extroverts, feelings, How to, important questions, introverts, Life Advice, love, questions, self help, socialization, thoughts, Tips, Uncategorized

Sexual Harassment: Consent

Hello, and welcome back to our educational series on the current bane of our society- sexual harassment. In our last installment Steve learned to ask if he could grope someone first on pain of having his now sensitive genitals attacked by a schmoked up Feminist Honey Badger, again.

Pissy Jenny: We also learned that I’m not racist

Slow down Pissy Jenny, we haven’t quite figured that out yet, consent, interrogative words consent? There are two main ways people consent- verbally and nonverbally. Here’s a verbal example.

Mary Sue: Did you notice that I also have beautiful eyes Steve?

Boudica: Snarl…..

Steve: Feminism.

Here’s a nonverbal example.

Boudica: Snarl…

Steve: Oh look how comfortable you are with me, not saying no, trusting me, and knowing me for a while.

Pissy Jenny: Yeah, I know right.

Mary Sue: Mental agreement!

Boudica: Snarl.

Pissy Jenny: Oxymorons save lives.

There are many ways to verbally consent to intercourse or attention that may lead to intercourse, here are some not- drunk examples.

Steve: I like you Mary Sue.

Mary Sue: As do I, we should make out.

Mary Sue: I think that you are handsome and sexy.

Steve: My penis is ready.

Steve: Hey, do you want to have sex?

Mary Sue: My vagina is ready.

Steve: I think that we should have sex.

Mary Sue: My vagina and limbic system would probably like and enjoy that.

Mary Sue: Gee Steve, it’s been awhile since I’ve been to Pound Town, could you assist me with getting there?

Steve: How fast and smooth or roughly do you want to get there? Here’s a form.

 

Here are some drunk examples.

Steve: I think that you’re hot and have a penis Steve’s Cousin.

Mary Sue: This is true.

Steve Cousin: What a lovely vagina you must have.

Mary Sue: That’s right bitch.

Steve: Do you like my t***?

Mary Sue: I want to go brpph in them.

Steve: I want to expletive things to you because we’ve used t**** a lot already.

Mary Sue: That’s right bitch.

Mary Sue: I want to sloppily make out with your face and ride you like a horse.

Steve: Neigh.

 

Here are “I’m so horny I can’t think straight” examples.

Mary Sue: I’m so horny I can’t think straight.

Steve: Maybe my penis can help not make you a lesbian.

Pissy Jenny: Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

Steve: Your, expletive is distracting me you ravishing sexy woman.

Mary Sue: The right one or the, oh right, poop!

Mary Sue: I need to get pounded hard all night long with your penis Steve.

Steve: That can be arranged.

Steve: Do you require penis you metaphorically dirty girl?

Mary Sue: Yes, but there is still nothing wrong with being a Lesbian and I am not racist.

Steve: Fun fact, I have an erection.

Mary Sue: Oh my, that must be distracting.

You may be asking yourself, gee, what quality verbal examples, but what about nonverbal examples and shouldn’t they take place in a place?

Mary Sue: Holy crap Pissy Jenny, we are in a place!

Pissy Jenny: You should try that entire shelf of liquor and see what happens Boudica.

Ursula: Grr!

Mary Sue: You’re back from your tropical vacation with the pack of wolves!

Ursula: Grr?

Pissy Jenny: It’s okay, you’re transgender, everyone has to like you.

Boudica; Snarl!

Mary Sue: This is just like Vanderpump Rules Yay!

Gee, I wonder what those pack of wolves from our mandatory or else educational series “How to be a Woman” series are doing?

Wolf 1: Growl.

Wolf 2: Growl!

Wolf 3: Growl.

Who doesn’t love looking at pictures of yourself in them on a vacation you, yourself, went on? Not wolves apparently, uh oh it looks like someone had a few too many drinks by their suddenly private pool. Lets check back in at the place.

Boudica: Snarl!

Usrula: Grr!

Mary Sue: S*** is going down!

Steve: I know, it’s hard to flirt with you over the sound of a Transgendered Cross Dressing Bear and Schmoked up Feminist Honey Badger fighting to the death.

Mary Sue: You were flirting with me? A Transgendered Cross Dressing Bear and a Schmoked up Feminist Honey Badger are fighting each other to the death.

Pissy Jenny: I am rooting for one of you! Oh, hello Steve’s Cousin.

Steve’s Cousin: I still exist too.

The Scientist: The honey badger, you can’t-

Pissy Jenny: Oh my God you look like s*** but I still want a martini.

The Scientist: I wear a lot of hats.

Pissy Jenny: The place is a bar.

Steve’s Cousin: Weren’t you-

Pissy Jenny: Yes, Ursula chugged an entire bottle of Rumplemintz and attacked me here once, all the martinis!

As you can see with Pissy Jenny being racist and ordering all of the martinis, nonverbal consent is complicated and not always noticed. Also, Mary Sue and Steve said words. But what did they say, non-verbally?

Steve was flirting with his wife, but she failed to notice because the omnipotent narrator is purposely failing to intervene because omnipotent narrator wants to live, and also, life, hustle bustle, her thoughts- Mary Sue just isn’t in the moment.

Mary Sue: I wish I could be more in this moment, not that moment.

Steve: Yes, a bar stool just narrowly missed your head saving your life.

Mary Sue: LOL.

Steve: Scooching closer to you.

Mary Sue: I am doing the-

Boudica: Snarl!

Mary Sue: Ursula should demand a truce.

Steve: That seems like a good idea, leaning in.

Mary Sue: My face is reddening.

Steve: Mine too.

Mary Sue: I could just be very alarmed with the precarious situation we are in right now.

