extroverts, feelings, humans, introverts, life, Life Advice, love, psychology, questions, self help, Uncategorized

People You Shouldn’t Have Sex With

Welcome to the last installment of our educational series on sexual harassment, in our last installment we learned how to discern consent.

Mary Sue: I bleep, bleep, bleep, on your, bleep, all up in your bleep, bleeping, all night long bleep!

We also learned about non-verbal consent.

Mary Sue: Hrmphhrmph.

Steve: You can’t describe in words how much you want my bleep…oh, my hand is-

Mary Sue: Hrmph!

But just because you have established consent, should you have sex with that person?

Boudica: Snarl?

Well it’s a question for humans Boudica, it’s also a question for bears, isn’t that right Ursula?

Ursula: Grrr.

Steve’s Cousin: They’re friends now.

Speaking of friends Steve’s Cousin, Pissy Jenny drank all the martinis, became a lot less pissy, and is now interested in your bleep.

Pissy Jenny: That’s right bleep.

Steve’s Cousin: We’ve said bleep too many times, haven’t we?

One Million Moms can’t be wrong Steve’s Cousin, so anyway your penis, would you like to place it inside a hole?

Steve’s Cousin: Boy, do I!

Whose hole?

Steve’s Cousin: One of Pissy Jenny’s!

Well, too bad you can’t, you rapist! You see, Pissy Jenny is very inebriated.

Pissy Jenny: I am very inebriated.

If you stuck your penis in one of her holes now, you’d be taking advantage of her, plus it probably won’t feel as good.

Steve’s Cousin: Gee, I never thought about that because alcohol.

That’s right Steve’s Cousin, use your head and remember to not use your head, in this instance, and there she-

Pissy Jenny: The floor hurts.

Still no Steve’s Cousin.

Steve’s Cousin: Ahhh, just for future reference who else shouldn’t I have sex with?

What an excellent, non-coerced question Steve’s Cousin, generally you should not have sex with the following people.

-Married People

-In a Relationship People

-People under the age of 18

-Children

-The Sick & Infirm

-Crazy People

-People Who aren’t in Their Right Mind

-People Who Will Trick, Manipulate You

-People in Power Over You

-People You Have Power Over

-People You Kidnapped or Brainwashed

-People You had to Drug

-Animals

Steve’s Cousin: Gee, that’s a long list of people that my penis can’t have fun with.

Don’t despair Steve’s Cousin, just because you can’t have sex with those people, doesn’t mean there’s no one to have sex with, isn’t that right Mary Sue?

Mary Sue: Yes, I’m here too.

Steve: And she is my wife you horny bastard.

Steve’s Cousin: I’m still awfully depressed though, if only, oh s***, wolves!

Relax, the Scientist is on his break and the pack of wolves found his bloodied lab coat. They’re here with questions you should ask yourself before potentially copulating with another.

Wolf 1: Growl.

Wolf 2: Growl?

Wolf 3: Growl!

Wolf 1: Growl-

Wolf 2: Growl?

Wolf 3: Growl.

Wolf 1: Growl

Wolf 2: Growl.

If you don’t speak wolf, this friendly, helpful- and knowledgeable, pack of wolves have raised some excellent points. Do you trust this person, are you protected, what ramifications will there be? What is your relationship status, will it be awkward, potentially want to be in a relationship with this person?

Why do you want to have sex with this person, how and where, do you have feelings for them, or vice versa? It’s impossible to just have sex with someone and not face these issues.

Steve’s Cousin: Those are important, necessary questions.

Pissy Jenny: I’m fine now, no wait- the floor still hurts.

Steve’s Cousin: It was really nice of you to offer your holes to me Pissy Jenny, but upon further consideration I think I’ll pass.

Wolf 1: Growl

Wolf 2: Growl.

Wolf 3: Growl?

Steve: Holy crap they’re clapping.

