How to Argue, Part 3

Once upon a time, people didn’t know how to make fire. Until one day someone figured it out, people just shut up and listened, and everyone knew how to be warm, cook stuff, and purify water. Note that no one claimed that they had the idea first or fire was a gift from the gods so they should be thanked, and if you don’t, you’ll die and don’t deserve it, because, logic. And if no one agreed with them, racism.

But if someone did, that person was then offered to a Sabertooth tiger as a snack, hopefully.

Traps

This wasn’t the first trick or trap, in fact there are far too many, and we all know someone, or several people, who should be mauled by a Sabertooth tiger. There’s logical fallacies, false correlations, manipulation, outright bullying, peer pressure, so many things that trip you up and trick you into doubting yourself.

Logical Fallacies

Bad things do not happen because God hates you, God is far too busy to deal with your crap. Also, no country is objectively the greatest country on Earth, that’s extremely personal and relative. Although some far outrank others. And if you believe in spontaneous generation, don’t, the bug eggs are laid in the rotting meat by mommy and daddy bugs and that’s where babies come from.

Your brain is very lazy, it will take neurological shortcuts to simplify things, and see and insinuate patterns, or what it’s energetic enough to see. Which is why stereotypes, racism, and religion are things, also conspiracy theories.

Your brain is also biased, and you are biased, and can be wrong, along with your brain, also your memory is crap. But there is hope, once you take the blinders off and see your faults, you can overcome them.

Common Examples

Stats

Numbers and statistics are a reliable source of information, but none the less can be manipulated and abused. 90% of people like cake, 10% like pie, is a set of statistics, but if you only poll 10 people that’s not representative of a population. And if your sales are $1 it’s very easy for them to double in a year.

Numbers can also be over and under reported. Car travel is actually much more dangerous than air travel, but a fear of flying is more commonly reported than a fear of driving. Situations like this easily become “facts”, and “logical” assumptions.

Do you see any good examples of certain minorities on the news? Compare that to, yeah- racism. There’s also chauvinism, so many -isms inspired by “facts”. “Facts” that go onto support…

Survivor Bias

That would never happen to me, I would never do that, if I were you, are all things you have said or thought. These are examples of survivor bias. If you can do, or survive, so and so, why can’t someone else? You’re right and there’s something wrong with them.

Survivor bias is like throwing your shoes at someone else, demanding that they fit! But they don’t because everyone has different feet. Not only are your feelings not evidence, it’s also impossible to (metaphorically) rely on your experience, all the time. But if someone literally shoots you and drives off you should still call the police.

False-ness

-False Correlations

What do all pregnant teenagers have in common? They had sex? No, bad parenting, their parents weren’t there to monitor them 24/7 and close their legs. Which is impossible, but parenting is hard. And although parenting does involve sex, it doesn’t have anything to do with the products of your sex having sex, directly, hopefully.

Also, illness is not a curse from God, and not being good enough or to someone is an excuse for cheating. But cheating can directly be correlated with break ups, and never forgiving someone or seeing, respecting them ever again.

-False Authority

Speaking of parents, they are your parents. But there are limits to what you owe them, and they should respect you and be reasonably demanding. Just because someone is someone doesn’t mean you’re obligated to them, you have free will and choice.

This doesn’t mean you should exercise this all the time, but that’s how you learn what consequences are, and the authorities learn their limits, how people under them actually feel. And the Bible doesn’t have science in it.

Jesus

Jesus seems like a really great guy, it’s people who claim to know him that are the problem. Fake Clinics even give pregnant women, who want abortions for whatever reason, false information, that they claim is medical. Which is very dangerous and should be very illegal, no matter how you feel about abortion.

They are far from the only liars, generally delusional people though. Then there’s people who think that autism comes from vaccines, never give them a Bible.

Because they have enough feelings already. Not to say that religious texts are bad, but people tend to interpret them differently, pick and choose, plus they’re typically old, and can’t be applied in every situation.

The Bible says lots of things but noting about sexting. Or pants, they weren’t invented yet, and baked goods, besides bread. It’s probably not a sin to like brownies though, if it is you’re in a cult.

Targeting Weaknesses

Is any opponent’s go to strategy when they’re losing, rhetoric wise there are several insidious tactics.

-Sucking Up

Sucking Up is a classic. You might be right about some things, and suddenly be less wrong. But you need to understand, forgive, the other side. If not, the “But Yous” begin, and you “misunderstood”, or discrimination, oppression.  You’re the bad guy for not letting them be the good guy.

Then there’s just bullying, which quite often follows, and threats, slander. Essentially a hissy fit because you’re probably right and they don’t want to hear it, which often takes the form of peer pressure.

