally delusional people though. Then there’s people who think that autism comes from vaccines, never give them a Bible.

Because they have enough feelings already. Not to say that religious texts are bad, but people tend to interpret them differently, pick and choose, plus they’re typically old, and can’t be applied in every situation.

The Bible says lots of things but noting about sexting. Or pants, they weren’t invented yet, and baked goods, besides bread. It’s probably not a sin to like brownies though, if it is you’re in a cult.

Targeting Weaknesses

Is any opponent’s go to strategy when they’re losing, rhetoric wise there are several insidious tactics.

-Sucking Up

Sucking Up is a classic. You might be right about some things, and suddenly be less wrong. But you need to understand, forgive, the other side. If not, the “But Yous” begin, and you “misunderstood”, or discrimination, oppression.  You’re the bad guy for not letting them be the good guy.

Then there’s just bullying, which quite often follows, and threats, slander. Essentially a hissy fit because you’re probably right and they don’t want to hear it, which often takes the form of peer pressure.

-Peer Pressure

The Asch Conformity Experiments are an example of this. Groups of people were presented with lines, and one was clearly longer, shorter, or different than the other. Everyone else, who were actors, had to agree that the lines were all the same. Anyone who protested eventually gave in to fall on line with the herd, be left alone, accepted.

This is used in arguing when people, especially your friends and family gang up on you to agree with them, and often ends up working. And when it doesn’t a narcissist gets punched in the balls by Jesus, maybe, someone does it, metaphorically.

-Lying

Then there’s just lying, purposeful or not. Purposeful lying is lying, stating false evidence, convincing people with not the truth. There’s also accidental lying, from someone’s purposeful or accidental influence.

People tend to say what other people want to hear, especially if they are in a weaker position. And do what other people want too. It’s why so many people have flags on their front porches in America, feel obligated to their religious or political views.

Saying what you think someone wants to hear is a huge problem on psychology, personality inventories, and rating systems. And hiring as well, people will say and do things to get a job. They’re hard to trust, people lie. Which is why reviews online preferably have written back up, evidence.

It’s also a problem with mentally ill people who lie on gun buying forms, to get guns. When they are not actually sane, despite their false answer. There’s also drugs, prescriptions, and underage drinking, but guns, seriously.

Lazy people who want to blend in, please others, and be left alone. It’s a trap, and far from the only one.

But how do you fight this? Learn how to fight the power in part 4.

How to Argue

Politics, religion, race, Facebook, the news- what isn’t there to argue about? The thing is, is it done well, are some arguments even arguments, structurally? The answer to both most of the time is, hopefully yes.

Arguments

What is an argument? Technically it is a conversation, written or verbal that revolves around how right or wrong one side, or an issue is. One or more people can have them. They are used to communicate and educate, build bridges when done well, or resolve the issue.

There are serious arguments, not so serious arguments, emotional arguments, logical arguments, logistical arguments- even animals have them, most predominantly cats and dogs.

 Not Arguments

What makes something not an argument? Usually when one side is obviously, factually incorrect, or you just start screaming at each other because feelings- forgetting whatever points you had.

For example, when you argue about illegal immigrants from Pluto, and then someone has to explain science to you- most likely getting very frustrated.

Being civil, listening, and getting over your biases make an argument. Screaming and relying on your feelings, and only your experiences, or something you read on Facebook, doesn’t. Manners and intelligence maketh the argument.

Manners

There is an unwritten etiquette to arguing, everyone deserves a chance to speak, and entertain other notions that aren’t their own. Like maybe Pluto is a freezing hell on the fringes of the solar System that is incapable of hosting intelligent life.

You also must consider others, their experiences, viewpoints. Not only to win, but to also reach amicable solutions. Because even Jesus isn’t the sun, the world revolves around no one. Also, refrain from shouting and resorting to bullying, or force of numbers, sheer passion!

That’s how Gileads are made, do not make a Gilead.

How to

Arguments are a simple concept with universal basics- at least one person, at least two viewpoints, and actual points, plus a means of communicating them.

The Classics

If you made it to high school, or a really nice middle school, you know the foundations of presenting your case. Rhetoric is its own field of study, paired with composition it counts as a major. It is based on four simple concepts:

Ethos

What kind of people are you trying to convince, who’s your audience? Do they have any cultural beliefs, conventions you have to consider? When arguing about Illegal Immigrants from Pluto, a Scientist will remind you Pluto is not a planet, while your therapist might give you Lithium based medication.

 Logos

What is the scientific, logical base of your argument, where’s your evidence? To try a murder in most states, you need a body, or at least a motive and a weapon. Without evidence, you have no argument, or anything to argue about.

Pathos

Feelings, people have them. You also need to appeal to them. You couldn’t convince the Pope that Planned Parenthood isn’t that bad based on the money it saves government assistance over 18 years. The Pope, and people who love babies don’t care about that.

It is also the wrong audience, although perfectly good evidence.

Kairos

Timing is everything, a perfectly timed moment, opportunistic strike has convinced masses, and will continue to do so. Germany didn’t invade Poland just because in the midst of renewed vigor and nationalist fervor. No, Poland totally “attacked” Germany and because German greatness Germany fought back, and won.

This was a lie, but the Nazis knew when and where to strike. Archduke Ferdinand’s assassin also had perfect timing. And isn’t a war a long, drawn out, costly in life and resources argument?

Without any of these, you have no case. And will lose if you fake having one. People act stupid sometimes but aren’t that stupid. Unless they watch Fox News, but that gets into biases. Which will be covered in part two, they’re great for convincing niche audiences.

Cthulhumas

Deep in the Ocean one Nov.16^th,

Cthulhu was gritting his teeth.

Why was he doing this you ask?

He was arm wrestling Jesus-

and thought he was up to the task.

But Jesus had been a carpenter,

so he had guns-

sadly our Lord of the Deep had none.

Cthulhu was mad,

and the surface world was about to be very sad,

when Jesus came in with the steal-

why not visit the surface you so wish to destroy,

before it goes down for real?

So Cthulhu pondered, snacked on a baby-

and when he woke up the next day he thought maybe,

I will give peace a chance-

along with enjambment.

Then Cthulhu got another idea,

why not bring all my friends from here,

to there,

hang out with Jesus with me-

so you see,

he sent Jesus a text.

And on Nov. 17^th,

what did the surface see next?

Cthulhu, king of the sea,

and his two friends, not three.

Why two not three?

Who knows?

But up from the sea came the ghost of Jacques Costeau-

riding Blarg the Angler Fish,

their guiding light-

don’t look at his face,

it will give you quite a fright.

Who else would come, who should?

Why Natalie Wood!

Riding Kaitlin the Seahorse,

her trusty steed-

but there was something Kaitlin would need.

Natalie, resplendent in all her sea foam,

went to all the children’s homes,

to ask if they had seashells to spare

for Kaitlyn’s bridle-

just a few, her demands weren’t too wild.

And the good children who gave some

were given Swedish fish,

fulfilling their every Cthulhumas wish

and the children who didn’t were given pufferfish.

While all of their parents joyously caroled

on their way to prostate and pleed,

to get down on their hands and knees-

to beg Cthulhu to save their coastal cities

because Global warming-

and without warning

Cthulhu said he’d consider it,

if he was presented with more Cheddar Bay Biscuits,

from his favorite restaurant Red Lobster-

Cthulhu isn’t a total monster.