And also admire your maturity and foresight Steve’s Cousin. Well that does it for this installment of our educational series “Sexual Harassment”. We hope you learned a lot, and to be a good citizen, neighbor, coworker, other proper nouns, to the gender that you’re attracted to. See you in our next fun, informative, educational series.

Steve’s Cousin: I don’t think you’re racist Pissy Jenny.

Pissy Jenny: I’m bleeding.

Mary Sue: Racistly!

 

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Santa & Social Anxiety

Here Timmy, sit on this strange man’s lap, who is based on the Norse god of war, referred to as “The Terrifier” and be good so he brings you a present or else, smile for the picture! Say this to a child, and what could possibly go wrong?

Why parents want to preserve this moment in time, who knows? But it’s clearly obvious why some children are scared of Santa. A strange man whose lap they are shoved onto and told to smile, they might as well be a woman and Santa Harvey fricken’ Weinstein.

There are those rare children who love Santa at first sight though- and science has proven that they have gone on to start cults, join cults, usurp the leadership of cults, or become serial killers, science.

However, most kids are sane, and suffer from understandable anxiety, social anxiety. Here are some reasons why your child might not be the biggest fan of parties in the future, good job Santa!

Where’s His Face?

Seriously, where is, and sometimes he looks different, how does he get from place to place, mall to mall so, is Santa a shape shifting, time traveling wizard? Even without “The Terrifier” moniker Santa is a scary. Your baby isn’t going to fall in love with him at first sight, and eventually figure out that something is up.

So Very Jolly

Do you know those people who are just happy all the time? Like Tom Cruise, who are all, or must secretly be in a cult? Santa’s kind of like that, it’s why he has just a chair, not an entire couch. Happiness and good vibes are great- but if you are like that all the time you are on drugs and/or insane. Don’t sick people like that on your children.

New Person Alert!

You don’t have to be jolly all the time to be scary, you can just be new. It’s why Social Anxiety is a type of anxiety. If you are a tiny, helpless child, strangers are extra scary. You can’t defend yourself, say no, get away. Being plopped down on their lap?

You have to be good for Santa so that you get presents, Santa, is, I want to be Jewish mom, Iran has boundaries.

So Much Noise, So Many People

If you aren’t one of those jolly, happy, all the time people, you still kind of know what being on drugs is like. Being overstimulated is a trip- a very painful, anxiety inducing trip. Kids have to wear special headphones to protect their ears, just take your child to the mall, put it in a line with lots of strangers, have people stare at it, give it- yeah.

Timmy isn’t smiling for reasons. All Santas should be sensitive Santas.

 

 

He’s Touching Me!

Everyone has their limits, even children. Not all children are cuddly, want to be hugged and kissed. But everyone else thinks that they should be, because children, they could just eat them up. Children do not want to be eaten, be coddled that much, adored, worshipped- and ones who do have serious issues.

They just want to be kids, give them space, ask if they want the hug first. And don’t just plop them down on strange men’s laps.

No Pictures Please

Fun fact, there are three year olds with Instagram accounts. Do they know that they do, ask for one, can even spell “Instagram”? No, although children require some attention, they can get too much, and egads, assert themselves- show you how they feel. Want to be left alone, just be their non-celebrity themselves.

Kids are smart enough to say no, not want to be in a picture. They can be self-conscious, be morose, moody- in a state not good for pictures. Forcing them to be in one doesn’t help, and they will not appreciate that “adorable, special memory”. It is not adorable, and if you think it’s special, and share it, you are very special.

If your child just wants to write, text, snapchat, or email Santa, they’re pretty normal. Don’t force them to be cute and adorable for your amusement when they don’t want to. It doesn’t help the relationship or their anxiety. The next time you feel tempted to take your more sensitive, or just a child, child, to go see Santa and they resist, just say yes to their no. They will love you forever.

 

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How to Deal with a Self-Righteous Person

Everyone likes to be right win, be perfect all the time- unquestionable, infallible. But Jesus J-walked every once in a while. Life isn’t fair and no one is better than anyone else. Which is a fact people love to intentionally forget.