-Peer Pressure

The Asch Conformity Experiments are an example of this. Groups of people were presented with lines, and one was clearly longer, shorter, or different than the other. Everyone else, who were actors, had to agree that the lines were all the same. Anyone who protested eventually gave in to fall on line with the herd, be left alone, accepted.

This is used in arguing when people, especially your friends and family gang up on you to agree with them, and often ends up working. And when it doesn’t a narcissist gets punched in the balls by Jesus, maybe, someone does it, metaphorically.

-Lying

Then there’s just lying, purposeful or not. Purposeful lying is lying, stating false evidence, convincing people with not the truth. There’s also accidental lying, from someone’s purposeful or accidental influence.

People tend to say what other people want to hear, especially if they are in a weaker position. And do what other people want too. It’s why so many people have flags on their front porches in America, feel obligated to their religious or political views.

Saying what you think someone wants to hear is a huge problem on psychology, personality inventories, and rating systems. And hiring as well, people will say and do things to get a job. They’re hard to trust, people lie. Which is why reviews online preferably have written back up, evidence.

It’s also a problem with mentally ill people who lie on gun buying forms, to get guns. When they are not actually sane, despite their false answer. There’s also drugs, prescriptions, and underage drinking, but guns, seriously.

Lazy people who want to blend in, please others, and be left alone. It’s a trap, and far from the only one.

But how do you fight this? Learn how to fight the power in part 4.

How to Argue, Part Two

In any argument, hopefully it’s with another person, or yourself, or at least a cat. They make noises and have personalities. The wind does not count as an audience. The noises that people make, and their personalities are all different.

People also have different viewpoints, feelings which is why you can’t win them all. But there are some basic tips and tricks, that at least help you agree to disagree. But you still get to know your audience more when you don’t win, which is a win in itself.

Tone, Voice Level

Being loud and condescending is a turn off for everyone. On the other hand, being overly humble and quiet doesn’t work either. How are you talking, communicating your point? What words are you using, how are you saying them?

When people don’t like what they see or hear, they will move on- and not think of you very highly.

Listening

Not listening is another universal turn off, it indicates and often accompanies a poor attitude. That is not humble, or lets everyone speak and be heard. This obviously isn’t fair, and negates why people communicate with each other in the first place.

Why People Talk, Argue

You’re in this situation for a reason, don’t forget that. Someone started it, and has to take the heat or get out of the kitchen. Arguing isn’t always personal. People can just be wrong, ill-informed to their detriment.

Arguing, which doesn’t mean yelling, is helpful, useful. It resolves issues, helps people connect and really see, maybe even get each other.

To reach this point though, you need to know your audience and basically not be a dick. You also have to be strategic, what does your audience like, what will sway them?

Some topics and people are emotionally driven, i.e., “Childless couples are selfish”, others are logical, “Childless couples use birth control”, or a bit of both. A childless couple, or person who doesn’t like children is selfish or other bad adjective, hate them!

But when one considers the logistics of children, science, and the emotional factors, burden of raising children- they might not be for everyone for any reason. Or some people are just (possibly horrible) people who shouldn’t reproduce, or at least now.

And not having something doesn’t mean you hate it, or because you have it, doesn’t mean you like it. Everyone doesn’t have a car, do they hate cars and love riding the bus? No- and logical, true conclusions like this, are reached by arguing. And not assuming and generalizing, or acknowledging your feelings.

When done correctly- not being overly emotional, mentioning scripture, and relying on evidence, while using your manners eyes are opened, ceilings of all materials shattered, property lines determined.

So the next time you hear someone try to call down Jesus into court over a traffic ticket, run, after the person not doing that and staying on topic wins, and remind yourself that you’re not crazy.

How to Argue

Politics, religion, race, Facebook, the news- what isn’t there to argue about? The thing is, is it done well, are some arguments even arguments, structurally? The answer to both most of the time is, hopefully yes.

Arguments

What is an argument? Technically it is a conversation, written or verbal that revolves around how right or wrong one side, or an issue is. One or more people can have them. They are used to communicate and educate, build bridges when done well, or resolve the issue.

There are serious arguments, not so serious arguments, emotional arguments, logical arguments, logistical arguments- even animals have them, most predominantly cats and dogs.

 Not Arguments

What makes something not an argument? Usually when one side is obviously, factually incorrect, or you just start screaming at each other because feelings- forgetting whatever points you had.

For example, when you argue about illegal immigrants from Pluto, and then someone has to explain science to you- most likely getting very frustrated.

Being civil, listening, and getting over your biases make an argument. Screaming and relying on your feelings, and only your experiences, or something you read on Facebook, doesn’t. Manners and intelligence maketh the argument.

