The following events would probably take place if I actually had a friend…that for some stupid reason went to Afghanistan.
(phone rings, INTJ ignores it, doesn’t recognize the number)
(same number calls again, Afghanistan area code)
INTJ: Stupid telemarketers.
(same number calls again)
INTJ: I have no idea who this is but whoever you are I do not want your product or-
Terrorists: Hello Infidel, we have kidnapped your friend.
INTJ: I have friends?
“Friend”: I know your phone number.
INTJ: Excellent point, that is some Fort Knox shit there.
Terrorists: For one million dollars, you filthy American Infidel, we will return-
INTJ: You want that much? Seriously, look at what you kidnapped.
Terrorists: I think this is the wrong number.
INTJ: With the prices that you’re charging it’s no wonder that you’re not moving inventory.
“Friend”: You are aware of the fact that you are on speaker phone.
INTJ: Also, there are better ways to achieve your organizational goals. What is your organization’s goal or mission statement?
INTJ: Do you have a slogan, logo? You need good branding before you can have a good branding strategy, seriously, who am I talking to here? What makes you stand out?
Terrorists: We didn’t think about that before we became terrorists.
INTJ: I understand, most people don’t think about a lot of things before they become terrorists. But your do have one thing.
Terrorists: A valuable hostage?
INTJ: No, passion. Passion is great to have, but it doesn’t make a solution magically appear, however, it can drive you to find one.
Terrorists: I am writing that down, it is an excellent quote.
“Friend”: I would like to use one of my other lifelines.
Terrorists: No, we like this one.
INTJ: What you have is a really exciting, potentially explosive concept. You could make a big impact-
“Friend”: She knows that those are really dark puns but she’s using them anyway.
INTJ: I am negotiating with the startup, what is the name of your organization?
Terrorists: Al Shasteve.
INTJ: You need to work on the name.
Terrorists: I know.
“Friend”: Stop helping the terrorists!
INTJ: Hey, you didn’t get kidnapped by Al Qaeda or ISIS.
Terrorists: What are you implying extremely helpful infidel?
INTJ: I’m implying that you could be on that level, you could be Al Qaeda, or ISIS, or Hezbollah even, I assume that you want your organization to grow and develop, be a worldwide brand?
Terrorists: Yes, we want to be on CNN, but how?
INTJ: It’s a combination of brand connectivity and awareness, what’s your story, what makes you human, relatable to your audience?
Terrorists: We want to connect with our local audience and kill our international audience.
INTJ: On the surface those are counter intuitive, but they could work together.
INTJ: That is an excellent question, the simple answer is, they both involve engagement, engagement would be much easier with your international audience because you’re trying to kill them.
Terrorists: They will be very scared of us.
INTJ: But your local audience, how will they connect and condone you killing your international audience?
Terrorists: We’re locally owned and operated, we share the same beliefs, have the same problems, want to solve them. By problems I mean infidels like you, and you!
“Friend”: I’m sorry, your English is excellent!
INTJ: Those are all excellent aspects of your organizations that any killer organization should possess.
INTJ: What you need are local brand ambassadors and evangelists, local businesses and organizations need to connect on a local level in order to succeed. I assume that you have a recruiting department.
Terrorists: We do, but, all the other terrorists join other terrorists, who aren’t us.
INTJ: That’s a completely different subject, but long story short, you need to invest in recruiting, if you have the top talent and top recruits, you will be on top. Have you considered affiliate marketing? In return, being somehow affiliated, or at least endorsed, acknowledges your organization’s worth as a quality organization. Also knowing that your competition thinks you’re competition is a real confidence boost.
Terrorists: Also…brand awareness?
INTJ: Exactly, brand awareness, free marketing! See, you have to invest in it at first, but the dividends and return. You are catching on Al Shasteve.
“Friend”: Whatever they say, don’t explain incentivization to them.
Terrorists: Why not, why not helpful infidel?
INTJ: Well, with your unique startup I’m not sure that would be a good idea, it could be disastrous for you, your competition could turn that against you. You don’t want to scare away your audience, with however, you’d convince, or forcibly earn someone’s loyalty. Also, you can’t hack growth and have genuine growth.
Terrorists: You are very wise and just saved us the trouble of taking many lives. Would you like to negotiate for your friend’s release now?
INTJ: Oh, that, sorry, we were just having such a great, valuable conversation, does she want to come back?
Terrorists: The helpful infidel wants to know if you want to come back.
“Friend”: She’s not my favorite person now and I am totally reporting her to the FBI now but yes.
INTJ: Well if it’s going to be-
Terrorists: Wait, don’t hang up, you’ve been so helpful to us, we’d feel bad if you got absolutely nothing out of this.
INTJ: You’re right, the terrorists are right, tell the nice terrorists thank you.
“Friend”: Thank you nice terrorists.
Terrorists: You are welcome, so, $1,000,000
INTJ: That’s a bit high for me, I gave you a good $999,999 in advice. Also, you need to build up your brand and associate it with such a high price tag. You should aspire to be a real luxury brand. Think about it, a purse is basically a purse, but with a certain name on it, convince your consumer that you are that good, with what you have there and being a startup and all.