And they have their arguments, feelings, blinders on that prevent them from ever remembering that. But there are ways you, the not them, can deal with them, tolerate-exist with them. Possibly even wake them up from their stupor.

Contending with their “Truth”, Feelings

For some people, the truth is a very subjective thing, and it offends when they’re confronted with the fact that it isn’t. And the feelings- how not to deal with this is more feelings, trying to convince them that they’re right. It makes things worse.

Instead be logical, let them explain themselves- some people have to see how silly they sound to realize how silly they are. Present them with facts, proven information that they’re willfully ignoring. This is when the defense mechanisms kick in- but this means that they’re listening to you.

Showing your individuality, and respecting theirs, not trying to brainwash them, gets more flies. Much more than asserting yourself to the max and yelling at them, fueling the fire. Standing up for yourself can take many forms.

Be Better Than Them

Not that you are, but better in a civil, polite sense- be the adult, take back the power they think they have. Don’t give them a reason to lash out at you, they can make themselves look bad. That’s everyone’s job, in the end, being responsible for their own actions. What they say, do, getting their s*** together.

Realizing that God has a lot of kids that also need God’s attention, growing up.

Agreeing to Disagree

Do you think you’re ever 100% wrong? No, who does, at first? However, if you can say you might be a percentage higher than 0% wrong, that’s a step in the positive direction. Not a step that anyone enjoys, but a step you have to take.

A very important step that leads to agreeing to disagree, and eventually knowing when to lose. And accepting that, and that it’s fine, it happens to everyone. It’s a true sign of maturity.

Which is why some people need a push in that direction, example. Be that example, disagree with people, but still respect them. Try not to forcibly change them, you can’t be friends with everyone, but you can at least be a good neighbor.

Don’t Pay Attention to Them

Self-righteous people thrive on attention, it’s why they start things or unnecessarily continue things. When confronted by them, don’t give them what they want. You may agree with them, disagree with them, kind of sympathize with them- just don’t show it or say anything. Let your silence and inaction speak for itself.

Because whether or not you agree or disagree, your reaction props them up, validates them. Let them fall, let them stay crazy outsiders. Apparently, they’re enjoying it, will come up with some excuse. You can never be too oppressed or misunderstood, or other underserved sympathetic adjectives.

As long as there have been people, there have been self-righteous people. With toxic, addictive personalities that they totally don’t believe that they have. Although you may feel the urge to strike back, don’t. Let those toxins seep in, let their true colors show.

Oscar Wilde said, “We are each our own devil, and make this world our hell.” Which is everyone’s fate and punishment- and why we project the devil as a different, evil being that tortures poor us! This fate especially stings if you’re a self-righteous person- no one will want to be in your hell with you, your hell is the worst. So self-righteous people imagine it as a heaven exclusively for them.

You can’t break every one of them out of their delusion, but telling them that they’re perpetually stuck in a delusion is a start. And going on with your, not like theirs at all, life afterward, is just winning.

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Extremes

Everyone has feelings, this is an unavoidable fact. But there is hope, you can have just enough feelings, and/or know when to control them, let logic win, and let feelings lose. Emotionality and passion, especially when it’s excessive is overrated- which is a fact very few people understand or remember anymore.

Having too many uncontrollable feelings is in, more than ever before! You need to find something to be angry about, a cause a purpose. It’s a drive you just cannot control, like never ever, what is reality? And rationality, another R-word, isn’t that offensive?

At this point the bullying, peer pressure kicks in. Being an –ist and saying mean things on Twitter starts “productive” arguments that totally should happen because justice. And the millions of other people who fall into this trap.

Being the sane one, who remembers that they’re individuals, who have hearts and brains- the things that make you think before you rush to judgment because you’re just an authority on like everything, is rare. You can usually be found hiding, avoiding conflict, or only letting your cat judge you.

Because good look trying to convince an extreme person, with an addictive personality and righteousness complex that they’re wrong. Or remind them that everyone doesn’t like them, or agree with them, or that there’s more to the world than them.

