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People You Shouldn’t Have Sex With

Welcome to the last installment of our educational series on sexual harassment, in our last installment we learned how to discern consent.

Mary Sue: I bleep, bleep, bleep, on your, bleep, all up in your bleep, bleeping, all night long bleep!

We also learned about non-verbal consent.

Mary Sue: Hrmphhrmph.

Steve: You can’t describe in words how much you want my bleep…oh, my hand is-

Mary Sue: Hrmph!

But just because you have established consent, should you have sex with that person?

Boudica: Snarl?

Well it’s a question for humans Boudica, it’s also a question for bears, isn’t that right Ursula?

Ursula: Grrr.

Steve’s Cousin: They’re friends now.

Speaking of friends Steve’s Cousin, Pissy Jenny drank all the martinis, became a lot less pissy, and is now interested in your bleep.

Pissy Jenny: That’s right bleep.

Steve’s Cousin: We’ve said bleep too many times, haven’t we?

One Million Moms can’t be wrong Steve’s Cousin, so anyway your penis, would you like to place it inside a hole?

Steve’s Cousin: Boy, do I!

Whose hole?

Steve’s Cousin: One of Pissy Jenny’s!

Well, too bad you can’t, you rapist! You see, Pissy Jenny is very inebriated.

Pissy Jenny: I am very inebriated.

If you stuck your penis in one of her holes now, you’d be taking advantage of her, plus it probably won’t feel as good.

Steve’s Cousin: Gee, I never thought about that because alcohol.

That’s right Steve’s Cousin, use your head and remember to not use your head, in this instance, and there she-

Pissy Jenny: The floor hurts.

Still no Steve’s Cousin.

Steve’s Cousin: Ahhh, just for future reference who else shouldn’t I have sex with?

What an excellent, non-coerced question Steve’s Cousin, generally you should not have sex with the following people.

-Married People

-In a Relationship People

-People under the age of 18


-The Sick & Infirm

-Crazy People

-People Who aren’t in Their Right Mind

-People Who Will Trick, Manipulate You

-People in Power Over You

-People You Have Power Over

-People You Kidnapped or Brainwashed

-People You had to Drug


Steve’s Cousin: Gee, that’s a long list of people that my penis can’t have fun with.

Don’t despair Steve’s Cousin, just because you can’t have sex with those people, doesn’t mean there’s no one to have sex with, isn’t that right Mary Sue?

Mary Sue: Yes, I’m here too.

Steve: And she is my wife you horny bastard.

Steve’s Cousin: I’m still awfully depressed though, if only, oh s***, wolves!

Relax, the Scientist is on his break and the pack of wolves found his bloodied lab coat. They’re here with questions you should ask yourself before potentially copulating with another.

Wolf 1: Growl.

Wolf 2: Growl?

Wolf 3: Growl!

Wolf 1: Growl-

Wolf 2: Growl?

Wolf 3: Growl.

Wolf 1: Growl

Wolf 2: Growl.

If you don’t speak wolf, this friendly, helpful- and knowledgeable, pack of wolves have raised some excellent points. Do you trust this person, are you protected, what ramifications will there be? What is your relationship status, will it be awkward, potentially want to be in a relationship with this person?

Why do you want to have sex with this person, how and where, do you have feelings for them, or vice versa? It’s impossible to just have sex with someone and not face these issues.

Steve’s Cousin: Those are important, necessary questions.

Pissy Jenny: I’m fine now, no wait- the floor still hurts.

Steve’s Cousin: It was really nice of you to offer your holes to me Pissy Jenny, but upon further consideration I think I’ll pass.

Wolf 1: Growl

Wolf 2: Growl.

Wolf 3: Growl?

Steve: Holy crap they’re clapping.

And also admire your maturity and foresight Steve’s Cousin. Well that does it for this installment of our educational series “Sexual Harassment”. We hope you learned a lot, and to be a good citizen, neighbor, coworker, other proper nouns, to the gender that you’re attracted to. See you in our next fun, informative, educational series.

Steve’s Cousin: I don’t think you’re racist Pissy Jenny.

Pissy Jenny: I’m bleeding.

Mary Sue: Racistly!


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Sexual Harassment: Consent

Hello, and welcome back to our educational series on the current bane of our society- sexual harassment. In our last installment Steve learned to ask if he could grope someone first on pain of having his now sensitive genitals attacked by a schmoked up Feminist Honey Badger, again.