And everyone was sad, they cried,

how will we bake all those Cheddar Bay Biscuits in time?

Blarg saw their fear and their tears,

and cried as well,

and little did they know,

that in his native dark, watery hell-

Blarg cried special tears and sobs,

and as he sang over them his magic Blarg song

they turned into cheddar bay biscuits-

which they gave to Cthulhu,

but they still knew

not to look at Blarg’s face, or in his dead eyes.

he still did a good job with the Cheddar Bay Biscuits-

what a great grotesquely ugly fish guy!

As the ghost of Jacques Costeau made it rain sardines-

as if from the sky.

Cthulhu was pleased,

in fact so very much appeased

that the Netherlands would live,

hip, hip hooray!

and also New Orleans,

and other port cities by oceans and bays.

Cthulu decrees that this was a party, feast, celebration-

and with great elation,

Cthulhu got white girl wasted!

And when he woke up,

he went to brunch,

and started to remember how much fun he had-

oh so much.

In fact Blarg and Kaitlin accidentally-

he thought he should do this again,

every year.

Which is why the Dark Lord of the Ocean that you

normally fear comes every November 17^th,

for his tribute and Cthulhumas feast.

Proclaiming how much he loves Jews.

Why you ask?

Well, it wasn’t in the news.

In his spiked chariot driven by a school of lobsters.

Which is 8,

the student to teacher ratio is great.

Bringing his friends the ghost of Jacques Costeau

and Natalie Wood,

we always leave her some seashells,

trust me, we really should.

And why facing the sea,

we grovel and beg-

those levees in Bangladesh are on their last leg.

But when Cthulhu is appeased-

guess who gets to feast on sardines?

So as Jesus and we count down the days

until he goes to see his friend

in the watery grave,

the depths of the sea,

to arm wrestle with him-

and just between you and me,

our Kraken king looks forward to losing,

so he can visit us on the surface,

his followers so very, very penitent and amusing,

who leave him Cheddar Bay Biscuits

and Tequila,

wouldn’t that give even Jesus a

good reason to come see ya?

Boss: You’re not getting off early Friday to save your spot in line for the Justice League premiere.

Me: You intolerant, racist bastard.

Boss: That Batman T-shirt is very professional.

Faking it for Other’s Pleasure

Pleasing others at your own personal expense is a long-held tradition across all cultures. So is plotting the demise of humanity. The Masses are supposed to accommodate the interests of the minority, but this is rarely enforced.

Which is why we poor introverts are forced to go along with what the extroverts want. But those secret meetings we’ve been having on the telepathic network have been paying in divid…squirrel!

But since extroverts are so simple minded and pedestrian, it’s quite easy to blend in, live unnoticed. The code word is “Splunge”. Their typical behaviors include:

-Opening Their Mouths for No Reason

-Not Closing Them

-“Helping”

-Being Bothersome

-Slipping and Falling Into Bear Traps

-Not Seeing the Obvious

-Not Getting Your Awesome Harry Potter Jokes

But never fear, you can imitate this, no, don’t run away, if we imitate them they won’t notice when we shout the code word. Good, you came back, welcome back to the plan, bring it in for an acknowledgment of your mental fortitude.

Extrovert Juice

Our Scientists have found that by simply drinking alcohol, we can imitate their behavior. There are many delicious combinations of alcohols and kinds of alcohols. Our research teams set the bar high for themselves, then immediately regretted it. So the extrovert juice was working.

When they found themselves unable to belly up to it, disappointed in their lives and selves, they really felt like extroverts. So normal, unaccomplished, and so, ordinary, prosaic-they felt like everyone else!

Non-Alcoholic Options

But there are non-alcoholic options. Try opening your mouth, just say words, lots and lots of words. When your therapist asks what you’re doing say “Art”. And that you feel like you’re being judged.

“Helping”

Help a perfectly competent person cross the road. Demand that they get out of their car and get some exercise, glare at them through their window until they acquiesce to your demands and…oh, that’s right, that’s not a good idea. It looks like you have autism, then you definitely don’t blend in.

Just find a woman and tell her she shouldn’t be able to walk. You’ll blend in, especially if you’re a male. Apparently, it is feminist and a compliment.

Stupid Questions

Also ask stupid questions, for example when you’re checking out at the grocery store. “So if I started a business literally called “Your Business”? Or at work, “Am I black?”, and don’t remember anything, take nothing in, digest nothing. So just spend a lot of time on Facebook.

Feelings & Opinions are Facts

Nowadays, not seeing the obvious is very easy. Tell your boss that high fives from Jesus cure homosexuality, the Westboro Baptist Church says so. And just express the heck out of your feelings.

For example, acknowledge aloud when you have to poop, loudly, inquire about the time you will get nachos. Start an argument, fight, a great way to do so is simply ask “Would you like to argue or fight because?”. Something will come up, millenials.

Not Getting Awesome Harry Potter Jokes

Humans are silly, I miss our home planet. And if you want to not get awesome Harry Potter jokes, just don’t be awesome. What do you mean “no one nose”, of course, there’s a way to describe Voldemort, derr, just an example. Or forget you read the books.

Special Occasions

Special occasions are called special because they make you feel special. But pretend not to be special by being special because they’re also called special because they’re for special people, you are the special. They also usually involve extrovert juice.

Social Gatherings

Parties and Family Gatherings are such occasions. Pretend you came out of that woman by remembering nothing, asking stupid questions like, are you okay, and talking about feelings and that you should go out more and have friends. I’m worried about you, did you bedazzle a bear trap? Silly things like that, you were bored.

Dates

If you also want a free meal and find yourself on a date, that is a perfect time to fake it for someone else’s pleasure, it also helps if you say your date’s name, a lot. This also works at most other occasions. Even family gatherings.

There are many wonderful reasons to fake it for someone else’s pleasure. So many wonderful reasons that suit your wonderful purposes. A means to an end means you have to reach that end, luckily you rarely have to say the alphabet backward. But whether or not you try the extrovert juice technique or non-alcoholic method, be your best, not yourself.

That way they’ll never see your true self coming.

How to Give a Hug

HUMAN TOUCH!!! A powerful, essential thing for the functioning of human societies. When humans touch each other, oxytocin and other drugs flow through their brains and systems, making them happy. The power of human touch can be very healing.

For example, high fives from Jesus are proven to cure you of homosexuality, I, how did this, never go past the first page of Google kids. There it is, hugs, aka short cuddles. One of the most primal first learned forms of touch. Along with sending your children to boarding school so your house is quiet and clean. And they get a good education.

What does “hugs” stand for? Hugely, Unnece….underrated gesture, sure. There are many different kinds of hugs, friendly hugs, comforting hugs, loving hugs, going in for a smooch hugs, which lead to special hugs. A subject which is covered by the internet.

Why? Well, when we invented the internet we made it for pussies hoping that they’d resume their original programming, but then that word obtained a secondary definition through the evolution of language. Don’t google it.

The basic hug is a simple 10 step process, but before we get to those exciting, scientific, technical steps, who should you hug? You can’t just go around giving hugs to strangers, especially special ones.