“Friend”: Tell my mother I love her.
INTJ: what I’m saying is this could be a great opportunity for you, have you kidnapped anyone else for ransom money before?
Terrorists: Yes, but they died.
INTJ: Ahhh, well I have some idea what could have happened.
Terrorists: You do, we’re terrorists. Very bad terrorists.
INTJ: But do you want that mess again? This is a prime chance to develop your negotiating skills. A paid ransom for a living person is very important for your business model. It also cleans up your reputation, and saves you quiet the cleanup, she is just going to splatter everywhere. That’s not halal.
Terrorists: Caves are hard to clean.
INTJ: And she can tell the west how truly terrifying and threatening you are, right?
“Friend”: Yes, brand evangelism.
INTJ: To an international audience that you could probably not afford to reach with paid advertisement currently. She could be so very useful for once.
“Friend”: That’s right, I’ll be so…what do you mean for once?
INTJ: I think she’s only worth $10,000.
Terrorists: We need more than that.
INTJ: You see that’s the thing, when you start a business, you think money is everything, but there are valuable free, literal and metaphorical resources that matter too. Also, where would that money go? You might think that things like administrative costs and travel expenses are at the forefront now, but no, in fact, make a list, decide the minimal amount you’d need. You’re going to have to be creative, but what small business isn’t at this stage? Also, a small amount of money could get to you faster than a large amount, and cover immediate pressing expenses.
Terrorists: We could kidnap other people.
INTJ: More valuable people.
Terrorists: And be like a luxury brand?
INTJ: Yes, and then you’d have her, on CNN, you know, what you have coming together here is a real strategy for growth.
Terrorists: When you put it that way.
“Friend”: This is your nice way of saying I’m not worth that much to you but I agree with you and it’s working.
INTJ: Whatever lets everybody win, huh?
Terrorists: We do need to get rid of her, she is getting kind of annoying.
INTJ: I know right, good job incentivizing and promoting a sense of urgency.
“Friend”: Yes, I wasn’t just scared because I was kidnapped by terrorists at all.
INTJ: Personally, I think she has great sales skills, $50,000, and her and I launch a promotional campaign for the hottest new terrorist group, Al Shasteve?
Terrorists: $100,000 and the promotional campaign.
INTJ: You’ve had to put up with her for at least a week.
“Friend”: Three, did you not see that I wasn’t active on Facebook at all?
INTJ: Oh, you’re on Facebook? (pretending not to know) I’ve been, busy.
“Friend”: You manage Facebook pages and make Facebook ads, you have to have a Facebook account!
Terrorists: $90,000 you have an excellent point, you’re the one who’d really be paying.
INTJ: I know right, I saw on one of my friend’s pages that she just posts so much, it’s like, get a life, scoff, $75,000.
Terrorists: $80,000 and you have to become Facebook friends with her.
INTJ: $75,001. She asks for prayers and demands likes.
Terrorists: $75,002, we will drop the entire promotional campaign and you have to give her all the infidel likes and infidel prayers she wants.
INTJ: Only if in the event that she has kids she never mentions them on Facebook or posts pictures of the things. I’m concerned for those poor children’s privacy and safety.
Terrorists: An even $75,000 if you throw in some goats.
INTJ: I have an Applebee’s gift card.
Terrorists: What is Applebees?
INTJ: $50,000, the goats, and Fly Emirates T-shirts for all of you, no conditions attached.
Terrorists: You have to help us make the list.
INTJ: That’s a fair deal, send me your T-Shirt sizes.
Terrorists: Can the goats get Fly Emirates T-Shirts too?
INTJ: Uh, that would be hilarious, send me their sizes and I will throw in the Applebee’s gift card for free. Send me pictures of the goats in the T-shirts, inchallah.
“Friend”: How am I getting home?
INTJ: Oh, sorry, I was distracted by the idea of seeing goats in, where is the nearest airport?
INTJ: Could you drop her off outside a military base and just tell her what you want to say about your organization?
Terrorists: We could drop her off on Pakistan, what idiot would think that we didn’t have connections in Pakistan?
INTJ: I know, but in a semi-safe area, there’s a Harry Potter café, I’d love for her to bring me back some pictures and souvenirs.
“Friend”: Oh F’ you.
Terrorists: Is that how you thank your helpful infidel friend?
“Friend”: I’ll take pictures.
INTJ: Good, then find your way to a US Military base, say what they want you to say. Also, pick up and mail the the T-shirts and goats. The terrorists are the ones making you do that, not me.
“Friend”: I am not thanking you for negotiating my release at all.
INTJ: Splitsies on your ransom, and you get to punch me in the face as hard as you can when you land.
Terrorists: How selfless.
INTJ: I’ll mail the Applebees gift card?
“Friend”: You had me at punch you in the face as hard as I can when I land.
Terrorists: She’s going home!
INTJ: I am such a good friend.
“Friend”: Reporting you to the FBI is not exactly off the table.