Pissy Jenny: We also learned that I’m not racist

Slow down Pissy Jenny, we haven’t quite figured that out yet, consent, interrogative words consent? There are two main ways people consent- verbally and nonverbally. Here’s a verbal example.

Mary Sue: Did you notice that I also have beautiful eyes Steve?

Boudica: Snarl…..

Steve: Feminism.

Here’s a nonverbal example.

Boudica: Snarl…

Steve: Oh look how comfortable you are with me, not saying no, trusting me, and knowing me for a while.

Pissy Jenny: Yeah, I know right.

Mary Sue: Mental agreement!

Boudica: Snarl.

Pissy Jenny: Oxymorons save lives.

There are many ways to verbally consent to intercourse or attention that may lead to intercourse, here are some not- drunk examples.

Steve: I like you Mary Sue.

Mary Sue: As do I, we should make out.

Mary Sue: I think that you are handsome and sexy.

Steve: My penis is ready.

Steve: Hey, do you want to have sex?

Mary Sue: My vagina is ready.

Steve: I think that we should have sex.

Mary Sue: My vagina and limbic system would probably like and enjoy that.

Mary Sue: Gee Steve, it’s been awhile since I’ve been to Pound Town, could you assist me with getting there?

Steve: How fast and smooth or roughly do you want to get there? Here’s a form.


Here are some drunk examples.

Steve: I think that you’re hot and have a penis Steve’s Cousin.

Mary Sue: This is true.

Steve Cousin: What a lovely vagina you must have.

Mary Sue: That’s right bitch.

Steve: Do you like my t***?

Mary Sue: I want to go brpph in them.

Steve: I want to expletive things to you because we’ve used t**** a lot already.

Mary Sue: That’s right bitch.

Mary Sue: I want to sloppily make out with your face and ride you like a horse.

Steve: Neigh.


Here are “I’m so horny I can’t think straight” examples.

Mary Sue: I’m so horny I can’t think straight.

Steve: Maybe my penis can help not make you a lesbian.

Pissy Jenny: Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

Steve: Your, expletive is distracting me you ravishing sexy woman.

Mary Sue: The right one or the, oh right, poop!

Mary Sue: I need to get pounded hard all night long with your penis Steve.

Steve: That can be arranged.

Steve: Do you require penis you metaphorically dirty girl?

Mary Sue: Yes, but there is still nothing wrong with being a Lesbian and I am not racist.

Steve: Fun fact, I have an erection.

Mary Sue: Oh my, that must be distracting.

You may be asking yourself, gee, what quality verbal examples, but what about nonverbal examples and shouldn’t they take place in a place?

Mary Sue: Holy crap Pissy Jenny, we are in a place!

Pissy Jenny: You should try that entire shelf of liquor and see what happens Boudica.

Ursula: Grr!

Mary Sue: You’re back from your tropical vacation with the pack of wolves!

Ursula: Grr?

Pissy Jenny: It’s okay, you’re transgender, everyone has to like you.

Boudica; Snarl!

Mary Sue: This is just like Vanderpump Rules Yay!

Gee, I wonder what those pack of wolves from our mandatory or else educational series “How to be a Woman” series are doing?

Wolf 1: Growl.

Wolf 2: Growl!

Wolf 3: Growl.

Who doesn’t love looking at pictures of yourself in them on a vacation you, yourself, went on? Not wolves apparently, uh oh it looks like someone had a few too many drinks by their suddenly private pool. Lets check back in at the place.

Boudica: Snarl!

Usrula: Grr!

Mary Sue: S*** is going down!

Steve: I know, it’s hard to flirt with you over the sound of a Transgendered Cross Dressing Bear and Schmoked up Feminist Honey Badger fighting to the death.

Mary Sue: You were flirting with me? A Transgendered Cross Dressing Bear and a Schmoked up Feminist Honey Badger are fighting each other to the death.

Pissy Jenny: I am rooting for one of you! Oh, hello Steve’s Cousin.

Steve’s Cousin: I still exist too.

The Scientist: The honey badger, you can’t-

Pissy Jenny: Oh my God you look like s*** but I still want a martini.

The Scientist: I wear a lot of hats.

Pissy Jenny: The place is a bar.

Steve’s Cousin: Weren’t you-

Pissy Jenny: Yes, Ursula chugged an entire bottle of Rumplemintz and attacked me here once, all the martinis!