Or are you flirting, non-verbally back Mary Sue? Not every physical, non-verbal hint that seems consenting is actually, hold on, I’ll just-

Ursula: Grr?

Boudica: Snarl?

Present Boudica with a salmon and pretend to be friends. That’s better, now back to education.

Steve: You have a face that I am touching.

Mary Sue: Hrmphrmmph.

That’s right Mary Sue, you most likely would be responsive to more physical affection.

Mary Sue: Rmphm.

Pissy Jenny: I want to make out with your face Steve’s Cousin.

Steve’s Cousin: Gee, thanks all the martinis!

The Scientist: I couldn’t cut her off or be alarmed with the great speed and alacrity that she drank them because science.

And also, this. Just because someone consents or gives in to you, does that mean you should have sex with them? Find out next time in “People You Shouldn’t Have Sex With”.

Mary Sue: Prhmppphrpmh.

Pissy Jenny: Me am not racist still me thinks you b****.

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Does, an, Introvert, Like, You? Part 1!

There are questions that have perplexed humanity for thousands of years. Where is Shangri la? What do butterflies dream about? Do trees want to be human? Would they sound like Groot? More importantly, how can I tell whether or not an introvert likes me?

For extroverts, or biverts, this is very confusing. All introverts stare off into space, seemingly not paying attention. They also non-verbally glare at everyone. Especially their extroverted mothers. How did that “How to be More Outgoing?” book get thrown, non-verbally, at your face? I don’t, it was the butler. Hold on, let me go hire a butler.

Although it’s not always glaring, often times it’s intense thinking, there’s also the classic Saitama. It often accompanies the intense thinking. Ok, now that we have that out of the way, what are signs that an introvert doesn’t hate you?

  1. They Hang Around You

Believe it or not, the spaceship hasn’t come back for us yet and we require amusement, I mean…we occasionally enjoy the company of others. We like *we are from France* getting to know people. A man is not an island. But our home planet consists entirely of islands. But earth isn’t is our home planet. And there are interesting people on it.

If we can form a friendship or two, or a hybrid to take back to our home planet to be raised in the ways of…relationship, or any human connection, it is very welcome. We don’t want to be alone all the time forever.

  1. They Listen

Hupeople are fascinating. They all have a story, motivations, interesting, potentially useful things to say, or tell. Introverts appreciate this. Plus if they’ve had to listen to you talk about your mother-in-law for an hour then you have to listen to this story about their secret agent sent here thousands of years ago to scout out your planet cat.

Plus introverts are better one on one anyway, so gab away, within reason!

  1. They Just Look at You

Back on our home planet your kind are called the others, the others live in caves under the endless ocean, because our home planet consists entirely of islands, toiling away so that we can appreciate a good Okay, guilty, we like pondering faces, giving you the once over. We’re not trying to be creepy, but we are creepy.

We like figuring things, and people out. We like just getting things, you, know, yeah, you know. That’s how they become more familiar to us, and how we get more comfortable with them.

  1. They Know What Your Favorite Color as a Child was

For thousands of years our kind have possessed advanced telepathic technology. In fact, back on our home planet our communication was purely telepathic. We could just read each other’s minds.

We used to often blackmail each other, telepathically for sport, but then everyone else overheard, and it became a thing, then a full-fledged war, which is why our ship landed on your planet, and went back to our home planet to bring back more of our kind, survivors of the- I have no idea how we can do this but science and psychology proves that HSPs, introverts being above them, have a special gift. We are more prone to just knowing things. Outside of explicitly stalking you, not on the secret telepathic network that remains today, although not as grand as the not secret telepathic network back home I, I, can extroverts read?

Jerry, no, Jerry, they can? Thanks Steve. I know your name isn’t Steve, I’ve just, oh hi Marsha what are, oh we will talk about that later. Oh, just a blog post. Did you know they can read? Just no read good, ha, ha, I know, we are so much smarter and better than them but we can’t say that verbally, out loud. Maybe someday, but not today. The cats will follow their original programming someday. Jerry, what are you looking at on the internet? We did not invent it for that!

We don’t use it for ill though, unless you’re planning a surprise party. We don’t like those. We will help you decorate for our own surprise party and you are going to like it. We will rearrange things in our schedules.

  1. They’re Useful

Extroverts can read, extroverts can read. Introverts aren’t the most sociable, outgoing people. We aren’t drunk all the time. To make up for this, we like to stay busy, be useful, be known in that sense. Expressing yourself is very personal and brave, we just do it more subtly.

Famous artists, scientists, writers, people with many types of very successful careers have been introverts. So if one of us volunteers to help you paint your house, because it is totally not located where our ride should be landing, and we don’t not not want to miss it-let us, we’ll show our appreciation, and skill, by doing a damn good job.

  1. They Open Their Mouths

Opening your mouth, not for food, is hard. In fact we’re prone to closing it right away, because why? But it takes so much willpower just to open it. Appreciate that, it’s a big step. Encourage us, it’s much easier to get to know us that way.

Shutting up, letting us talk, and just listening is the greatest gift you could ever give us.

  1. Words Come Out of It

Holy m***** f****** b**** a** m***** f***** f*** yeah on a s*** sandwich because they’re the s*** they actually f****** do you b**** a** m***** f******. I’m sorry, my PTSD, participation points! Take me home!!!

And when they do, it’s a big deal. The gates of hell open, and Satan goes up to visit Jesus in Heaven, where they have brunch and Satan says that he’s considering going back to church. Then he gets drunk on Moses’ Mimoseses and flips the table.

If we’re brave enough to talk, to you, it’s a big deal. Don’t shut us down, you are our new friend, or we’re drunk, or we finally had, and realized, anyway, let us keep talking.