You have to feel comfortable with your potential hugee, trust them. Is this a purely ordinary, non-special hug? Those are the best, purest, and friendliest of hugs. Do you love and care about your potential hugee, would you like a hug? Would they like some drugs? Would you like some drugs? If all these conditions are met here are others to consider:

Disease? Yes, disease, especially COMMUNICABLE DISEASE. Communicable diseases permeate society and brought entire civilizations to an end. If you want to keep civilization in fact, here’s a handy-dandy list, of death. Study it well if you want to survive.

Now that you’ve familiarized yourself with the symptoms of EBOLA and the Pox, Great and Small, you can now safely learn how to give a hug.

All those steps seem complicated and confusing, here are some tips to help you navigate through them successfully.

Extend Left Arm

If you have arms, you have a left and a right arm. Unless you live in India and are one of those people that are believed to be incarnations of gods. Finding your left arm is very simple. Make an “L” with your thumb and index finger. If you’re dyslexic the “L” on your left arm is backward.

If you’ve had a bit too much it’s blurry, and if you’re not dyslexic or drunk, the “L” is on your left arm.

Extend Right Arm

Do you lack social skills and have no friends? Or directionally challenged? Make a hook with your index finger. Bring your index finger from the hand on your other arm, and make a 180-degree vertical line that adjoins with the second knuckle, forming a “r”.

See where that finger came from? It’s from your right arm! And now you know a cool party trick! For instructions for the blind, telepathically send me a message, subject, “John Cena is My Favorite Wrestler.”

Approaching Hugee

How you approach someone or something is everything. Do not approach your hugee like a zombie, or Dracula. In fact, it is recommended to wait until the huggee gives their consent to extend your arms.

And to relax, be at ease, walk, do not run. Be casual, don’t say you should move in together. Be Cool, don’t congratulate them and tell them they don’t have the Great Pox. Just accept your hugee for who or what they are.

Asking for Consent

The art of conversation is an art. A skill, communication is a valuable skill. When asking for consent don’t be aggressive, or pushy. Politely inquire if they would like a hug. If they say yes, proceed. If they say no, it means no. If they are thinking about it, don’t pounce on them and swear you’ll love them forever. Someone has a drug problem.

Taking Hugee in Arms

Do not pull your hugee in aggressively, you could bump heads and then bleed out and die. Be gentle, gingerly scooch them your direction, at the appropriate distance, uglies rarely accidentally bump into each other.

They might even do this step by themselves if they’ve been trained properly.

Placing of Hands

Find your butt, there it is! Your hugee also has one, don’t touch it! Friends don’t grope friends! Have you ever played baseball or softball? The strike range is the hand placement range. If necessary, measure your hugee and adjust your calculations as necessary.

If you have a height difference, this step cannot be avoided, note the distance to avoid future embarrassment.

Time Limits

Hugs feel good, make you feel good. Just don’t linger too long, if you’re just friends, or your hugee is under the age of 18, and you aren’t. Or they don’t want it. Harassment is harassment, and you can’t spell harassment without letters.

Dislodging Gracefully

Have you seen a space capsule re-enter the atmosphere? Dislodging is more complicated and much less graceful than that. Let your hugee dislodge first, observe them. Watch as they remove their arms, step backward, find their balance.

Put your arms at your side and do the same. Then schedule a time for more drugs next week. A weekly dose of drugs never hurt anyone! In fact, you can take drugs more than once a week, once a day, once an hour, take all the drugs you want, whenever you want!

Giving a hug, once all factors are accounted for, is a very simple process. All you need to know is which arm is which, and follow 10 steps after conducting an analysis and study of your intended hugee. And interpersonal and emotional intelligence.

If you got all that then by golly, you’ll be the best hugger. Keep it up and you could be having one of those special hugs someday!

That’s it for our educational, instructional, tutorial on getting drugs and convincing humans that you’re human. See you in our next, educational, helpful, and mandatory according to the elders of our home planet, tutorial!

How to Make Friends Part 4

Grr, grrr, grrr grr grr (court ordered, mandatory, educational), grrr grrrr grrr grrrr! Grrr, Grrr, Grr? Grrr. Grr……Grrr? Grrr- what are you doing? Are you doing the introduction? The audience can’t understand you, get out of here! Silly bear, welcome to our mandatory court ordered educational special “How to Make Friends”, in our previous installments you learned how to make and keep friends.

In this final installment we’ll go over how to stay friends, just friends. It seems simple and straightforward, but hold on, wait for it, play “Stairway to Heaven”, it’s not. Ooh look, here’s Mary Sue and Steve’s Cousin #2.

Mary Sue: We’ve never dated, have we Steve’s Cousin #2, have we, definitely not?

Steve’s Cousin #2: That’s right Mary Sue, we never have, we are two, opposite sex, friends, who are just friends.

Mary Sue: We’d be same sex friends but you clearly have a penis and I have a vagina.

Steve’s Cousin #2: That’s right, you’re doing that again, clarifying things for easily offended people.

Mary Sue: The internet, agendas!

Steve’s Cousin #2: Ha ha, we are totally just friends.

That’s right Steve’s Cousin #2, you are just friends, totally just friends and have never dated before. But what if other feelings pop up, you’ve known each other for so long.

Mary Sue: We’ve known each other for so long Steve’s Cousin #2.

Steve’s Cousin #2: We have?

You know each other so well, care about each other. The best relationships start out as friendships. But there is an art to declaring your undying love and affection.

Mary Sue: I’M GOING TO MAKE OUT WITH YOUR FACE!!! THEN WE CAN FU-

No Mary Sue, slow down, does Steve’s Cousin #2 want to be in a relationship with you? Is he happy just being friends? You must consider these things first.

Mary Sue: Senpai.

That’s not good either Mary Sue, you can’t sneak into Steve’s Cousin #2’s room and watch him sleep in secret. That’s creepy, unless you’re a sparkly vampire. You need to confront your feelings eventually. And you never know when, oh look he’s opening his mouth.

Steve’s Cousin #2: Hey Mary Sue, have you ever felt feelings for me besides friendship?

Mary Sue: MATING CRY!!!!

Oh no, he’s opening his mouth again.

Steve’s Cousin #2: I know right, but what if we just stayed friends instead?

Mary Sue: Tears!

Relationships are complicated, especially when they start turning romantic. Whether they work out or not, you have to live with the consequences.

Steve’s Cousin #2: Gee Mary Sue, now we have to face the consequences.

Mary Sue: Tears…

Disappointment is hard to handle, especially in love. Give each other some space and time. You have to step away from some situations, cool off. You need to get your mind off it. Running back to them screaming, demanding that they love you forever isn’t healthy.

Mary Sue: Unhealthy behavior!

Ursula: Grrr.

Mary Sue: Ow!

Not all of your friends will be black bears in tutus and vagina hats with steel chairs, but they have sound advice. They set you back on track, tell you when you’re acting kind of kooky.

Pissy Jenny: This scares Steve Cousin’s #2 and most other humans Pissy Jenny.

Mary Sue: It-

Pissy Jenny: You are f—–g crazy!!!

Mary Sue: Oh bother I am.

A good friend will tell you the truth, they won’t lie to you, tell you you’re awesome and right all the time. Stassi…Stassi, where did oh crap she escaped, catch her, Ursula go, where did you get a tranquilizer gun? And you, I will be seeing permits for those later.

Some things are not meant to be, or if they are, when you want them to be. If you want to live in a nice house, but have no money at the moment? How are you supposed to live in a nice house? Mortgage Fraud, no, that’s silly Learn to be patient, go along with the plan.