As you can see with Pissy Jenny being racist and ordering all of the martinis, nonverbal consent is complicated and not always noticed. Also, Mary Sue and Steve said words. But what did they say, non-verbally?

Steve was flirting with his wife, but she failed to notice because the omnipotent narrator is purposely failing to intervene because omnipotent narrator wants to live, and also, life, hustle bustle, her thoughts- Mary Sue just isn’t in the moment.

Mary Sue: I wish I could be more in this moment, not that moment.

Steve: Yes, a bar stool just narrowly missed your head saving your life.

Mary Sue: LOL.

Steve: Scooching closer to you.

Mary Sue: I am doing the-

Boudica: Snarl!

Mary Sue: Ursula should demand a truce.

Steve: That seems like a good idea, leaning in.

Mary Sue: My face is reddening.

Steve: Mine too.

Mary Sue: I could just be very alarmed with the precarious situation we are in right now.

Or are you flirting, non-verbally back Mary Sue? Not every physical, non-verbal hint that seems consenting is actually, hold on, I’ll just-

Ursula: Grr?

Boudica: Snarl?

Present Boudica with a salmon and pretend to be friends. That’s better, now back to education.

Steve: You have a face that I am touching.

Mary Sue: Hrmphrmmph.

That’s right Mary Sue, you most likely would be responsive to more physical affection.

Mary Sue: Rmphm.

Pissy Jenny: I want to make out with your face Steve’s Cousin.

Steve’s Cousin: Gee, thanks all the martinis!

The Scientist: I couldn’t cut her off or be alarmed with the great speed and alacrity that she drank them because science.

And also, this. Just because someone consents or gives in to you, does that mean you should have sex with them? Find out next time in “People You Shouldn’t Have Sex With”.

Mary Sue: Prhmppphrpmh.

Pissy Jenny: Me am not racist still me thinks you b****.

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Sexual Harassment: Objectification

Hello, and welcome back to our educational series on sexual harassment. In our first installment we defined sexual harassment, and sexual harassment-ish, in this edition we will cover objectification. What is objectification, how do people do it why, when, & where is my sandwich, There, there’s my sandwich. Also, where, in what situations, do people objectify people?

Oh look, here’s a schmoked up honey badger drinking espresso with a screaming human sized canvas bag.

Steve: Hrmmph! Hrmmph!

Boudica: Snarl.

But that’s beside the point, sexual harassment and objectification go hand in hand. Objectification is the basis for sexual harassment. It’s when someone treats you as an object, doesn’t respect your agency and individuality, here is an example.

Pissy Jenny: Where is Steve?

As you can see, objectification happens every day, and is rampant in sexual and non-sexual situations.

Mary Sue: Gee Pissy Jenny, where is Steve?

Pissy Jenny: Honey Badgers do have a matriarchal power structure.

In fact you objectify people every day, how? Did you ever ask your parents for money, a small loan for a Pikachu toy at Kmart when you were a child, expect it, get it, and never pay them back?

Pissy Jenny: That’s extremely specific, I don’t think-

Did you assume that the shirtless svelte male track team that ran by the rec center just as you were leaving was hot? Expect service workers to perform services for you every day? Everyone does it! The sexual kind is the worst, and the shirtless svelte male track team was very hot!

Who thinks that shirtless svelte male track teams are hot, and acts on it, harassingly, very disrespectfully?  Not this person- but other mentally, disturbed people with disorders of the soul! When and wherever they think they can get away with it, because issues!

Issues which Include:


-Other Icky Personality Disorders

-Being a –Path

-Being Too Horny

-Being a Horny -Path

-Being Drunk

-Being a Drunk Horny -Path

-Being in Power

-Being a Drunk Horny –Path in Power

-Being a Jerk

-Being a Drunk Horny –Path in Power, who is a Jerk

-A Sense of Entitlement

-Being a Drunk Horny –Path in Power who is a Jerk with a Sense of Entitlement

-Not Being a Feminist

-Boo, Adjectives!

Adjectives that you do not want to be, and how can you not be these adjectives?

Boudica: Snarl?

Yes, even though he isn’t a feminist you have to let him go.

Boudica: Snarl?

He’s going to be made not adjectives and feminist.

Boudica: Snarl?

Yes, just in case this fails we have the baby.