And that their belief don’t make them better than everyone else, and they could be wrong. God, the truth, Jesus, or who, whatever being on your side doesn’t mean you have to win, get your way all the time. That’s childish and unrealistic.

Which is why they have to form little cliques and groups to have friends, label themselves oppressed outsiders when they really aren’t. Upper and middle-class college students who constantly, and unnecessarily apologize for slavery are not oppressed. But they might actually be poor themselves, because college.

These groups then go on to be even more fervent, and evangelize- whether or not they’re religious, and draw people in. To help their cause, change the world- and granted, the world can be a pretty messed up place, but the changes you’d like to see aren’t always right for everyone, who also live on earth, and have rights. And don’t want you in their business all the time.

Also, if you’re the one making everyone else look worse, attacking people, who is the real monster? It is impossible to ever convince someone 100% that they’re wrong, but when it comes to angry, self-righteous people who are just loud, and shout to prove their points- this percentage is much closer to the square root of negative one.

When it comes to most other people though, who feel no need to shout and proclaim that they’re oppressed to communicate their thoughts and opinions- they do not really care that much. Some are just trying to survive, get by, not start things.

They’d rather get along, and not always understand, but try not to judge. In truth, most of the population does not care who you sleep with, what you eat- unless it’s babies and kittens, or how, where you worship. It’s not their business, does not affect them.

As long as you’re not openly an –ist, especially to them.

But if it does, then communicate better, more reasonably, justly- babies and kittens are innocent, they need to be protected. Because when it comes down to it, they have bothered to learn the difference between righteousness and self-righteousness.

Martin Luther King was righteous, the people who looted and tried to burn down cities after he was martyred were not. Why? What did the mattresses at Sears do? Justice was served, calm down.

It seems hard to tell the difference between righteousness and self-righteousness, but there are ways. Here are three different scenarios.

Scenario 1

Marsha and Brenda, two transgendered lesbians who identify as sheep, are approached by the pastor of the Westboro Baptist Church regarding their life choices and proclivities. The good Christian pastor berates them and tells them that they’re going to hell unless they find Jesus.

Meanwhile, Marsha and Brenda just enjoy the show and eat their gelato. Who was being self-righteous?

The pastor, what did Marsha and Brenda do to incite him, who started it? And who just ignored the situation and didn’t give it any attention which is a sound strategy for most situations. You give something more power by feeding it.

Scenario 2

Jimmy Carter is at a Bar Mitzvah, during the joyous dancing he exclaims that Israel is oppressing Palestine. This starts an argument with the Rabbi, who is being self-righteous?

Jimmy Carter is most at fault. Israel could be doing better with Palestine, but does anyone at that Bar Mitzvah have anything to do with that? The Rabbi could be self-righteous as well, but is defending yourself when confronted ever really self-righteous?

No, it’s a natural response. There is an art to do it effectively and eloquently though.

Scenario 3

Marsha, Brenda, the pastor of the Westboro Baptist Church, Jimmy Carter, and the Rabbi walk into a bar. The Rabbi and the Pastor join the astronaut who have been waiting for them. Leaving Jimmy Carter with the transgendered lesbians who identify as sheep.

Jimmy Carter is uncomfortable and tries to make conversation. When Jimmy gets up to the bathroom Marsha and Brenda start talking smack about him. Jimmy overhears this on the way back to the table, and confronts them, by talking smack about them back with the astronaut.

The Rabbi and the Pastor advise them to calm down, stop acting like children. It is unbecoming of them. They retort by boycotting the bar and talking in a nasty manner about the pastor and rabbi on Facebook. They were mansplaining and oppressing them. Who is being self-righteous?

Everyone else except the Pastor and the Rabbi, they were trying to actually help, offer advice. You can’t let Jimmy Carter, an Astronaut, and two transgendered lesbians who identify as sheep argue in public, who knows what will happen.

Everyone else was caught up in “me, me, me”, while the Pastor and Rabbi saw the big picture. Which is never racist or sexist.