Manners

There is an unwritten etiquette to arguing, everyone deserves a chance to speak, and entertain other notions that aren’t their own. Like maybe Pluto is a freezing hell on the fringes of the solar System that is incapable of hosting intelligent life.

You also must consider others, their experiences, viewpoints. Not only to win, but to also reach amicable solutions. Because even Jesus isn’t the sun, the world revolves around no one. Also, refrain from shouting and resorting to bullying, or force of numbers, sheer passion!

That’s how Gileads are made, do not make a Gilead.

How to

Arguments are a simple concept with universal basics- at least one person, at least two viewpoints, and actual points, plus a means of communicating them.

The Classics

If you made it to high school, or a really nice middle school, you know the foundations of presenting your case. Rhetoric is its own field of study, paired with composition it counts as a major. It is based on four simple concepts:

Ethos

What kind of people are you trying to convince, who’s your audience? Do they have any cultural beliefs, conventions you have to consider? When arguing about Illegal Immigrants from Pluto, a Scientist will remind you Pluto is not a planet, while your therapist might give you Lithium based medication.

 Logos

What is the scientific, logical base of your argument, where’s your evidence? To try a murder in most states, you need a body, or at least a motive and a weapon. Without evidence, you have no argument, or anything to argue about.

Pathos

Feelings, people have them. You also need to appeal to them. You couldn’t convince the Pope that Planned Parenthood isn’t that bad based on the money it saves government assistance over 18 years. The Pope, and people who love babies don’t care about that.

It is also the wrong audience, although perfectly good evidence.

Kairos

Timing is everything, a perfectly timed moment, opportunistic strike has convinced masses, and will continue to do so. Germany didn’t invade Poland just because in the midst of renewed vigor and nationalist fervor. No, Poland totally “attacked” Germany and because German greatness Germany fought back, and won.

This was a lie, but the Nazis knew when and where to strike. Archduke Ferdinand’s assassin also had perfect timing. And isn’t a war a long, drawn out, costly in life and resources argument?

Without any of these, you have no case. And will lose if you fake having one. People act stupid sometimes but aren’t that stupid. Unless they watch Fox News, but that gets into biases. Which will be covered in part two, they’re great for convincing niche audiences.

People You Shouldn’t Have Sex With

Welcome to the last installment of our educational series on sexual harassment, in our last installment we learned how to discern consent.

Mary Sue: I bleep, bleep, bleep, on your, bleep, all up in your bleep, bleeping, all night long bleep!

We also learned about non-verbal consent.

Mary Sue: Hrmphhrmph.

Steve: You can’t describe in words how much you want my bleep…oh, my hand is-

Mary Sue: Hrmph!

But just because you have established consent, should you have sex with that person?

Boudica: Snarl?

Well it’s a question for humans Boudica, it’s also a question for bears, isn’t that right Ursula?

Ursula: Grrr.

Steve’s Cousin: They’re friends now.

Speaking of friends Steve’s Cousin, Pissy Jenny drank all the martinis, became a lot less pissy, and is now interested in your bleep.

Pissy Jenny: That’s right bleep.

Steve’s Cousin: We’ve said bleep too many times, haven’t we?

One Million Moms can’t be wrong Steve’s Cousin, so anyway your penis, would you like to place it inside a hole?

Steve’s Cousin: Boy, do I!

Whose hole?

Steve’s Cousin: One of Pissy Jenny’s!

Well, too bad you can’t, you rapist! You see, Pissy Jenny is very inebriated.

Pissy Jenny: I am very inebriated.

If you stuck your penis in one of her holes now, you’d be taking advantage of her, plus it probably won’t feel as good.

Steve’s Cousin: Gee, I never thought about that because alcohol.

That’s right Steve’s Cousin, use your head and remember to not use your head, in this instance, and there she-

Pissy Jenny: The floor hurts.

Still no Steve’s Cousin.

Steve’s Cousin: Ahhh, just for future reference who else shouldn’t I have sex with?

What an excellent, non-coerced question Steve’s Cousin, generally you should not have sex with the following people.

-Married People

-In a Relationship People

-People under the age of 18

-Children

-The Sick & Infirm

-Crazy People

-People Who aren’t in Their Right Mind

-People Who Will Trick, Manipulate You

-People in Power Over You

-People You Have Power Over

-People You Kidnapped or Brainwashed

-People You had to Drug

-Animals

Steve’s Cousin: Gee, that’s a long list of people that my penis can’t have fun with.

Don’t despair Steve’s Cousin, just because you can’t have sex with those people, doesn’t mean there’s no one to have sex with, isn’t that right Mary Sue?