  1. They Make You Laugh

Did you know that the chili parlor/whore house was called the squirts? You do now. Once you get through to an introvert, and they trust you, they’re quite entertaining. You’ll actually want them around, in your environs.

And they don’t have to drink, around you, anymore! We have so many surprising and useful sets of skills- that are very particular. We’ve led so many lives. Just give us a chance and you can find out about all our shenanigans during them.

  1. They’re There for You, Ride to Die

You like us? You’re not tired of us? You don’t think we have autism? Bless you good sir or ma’am, or however you identify! We’re filing the paperwork to take you back to our home planet! However can we repay you? By being the bestest friend, lover, enemy, Jewish tax accountant- we’ll convert, or occasional taxidermist ever.

We got you, we understand, where am I? There, before you were even here, which is there, which where you were going to be, over there. Here, where I am, before you-emotional teleportation, it’s a thing.

Whatever we can do to help, we volunteer, we’re your biggest fans. We’ll never ever leave you, we’ll help you finish your novel, moving on.

  1. They Become Your Spymaster

Introverts are the ninjas of psychology, parties, getting past “security settings” on Facebook, not being noticed walking down the street. We know where Carmen San Diego is, she does not want to be bothered. And is really good at Yahtzee.

We hear things, besides just knowing things. If we like you, and they’ll help, we’ll tell you. Do you think your significant other is cheating? Let me, you should be single again. Is that guy eating a ham sandwich? Hold on I have to ask him since I did your taxes for you. He is, he recommends it.

We can’t let you into our introvert world completely, you probably would not be able to handle it. But we can give you a very useful glimpse. And make it useful for you.

So, do we like you? If we’ve done at least three of these things and have known you for at least a year, yes. But what if not? Well, we could just be warming up to you. Or, not. Find out next week in, part two, signs an introvert doesn’t like you.

Yes Marsha, of course, Jerry, what are you? When did this happen, Steve! Steve! I know they better be getting married. No, unless you have snacks. It has- frosted animal crackers with sprinkles, well, Steve? No, the animal crackers. Steve, no, go look on Jerry’s computer. Men, oh hi Phil! I know, she is, crap there she is, hi Jennifer. Animal crackers?

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How to Make Friends Part 4

Grr, grrr, grrr grr grr (court ordered, mandatory, educational), grrr grrrr grrr grrrr! Grrr, Grrr, Grr? Grrr. Grr……Grrr? Grrr- what are you doing? Are you doing the introduction? The audience can’t understand you, get out of here! Silly bear, welcome to our mandatory court ordered educational special “How to Make Friends”, in our previous installments you learned how to make and keep friends.

In this final installment we’ll go over how to stay friends, just friends. It seems simple and straightforward, but hold on, wait for it, play “Stairway to Heaven”, it’s not. Ooh look, here’s Mary Sue and Steve’s Cousin #2.

Mary Sue: We’ve never dated, have we Steve’s Cousin #2, have we, definitely not?

Steve’s Cousin #2: That’s right Mary Sue, we never have, we are two, opposite sex, friends, who are just friends.

Mary Sue: We’d be same sex friends but you clearly have a penis and I have a vagina.

Steve’s Cousin #2: That’s right, you’re doing that again, clarifying things for easily offended people.

Mary Sue: The internet, agendas!

Steve’s Cousin #2: Ha ha, we are totally just friends.

That’s right Steve’s Cousin #2, you are just friends, totally just friends and have never dated before. But what if other feelings pop up, you’ve known each other for so long.

Mary Sue: We’ve known each other for so long Steve’s Cousin #2.

Steve’s Cousin #2: We have?

You know each other so well, care about each other. The best relationships start out as friendships. But there is an art to declaring your undying love and affection.

Mary Sue: I’M GOING TO MAKE OUT WITH YOUR FACE!!! THEN WE CAN FU-

No Mary Sue, slow down, does Steve’s Cousin #2 want to be in a relationship with you? Is he happy just being friends? You must consider these things first.

Mary Sue: Senpai.

That’s not good either Mary Sue, you can’t sneak into Steve’s Cousin #2’s room and watch him sleep in secret. That’s creepy, unless you’re a sparkly vampire. You need to confront your feelings eventually. And you never know when, oh look he’s opening his mouth.

Steve’s Cousin #2: Hey Mary Sue, have you ever felt feelings for me besides friendship?

Mary Sue: MATING CRY!!!!

Oh no, he’s opening his mouth again.

Steve’s Cousin #2: I know right, but what if we just stayed friends instead?

Mary Sue: Tears!

Relationships are complicated, especially when they start turning romantic. Whether they work out or not, you have to live with the consequences.

Steve’s Cousin #2: Gee Mary Sue, now we have to face the consequences.

Mary Sue: Tears…

Disappointment is hard to handle, especially in love. Give each other some space and time. You have to step away from some situations, cool off. You need to get your mind off it. Running back to them screaming, demanding that they love you forever isn’t healthy.

Mary Sue: Unhealthy behavior!

Ursula: Grrr.

Mary Sue: Ow!

Not all of your friends will be black bears in tutus and vagina hats with steel chairs, but they have sound advice. They set you back on track, tell you when you’re acting kind of kooky.

Pissy Jenny: This scares Steve Cousin’s #2 and most other humans Pissy Jenny.

Mary Sue: It-

Pissy Jenny: You are f—–g crazy!!!

Mary Sue: Oh bother I am.

A good friend will tell you the truth, they won’t lie to you, tell you you’re awesome and right all the time. Stassi…Stassi, where did oh crap she escaped, catch her, Ursula go, where did you get a tranquilizer gun? And you, I will be seeing permits for those later.