Boudica: Snarl?

No, sadly it isn’t ugly.

Boudica: Snarl?

Steve has grandparents too.

The Scientist: Get away from Steve you-

Boudica: Snarl!!!

There you go, have fun with him!

Steve: Thank you for your heroic sacrifice for science!

Good thing he’s completely forgotten about his baby, now how can Steve not be adjectives and a feminist?

Steve: Gee Mary Sue, you have t*** but there’s so much more to you than that, as a person, I should ask you if I can touch them in the future.

Mary Sue: And also my butt.

Steve: Yes, you have that.

Pissy Jenny: Also generally keep it in your pants, not everyone wants it.

That’s right Mary Sue, also-

Pissy Jenny: Consent can also be implied.

Woah, slow down Pissy Jenny, we’re just learning that people aren’t objects. In fact here’s thos handy Venn diagram, made with science, explained by a scientist to… Lets not get crazy about learning how they work.

Pissy Jenny: Am I still racist?

I don’t know, are you? That will be covered in our next installment, Consent.

Mary Sue: I still think she’s racist.

Pissy Jenny: F****** why?

Steve: I’m not adjectives anymore!

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Sexual Harassment

The Basics

Mary Sue: Gee Pissy Jenny, you know what I just noticed?

Pissy Jenny: Was that a rhetorical question?

Mary Sue: No and you’re racist, both of us have boobs.

Pissy Jenny: And apparently mine are racist.

Mary Sue: Well you are white.

Steve: What’s that, who has white, racist boobs? I like boobs.

Mary Sue: Stop sexually harassing her even though she’s racist Steve.

Sexual Harassment, the taint of our society. Everyone is horny, painfully horny, feeling blue. And those balls won’t stay on the wall. Those hands won’t keep to themselves, the cats will call. But fortunately there’s a way to recognize the signs, and prevent, enlighten people on the onslaught to civility and decorum that is, sexual harassment.

Pissy Jenny: The bear is around here somewhere, isn’t, he, she, the it?

Steve: Wow Pissy Jenny, you are racist.

Signs, the world is full of them. Signs warn of danger, traffic, the truth, restaurants and hotels convenient to highway travels, whether or not photography is allowed, and also, where famous people were born and/or lived!

And what’s a big issue to Oprah, a famous person? Sexual harassment, that’s what. What exactly is sexual harassment, or sexual harassment-ish? Take this scenario for instance.

Mary Sue: Hello Steve.

Steve: Hello Mary Sue’s ta-tas that are down there, brrrg!

Mary Sue: Do I have to sleep with you if I want to keep my job?

Steve: Yes, and food you, a toxic pejorative relating to female sexuality.

Mary Sue: Like whore or slut?

Steve: Or a plethora of others, you are smart and have a vagina that intimidates me.

Mary Sue: America!

What was that? Blatant sexual harassment, however, sexual harassment will often be much less blatant and subtle.

Mary Sue: Good a time of day Steve.

Steve: A veiled micro-aggression aimed at your Vagina Mary Sue.

More subtle.

Mary Sue: Steve.

Steve: Woman!

Even more subtle

Mary Sue: St-

Steve: You can get pregnant and you’re not my mother or sister, you are fired.


Mary Sue: S-

Steve: What’s up t***? I’m possibly kidding, no I’m not, yes I am, no I’m, returns to the phallic shadows.

Close enough, there are also situations that aren’t or could possibly be sexual harassment.

Mary Sue: Oh, look it is my friend Steve.

Steve: Indeed, ‘tis I, and you have boobs.

Is this sexual harassment, or a truthful observation? It’s oddly placed and unsolicited, but true.

Mary Sue: Oh look dash.

Steve: Indeed, ‘tis I, and you have t***.

This also true, but the language and word choice is, and now it’s, oh look apparently Steve has skipped ahead.

Mary Sue: Steve is inspecting them.

Steve: Science, do you want to go out with me?

Mary Sue: No.

Steve: Now?

Mary Sue: Still no.

Steve: Stop playing hard to get.

Pissy Jenny: You two are married, don’t you, start skulking over here and I will shank you with feminism.

Steve: You whore, what does skulk mean?

Pissy Jenny: You have a c*** d***face.

Mary Sue: More science!

And speaking of science, here’s a scientist to help explain to you the signs of sexual harassment.