Mary Sue: Yes, I’m here too.

Steve: And she is my wife you horny bastard.

Steve’s Cousin: I’m still awfully depressed though, if only, oh s***, wolves!

Relax, the Scientist is on his break and the pack of wolves found his bloodied lab coat. They’re here with questions you should ask yourself before potentially copulating with another.

Wolf 1: Growl.

Wolf 2: Growl?

Wolf 3: Growl!

Wolf 1: Growl-

Wolf 2: Growl?

Wolf 3: Growl.

Wolf 1: Growl

Wolf 2: Growl.

If you don’t speak wolf, this friendly, helpful- and knowledgeable, pack of wolves have raised some excellent points. Do you trust this person, are you protected, what ramifications will there be? What is your relationship status, will it be awkward, potentially want to be in a relationship with this person?

Why do you want to have sex with this person, how and where, do you have feelings for them, or vice versa? It’s impossible to just have sex with someone and not face these issues.

Steve’s Cousin: Those are important, necessary questions.

Pissy Jenny: I’m fine now, no wait- the floor still hurts.

Steve’s Cousin: It was really nice of you to offer your holes to me Pissy Jenny, but upon further consideration I think I’ll pass.

Wolf 1: Growl

Wolf 2: Growl.

Wolf 3: Growl?

Steve: Holy crap they’re clapping.

And also admire your maturity and foresight Steve’s Cousin. Well that does it for this installment of our educational series “Sexual Harassment”. We hope you learned a lot, and to be a good citizen, neighbor, coworker, other proper nouns, to the gender that you’re attracted to. See you in our next fun, informative, educational series.

Steve’s Cousin: I don’t think you’re racist Pissy Jenny.

Pissy Jenny: I’m bleeding.

Mary Sue: Racistly!

 

Sexual Harassment: Consent

Hello, and welcome back to our educational series on the current bane of our society- sexual harassment. In our last installment Steve learned to ask if he could grope someone first on pain of having his now sensitive genitals attacked by a schmoked up Feminist Honey Badger, again.

Pissy Jenny: We also learned that I’m not racist

Slow down Pissy Jenny, we haven’t quite figured that out yet, consent, interrogative words consent? There are two main ways people consent- verbally and nonverbally. Here’s a verbal example.

Mary Sue: Did you notice that I also have beautiful eyes Steve?

Boudica: Snarl…..

Steve: Feminism.

Here’s a nonverbal example.

Boudica: Snarl…

Steve: Oh look how comfortable you are with me, not saying no, trusting me, and knowing me for a while.

Pissy Jenny: Yeah, I know right.

Mary Sue: Mental agreement!

Boudica: Snarl.

Pissy Jenny: Oxymorons save lives.

There are many ways to verbally consent to intercourse or attention that may lead to intercourse, here are some not- drunk examples.

–Steve: I like you Mary Sue.

Mary Sue: As do I, we should make out.

–Mary Sue: I think that you are handsome and sexy.

Steve: My penis is ready.

–Steve: Hey, do you want to have sex?

Mary Sue: My vagina is ready.

–Steve: I think that we should have sex.

Mary Sue: My vagina and limbic system would probably like and enjoy that.

–Mary Sue: Gee Steve, it’s been awhile since I’ve been to Pound Town, could you assist me with getting there?

Steve: How fast and smooth or roughly do you want to get there? Here’s a form.

 

Here are some drunk examples.

–Steve: I think that you’re hot and have a penis Steve’s Cousin.

Mary Sue: This is true.

–Steve Cousin: What a lovely vagina you must have.

Mary Sue: That’s right bitch.

–Steve: Do you like my t***?

Mary Sue: I want to go brpph in them.

–Steve: I want to expletive things to you because we’ve used t**** a lot already.

Mary Sue: That’s right bitch.

–Mary Sue: I want to sloppily make out with your face and ride you like a horse.

Steve: Neigh.

 

Here are “I’m so horny I can’t think straight” examples.

–Mary Sue: I’m so horny I can’t think straight.

Steve: Maybe my penis can help not make you a lesbian.

Pissy Jenny: Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

–Steve: Your, expletive is distracting me you ravishing sexy woman.

Mary Sue: The right one or the, oh right, poop!

–Mary Sue: I need to get pounded hard all night long with your penis Steve.

Steve: That can be arranged.

–Steve: Do you require penis you metaphorically dirty girl?

Mary Sue: Yes, but there is still nothing wrong with being a Lesbian and I am not racist.

–Steve: Fun fact, I have an erection.

Mary Sue: Oh my, that must be distracting.