Now that you recognize the signs and symptoms of extreme, self-righteous people with toxic addictive personalities- you are officially not crazy. And have a point, matter, and can stand up for yourself by staying far, far away. So congratulations on knowing and realizing that high fives from Jesus don’t cure you of homosexuality, and being an individual with multiple bodily organs that you know how to use!

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The Introverted Child

If you have an introverted child and are reading this, it is not broken. No need to send it back to the manufacturer. Your child also probably isn’t autistic, and stop diagnosing it with things, you are not qualified. You know what you are qualified to do? Love it like any other child, and to stop judging it and worrying so much.

The right attitude to have is love, acceptance, your child actually is special, not like other kids- for once. Stop telling its’ teachers it has autism. Trust me, it will run with that. It is not stupid, it knows what “autistic” kids get away with.

Things which include, but are not limited to:

-Rightfully Claiming Toys that are Their Toys

-Punching &/or Kicking the School Bully in the Crotch

-Exclaiming They are Surrounded by Idiots

-The Sarcasm of a Crochety Old Demon

-Dark &/or Dirty Jokes

-Being “Oppressed”

-“Right Triangles!” During Laps Around the Baseball Diamond

-Laying Flat on the Ground During Dodgeball (Winning)

-Telling the Truth

-Calling Hos Hos

-Dismantling and Tearing Apart Modern Feminism

-Calling Lena Dunhma Lena Dunham

-Having No Female Friends

-Offering to Give their Parents Mercy Air Enemas in the Nursing Home

-Knowing How to Give an Air Enema

Physicians, and behavioral therapists, who went to school, and can professionally diagnose autism, know that these are not symptoms of autism. Especially realizing that Lena Dunham is just Lena Dunham, and could really use an air enema.

They are symptoms of an unhealthy, subversive attitude incurred by the “Oh, you poor thing treatment”. It’s a form of rebelling, the world’s longest-running gag, in essence, a “F*** You”, or a test, if that makes you feel less fooled.

But you can avoid this, really you can. Put that “How to be More Outgoing” book back on the shelf right now.

What to Do

Stop Comparing

As mentioned earlier, every child is different. They have different personalities, ways of processing. They don’t all reach the same milestones at the same time, or when they should, or you think they should.

When you stop demanding that your introverted child be something that it’s not, they are allowed to be themselves. Hopefully, you can live with that and maybe like them. Either way, a lot less resentment is built up.

Lower Your Expectations

Just because Timmy is so popular and had the entire class at his birthday party doesn’t mean your kid will. In fact, most of that class doesn’t give a F’ about Timmy. They’re there for cake, and ice cream, and maybe the bounce house.

And to smell Timmy’s cards for the money smell, every time they’re right they are given a small payment for their services- which can add up to several bounce houses over 18 birthdays. Also, gift cards are the taint of the devil, how are you supposed to, so you ask for an item, but then you- economics is hard.

Your child is Timmy-Timmy is too stupid to smell his own money, appreciate this. Take it in, be happy with the child you have. Your child has also probably googled “Roth IRA” at least once, and if you’re Jewish…be ironically proud.

Space

No one likes being crowded or babied. Usually, it’s better to let people be, do their own thing. Let sleeping dogs lie, especially if they know why werewolves are misunderstood. Introverts have a stronger independent streak, they don’t need to be surrounded by people all the time.

Let them go if you love them. They will come back to you, trust them. They’ve got this, they’ll probably figure it out- better and faster than the other kids. And they will not show this off or share as much, but that’s not a bad thing. Nikola Tesla learned to be wary of Thomas Edison for a reason.

Acknowledgement

This doesn’t mean that you should leave them with that pack of wolves forever though. You can only learn so much from wolves. Den mother is wise and knowledgeable. But she doesn’t have a whole lot of salad recipes.

Check in on them every once in a while, ask how it’s going. Say you’re there, will attempt a meaningful, engaging conversation- the only conversation worth having. Remind them they matter too.