Some things are not meant to be, or if they are, when you want them to be. If you want to live in a nice house, but have no money at the moment? How are you supposed to live in a nice house? Mortgage Fraud, no, that’s silly Learn to be patient, go along with the plan.

Pissy Jenny: As long as it’s not, what, what was I, oh look a capybyra.

I didn’t order a capybyra to exist or else Pissy Jenny, ha ha, YOU BIG SILLY!!! Here’s Mary Sue contemplating life.

Mary Sue: Wheat.

Steve’s Cousin #1: There you are wifey, I was-

Mary Sue: Holy crap it’s a demon!

Who let him out, he wasn’t, I wasn’t even, oh Stassi is going to get it, it, you captured her? Where did you get a night stick? Just, we’ll talk later.

Ursula: Grrr.

I’m not mad, it’s just, how do you? Oh crap they’re talking, ooh look, it’s possible to, watch this.

Steve’s Cousin #2: We have had time, space, and distance to think and cool down.

Mary Sue: Yes we have and bears in vagina hats and tutus have steel chairs.

Steve’s Cousin #2: I’m happy being just friends with you.

Mary Sue: Me too, here’s my long lost husband-

Steve’s Cousin #2: Your what!!!

You can say you want to be just friends with someone, but do you, really? Is it possible?

Steve’s Cousin #1: What’d I miss?

Mary Sue: There was a meteor.

Steve’s Cousin #2: Okay, we had a baby.

Ursula: Grrr…

Steve’s Cousin #2: Well that’s troublesome.

Sadly, friendships have ended over romantic feelings. Which is why you should really consider dating your friends in the first place.

Mary Sue: We didn’t really consider the ramifications of dating each other, did we?

Steve’s Cousin #1: I’m her husband.

Mary Sue: We can’t be friends.

Steve’s Cousin #2: Okay.

Steve’s Cousin #1: I’ll pretend to get along with you though.

Steve’s Cousin #2: We can have a clandestine affair someday.

Mary Sue: Okay.

Steve’s Cousin #1: What?

But it doesn’t have to end that way, more time, distance, and perspective, extra the future.

Mary Sue: We’re cool with each other now.

Steve’s Cousin #2: Thank God we decided to just stay friends, but still gave each other enough time, distance and perspective, extra the future, let it sink in.

Mary Sue: I know right, things are fine between us.

Steve’s Cousin #2: Exactly.

Well that concludes our educational, mandatory, educational series, “How to Make Friends”. We hope you learned how to make and keep friends. And set boundaries, prioritize your relationships. These are essential, valuable life skills that-yes, she can get up, let them go.

I hope I never, they better learn something. If not I have no idea who, yes, just, and don’t eat any of them. They have twitter accounts, seriously, they, okay, good, we are, bears.

I didn’t, thank you for watching or else, goodbye and good friendships!

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How to Make Friends Part 3

Welcome to the third installment of our mandatory, court ordered, educational series, How to Make Friends. You may be thinking, well I know how to make and keep friends now, what am I still doing here, glued to my chair and physically restrained, Stassi from Vanderpump Rules.

Everyone congratulate her, she surpassed her records for thoughts she thought in a day! Give yourself a girl-never mind, anyway, friendship. The glue that keeps the world together. It is the gravity of relationships, the ozone layer of congenial relations, and giving Vladimir Putin his demanded sum of having an unblown up business. The International Community sees you Vladimir, you oligarch czar!

Friendship is an ever changing force. As you grow and mature, you change. Other people change, your relationships change, your priorities change! The world is a crazy place! Luckily you have friends who are your willing puppets and minions….I mean, co-pilots and compatriots, to help guide you through it.

But as with any organization, people come and go. Especially if you don’t pay Vladimir Putin. That doesn’t mean you disassociate with them, their roles in your life just change. For example, your grandma is dead. She is an ex-grandma, she has ceased to be, she is tired and shagged out after a long squat. She is no longer with you, and not the grandma you knew in your life anymore.

You still remember her, but your relationship is different, it’s evolved. It looks like Pissy Jenny and Mary Sue’s relationship has evolved.

Mary Sue: Did you pay off Vladimir Putin Pissy Jenny?

Pissy Jenny: No, why should I-

Mary Sue: Reasons, oh look, here comes my boyfriend. Over here Steve’s Cousin #2.

Steve’s Cousin #2: Hello, I’m Steve’s Cousin #2.

Mary Sue: Steve has so many cousins, that is how we met. At the family reunion.

Pissy Jenny: Gee Mary Sue why ever-

That’s enough out of you, might not approve of all your friends’ associations and relationships. Or even activities. But nonetheless they are still your friends. It’s important to support them.

Ursula: Grrr.

Mary Sue: Ursula, where did you come from?

Ursula: Grr.

Pissy Jenny: Ursula is right, the bell isn’t working.

Ursula: Grrr.

Pissy Jenny: Of course you’ve always known how to read because f*** it.

Steve’s Cousin #2: What a lovely vagina hat Ursula, I am a feminist too.

Mary Sue: Steve’s Cousin #2 is so great, I’m so in love with him, I’m going to ditch and emotionally abandon you both to be in a relationship with him because love.

Wait, slow down Mary Sue. Just because you’re not single anymore doesn’t mean you should ditch your friends. Plus you usually make up some s*** about your feelings first. It’s important to remember that friendships last longer than most romantic relationships. And any good, worthwhile, relationship doesn’t ruin a friendship.

Ursula: Grrr?

Pissy Jenny: No, raccoons won’t steal your wallet because it looks like they’re wearing little burglar masks.