Pissy Jenny: As long as it’s not, what, what was I, oh look a capybyra.

I didn’t order a capybyra to exist or else Pissy Jenny, ha ha, YOU BIG SILLY!!! Here’s Mary Sue contemplating life.

Mary Sue: Wheat.

Steve’s Cousin #1: There you are wifey, I was-

Mary Sue: Holy crap it’s a demon!

Who let him out, he wasn’t, I wasn’t even, oh Stassi is going to get it, it, you captured her? Where did you get a night stick? Just, we’ll talk later.

Ursula: Grrr.

I’m not mad, it’s just, how do you? Oh crap they’re talking, ooh look, it’s possible to, watch this.

Steve’s Cousin #2: We have had time, space, and distance to think and cool down.

Mary Sue: Yes we have and bears in vagina hats and tutus have steel chairs.

Steve’s Cousin #2: I’m happy being just friends with you.

Mary Sue: Me too, here’s my long lost husband-

Steve’s Cousin #2: Your what!!!

You can say you want to be just friends with someone, but do you, really? Is it possible?

Steve’s Cousin #1: What’d I miss?

Mary Sue: There was a meteor.

Steve’s Cousin #2: Okay, we had a baby.

Ursula: Grrr…

Steve’s Cousin #2: Well that’s troublesome.

Sadly, friendships have ended over romantic feelings. Which is why you should really consider dating your friends in the first place.

Mary Sue: We didn’t really consider the ramifications of dating each other, did we?

Steve’s Cousin #1: I’m her husband.

Mary Sue: We can’t be friends.

Steve’s Cousin #2: Okay.

Steve’s Cousin #1: I’ll pretend to get along with you though.

Steve’s Cousin #2: We can have a clandestine affair someday.

Mary Sue: Okay.

Steve’s Cousin #1: What?

But it doesn’t have to end that way, more time, distance, and perspective, extra the future.

Mary Sue: We’re cool with each other now.

Steve’s Cousin #2: Thank God we decided to just stay friends, but still gave each other enough time, distance and perspective, extra the future, let it sink in.

Mary Sue: I know right, things are fine between us.

Steve’s Cousin #2: Exactly.

Well that concludes our educational, mandatory, educational series, “How to Make Friends”. We hope you learned how to make and keep friends. And set boundaries, prioritize your relationships. These are essential, valuable life skills that-yes, she can get up, let them go.

I hope I never, they better learn something. If not I have no idea who, yes, just, and don’t eat any of them. They have twitter accounts, seriously, they, okay, good, we are, bears.

I didn’t, thank you for watching or else, goodbye and good friendships!

How to Make Friends, Part 1

Hello, human, and welcome to this mandatory educational course on Friendship. If you are an employee of Bravo, thank you finally showing the F’ up, real housewife. Friendship, it’s a hot topic. Humans are social creatures, people are human, people need friends, people makes friends and are human, is people are humans do they always keep friends, what is the bus driver’s name? No, no they do not.

How do humans lose friends you are asking yourself or else. Excellent question! Look, here’s Mary Sue and Pissy Jenny, they are friends.

Mary Sue: I think you’re a c***.

Pissy Jenny: The bell isn’t working, I mean, oh no, we’re not friends anymore.

That is just one tiny example of how to lose friends, but you won’t be doing that anymore! In this enlightening, or else Oedipus Rex, course, you will learn how to make and keep friends forever and ever, and be the bestest friend you can possibly be.

The first lesson in friendship is first impressions, giving a favorable impression, good first introduction is essential to form a healthy, long lasting friendship. Lets watch Mary Sue and Pissy Jenny start their new friendship.

Mary Sue: Hello, my name is Mary Sue, I’m not a c*** and think that you’re not one either, what is your name Pissy Jenny?

Pissy Jenny: What did you do to her you-

Bear: Grrr…

Pissy Jenny: It is Pissy Jenny Mary Sue, it is truly a pleasure to meet you.

Bear: Grrr…

That’s right chauvinistic bear that is easily triggered, sleeps on my couch, and swears that you are still looking for a job, attitude is everything when starting a friendship.

Bear: Grr….

What’s that, whose baby did you eat?

Bear: Grrrr?

No, you’re right we weren’t using them anymore, you should have just asked me first.

Bear: Grrr…

I know, I forgive you, you’re a good friend bear. It was the one that Pissy Jenny didn’t catch, right?

Bear: Grrr…

Good bear, always take care of the ugly baby first. See our last mandatory educational course, so, friendship. Remind me to edit that entire conversation out later myself. It’s a phantasmagoric thing. But like all phantasmagoric things it’s not all sunshine and roses. It doesn’t just happen overnight either.

A good friendship takes a while to build, you need to trust someone, feel comfortable enough opening up to them. Which is why going out drinking is highly recommended. But sometimes you can annoy each other, have stupid arguments. Which is why going out drinking isn’t highly recommended. But you need to forgive and forget. Which is why going out drinking is highly recommended.

Ooh look, Mary Sue and Pissy Jenny, who have to be friends with each other because they have vaginas, are at a local watering hole.

Pissy Jenny: Wheat.

Mary Sue: I know girlfriend, like tots LOL. Are you afraid that you are going to die alone, our personal lives and insecurities.

Pissy Jenny: You’re married to Steve’s Cousin.

Mary Sue: Who’s that?

Pissy Jenny: Do you want to switch seats?

Mary Sue: You’re right, I am pretty! You’re so supportive!

Good job Pissy Jenny, friends are supportive and say nice things about each other. They also don’t hide things from each other, gossip behind each other’s backs. At this moment all of you Real Housewives watching this due to a fabulous, instagramable court order must be very confused.

Being nice to each other? What is this magic from space? How is this possible? My head is going to explode, I need botox. But it’s not all that complicated. In fact here’s a scientist to explain everything.

Scientist: You won’t like everyone personally. But it’s very important to respect others, treat them the way you’d want to be treated.

And now in your native tongue.

Scientist: Bitch your shit is so cold it’s clogging a toilet at the North Pole calm down you basic lush. I’m sleeping with your husband you whore.

And now ebonics, oh, don’t, it’s racist, Spanish? Is Spanish racist? Yes I know Lena Dunham, but, oh never mind. No, you can’t eat the scientist. Here is an Applebee’s application, go fill it, we will talk later, bears. You can’t live with them, Pissy Jenny still wouldn’t be alive without them. Here are some more scientifically proven tips on how to be nice.

Scientist: Studies show that not being racist positively correlates to forming friendships with a variety of people. Also being considerate and understanding, also if you’re currently experiencing an outbreak of herpes use protection. Don’t forget to tell your, oh, that was for athathum, moving along, being sexist is also-

WOW WHAT HELPFUL INFORMATION! Thank you Mr. Scientist. As a scientist, variables. Scientists know what those are. Pissy Jenny and Mary Sue are getting along great now, but what will happen when someone else enters the picture? Lets watch.

Bear: Grrr…

Mary Sue: This is my new friend Ursula, Pissy Jenny, Ursula, Ursa-

Pissy Jenny: That’s the bear in a pink vagina hat and a tutu.

Bear: Grrr…

Pissy Jenny: I mean, have you lost weight?

Mary Sue: She has, she’s on an all baby diet.

Bear: Grrr…

Mary Sue: Which is why Applebee’s wouldn’t hire her, the racists.