Let Them Talk

Another great way to do this is to let them talk. They typically need more encouragement to do this or leeway, or for Timmy to shut up and remind him that the cut they demand is fair to all and 2% less than Janet’s. They are also more reliable and have produced concrete results. Abraham Lincoln did say not to change into a horse mid ice-cream- horses don’t have thumbs, brochure?

Invite them to voice their opinion, say something. Give them a chance to speak. No one can keep their emotions and opinions bottled up forever. It’s impossible to distill them and sell them for bounce houses. Most of which they will rent out-but keep one for themselves. Bounce houses are great to ponder franchising in.

What Not to Do

Treat Them Differently

Handicapped people can find their parking spots and legally required ramps on their own. Very few people are completely helpless- but when it comes to “Oh that poor little child”, this is quickly and easily forgotten.

Unwarranted special treatment quickly corrupts and spoils anyone. It should never, and typically doesn’t last forever. No woman wants to marry a Momma’s boy, no man wants to marry a Daddy’s girl. Reminding people that they are perfectly capable of doing things themselves is the best policy. Also, that attention seriously backfires-, particularly among children.

“Encouraging” Them

Even the smallest baby, nay embryo, can wonder what Zumba is, and eventually decided if they should try it. Let this happen. Let people make their own choices- let them mess up, reach conclusions on their own.

Don’t guilt them or make them do things they don’t want to do- it is their choice, they have free will. Tell your introverted child about an activity, or new tiny drunk adult they might like. Let them decide to venture out.

No one is too young to exercise their free will, to be convinced, have points. Gentle and respectful encouragement is better than “If you don’t do this you are a failure and will die.”

Watching Them

Not just watching them keeping an eye on them, WATCHING them. Someone from the NSA seeing a Muslim WATCHING them. This is offensive and scary- even if it could be warranted. Get your evidence first. A qualified, outside third party, fourth party, fifth party threeveth party opinion that isn’t yours.

You don’t know everything, no one ever knows 100% of all available information on everything like ever- especially when it comes to parenting. Calm down, you’re not a failure, literally, hopefully, or metaphorically, or, well you, I still have one of the brochures. It’s adorable.

Ignore Them

An independent streak can be a good thing- but don’t take this as a sign to disconnect, ignore that person forever. Especially a child. No child is ever 100% innocent or helpless, but at least 1% of the time they are, math rhymes with both kinds of –paths for a reason.

Children aren’t supposed to raise themselves, some have- but it didn’t turn out that well. Remind your introverted child that you notice them, don’t let them be overpowered, don’t sell them for a can of beer.

Tell Them What’s Wrong with Them

Yes, you did the nasty, went to pound town, someone fell down and then it got up, the beast with two backs- or adopted, IVF, surrogacy, you’re a parent. Do you really know everything about your child though? Hint, you don’t.

My mom didn’t know that the Chili Parlor/Whorehouse was called the Squirts, in the dark, sleeping in her bed and that I could slip back into the shadows unnoticed so easily. Miscommunications and misunderstandings happen- wrong conclusions made, listening not done, confusion ensues.

Deal with that instead of diagnosing your child as being wrong. Your child knows themselves very well-yes, they can be in denial. But so can you. Everyone can be wrong and something can be wrong with everyone.

Just don’t decree it, loudly, bombastically, with great authority, all the time. It’s probably why some people have to adopt, why Jesus duct taped those legs together.

Your introverted child isn’t some strange, bizarre creature- but they can be, or are, which. By not judging them, and loving, accepting them for who they are, they become a lot less strange and bizarre.

They can even become perfectly ordinary children, who came out of the right person. God doesn’t make…the stork doesn’t, children aren’t….lizard people, so stop treating your introverted child like one. Seriously, they hate mouse sashimi, again, for dinner.

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Faking it for Other’s Pleasure

Pleasing others at your own personal expense is a long-held tradition across all cultures. So is plotting the demise of humanity. The Masses are supposed to accommodate the interests of the minority, but this is rarely enforced.