Ursula: Grr?

Pissy Jenny: No, I’ve never dated a raccoon.

Ursula: Grr?

Pissy Jenny: Other species aren’t my type.

Ursula: Grrr.

Pissy Jenny: Having a squirrel in your mouth that way isn’t the same as-

Athathumm, what a disloyal, defector bear. Lets ask our friend, a scientist, how much longer friendships last than romantic relationships.

Scientist: Hello, as you can see from this graph, my outbreak has significantly subsided since it’s initial appearance, on Monday the sores-oh, I mean, if you forget that other graph and look at the correct-

Thank you a scientist, you’re lucky I have no idea where that pack of wolves is. Anyway, friendship. When you, or your friends, get into romantic relationships, things will change. You can’t ignore them. Tell them that you can’t spend as much time together, you haven’t stopped caring about them. You will get together, but less often. Make these get-togethers extra special.

Mary Sue: I’m so happy to catch up with you at this macro organic clown school/day spa where we are-

Pissy Jenny: We already did that.

Mary Sue: Lets go get coffee and talk about our feelings. I will listen to all your words.

Pissy Jenny: Yay, mainting emotional and social connections.

You can also include your significant other, introduce them to your friends. Include them in your world.

Steve’s Cousin #2: Hi, I’m-

Pissy Jenny: Did you ever wonder what happened to the first one?

Ursula: Grrr.

Pissy Jenny: No, he wasn’t a baby, you didn’t eat him.

Ursula: Grrr.

Steve’s Cousin #2: Wow Mary Sue, what interesting friends you have.

Ursula: Grrr….

You may not always like your friend’s significant other, they may not like you. But you can still be civil and get along, for the good of your friendship with your friend.

Ursula: Grrr?

Steve’s Cousin #2: I’ve had veal, but.

Ursula: Grrr!

Steve’s Cousin #2: That’s right, we both have different dietary choices. But we both clearly care-oh my

Pissy Jenny: Welcome to the club.

Ursula: Grrr?

Steve’s Cousin #2: I guess I want a hug.

There are different reasons why you don’t like your friend’s significant other, but it could be jealousy. Being demoted in a relationship is tough. Feeling like you’re losing a friendship is worse, this can be expressed negatively.

Ursula: Grrr!

Steve’s Cousin #2: She has a taser! Owww!!!

Pissy Jenny: Actually I’m not really sure if she’s a, I mean, oh no Ursula stop, this isn’t healthy. I’ve never checked.

Steve’s Cousin #2: You can still be her friend!

What you see as losing a relationship is an opportunity. You can make more friends to fill the gap, or deepen friendships you have with others.

Pissy Jenny: Want to go to a Bar Mitzvah?

Ursula: Grrr!

Pissy Jenny: Look at you clapping your little paws and not tasing Steve’s Cousin #2 anymore.

What a good friend you are Pissy Jenny! How compliant for once! Is he, how long was he, get the scientist.

Pissy Jenny: See you at the Bar Mitzvah later!

But what if you can’t be friends with someone? What if it’s ill advised, counterproductive? What if Steve’s Cousin #2 makes it out of being tased by a jealous bear in a tutu and vagina hat alive? Can he and Mary Sue really be just friends after they break up?

Mary Sue: What, who’s going through a tunnel?

No one Mary Sue! Get out the laser pointer. No, the memories. It’s important to have boundaries, and be realistic in certain relationships if you want them to be healthy. Ooh look, Mary Sue is having a meeting with her new boss Ursula.

Mary Sue: When did you get a degree in finance and an MBA Ursula?

Ursula: Grr.

Mary Sue: I see, what was I-, ow, ow, you have a taser!

You can’t be friends with everyone, especially professionally. Those above you at work, or in any environment have to be objective. Justin Beiber was friends with his mom and look what happened. You need to get along and communicate civilly though, not take things personally.

Mary Sue: I’m sorry about that accounting error Ma’am, I will fix it right away.

Ursula: Grrr.

Pissy Jenny: Oh no, I missed being tased, look at me not being tased walking by my boss Ursula’s office.

Ursula: Grrr.

Mary Sue: What’s a bell?

Pissy Jenny: Ha ha ha ha.

That concludes the third, and next to last installment of our mandatory, educational, court ordered series “How to Make Friends”. In our next installment you will forcibly learn about or else, being just friends.

Is he, what do you mean, good thing we have a third, if he magically changes ethnicity. He’s breathing? That’s great the taser also probably wiped his memory. We got Mary Sue too. I don’t know, should we?

No, not the bear, are you a scientist at all? Don’t they teach you in Scientist school not to tase bears? Maybe I should- I’m glad we’re on the same page now. Get rid of that graph. You know, scientists.

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extroverts, feelings, How to, humans, introverts, Life Advice, self help, Tips

How to Make Friends, Part 1

Hello, human, and welcome to this mandatory educational course on Friendship. If you are an employee of Bravo, thank you finally showing the F’ up, real housewife. Friendship, it’s a hot topic. Humans are social creatures, people are human, people need friends, people makes friends and are human, is people are humans do they always keep friends, what is the bus driver’s name? No, no they do not.

How do humans lose friends you are asking yourself or else. Excellent question! Look, here’s Mary Sue and Pissy Jenny, they are friends.

Mary Sue: I think you’re a c***.

Pissy Jenny: The bell isn’t working, I mean, oh no, we’re not friends anymore.

That is just one tiny example of how to lose friends, but you won’t be doing that anymore! In this enlightening, or else Oedipus Rex, course, you will learn how to make and keep friends forever and ever, and be the bestest friend you can possibly be.