Bear: Grrr…

Mary Sue: I know, I’m not a black bear myself but I empathize with your people’s struggle.

Pissy Jenny: I totally agree under no duress whatsoever.

Bear: Grrr!

Mary Sue: Feminism!

You might not get the best impression from everyone you meet, but you can find common ground with most everyone. Everyone likes babies, and hasn’t been hired by Applebee’s, this is just one of many examples you will find in the course of your everyday life.

No matter how different we are, we can all still get along, and try not to eat each other. Now that you’ve seen a wonderful example of how to treat your friends and others, lets see how not to treat your friends, and others.

Pissy Jenny: “Ursula” is chugging an entire bottle of Rumplemintz.

Mary Sue: What a strong woman!

Bear: Grrrr! (Smashes bottle over Pissy Jenny’s Head)

Pissy Jenny: Help, help! Get it off me!

Mary Sue: Ursula peeled open a car to get into the food inside once, it was crazy.

Pissy Jenny: I don’t want to be Steve, I don’t want to be Steve!

That’s right Pissy Jenny, always have the confidence to be yourself. Don’t let others bully you, undermine your agency. People who do this are not your friends. Some of us are guiltier of this than others. Didn’t your mother tell you that if you peeled open a car you were going a bit too far?

Bear: Grrr.

Mary Sue: Ursula wants water.

Pissy Jenny: Ow.

This concludes the first installment of our mandatory, court ordered educational course, How to Make Friends. Tune in next week when you’ll learn how to keep the friendship spark alive!

Taking Care of Business

The following events would probably take place if I actually had a friend…that for some stupid reason went to Afghanistan.

(phone rings, INTJ ignores it, doesn’t recognize the number)

(same number calls again, Afghanistan area code)

INTJ: Stupid telemarketers.

(same number calls again)

INTJ: I have no idea who this is but whoever you are I do not want your product or-

Terrorists: Hello Infidel, we have kidnapped your friend.

INTJ: I have friends?

“Friend”: I know your phone number.

INTJ: Excellent point, that is some Fort Knox shit there.

Terrorists: For one million dollars, you filthy American Infidel, we will return-

INTJ: You want that much? Seriously, look at what you kidnapped.

Terrorists: I think this is the wrong number.

INTJ: With the prices that you’re charging it’s no wonder that you’re not moving inventory.

“Friend”: You are aware of the fact that you are on speaker phone.

INTJ: Also, there are better ways to achieve your organizational goals. What is your organization’s goal or mission statement?

Terrorists: Uhh….

INTJ: Do you have a slogan, logo? You need good branding before you can have a good branding strategy, seriously, who am I talking to here? What makes you stand out?

Terrorists: We didn’t think about that before we became terrorists.

INTJ: I understand, most people don’t think about a lot of things before they become terrorists. But your do have one thing.

Terrorists: A valuable hostage?

INTJ: No, passion. Passion is great to have, but it doesn’t make a solution magically appear, however, it can drive you to find one.

Terrorists: I am writing that down, it is an excellent quote.

“Friend”: I would like to use one of my other lifelines.

Terrorists: No, we like this one.

INTJ: What you have is a really exciting, potentially explosive concept. You could make a big impact-

“Friend”: She knows that those are really dark puns but she’s using them anyway.

INTJ: I am negotiating with the startup, what is the name of your organization?

Terrorists: Al Shasteve.

INTJ: You need to work on the name.

Terrorists: I know.

“Friend”: Stop helping the terrorists!

INTJ: Hey, you didn’t get kidnapped by Al Qaeda or ISIS.

Terrorists: What are you implying extremely helpful infidel?

INTJ: I’m implying that you could be on that level, you could be Al Qaeda, or ISIS, or Hezbollah even, I assume that you want your organization to grow and develop, be a worldwide brand?

Terrorists: Yes, we want to be on CNN, but how?

INTJ: It’s a combination of brand connectivity and awareness, what’s your story, what makes you human, relatable to your audience?

Terrorists: We want to connect with our local audience and kill our international audience.

INTJ: On the surface those are counter intuitive, but they could work together.

“Friend”: How?

INTJ: That is an excellent question, the simple answer is, they both involve engagement, engagement would be much easier with your international audience because you’re trying to kill them.

Terrorists: They will be very scared of us.

INTJ: But your local audience, how will they connect and condone you killing your international audience?

Terrorists: We’re locally owned and operated, we share the same beliefs, have the same problems, want to solve them. By problems I mean infidels like you, and you!

“Friend”: I’m sorry, your English is excellent!

INTJ: Those are all excellent aspects of your organizations that any killer organization should possess.

“Friend”: Really?

INTJ: What you need are local brand ambassadors and evangelists, local businesses and organizations need to connect on a local level in order to succeed. I assume that you have a recruiting department.

Terrorists: We do, but, all the other terrorists join other terrorists, who aren’t us.

INTJ: That’s a completely different subject, but long story short, you need to invest in recruiting, if you have the top talent and top recruits, you will be on top. Have you considered affiliate marketing? In return, being somehow affiliated, or at least endorsed, acknowledges your organization’s worth as a quality organization. Also knowing that your competition thinks you’re competition is a real confidence boost.

Terrorists: Also…brand awareness?

INTJ: Exactly, brand awareness, free marketing! See, you have to invest in it at first, but the dividends and return. You are catching on Al Shasteve.

“Friend”: Whatever they say, don’t explain incentivization to them.

Terrorists: Why not, why not helpful infidel?

INTJ: Well, with your unique startup I’m not sure that would be a good idea, it could be disastrous for you, your competition could turn that against you. You don’t want to scare away your audience, with however, you’d convince, or forcibly earn someone’s loyalty. Also, you can’t hack growth and have genuine growth.

Terrorists: You are very wise and just saved us the trouble of taking many lives. Would you like to negotiate for your friend’s release now?

INTJ: Oh, that, sorry, we were just having such a great, valuable conversation, does she want to come back?

Terrorists: The helpful infidel wants to know if you want to come back.

“Friend”: She’s not my favorite person now and I am totally reporting her to the FBI now but yes.

INTJ: Well if it’s going to be-

Terrorists: Wait, don’t hang up, you’ve been so helpful to us, we’d feel bad if you got absolutely nothing out of this.

INTJ: You’re right, the terrorists are right, tell the nice terrorists thank you.

“Friend”: Thank you nice terrorists.

Terrorists: You are welcome, so, $1,000,000

INTJ: That’s a bit high for me, I gave you a good $999,999 in advice. Also, you need to build up your brand and associate it with such a high price tag. You should aspire to be a real luxury brand. Think about it, a purse is basically a purse, but with a certain name on it, convince your consumer that you are that good, with what you have there and being a startup and all.

“Friend”: Tell my mother I love her.

INTJ: what I’m saying is this could be a great opportunity for you, have you kidnapped anyone else for ransom money before?

Terrorists: Yes, but they died.

INTJ: Ahhh, well I have some idea what could have happened.

Terrorists: You do, we’re terrorists. Very bad terrorists.

INTJ: But do you want that mess again? This is a prime chance to develop your negotiating skills. A paid ransom for a living person is very important for your business model. It also cleans up your reputation, and saves you quiet the cleanup, she is just going to splatter everywhere. That’s not halal.

Terrorists: Caves are hard to clean.

INTJ: And she can tell the west how truly terrifying and threatening you are, right?