Scientist: Hello, as a scientist, and not racist, I am here to tell you the signs of sexual harassment. And here to help is Boudica the Feminist Honey Badger. How is my grandma Boudica?

Boudica: Snarl!

Scientist: Reparations, the first sign of sexual harassment is that it’s nonconsensual, unwanted. Did I want Boudica to dig up the remains of my deceased beloved grandmother to consume them, then just poop them out somewhere probably in my house later? No, in fact I told her not to but I was overpowered and wanted to live. Which is another sign of sexual harassment, a power imbalance.

And also, a pictures of me photoshopped onto this sashimi menu and not so veiled threats that I am next.  I am also powerless to report this, and/or would be punished for doing so.

Boudica: Snarl?

Scientist: Not grandpa!

Boudica: Snarl?

Scientist: Yes, I want to keep my job, I’ll go find the shovel.

Thank you, a scientist for explaining to us the signs of sexual harassment. What did we learn from the scientist?

  1. Never Trust a Honey Badger.
  2. Check the Honey Badger’s References.
  3. Do a Background Check on the Honey Badger.
  4. Don’t Tell the Honey Badger Where You Live.
  5. Don’t Pay the Honey Badger in Espresso and Schmosmaine.
  6. Honey Badger is a Language We All Should Learn.

What are Steve and Mary Sue’s t*** up to?

Mary Sue: I’m being objectified.

Steve: I also like your butt Mary Sue.

Pissy Jenny: This should bother me but I accidentally overheard something about a coked up Honey Badger.

Those rumors are wrong Pissy Jenny, there isn’t a, oh crap.

Steve: Ow, ow!

Mary Sue: Thank you goddess of feminism!

Pissy Jenny: Mary Sue could have been doing the same thing to you and it would still be sexual harassment Steve.

Steve: I’m reformed now!

Boudica: Snarl?

Pissy Jenny: Oh no, he’s certainly reformed now, I question nothing anymore.

Boudica: Snarl.

Pissy Jenny: Thank you that was a non-sexually harassing compliment.

Boudica: Snarl?

Pissy Jenny: No thank you, I don’t even do the espresso. Hahaha, we’re all, hahaha, laughing.

Steve: Ow, ow, ahhh!

Well that’s it for this edition of “Sexual Harassment” tune in next time when we discuss Objectification. Someone wants the bear back, who is that crying, can someone, who has the shovel?

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How not to Seduce an Introvert

Seduction, winning someone’s affections is an art, skill. It takes time, patience. No one falls in love with you overnight- someone can sleep with you overnight, but that probably won’t last. It most assuredly will not last if you do any of these things.

Be Heavy Handed

No one likes pressure, even pressure cookers don’t- you have to strap the lid down. People are not pressure cookers, don’t strap them down- literally or figuratively. Do not declare your undying love to them, and that they should really love your or else they don’t deserve love. If they don’t know you at all, or that well. Especially in public, that is just evil and manipulative.

They really can say no to you, and don’t have to feel the same way about you, because you’re creepy. Would Gaston have made a bad husband? Maybe not, but he was being very, he hired a band thinking Belle would say yes to him. Do not marry someone like that, also, bride kidnapping is bad.

Be Very, Very, Extremely, Very, Forward

Once again, pressure is not the way to someone’s heart. It’s actually the world’s biggest turn off. And disrespectful, inconsiderate, and a sign. If you have to pressure and force someone to love you, they don’t love you. And if you love them, let them go.

Or do the stuff mentioned in “How to Seduce an Introvert”, or anyone, really. Also, being extremely sexual and graphic about all the dreams, sexual or not that you have and will do to them is not recommended.

Do they want to do those things to you? Let them think, talk, live their own life, that they choose. Not the life you think they should be living, with you, forever and ever, dirty sex stuff, forever and ever, take notes Scorpios, forever and- unless it’s purely just sex, which never actually happens or ever works out, humans.

Crowd Them

Everyone needs personal space, and time, room and freedom to be themselves. It actually helps relationships, and makes them healthy. Being attached at the hip 24/7 doesn’t mean that you’re a happy couple. Live for yourself, not someone else.

Fall in Love with Them Immediately

That isn’t love, it feels like love, but it’s not. It’s obsession, possessiveness and probably excessive lust. That is not healthy, love on the other hand, can be, is normal. Love is accepting someone for who they are, learning and growing in life along with them, working issues out- not threatening them so they stay with you.