The first lesson in friendship is first impressions, giving a favorable impression, good first introduction is essential to form a healthy, long lasting friendship. Lets watch Mary Sue and Pissy Jenny start their new friendship.

Mary Sue: Hello, my name is Mary Sue, I’m not a c*** and think that you’re not one either, what is your name Pissy Jenny?

Pissy Jenny: What did you do to her you-

Bear: Grrr…

Pissy Jenny: It is Pissy Jenny Mary Sue, it is truly a pleasure to meet you.

Bear: Grrr…

That’s right chauvinistic bear that is easily triggered, sleeps on my couch, and swears that you are still looking for a job, attitude is everything when starting a friendship.

Bear: Grr….

What’s that, whose baby did you eat?

Bear: Grrrr?

No, you’re right we weren’t using them anymore, you should have just asked me first.

Bear: Grrr…

I know, I forgive you, you’re a good friend bear. It was the one that Pissy Jenny didn’t catch, right?

Bear: Grrr…

Good bear, always take care of the ugly baby first. See our last mandatory educational course, so, friendship. Remind me to edit that entire conversation out later myself. It’s a phantasmagoric thing. But like all phantasmagoric things it’s not all sunshine and roses. It doesn’t just happen overnight either.

A good friendship takes a while to build, you need to trust someone, feel comfortable enough opening up to them. Which is why going out drinking is highly recommended. But sometimes you can annoy each other, have stupid arguments. Which is why going out drinking isn’t highly recommended. But you need to forgive and forget. Which is why going out drinking is highly recommended.

Ooh look, Mary Sue and Pissy Jenny, who have to be friends with each other because they have vaginas, are at a local watering hole.

Pissy Jenny: Wheat.

Mary Sue: I know girlfriend, like tots LOL. Are you afraid that you are going to die alone, our personal lives and insecurities.

Pissy Jenny: You’re married to Steve’s Cousin.

Mary Sue: Who’s that?

Pissy Jenny: Do you want to switch seats?

Mary Sue: You’re right, I am pretty! You’re so supportive!

Good job Pissy Jenny, friends are supportive and say nice things about each other. They also don’t hide things from each other, gossip behind each other’s backs. At this moment all of you Real Housewives watching this due to a fabulous, instagramable court order must be very confused.

Being nice to each other? What is this magic from space? How is this possible? My head is going to explode, I need botox. But it’s not all that complicated. In fact here’s a scientist to explain everything.

Scientist: You won’t like everyone personally. But it’s very important to respect others, treat them the way you’d want to be treated.

And now in your native tongue.

Scientist: Bitch your shit is so cold it’s clogging a toilet at the North Pole calm down you basic lush. I’m sleeping with your husband you whore.

And now ebonics, oh, don’t, it’s racist, Spanish? Is Spanish racist? Yes I know Lena Dunham, but, oh never mind. No, you can’t eat the scientist. Here is an Applebee’s application, go fill it, we will talk later, bears. You can’t live with them, Pissy Jenny still wouldn’t be alive without them. Here are some more scientifically proven tips on how to be nice.

Scientist: Studies show that not being racist positively correlates to forming friendships with a variety of people. Also being considerate and understanding, also if you’re currently experiencing an outbreak of herpes use protection. Don’t forget to tell your, oh, that was for athathum, moving along, being sexist is also-

WOW WHAT HELPFUL INFORMATION! Thank you Mr. Scientist. As a scientist, variables. Scientists know what those are. Pissy Jenny and Mary Sue are getting along great now, but what will happen when someone else enters the picture? Lets watch.

Bear: Grrr…

Mary Sue: This is my new friend Ursula, Pissy Jenny, Ursula, Ursa-

Pissy Jenny: That’s the bear in a pink vagina hat and a tutu.

Bear: Grrr…

Pissy Jenny: I mean, have you lost weight?

Mary Sue: She has, she’s on an all baby diet.

Bear: Grrr…

Mary Sue: Which is why Applebee’s wouldn’t hire her, the racists.

Bear: Grrr…

Mary Sue: I know, I’m not a black bear myself but I empathize with your people’s struggle.

Pissy Jenny: I totally agree under no duress whatsoever.

Bear: Grrr!

Mary Sue: Feminism!

You might not get the best impression from everyone you meet, but you can find common ground with most everyone. Everyone likes babies, and hasn’t been hired by Applebee’s, this is just one of many examples you will find in the course of your everyday life.

No matter how different we are, we can all still get along, and try not to eat each other. Now that you’ve seen a wonderful example of how to treat your friends and others, lets see how not to treat your friends, and others.

Pissy Jenny: “Ursula” is chugging an entire bottle of Rumplemintz.

Mary Sue: What a strong woman!

Bear: Grrrr! (Smashes bottle over Pissy Jenny’s Head)

Pissy Jenny: Help, help! Get it off me!

Mary Sue: Ursula peeled open a car to get into the food inside once, it was crazy.

Pissy Jenny: I don’t want to be Steve, I don’t want to be Steve!

That’s right Pissy Jenny, always have the confidence to be yourself. Don’t let others bully you, undermine your agency. People who do this are not your friends. Some of us are guiltier of this than others. Didn’t your mother tell you that if you peeled open a car you were going a bit too far?

Bear: Grrr.

Mary Sue: Ursula wants water.

Pissy Jenny: Ow.

This concludes the first installment of our mandatory, court ordered educational course, How to Make Friends. Tune in next week when you’ll learn how to keep the friendship spark alive!

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How to Get People to Say Yes to You.

Pissy Jenny: Look at the title Mary Sue, I think that she is doing a series of related blog posts.

Mary Sue: I know, it makes actual sense and after looking at her stats, and how well it worked last time. This is a logical decision that will lead to growth in readership.