You may be asking yourself, gee, what quality verbal examples, but what about nonverbal examples and shouldn’t they take place in a place?

Mary Sue: Holy crap Pissy Jenny, we are in a place!

Pissy Jenny: You should try that entire shelf of liquor and see what happens Boudica.

Ursula: Grr!

Mary Sue: You’re back from your tropical vacation with the pack of wolves!

Ursula: Grr?

Pissy Jenny: It’s okay, you’re transgender, everyone has to like you.

Boudica; Snarl!

Mary Sue: This is just like Vanderpump Rules Yay!

Gee, I wonder what those pack of wolves from our mandatory or else educational series “How to be a Woman” series are doing?

Wolf 1: Growl.

Wolf 2: Growl!

Wolf 3: Growl.

Who doesn’t love looking at pictures of yourself in them on a vacation you, yourself, went on? Not wolves apparently, uh oh it looks like someone had a few too many drinks by their suddenly private pool. Lets check back in at the place.

Boudica: Snarl!

Usrula: Grr!

Mary Sue: S*** is going down!

Steve: I know, it’s hard to flirt with you over the sound of a Transgendered Cross Dressing Bear and Schmoked up Feminist Honey Badger fighting to the death.

Mary Sue: You were flirting with me? A Transgendered Cross Dressing Bear and a Schmoked up Feminist Honey Badger are fighting each other to the death.

Pissy Jenny: I am rooting for one of you! Oh, hello Steve’s Cousin.

Steve’s Cousin: I still exist too.

The Scientist: The honey badger, you can’t-

Pissy Jenny: Oh my God you look like s*** but I still want a martini.

The Scientist: I wear a lot of hats.

Pissy Jenny: The place is a bar.

Steve’s Cousin: Weren’t you-

Pissy Jenny: Yes, Ursula chugged an entire bottle of Rumplemintz and attacked me here once, all the martinis!

As you can see with Pissy Jenny being racist and ordering all of the martinis, nonverbal consent is complicated and not always noticed. Also, Mary Sue and Steve said words. But what did they say, non-verbally?

Steve was flirting with his wife, but she failed to notice because the omnipotent narrator is purposely failing to intervene because omnipotent narrator wants to live, and also, life, hustle bustle, her thoughts- Mary Sue just isn’t in the moment.

Mary Sue: I wish I could be more in this moment, not that moment.

Steve: Yes, a bar stool just narrowly missed your head saving your life.

Mary Sue: LOL.

Steve: Scooching closer to you.

Mary Sue: I am doing the-

Boudica: Snarl!

Mary Sue: Ursula should demand a truce.

Steve: That seems like a good idea, leaning in.

Mary Sue: My face is reddening.

Steve: Mine too.

Mary Sue: I could just be very alarmed with the precarious situation we are in right now.

Or are you flirting, non-verbally back Mary Sue? Not every physical, non-verbal hint that seems consenting is actually, hold on, I’ll just-

Ursula: Grr?

Boudica: Snarl?

Present Boudica with a salmon and pretend to be friends. That’s better, now back to education.

Steve: You have a face that I am touching.

Mary Sue: Hrmphrmmph.

That’s right Mary Sue, you most likely would be responsive to more physical affection.

Mary Sue: Rmphm.

Pissy Jenny: I want to make out with your face Steve’s Cousin.

Steve’s Cousin: Gee, thanks all the martinis!

The Scientist: I couldn’t cut her off or be alarmed with the great speed and alacrity that she drank them because science.

And also, this. Just because someone consents or gives in to you, does that mean you should have sex with them? Find out next time in “People You Shouldn’t Have Sex With”.

Mary Sue: Prhmppphrpmh.

Pissy Jenny: Me am not racist still me thinks you b****.

Sexual Harassment: Objectification

Hello, and welcome back to our educational series on sexual harassment. In our first installment we defined sexual harassment, and sexual harassment-ish, in this edition we will cover objectification. What is objectification, how do people do it why, when, & where is my sandwich, There, there’s my sandwich. Also, where, in what situations, do people objectify people?

Oh look, here’s a schmoked up honey badger drinking espresso with a screaming human sized canvas bag.

Steve: Hrmmph! Hrmmph!

Boudica: Snarl.

But that’s beside the point, sexual harassment and objectification go hand in hand. Objectification is the basis for sexual harassment. It’s when someone treats you as an object, doesn’t respect your agency and individuality, here is an example.

Pissy Jenny: Where is Steve?

As you can see, objectification happens every day, and is rampant in sexual and non-sexual situations.

Mary Sue: Gee Pissy Jenny, where is Steve?

Pissy Jenny: Honey Badgers do have a matriarchal power structure.