“Love” is far too often said, when you don’t really know someone, or know someone well enough to accept them no matter what, ride to die. Never say you love someone, unless you know it’s love and you really, seriously mean it.

Expect Them to Do the Same

Scientific fact, people not in love are saner than people who are. If they notice a dead body in boo boo poopskie-kins fuffer nutters basement, and inform the in love person, they won’t go along with, oh, it must have just gotten drunk and wandered in.

Introverts, people in general, are thinkers. They have deal breakers, won’t instantly commit to a lifetime with someone. Those outside the love, who might not support your relationship are extra super-duper thinkers, have unbiased points. There are reasons they have doubts that people in love are blind to, because they care.

When someone doesn’t fall in love with you, or love you, and tells you, they care too. They don’t want to start anything they’re not emotionally invested in or lead anyone on. “No” is not an insult, it’s, the truth, move on.

Make Demands

Once again, sanity, personal differences, pressure is bad. Demands don’t endear you to someone. Demands are not indicative of love, they indicate the opposite of love. Controlling someone also doesn’t endear you to them.

Such tactics drive people away, make them reinforce their individuality, cause issues. If you love someone you listen to them, their side, accept their thoughts and ideas. You can disagree, but there is compromising working things out.

When presented with my way or the highway, the car keys will be missing in short order.

“Fix” Them

“Fixing” someone isn’t “helping”, plus it’s impossible. No one ever changes to suit your needs 100%- you cannot control people. And the more you try to “fix” someone the more they rebel, or will eventually rebel, dramatically, drastically.

You can’t force change to happen, in a person, it has to happen on its own, with their consent. Just a side note though, if you want to change someone, see something wrong with them, that is not love.

Relationships are complicated, but they don’t have to be hard, forced. That’s not love. It’s best for everyone to move on, find better, more compatible love elsewhere.


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How to Seduce an Introvert

Introverts, they want love and attention too, to be loved. It’s a basic human need- it doesn’t mean consent has flown out the window though. Everyone needs personal space, time to be wooed. Following someone home and saying you can help bring them out of their shell, or showing up unsolicited, is not romantic. It’s creepy and why pepper spray was invented.

Are you romantically interested in an introvert, already romantically involved with one? Here are some tips to win their heart, soul, and mind- also part of their spleen, 1/8th of their funny bone, and all the fruit in their eyes!

What To Do                                                                                                          

Be Tactful

Do they even like you, as a person, are they giving you a signal to approach them, get to know them? The phrase winning someone over can be misleading, people aren’t prizes. And if someone says no that isn’t a challenge, playing coy, or a loss. People are people, not objects to be won and controlled. That is not a healthy attitude to have.

Be Tactfully Forward

Once you get to know your introvert, and they trust you, be honest. No one has 100% pure intentions going into a relationship. Even Jesus’s feet got a spa day out of one once. Honesty is the best policy, say that you like them and are attracted to them. Tell them how you feel.

Then let them respond, don’t pressure them, hear them out. Once again, saying no is an option. This is not an insult, it’s merciful, clarifying. It lets people move on, understand each other- helps them reorient. But saying yes is an option too, so is not exactly no, but kind of yes- give it time.

Give Them Space

Even if they feel the same way everyone needs space, and introverts need even more space. In a romantic relationship, or friendship. Not being all up in their business and on their case all the time is also endearing to them. Leaving them alone to think and process the situation is sexy to them.

It gives you a lot of brownie points with them. And cake points, and ice cream points, and macaron points, and French macaron points, croquet-en-bouche points, buche-de-noel points- lots and lots of sweet, sweet points.

Let Them Warm Up to You

Relationships take time, trust takes time. It’s a process that you can’t accelerate. Rushed relationships are never the best relationships. Telling a stranger, or mere acquaintance, that you know you’re going to get married someday is creepy.

There’s no need for grand gestures, shows of affection, just be yourself, let them be themselves, don’t lie or try to make yourself look better. Your introvert is, or potentially could be, in a relationship with you- not your Instagram page. Your bullshit doesn’t smell like roses.

Lower Your Expectations

Speaking of roses, they’re not always accepted, or wanted even. Seriously, they’re expensive and die. Learn how to calm down, not expect or demand as much. Introverts can be wonderfully giving and loving, but not as often or as much as others want them to be, and when.