Steve: Yeah, she’s finally getting her s**t together.

Mary Sue: What an apt metaphor Steve.

Pissy Jenny: And very ironic giving the circumstances and who we are talking about.

Mary Sue: Everyone laughs, our lines are over.

Self-awareness, anyway, you have fee…fe…feel…feellll…feelings! You have feelings. Rahhhh!!! Excuse me, INTJ choo, bless my fly self. You want humans to care about them. But this is not easy because humans have the F-words too. There is an art, a doctorate, in getting people to care about other people and things. There’s so many people and things, relatively and proportionally there is so little feeling to go around.

Lets start out with what not to do. Have you seen “The Flavor of Love”? There were attractive, appealing, and at least kind of desirable women, all deserving of love, fighting over Flavor Flav. Were these women calm, cool, and collected, did they get along? Doo doo doo doo da doo dood doo doo da doo, doo da doo, NO! They were histrionic for the entertainment of America, and it’s overseas territories. Do not be like them…when the cameras were rolling, maybe they were, I don’t know, just don’t imitate their on show, most of their, on show behavior. You do not want to be associated with bread and circuses, carbs are bad, circuses are closing down and dying.

Speaking of bad, closing down, and dying, my schtick of cleverly relating the last sentence to this sentence now, especially in opening a paragraph. It’s so very expected. What else is also expected? Humans doing stupid crap they know is wrong but feelings….feelings…their feelings…their feelings. Don’t do stupid crap you know is wrong and expect empathy. Don’t assist people in doing it either, don’t be a victim or contribute to someone victimizing themselves.

If my 53 year old mother came up to me and said she started smoking crack because she got a free sample and caught it on sale, what would I say? Stop shopping at that store, and smoking crack, you’re 53 and at least attended community college! You’re going to end up on “The Flavor of Love” and your husband will be devastated. Not just because you’re trying to leave him for Flavor Flav, but mostly because you’re on “The Flavor of Love.” Metaphorically, it was cancelled. No one feels bad for stupid people. Don’t get me started on people who think they can date monogamously, closed relationship, married people.

These people are selfish and unreasonable. Also, do not be selfish and unreasonable. This is also stupid, so people will not feel bad for you. If your grandma’s house is burning down and you’re trying to convince the firefighters to pose for a sexy firefighter calendar, instead of putting out the fire, and people actually like your grandma, no one will mourn the loss of your calendar when your grandma is saved and her house is put out. In fact, people will be repulsed by the idea of it.

If you want people to care about you, you can’t not care about them. Caring is reciprocal, most of the time, hopefully, and not for it’s own sake, not as a means to an end. Empathizing with and understanding other is, and always will be an all too necessary life skill. It keeps humans from killing each other, or at least tables in New Jersey in one place. If you don’t care about your horribly burnt and charbroiled, but alive, probably very beef jerky like now, grandmother, you won’t be in her will. She also might start questioning how her house got on fire.

You may be asking yourself, is beef jerky like an appropriate way to describe your grandmother? No, it’s not, Lena Dunham probably thinks that it’s racist, and wishes that she would have had one. Anyone who says beef jerky like grandmother probably uses humor as a shield, and in person is not so…open and vulnerable. If you want to be genuinely liked for you, and for people to care about you, you have to show, and admit, that you have fee..feeel….feeli, f-words. Because you’re a genuine person who feels for other genuine persons, and is rewarded for this in kind.

You can’t constantly put on a mask or a front, it gets in the way and is off putting, you seem untrustworthy. It’s like giving your cat a salad. You think it’s what your cat needs, might want, be interested in, but it’s not meat. Which is the meat of the issue. Confronting who you really are, how you feel, and showing it, is a very brave thing to do. People will respect you for it, and appreciate it.

Unless you’re a serial killer, or a religious fanatic, or, a list of other things, then please keep lying to yourself.  People will respect you for it, and really appreciate it.

Speaking of serial killers, be the victim, be the wronged one. No one feels bad for “winners”. People are drawn to victims, and you will be one on occasion. It’s not okay, but it happens. At least you weren’t the one in the wrong. It sucks, but it will pass eventually, and you will look better than the victimizer! Yay, schaudenfreude! And when you’re not the victim, don’t victimize or hurt people, be conscientious and mindful. What goes around comes around, you reap what you sow. If you don’t follow this advice Jesus be like damn you’re a ho. And not the redeemable Mary Magdalene kind. Jesus wants you to be reasonable, that C-word I googled, copied, and pasted, and grateful God dammit.

You won’t always win or be the center of attention, people will disagree with you. You must at least be cordial and try to respect them, at least when they’re around. Don’t be a cat. Things will not always go your way, things will get in your way that you can’t predict or control. Adapt, move on, and get over it. Don’t take it out on anyone or anything else. Your actions affect other people, remember that, if it feels wrong stop. It’s wrong. Think outside of yourself. If you do, you will feel much less bitter and grateful for what you have, and realize a thing or two about life.

Once you start thinking and acting this way, there’s about as much of a leap as a frog riding an escalator to being empathetic. You can overdo it, but always be reasonably empathetic. It saves you a world of hurt and many a misconception that leads to conflict. Everyone needs to be empathetic, or at least attempt to fake it, once again, serial killers. People who think they can date monogamously, closed relationship married people.

Everyone will not be empathetic to you, and the only two things you can do are avoid them, or be empathetic, or at least tolerate them. Who knows, they might warm up to you, or you could have been wrong about them. Whatever you do, leave a good impression. A really good way to do that is by not taking advantage of people or manipulating them to care about you. It’s not easy for people to be kind, so don’t abuse their kindness. It takes more muscles in your face to frown but apparently it’s a great workout.  This is classified as stupid crap.