“Friend”: Yes, brand evangelism.

INTJ: To an international audience that you could probably not afford to reach with paid advertisement currently. She could be so very useful for once.

“Friend”: That’s right, I’ll be so…what do you mean for once?

INTJ: I think she’s only worth $10,000.

Terrorists: We need more than that.

INTJ: You see that’s the thing, when you start a business, you think money is everything, but there are valuable free, literal and metaphorical resources that matter too. Also, where would that money go? You might think that things like administrative costs and travel expenses are at the forefront now, but no, in fact, make a list, decide the minimal amount you’d need. You’re going to have to be creative, but what small business isn’t at this stage? Also, a small amount of money could get to you faster than a large amount, and cover immediate pressing expenses.

Terrorists: We could kidnap other people.

INTJ: More valuable people.

Terrorists: And be like a luxury brand?

INTJ: Yes, and then you’d have her, on CNN, you know, what you have coming together here is a real strategy for growth.

Terrorists: When you put it that way.

“Friend”: This is your nice way of saying I’m not worth that much to you but I agree with you and it’s working.

INTJ: Whatever lets everybody win, huh?

Terrorists: We do need to get rid of her, she is getting kind of annoying.

INTJ: I know right, good job incentivizing and promoting a sense of urgency.

“Friend”: Yes, I wasn’t just scared because I was kidnapped by terrorists at all.

INTJ: Personally, I think she has great sales skills, $50,000, and her and I launch a promotional campaign for the hottest new terrorist group, Al Shasteve?

Terrorists: $100,000 and the promotional campaign.

INTJ: You’ve had to put up with her for at least a week.

“Friend”: Three, did you not see that I wasn’t active on Facebook at all?

INTJ: Oh, you’re on Facebook? (pretending not to know) I’ve been, busy.

“Friend”: You manage Facebook pages and make Facebook ads, you have to have a Facebook account!

Terrorists: $90,000 you have an excellent point, you’re the one who’d really be paying.

INTJ: I know right, I saw on one of my friend’s pages that she just posts so much, it’s like, get a life, scoff, $75,000.

Terrorists: $80,000 and you have to become Facebook friends with her.

INTJ: $75,001. She asks for prayers and demands likes.

Terrorists: $75,002, we will drop the entire promotional campaign and you have to give her all the infidel likes and infidel prayers she wants.

INTJ: Only if in the event that she has kids she never mentions them on Facebook or posts pictures of the things. I’m concerned for those poor children’s privacy and safety.

Terrorists: An even $75,000 if you throw in some goats.

INTJ: I have an Applebee’s gift card.

Terrorists: What is Applebees?

INTJ: $50,000, the goats, and Fly Emirates T-shirts for all of you, no conditions attached.

Terrorists: You have to help us make the list.

INTJ: That’s a fair deal, send me your T-Shirt sizes.

Terrorists: Can the goats get Fly Emirates T-Shirts too?

INTJ: Uh, that would be hilarious, send me their sizes and I will throw in the Applebee’s gift card for free. Send me pictures of the goats in the T-shirts, inchallah.

“Friend”: How am I getting home?

INTJ: Oh, sorry, I was distracted by the idea of seeing goats in, where is the nearest airport?

Terrorists: Uhh…

INTJ: Could you drop her off outside a military base and just tell her what you want to say about your organization?

Terrorists: We could drop her off on Pakistan, what idiot would think that we didn’t have connections in Pakistan?

INTJ: I know, but in a semi-safe area, there’s a Harry Potter café, I’d love for her to bring me back some pictures and souvenirs.

“Friend”: Oh F’ you.

Terrorists: Is that how you thank your helpful infidel friend?

“Friend”: I’ll take pictures.

INTJ: Good, then find your way to a US Military base, say what they want you to say. Also, pick up and mail the the T-shirts and goats. The terrorists are the ones making you do that, not me.

“Friend”: I am not thanking you for negotiating my release at all.

INTJ: Splitsies on your ransom, and you get to punch me in the face as hard as you can when you land.

Terrorists: How selfless.

INTJ: I’ll mail the Applebees gift card?

“Friend”: You had me at punch you in the face as hard as I can when I land.

Terrorists: She’s going home!

INTJ: I am such a good friend.

“Friend”: Reporting you to the FBI is not exactly off the table.

How to be a Woman, Part 2

Oh, hello again! Welcome back to our mandatory educational, if you have a vagina, insightful series, “How to be a Woman”. The last we left Mary Sue and Pissy Jenny, both vaginas with women, they were being approached by a hopefully single gentleman, because he is a man, not a woman, who they both want to get married to and have babies with and fight over, because they are woman, lets see how things are going!

Steve’s Cousin: You both have vaginas.

Mary Sue: How smart and observant you are, how attractive.

Steve’s Cousin: I also have a penis.

Mary Sue: Oh happy day.

Pissy Jenny: There was no funeral for Steve because he wasn’t good enough for us and we could have done better.

Mary Sue: A real man wouldn’t have let himself be eaten by wolves.

Pissy Jenny: God is dead.

Steve’s Cousin: If he would have been good enough for you and a real man I sure would have gone on that funeral.

Mary Sue: You feel obligated to do things for people you care about and are so empathetic therefore could quickly succumb to pressure, what wonderful qualities.

Pissy Jenny: Gee, Steve’s Cousin, what wonderful heartwarming words about your deceased cousin who was eaten alive by wolves. Do you want my pussy or not?

Whoa, whoa, Pissy Jenny, directness and clear, effective communication are not qualities that attract a man. What lack of histrionics and emotions! Men are hunters, they like the thrill of the chase, they are passionate, big strong creatures that need constant reassurance of their manliness so that they don’t accidentally show emotion. But also space.

Mary Sue: You are cute maybe, shriek! I might like your penis!

Good job Mary Sue! Soon you’ll be reeling in your man in no time. This lack of directness and use of passive aggressive mind games, not actually stating your feelings, but showing them in a subtle way, shamefully, all the time, are sure to catch his attention. He will have to chase and earn you, endear himself to you after all the crap you put him through, because you’re a woman! Justification of effort is so romantic!

You can also trick him into getting you pregnant “accidentally”, pressuring him because it’s just the right thing to do, no matter how actually compatible you are, is an excellent back up strategy to get your man. Who says anchor babies are just for illegal immigrants? Says this narrator who has sadly seen this happen with misery inducing consequences…for the man!

Mary Sue: But won’t I go to hell for doing such a horrible thing?

Child support if it doesn’t work out and you get to keep the house, you will be the victim! Babies make you extra conveniently helpless and not accountable for your actions because emotions! Because you’re a woman!

Mary Sue: Oh happy day!

Steve’s Cousin: I’m sorry, I wasn’t listening because I was looking at another woman’s boobs because I am a man. Boobs.

Mary Sue: How could you do this to me Steve’s Cousin? Runs out of coffee shop crying, because so many female emotions!

Steve’s Cousin: Let me chase after you Mary Sue!

Pissy Jenny: You are going to hell.

Ha ha, I know. But I could have gone into so much more painfully truthful and sadly very legal detail. Mary Wollstonecraft!

Pissy Jenny: If I look her up she wouldn’t agree with any of that, would she?