Which is why we poor introverts are forced to go along with what the extroverts want. But those secret meetings we’ve been having on the telepathic network have been paying in divid…squirrel!

But since extroverts are so simple minded and pedestrian, it’s quite easy to blend in, live unnoticed. The code word is “Splunge”. Their typical behaviors include:

-Opening Their Mouths for No Reason

-Not Closing Them

-“Helping”

-Being Bothersome

-Slipping and Falling Into Bear Traps

-Not Seeing the Obvious

-Not Getting Your Awesome Harry Potter Jokes

But never fear, you can imitate this, no, don’t run away, if we imitate them they won’t notice when we shout the code word. Good, you came back, welcome back to the plan, bring it in for an acknowledgment of your mental fortitude.

Extrovert Juice

Our Scientists have found that by simply drinking alcohol, we can imitate their behavior. There are many delicious combinations of alcohols and kinds of alcohols. Our research teams set the bar high for themselves, then immediately regretted it. So the extrovert juice was working.

When they found themselves unable to belly up to it, disappointed in their lives and selves, they really felt like extroverts. So normal, unaccomplished, and so, ordinary, prosaic-they felt like everyone else!

Non-Alcoholic Options

But there are non-alcoholic options. Try opening your mouth, just say words, lots and lots of words. When your therapist asks what you’re doing say “Art”. And that you feel like you’re being judged.

“Helping”

Help a perfectly competent person cross the road. Demand that they get out of their car and get some exercise, glare at them through their window until they acquiesce to your demands and…oh, that’s right, that’s not a good idea. It looks like you have autism, then you definitely don’t blend in.

Just find a woman and tell her she shouldn’t be able to walk. You’ll blend in, especially if you’re a male. Apparently, it is feminist and a compliment.

Stupid Questions

Also ask stupid questions, for example when you’re checking out at the grocery store. “So if I started a business literally called “Your Business”? Or at work, “Am I black?”, and don’t remember anything, take nothing in, digest nothing. So just spend a lot of time on Facebook.

Feelings & Opinions are Facts

Nowadays, not seeing the obvious is very easy. Tell your boss that high fives from Jesus cure homosexuality, the Westboro Baptist Church says so. And just express the heck out of your feelings.

For example, acknowledge aloud when you have to poop, loudly, inquire about the time you will get nachos. Start an argument, fight, a great way to do so is simply ask “Would you like to argue or fight because?”. Something will come up, millenials.

Not Getting Awesome Harry Potter Jokes

Humans are silly, I miss our home planet. And if you want to not get awesome Harry Potter jokes, just don’t be awesome. What do you mean “no one nose”, of course, there’s a way to describe Voldemort, derr, just an example. Or forget you read the books.

Special Occasions

Special occasions are called special because they make you feel special. But pretend not to be special by being special because they’re also called special because they’re for special people, you are the special. They also usually involve extrovert juice.

Social Gatherings

Parties and Family Gatherings are such occasions. Pretend you came out of that woman by remembering nothing, asking stupid questions like, are you okay, and talking about feelings and that you should go out more and have friends. I’m worried about you, did you bedazzle a bear trap? Silly things like that, you were bored.

Dates

If you also want a free meal and find yourself on a date, that is a perfect time to fake it for someone else’s pleasure, it also helps if you say your date’s name, a lot. This also works at most other occasions. Even family gatherings.

There are many wonderful reasons to fake it for someone else’s pleasure. So many wonderful reasons that suit your wonderful purposes. A means to an end means you have to reach that end, luckily you rarely have to say the alphabet backward. But whether or not you try the extrovert juice technique or non-alcoholic method, be your best, not yourself.

That way they’ll never see your true self coming.

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feelings, humans, life, Life Advice, psychology, self help, Tips, Uncategorized

Should I Like This Child? Part 2

You know those kids, those kids? Yeah, you might have been that kid. Or maybe you were every once in a while. Although you can’t generalize people, those kids tend to share certain qualities- that could be greatly improved upon.