In fact you objectify people every day, how? Did you ever ask your parents for money, a small loan for a Pikachu toy at Kmart when you were a child, expect it, get it, and never pay them back?

Pissy Jenny: That’s extremely specific, I don’t think-

Did you assume that the shirtless svelte male track team that ran by the rec center just as you were leaving was hot? Expect service workers to perform services for you every day? Everyone does it! The sexual kind is the worst, and the shirtless svelte male track team was very hot!

Who thinks that shirtless svelte male track teams are hot, and acts on it, harassingly, very disrespectfully?  Not this person- but other mentally, disturbed people with disorders of the soul! When and wherever they think they can get away with it, because issues!

Issues which Include:

-Narcissism

-Other Icky Personality Disorders

-Being a –Path

-Being Too Horny

-Being a Horny -Path

-Being Drunk

-Being a Drunk Horny -Path

-Being in Power

-Being a Drunk Horny –Path in Power

-Being a Jerk

-Being a Drunk Horny –Path in Power, who is a Jerk

-A Sense of Entitlement

-Being a Drunk Horny –Path in Power who is a Jerk with a Sense of Entitlement

-Not Being a Feminist

-Boo, Adjectives!

Adjectives that you do not want to be, and how can you not be these adjectives?

Boudica: Snarl?

Yes, even though he isn’t a feminist you have to let him go.

Boudica: Snarl?

He’s going to be made not adjectives and feminist.

Boudica: Snarl?

Yes, just in case this fails we have the baby.

Boudica: Snarl?

No, sadly it isn’t ugly.

Boudica: Snarl?

Steve has grandparents too.

The Scientist: Get away from Steve you-

Boudica: Snarl!!!

There you go, have fun with him!

Steve: Thank you for your heroic sacrifice for science!

Good thing he’s completely forgotten about his baby, now how can Steve not be adjectives and a feminist?

Steve: Gee Mary Sue, you have t*** but there’s so much more to you than that, as a person, I should ask you if I can touch them in the future.

Mary Sue: And also my butt.

Steve: Yes, you have that.

Pissy Jenny: Also generally keep it in your pants, not everyone wants it.

That’s right Mary Sue, also-

Pissy Jenny: Consent can also be implied.

Woah, slow down Pissy Jenny, we’re just learning that people aren’t objects. In fact here’s thos handy Venn diagram, made with science, explained by a scientist to… Lets not get crazy about learning how they work.

Pissy Jenny: Am I still racist?

I don’t know, are you? That will be covered in our next installment, Consent.

Mary Sue: I still think she’s racist.

Pissy Jenny: F****** why?

Steve: I’m not adjectives anymore!

Sexual Harassment

The Basics

Mary Sue: Gee Pissy Jenny, you know what I just noticed?

Pissy Jenny: Was that a rhetorical question?

Mary Sue: No and you’re racist, both of us have boobs.

Pissy Jenny: And apparently mine are racist.

Mary Sue: Well you are white.

Steve: What’s that, who has white, racist boobs? I like boobs.

Mary Sue: Stop sexually harassing her even though she’s racist Steve.

Sexual Harassment, the taint of our society. Everyone is horny, painfully horny, feeling blue. And those balls won’t stay on the wall. Those hands won’t keep to themselves, the cats will call. But fortunately there’s a way to recognize the signs, and prevent, enlighten people on the onslaught to civility and decorum that is, sexual harassment.

Pissy Jenny: The bear is around here somewhere, isn’t, he, she, the it?

Steve: Wow Pissy Jenny, you are racist.

Signs, the world is full of them. Signs warn of danger, traffic, the truth, restaurants and hotels convenient to highway travels, whether or not photography is allowed, and also, where famous people were born and/or lived!

And what’s a big issue to Oprah, a famous person? Sexual harassment, that’s what. What exactly is sexual harassment, or sexual harassment-ish? Take this scenario for instance.

Mary Sue: Hello Steve.

Steve: Hello Mary Sue’s ta-tas that are down there, brrrg!

Mary Sue: Do I have to sleep with you if I want to keep my job?

Steve: Yes, and food you, a toxic pejorative relating to female sexuality.

Mary Sue: Like whore or slut?

Steve: Or a plethora of others, you are smart and have a vagina that intimidates me.

Mary Sue: America!

What was that? Blatant sexual harassment, however, sexual harassment will often be much less blatant and subtle.

Mary Sue: Good a time of day Steve.

Steve: A veiled micro-aggression aimed at your Vagina Mary Sue.

More subtle.

Mary Sue: Steve.

Steve: Woman!

Even more subtle

Mary Sue: St-

Steve: You can get pregnant and you’re not my mother or sister, you are fired.