Stop being so smart Pissy Jenny, you’re a woman! Also you’re very intimidating and are going to die alone on the inside surrounded by cats. Did you learn nothing from Amy Dunne? Somebody’s not being cool girl. Lets catch up with Mary Sue and Steve’s Cousin, how are things going between the two love birds?

Pissy Jenny: This is not over, my self-awareness only grows by the-

Steve’s Cousin: Gee, I’m sorry I hurt your feelings Mary Sue, I’m a stupid, but not stupid, smarter than you, but not smarter than you, it’s all very confusing, girl power, man.

Mary Sue: It’s okay, you have a penis.

Steve’s Cousin: And a prostate, isn’t that novel?

Mary Sue: No.

Steve’s Cousin: Gee, I’m sorry I hurt your feelings again, they are very sensitive because you’re a woman. I can’t be not nice to you, that’s mean. Plus you couldn’t handle repercussions and your actions having consequences. I have to protect you because I am a man, with a penis.

Mary Sue: That’s the nicest thing anyone’s ever said to me. I have so many feelings that I just can’t control.

Steve’s Cousin: Yes you’re very passionate and I should keep you happy at all times or else. The Enlightenment.

Mary Sue: Do you have any idea what that is?

Steve’s Cousin: No.

Mary Sue: Neither do I. We are in love!

Steve’s Cousin: Okay, I don’t want to die alone!

Pissy Jenny: I’m going to go to the bathroom by myself and be with Steve now.

No, no Pissy Jenny, the wolves aren’t going to get you. Now it’s a bear with a taser and he’s going to chase you down until I need you again. Because you need to lose weight!

Pissy Jenny: Is the bear also going to take me to the, oh crap, it’s an actual bear with an actual taser!

Run little trope, run, he slows down if you start screaming out your faults and questioning your visage and overall physical appearance.

Pissy Jenny: You chauvinistic woodland bastard! Oh god, he’s-

The bear is also easily triggered, lets see, stop screaming and man up for now Pissy Jenny! Anyway, what is Mary Sue up to? It looks like she’s talking on the phone.

Steve’s Cousin: We are actually talking on the phone!

Mary Sue: I know. Are you watching Pissy Jenny being chased by an extremely chauvinistic bear with a taser? Gee, I wonder what the wolves are up to.

Steve’s Cousin: I am, it must be her punishment for not being a real woman.

Mary Sue: Karma and feminism, do you know that bears have bene known to show great intelligence in pursuit of food and are much less of afraid of humans than wolves. That’s probably where the bear got the taser.

Steve’s Cousin: You know so much about animals Mary Sue.

Mary Sue: A bear even came up and sat by a guy in the wild, it’s on Youtube. They’ve also been trained to do tricks and entertain humans.

Steve’s Cousin: Oh Mary Sue, stop making me fall in love with you even more than I already am!

Mary Sue: Don’t even get me started on Honey Badgers!

Steve’s Cousin: Ha ha, we are laughing! We should get married and have babies.

Mary Sue: Oh, I do, yay, you are committing to me! You are mine now!

Steve’s Cousin: I don’t know Mary Sue, this seems a little-

Mary Sue: Why are you thinking about it? LOVE!!!

Steve’s Cousin: Yes, love.

Mary Sue: Love, relationships and one’s entire future need to be based exclusively on love.

That’s right Mary Sue, love, emotions, the Lifetime network. The only things women really understand. If he doesn’t stay with you forever and ever it’s all his fault because he messed up and didn’t know what commitment meant, or understood your feelings. Your constant bashing of him and whatever secure strong woman whom he chooses next, and the awkwardness, are completely understandable and condonable because part of you will always love him. Because you are a woman! Also all of his female friends or any other female he interacts with are your enemies, you can change him by burdening him with literal and metaphorical responsibilities because he can hand him, because he is a man, and all exclusively yours!

Steve’s Cousin: Yay, it’s my job.

Mary Sue: I win, reverse sexism!

Steve’s Cousin: I am everything to you, this is going to be fun.

Mary Sue: Neither one of us can have friends who aren’t us anymore!

Pissy Jenny: Make me a bridesmaid!

Mary Sue: No you homewrecker!

Pissy Jenny: Oh come on!

Now that you got your man, who is stuck with you forever and ever whether he likes it or not, you are now all grown up and a real, verifiable woman. Would you like to find out how to be a grown up, real, verifiable, with a vagina, woman Mary Sue?

Mary Sue: Mary Wollstonecraft would I!

You will, along with everyone else, in How to be a Woman, Part 3!

How to be a Woman Part 1

Look at your crotch. Do you have a vagina? Egads, that’s novel! If you don’t have one, good for you! But if you do, congratulations, you’re a woman! The world is a big, confusing, complicated place. And you know this better than anyone else, because you are also big, have you lost weight, confusing, and complicated. In fact, some men, and deviant other women, don’t even like you at all, think that you’re gross, unattractive. But they’re missing out, girl power!

You may be asking yourself, why am I so have I lost weight, confusing and complicated? How did I come to be this way? Because you’re a woman, that’s why. And this insightful instructional guide will teach you how to be one! It is conveniently divided into multiple parts so it’s easier to read, because you have less than the attention span of a goldfish now, darn computers and brainy phones! Also, you are a woman. You can’t be that smart, it’s offensive to people, especially other women, girlfriend!

But what if I already know how to be a woman and am perfectly confident with myself. As an individual-wrong, you’re wrong!!!! You have a flaw, go look for it, mope, and write a yahoo news article! Lose weight and acquire make up! This insightful guide will properly re-program you to the preferred societal mold and conduct of your feminine female self, so that you can happily and quite famously get along with your fellow female sisters. Which you must have, otherwise you are not a woman, and are weird. And will die alone.

I don’t want to die alone! Of course you don’t, you’re a very vulnerable, emotional, insecure woman. But I, also a woman, once a month mine gushes out blood too, will help you, and save you from this horrible fate. Because I am a woman. After experiencing being a woman, and observing them for years, women, I have gained valuable insight and knowledge into the female character and personage.

Look who’s coming along now, it’s Pissy Jenny and her friend Mary Sue, oh, and their male friend Steve!

Pissy Jenny: Dear God she brought me back from the dead for this.

Mary Sue: Well, duh, you’re a woman.

Steve: If you can’t tell this is a parody of retro educational videos, aimed at mocking the ironic and contradictory nature of females, and cruel malevolence subconsciously encouraged and motivated by a Judeo Christian male dominated, discreetly chauvinistic society. Thumbs up, sarcasm and mockery hiding a poignant and sad message you idiots in the comment section!

Mary Sue: I have no idea who Mary Wollstonecraft is but feminism!

Pissy Jenny: She probably had to edit so may not subtle jabs at Lena Dunham and jokes about her out of this for word count purposes.

Steve: You bet, but this is just part one!

Mary Sue: If we’re this self-aware through this whole damn thing we’re going to realize that we’re imaginary characters condemned to be tropes personified in a blog.

Steve: We’re going to want to kill ourselves, but then realize that we’re just going to wake back up in this same nightmare over and over again!

Mary Sue: Lets switch hats Steve!

Pissy Jenny: Ha, I see what you, this got dark not so surprisingly quickly.

If you were paying attention ladies, Mary Sue and Steve just presented your very first lesson in being a woman. Just shut up, go along with it, try to enjoy yourself, and fulfill your role. Power is a heavy burden to have, and you’re a woman. You can’t even open a jar, agency? Let men decide things for you, or anyone older and wiser than you who knows more about life. Because you are a histrionic, hyperemotional woman who doesn’t even know how to spell logic or agency. But hey, it’s a very attractive quality to have!