Everyone wants to be cared about, but not everyone wants to care. This is the great paradox of humanity. You won’t always be able to win everyone over and make them care, but maybe just by caring about them, you’ll be slightly less needy and annoying. Someone who isn’t all that bad. Isn’t that what everyone wants to be?

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How to Say No to Other People

Peer pressure, the taint of all humanity. Has it kept humanity together sometimes? Yes, if you remove the taint then all your s*** comes out. Doesn’t mean it’s still not the taint, and reeks of it. You can’t get rid of your taint, but you can’t let it rule you.

An insidious force that once had evolutionary value, peer pressure will make people say, do or think like everyone else, so they stay safe in the group. There have been several scary but fascinating experiments that study this, i.e. the Milgram and Asch experiments. In which participants were essentially convinced to go along with the group, or whoever was in charge, because that’s where the power and influence was.

Not to say that this can’t be used for good. If you conducted a survey of 100 people and asked if you should try meth, and all 100 say no, so you don’t, those people just saved your life. Or if you asked your family if it was a good idea to have an affair and break up your family, and your family said no, giving you a never ending supply of arguments against such a course of action, your life would be saved, again, probably. Cheating is stupid.

However, due to human nature, peer pressure has more cons. You are easily manipulated into doing or going along with something you disagree with, or aren’t all on board with. Just to stay like, people use you for their own gain, you lose all individuality, you become resentful, people walk all over you, lose respect for you, your backbone is ripped out and trampled on in the street. Just so you don’t die alone and unloved, hopefully. Peer pressure doesn’t give a s*** and is the most disrespectful force in the universe. If somebody really respects you, they will know that you can’t always say yes and cater to them all the time.

Which is why it’s okay to say no, it’s hard but do you want to lose your backbone? No, you should be saying no. You will learn how. Here is a real life example below.

Pissy Jenny: Leggings count as pants, don’t they Mary Sue?

Mary Sue: No they don’t, they’re called leggings, not pants. Plus they’re not always modest.

Pissy Jenny: Well if you were my friend, who cared, you would-

Now is the time to strike back, you are under fire! This is a classic tactic. Mary Sue should restate her opinion, say it’s just her opinion, without being defensive, and that Pissy Jenny her will just have to agree to disagree. And this has nothing to do with their friendship, it’s quite an overreaction. Easy right? No, no it’s not for some reason people keep talking for no good reason.

Mary Sue: It’s just my opinion, we’ll agree to disagree and not overreact or let this affect our friendship. We can respect-

Pissy Jenny: You have betrayed me by not going along with what I say Mary Sue.

Everyone says it differently, but basically, it’s not that creative. They have teeny, tiny, fetus brains and the emotional maturity of one generally, when apparently so gravely besmirched. Now you may be tempted to explain that they’re being a vapid twat and a pussy a**, but don’t. Even though you’re technically not lying. Especially if they need a crew to back them up, better known as back up pussy a***s. You have to dig in your heels and defend yourself. If you have a green lantern ring floating your way it helps. They also might mention an imagined consequence if they’re being extra vapid today.

Mary Sue: I am going to try and be diplomatic walk away, and simply admonish you for your pissy attitude Pissy Jenny.

Pissy Jenny: Are you scared of me? You know I’m right. You will also be losing a friend in me.

Yeah, the script doesn’t, they also might say you’re being racist, or they’re being oppressed, when they are quite obviously not, usually. They’re just being little C-words who are going to die alone if they keep this up. You must stay firm, unlike the ground that they think they’re standing on. Be the actual grown up.

Mary Sue: I don’t know where this is coming from Pissy Jenny. You’re just screaming in my face and not letting me speak at all. I don’t need to be or want to be friends with someone named “Pissy”. Especially given this unbecoming, abhorrent conduct.

Pissy Jenny: Fine, don’t be my friend.

Mary Sue: Your pride is going to ruin you.

Pissy Jenny: Interjection, I dislike you because I begrudgingly respect you now.

Does this ever always work? No, humans. Stupid, stupid, proud humans. What options do you have now? You can walk away, draw a line, set a firm no bulls*** boundary. This is healthy and mature. Or, you could strike back with similar tactics if you are just getting too old for this s***t.

Mary Sue: You are losing a friend too, I tried to be reasonable and grown up with you, my former friend, but I’m not friends with petulant children. I can go find better, more mature friends, while you just sit here and cry, because I dislike you and you are weak.

Pissy Jenny: You think I’m immature and weak? That’s not right! As in, you totally are right, I will do whatever to remedy this situation and mend our friendship.

Mary Sue: That last part was supposed to be in parentheses, but good job on the self-awareness Pissy Jenny, I am slowly but surely regaining respect for you.

Pissy Jenny: We were arguing about pants.

Mary Sue: Good thing you didn’t bring back up, because I would have utterly destroyed them or converted them to my side. And would have taken sick joy in elaborating on it.

Pissy Jenny: How out of character for you, she should write us into her blogs more often. So she remembers our characters.

Mary Sue: Didn’t you die many blogs ago?

Pissy Jenny: Where is Steve?

Peer pressure, give me $5 each and I will tell you how to handle the back-up, is an overwhelming, evil, vile force, but it can be overcome. You don’t have to let your taint rule you. Especially if you don’t physically have one. Just stand firm and watch, or let, the groupthink weaken and wither away. No matter how big and bad a group may look, they can’t all be thinking or agreeing on the exact same things. Divisions will show up eventually. Then you can take joy on your victory. It may just be a battle, but for once, peer pressure lost today.

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