Subtle.

Mary Sue: S-

Steve: What’s up t***? I’m possibly kidding, no I’m not, yes I am, no I’m, returns to the phallic shadows.

Close enough, there are also situations that aren’t or could possibly be sexual harassment.

Mary Sue: Oh, look it is my friend Steve.

Steve: Indeed, ‘tis I, and you have boobs.

Is this sexual harassment, or a truthful observation? It’s oddly placed and unsolicited, but true.

Mary Sue: Oh look dash.

Steve: Indeed, ‘tis I, and you have t***.

This also true, but the language and word choice is, and now it’s, oh look apparently Steve has skipped ahead.

Mary Sue: Steve is inspecting them.

Steve: Science, do you want to go out with me?

Mary Sue: No.

Steve: Now?

Mary Sue: Still no.

Steve: Stop playing hard to get.

Pissy Jenny: You two are married, don’t you, start skulking over here and I will shank you with feminism.

Steve: You whore, what does skulk mean?

Pissy Jenny: You have a c*** d***face.

Mary Sue: More science!

And speaking of science, here’s a scientist to help explain to you the signs of sexual harassment.

Scientist: Hello, as a scientist, and not racist, I am here to tell you the signs of sexual harassment. And here to help is Boudica the Feminist Honey Badger. How is my grandma Boudica?

Boudica: Snarl!

Scientist: Reparations, the first sign of sexual harassment is that it’s nonconsensual, unwanted. Did I want Boudica to dig up the remains of my deceased beloved grandmother to consume them, then just poop them out somewhere probably in my house later? No, in fact I told her not to but I was overpowered and wanted to live. Which is another sign of sexual harassment, a power imbalance.

And also, a pictures of me photoshopped onto this sashimi menu and not so veiled threats that I am next.  I am also powerless to report this, and/or would be punished for doing so.

Boudica: Snarl?

Scientist: Not grandpa!

Boudica: Snarl?

Scientist: Yes, I want to keep my job, I’ll go find the shovel.

Thank you, a scientist for explaining to us the signs of sexual harassment. What did we learn from the scientist?

1. Never Trust a Honey Badger.
2. Check the Honey Badger’s References.
3. Do a Background Check on the Honey Badger.
4. Don’t Tell the Honey Badger Where You Live.
5. Don’t Pay the Honey Badger in Espresso and Schmosmaine.
6. Honey Badger is a Language We All Should Learn.

What are Steve and Mary Sue’s t*** up to?

Mary Sue: I’m being objectified.

Steve: I also like your butt Mary Sue.

Pissy Jenny: This should bother me but I accidentally overheard something about a coked up Honey Badger.

Those rumors are wrong Pissy Jenny, there isn’t a, oh crap.

Steve: Ow, ow!

Mary Sue: Thank you goddess of feminism!

Pissy Jenny: Mary Sue could have been doing the same thing to you and it would still be sexual harassment Steve.

Steve: I’m reformed now!

Boudica: Snarl?

Pissy Jenny: Oh no, he’s certainly reformed now, I question nothing anymore.

Boudica: Snarl.

Pissy Jenny: Thank you that was a non-sexually harassing compliment.

Boudica: Snarl?

Pissy Jenny: No thank you, I don’t even do the espresso. Hahaha, we’re all, hahaha, laughing.

Steve: Ow, ow, ahhh!

Well that’s it for this edition of “Sexual Harassment” tune in next time when we discuss Objectification. Someone wants the bear back, who is that crying, can someone, who has the shovel?

How not to Seduce an Introvert

Seduction, winning someone’s affections is an art, skill. It takes time, patience. No one falls in love with you overnight- someone can sleep with you overnight, but that probably won’t last. It most assuredly will not last if you do any of these things.

Be Heavy Handed

No one likes pressure, even pressure cookers don’t- you have to strap the lid down. People are not pressure cookers, don’t strap them down- literally or figuratively. Do not declare your undying love to them, and that they should really love your or else they don’t deserve love. If they don’t know you at all, or that well. Especially in public, that is just evil and manipulative.

They really can say no to you, and don’t have to feel the same way about you, because you’re creepy. Would Gaston have made a bad husband? Maybe not, but he was being very, he hired a band thinking Belle would say yes to him. Do not marry someone like that, also, bride kidnapping is bad.

Be Very, Very, Extremely, Very, Forward

Once again, pressure is not the way to someone’s heart. It’s actually the world’s biggest turn off. And disrespectful, inconsiderate, and a sign. If you have to pressure and force someone to love you, they don’t love you. And if you love them, let them go.