You need help, doing things on your own, INDEPENDENCE? You can’t even go to the bathroom by yourself, if you do, the wolves will get you before you get to the women’s restroom door! You need community support and approval. You must care what other people think. Will you always agree? No, but lie and say you do or else. You are violating the girl code of sisterhood, danger, danger, danger, there will be consequences. You have to be liked and have friends. You can just talk smack and gossip about your fellow female sisters behind their backs later. Like a lady.

How else can I be like a lady? Help me, I am a woman, I am helpless! Helpless, you? No…or is it convenient? Being helpless and utterly useless, on the surface, but incredibly attractive, on the surface, is a quality any feminine female lady should possess. It’s very convenient, sure, you might have to woman up every once in a hot pink moon, show some initiative, get by on your own merits as a person, but it’s hard. Why not take the easy way? Be helpless when it’s convenient. Why should you have to work, or give the wolves a chance to get you, break your pretty, womanly nails, or worse, not need a man in your life, when the man or someone else in your life can do it for you? Because you’re a woman.

This is cruel, manipulative, opportunistic, and a tall order, how do I accomplish this, I am helpless again, and it is so very convenient! Convincing others that you are poor and helpless isn’t that hard if you put in the effort. After a while you’ll be able to get away with murder, or get a reduced sentence, look up the statistics!

Mary Sue: Oh Steve!

Steve: What is it Mary Sue?

Pissy Jenny: I have a gun and a very bad feeling about this.

Mary Sue: I find you to be attractive.

Steve: I do too, and you’re gosh darn pretty Mary Sue.

Mary Sue: No, don’t kiss me, you are attacking me and sexual harassment!

Steve: Heh?

Pissy Jenny: (shoots Steve in ankle) He was attacking you, I was here, we are women.

Mary Sue: Look at me, I’m holding a baby now! And am demure yet gussied up and sufficiently  emotional for law enforcement!

Pissy Jenny: I am too, I am now also holding a baby, emotions, feelings, am a woman!

Police: Why did you shoot this man in the ankle?

Pissy Jenny: I thought that he was trying to hurt my friend, and I am a very emotional woman! Because I’m a woman!

Policeman: You’ll just get probation, Steve will forgive you on the outside after we automatically assume he’s the bad guy, because he’s a man.

Mary Sue: How convenient, where did the baby go?

Pissy Jenny: Society and gender stereotypes are a convenient thing.

Isn’t special treatment great? Isn’t being special great? Being better but not better is a wonderful thing when responsibility and accountability comes around. Who couldn’t control themselves or use logic? You, because you’re a woman, and life is tough for you. And you do so much, but men, they do things too, but you don’t get enough appreciation. Men are lucky to have you, and should do whatever you say and demand so that you stay. Failure is all their fault, blame, blame, blame. But you? You have to be shielded from the harshness of reality and the outside world! Which is why you have to stay inside, where the wolves aren’t. But if you go outside, that darn reality really should come inside. Because you’re a woman.

Steve: The wolves have caught the scent of my blood!

That’s inconvenient, but you’re a man, you can take care of yourself, and protect Mary Sue and Pissy Jenny. Oh look, they’re inside, good luck Steve! Great job being women ladies! If Steve really loved you he’d be inside with you, lovingly supporting, you, listening to you talk about your many feelings, protecting you from the wolves. But that bum out there isn’t worth it, you ladies can do better. Because you’re women!

Pissy Jenny: The wolves are eating Steve.

Mary Sue: That’s weird, wolves typically avoid people and are not known to eat humans.

Pissy Jenny: Maybe they’re evil wolves.

Mary Sue: Are they men?

Pissy Jenny: Probably, does that make them evil?

Mary Sue: Mary Wollstonecraft!

Pissy Jenny: You have no idea who that is but know pertinent information about wolves when it’s convenient.

Hey Pissy Jenny, don’t bash your fellow female sister, just because you’re women. You need to be comrades, compatriots, ride to die, Bonnie and Bonnie, non-sexually because you have to get married and have babies, and love them, you have to be in each other’s weddings! Now you may be wondering how to be friends as women, who are supportive to other women.

Pissy Jenny: Oh sh-

That’s right Jenny, it may seem easy but it isn’t always easy. Lets watch Mary Sue and Pissy Jenny go get coffee and banter.

Mary Sue: We’re getting coffee and bantering now.

Pissy Jenny: We are catching up on life my fellow female female friend who is a girl with a vagina.

Mary Sue: I have ovaries too, lets laugh and bond over that!

Pissy Jenny: OMG my fellow female female friend who is a girl with a vagina what an excellent idea, ha ha, laughter. We have to be friends and do things together!

Mary Sue: We have the best relationship, don’t we bitch?

Pissy Jenny: We do my fellow female female…the f-

Sometimes we women need to police each other, inform our fellow females when we’re going off the female path, and not complying with our places in the world. It is also your responsibility to keep your fellow females on their toes, but also be a source of support and understanding when they start conforming again. Sure girl power and the community of vaginas, and pinterest, is great, a beautiful thing when we all come together, but we can’t do that all the time. It’s hard, and it’s not just the wolves you have to worry about.

Mary Sue: You have broken the sacred girl code!

Pissy Jenny: The what?

Mary Sue: You are trying to steal my man and don’t agree with everything I say, you must comply!

Pissy Jenny: What man?

Pissy Jenny is right Mary Sue, what man? What a vulgar display of histrionic emotions, even though you’re a woman, this behavior is unacceptable, and it will result in you having no friends. Pretend to apologize to her and talk smack behind her back to better female friends instead. Directness and problem solving skills are unattractive on a lady. And you must be attractive.

Mary Sue: I’m sorry Pissy Jenny, girl power and sisterhood are very important.

Pissy Jenny: Are you just going to-

Mary Sue: Yes, because I’m a woman!

Pissy Jenny: I will never forgive you for this.

Mary Sue: Whatever I’m right and this is healthy female behavior.

Pissy Jenny: I wish I was dead again.

Mary Sue: I’m here for you girlfriend.

Pissy Jenny: The f-

Speaking of that colorful word you’re about to say Pissy Jenny, love. What woman doesn’t want to be in love? It’s the only good best thing you’ll ever do. You need a romantic companion. What will people think of you if you don’t have one? Or aren’t actively looking for one? You’re just doing you, that sounds dirty. Your life is not your own, you have to devote it to something bigger than yourself. Because you’re a woman, future generations!

Mary Sue: Lets talk about penises Pissy Jenny.

Pissy Jenny: Oh boy Mary Sue, I don’t want to die alone and need to be emotionally validated by another person too Mary Sue.

Mary Sue: I know, especially if another person has a penis, buys me things, and puts babies inside me. I love babies, people could just throw them at me, and I would catch them, hold them in my female motherly arms that love babies. Because I’m a woman.

Pissy Jenny: Oh look, here’s one now, approaching us.

What hopefully single man is approaching Mary Sue and Pissy Jenny? Will Mary Sue or Pissy jenny get their man? How do you interact and attract the attention of men as a female feminine woman with a vagina? Find out on part two of our mandatory educational series, if you have a vagina, “How to be a Woman”.