Bad, Unlikable Children:

  1. Make Noise

People and kids needing a certain amount of attention is obvious. When grandpa falls and he can’t get up- someone help grandpa up! But if grandpa demands that you apologize for supposedly pushing him, when you were in the other room, no.

Some people, especially young children, just make noise, to make noise. To get attention, for hopefully a reason Supernanny can figure out. If not, guess who you should worry about.

No one likes someone who thinks it’s all about them, and they’re awesome, look at me, because giving someone that much attention isn’t possible. It’s important to teach a child this at a young age, and not when they fall and can’t get up. Someone could be very tempted to not help them up.

  1. What are Ears?

There is a song that specifically addresses this for children-but some sing it and tend to forget what ears but remember what their mouth is. Ideally, for everyone, this would be reversed. And not just for politeness and manners, but personal safety.

Timmy really should listen when you’re explaining to him that bleach isn’t Kool-Aid and that lions aren’t housecats. Valuable, life-saving, useful information is learned by listening. And when people eschew listening, it’s hard to feel as sorry for them when they suffer for it, compared to someone who did and just got in an unfortunate accident.

No matter how young or old they are.

  1. So Much Nope

There’s a difference between asserting yourself stubborn, and I’m not getting my way so you’ve definitely been molesting me stubborn. No one gets their way all the time, is always right- people of all ages need to learn this, accept this.

They don’t react well at first, but after one or two unfortunate reactions they catch on, learn to cope, adapt. Live without winning every game- but if they don’t, and insist on loudly and persistently expressing their displeasure, they’re not going to get far in life.

Everyone knows, or everyone knows a kid or person like this. And they don’t have a lot of friends or get a lot of invites. Which makes them even more amiable and popular.

Like listening, learning how to compromise, accept defeat- and move on, is an art. Ideally learned and retained when young, in a minimal amount of time.

  1. Shenanigans

People can find themselves is whacky, awkward situations. But if you find yourself in them more than once every other day, or two- that’s a problem. Either you have no luck at all or a serious psychological issue.

Attention seeking behavior is never attractive because it is attention seeking behavior. It’s narcissistic and childish. Which is why children are prone to it. IT can easily be confused with testing, learning boundaries- but it is not.

If a child is starting things, encouraging situations that don’t need encouraging, causing issues and problems- take them to a psychologist. It’s a sign. Either they aren’t getting enough attention, which is sad. But can be addressed and resolved, ending the behavior. Or they can’t get enough attention which means, well nothing good.

However, you can encourage them to start thinking that it’s not good by giving them that attention, especially when it annoys them and they don’t want it, expose them to their- you didn’t hear it from me but spanking is not the worst but most effective solution.

  1. Helplessness

Another unattractive attention seeking behavior is excessive helplessness, needing to be babied. It is covert attention-seeking behavior, but still attention seeking behavior. It’s the most insidious because helping a child, or person, seems natural, helpful- and some people take advantage of this.

Make you do things for them, get special attention, when they don’t need it, and they already get enough attention. Or really should be able to pull up their own pants by now, are not mentally or physically disabled at all. It’s important to remember that other people have their own lives and problems- they can’t always help others deal with their lives and problems.

Part of growing up is letting go, venturing out on your own-being unsure, insecure. But overcoming it. Not crying because you just learned that you actually can put the straw in the juice box by yourself. You can literally spell juice box.

Children aren’t all bad, or all good. They have their reasons, motivations for their behavior. But if it’s bad behavior, don’t let it become part of their personality. Encourage good behavior, qualities.

They’ll never be perfect angels, no one is. It’s true, kids are kids-but they can be better because they’re also people. And people, who know people, most certainly know people can be better.

Even though people don’t like people, or kids, or kids other kids, don’t always like each other, or some, for reasons, they have good reason to sometimes. Bad behavior is bad behavior, bad vibes are bad vibes, dicks can be dicks-the only way to resolve this is to bring it to their attention and see what happens. And that is far from being mean or abuse.

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