And some just show up, which is a feat in itself for most other people, and it shows that they care. There won’t be grand gestures, making out in public, declarations of love, or even a relationship status update. Facebook already knows too much.

But everyone has their own way of caring, introverts are particularly good at listening to you, giving good advice, generally being available to be there for you, caring. Because they have experience not being listened to or particularly cared for.

They won’t shout “You matter to me (insert name here)!” over a megaphone, but they will show it. Which is what everyone wants out of a relationship- romantic or not.

Don’t Pressure Them

No, a third time, once again, is a possibility. Bribery, pressure, and threats don’t endear you to people. Which is why public proposals and spouse kidnapping are horrible. It is true that applying pressure can slow down bleeding, but not someone leaving you.

In fact, no one likes pressure, look up public proposal fails on Youtube. No one has to do anything nice, or declare anything for anyone. And it’s selfish to expect it back because you did it, it’s a choice. No one should be obligated to anyone like that.

Respect Your Differences

Your introvert won’t be lovey dovey, and look before they leap- or might not even leap at all. You might be the complete opposite, or just in some respects. Don’t expect the same on pain of heartbreak out of others. Everyone is different, expressed their feelings, romantic and non-romantic differently. You can’t change that.

Instead work with it, learn, get to know someone, be open. Similarities attract but opposites are interesting, can keep the spark alive.

Winning someone’s heart is never guaranteed. You don’t deserve it, no one deserves anyone, or is worthy of everyone. But if you follow these simple steps, you can be worthy and deserving of so many people- of which you will whittle down, pick one, but not in a pimp/The Bachelor sense. Just honestly, true to yourself, and respectfully.

Introvert or not, it’s a proven approach. Among many unproven approaches, which will be covered in Part Two, “How not to Seduce an Introvert”.

confidence, deep thoughts, feelings, How to, important questions, life, Life Advice, thoughts, Tips, Uncategorized


According to science, a percentage of people keep New Years Resolutions, and a percentage don’t. This percentage adds up to 100%, which is a lot. Do you want to be in the percentage that keeps their resolutions? Does a bear in a KGB hat secretly run Russia from the woods? Seriously, does a bear, we all want to know.

Make Sure it Matters To You

You could smoke less crack, but do you really want to smoke less crack? Do you enjoy smoking the amount of crack that you do now? Then you probably won’t smoke less crack. If your resolution really matters to you, you will keep it. If it doesn’t, Cracktown here your come.

Everyone needs to have a now or never, or else realization if they want to reach their goals.

Be Accountable

Being accountable is everything, you need someone you can’t lie to, someone who gives it to you straight and likes it straight. Your metaphorical Vladimir Putin, that will not out up with any of your crap, and thinks that whatever your crack is, is whack. And knows whether or not a bear in a KGB hat secretly runs Russia from the woods.


Do you want to stop smoking crack, do you have your metaphorical Vladimir Putin? Good, get ready for consequences. All actions have them, including inactions, inactions are technically actions metaphorically. You want to smoke less crack tomorrow? Your metaphorical Vladimir Putin will make sure you get on that smoking less crack right away and have tapes of you doing things in a hotel room.

Will Power

If you don’t want those tapes of you doing things in a hotel room to get out, you need willpower. It’s the opposite of fear. Anyone can have it, even if your name isn’t will, you can also be fired at if you’re not will. Look yourself in the mirror and say “No, I will not smoke less crack metaphorically, I will stop.” And not replace it with metaphorical some other vice.

No one wants those tapes getting out.

Be Motivated

Everyone needs support, not just willpower. Willpower can be a driving force, but that force can drive faster if you’re being chased by a pack of wolves, metaphorically, and a metaphorical cyborg metaphorical Putin.

Everyone needs a kick in the pants to metaphorically hand over the crack, and admit they could do better, be better, achieve, do, not just imagine or think. There’s a time to metaphorically literally, in a metaphorical sense, to be active, not passive.

Sadly, this isn’t your first response. What’s your first response, meta, literally, a lee? Inertia. Inertia is the enemy. Find someone or something to knock you out of it.

Resolutions can be hard to keep, some people don’t even make them- which can be a percentage of 100%, which is a number, that should be lower. But remember, whatever your goal is, there’s a metaphorical cyborg Vladimir Putin and a pack of wolves for everyone. Oh look a, it’s…it spotted me.