Or do the stuff mentioned in “How to Seduce an Introvert”, or anyone, really. Also, being extremely sexual and graphic about all the dreams, sexual or not that you have and will do to them is not recommended.

Do they want to do those things to you? Let them think, talk, live their own life, that they choose. Not the life you think they should be living, with you, forever and ever, dirty sex stuff, forever and ever, take notes Scorpios, forever and- unless it’s purely just sex, which never actually happens or ever works out, humans.

Crowd Them

Everyone needs personal space, and time, room and freedom to be themselves. It actually helps relationships, and makes them healthy. Being attached at the hip 24/7 doesn’t mean that you’re a happy couple. Live for yourself, not someone else.

Fall in Love with Them Immediately

That isn’t love, it feels like love, but it’s not. It’s obsession, possessiveness and probably excessive lust. That is not healthy, love on the other hand, can be, is normal. Love is accepting someone for who they are, learning and growing in life along with them, working issues out- not threatening them so they stay with you.

“Love” is far too often said, when you don’t really know someone, or know someone well enough to accept them no matter what, ride to die. Never say you love someone, unless you know it’s love and you really, seriously mean it.

Expect Them to Do the Same

Scientific fact, people not in love are saner than people who are. If they notice a dead body in boo boo poopskie-kins fuffer nutters basement, and inform the in love person, they won’t go along with, oh, it must have just gotten drunk and wandered in.

Introverts, people in general, are thinkers. They have deal breakers, won’t instantly commit to a lifetime with someone. Those outside the love, who might not support your relationship are extra super-duper thinkers, have unbiased points. There are reasons they have doubts that people in love are blind to, because they care.

When someone doesn’t fall in love with you, or love you, and tells you, they care too. They don’t want to start anything they’re not emotionally invested in or lead anyone on. “No” is not an insult, it’s, the truth, move on.

Make Demands

Once again, sanity, personal differences, pressure is bad. Demands don’t endear you to someone. Demands are not indicative of love, they indicate the opposite of love. Controlling someone also doesn’t endear you to them.

Such tactics drive people away, make them reinforce their individuality, cause issues. If you love someone you listen to them, their side, accept their thoughts and ideas. You can disagree, but there is compromising working things out.

When presented with my way or the highway, the car keys will be missing in short order.

“Fix” Them

“Fixing” someone isn’t “helping”, plus it’s impossible. No one ever changes to suit your needs 100%- you cannot control people. And the more you try to “fix” someone the more they rebel, or will eventually rebel, dramatically, drastically.

You can’t force change to happen, in a person, it has to happen on its own, with their consent. Just a side note though, if you want to change someone, see something wrong with them, that is not love.

Relationships are complicated, but they don’t have to be hard, forced. That’s not love. It’s best for everyone to move on, find better, more compatible love elsewhere.

 

How to Seduce an Introvert

Introverts, they want love and attention too, to be loved. It’s a basic human need- it doesn’t mean consent has flown out the window though. Everyone needs personal space, time to be wooed. Following someone home and saying you can help bring them out of their shell, or showing up unsolicited, is not romantic. It’s creepy and why pepper spray was invented.

Are you romantically interested in an introvert, already romantically involved with one? Here are some tips to win their heart, soul, and mind- also part of their spleen, 1/8^th of their funny bone, and all the fruit in their eyes!

What To Do                                                                                                          

Be Tactful

Do they even like you, as a person, are they giving you a signal to approach them, get to know them? The phrase winning someone over can be misleading, people aren’t prizes. And if someone says no that isn’t a challenge, playing coy, or a loss. People are people, not objects to be won and controlled. That is not a healthy attitude to have.

Be Tactfully Forward

Once you get to know your introvert, and they trust you, be honest. No one has 100% pure intentions going into a relationship. Even Jesus’s feet got a spa day out of one once. Honesty is the best policy, say that you like them and are attracted to them. Tell them how you feel.

Then let them respond, don’t pressure them, hear them out. Once again, saying no is an option. This is not an insult, it’s merciful, clarifying. It lets people move on, understand each other- helps them reorient. But saying yes is an option too, so is not exactly no, but kind of yes- give it time.

Give Them Space

Even if they feel the same way everyone needs space, and introverts need even more space. In a romantic relationship, or friendship. Not being all up in their business and on their case all the time is also endearing to them. Leaving them alone to think and process the situation is sexy to them.

It gives you a lot of brownie points with them. And cake points, and ice cream points, and macaron points, and French macaron points, croquet-en-bouche points, buche-de-noel points- lots and lots of sweet, sweet points.

Let Them Warm Up to You

Relationships take time, trust takes time. It’s a process that you can’t accelerate. Rushed relationships are never the best relationships. Telling a stranger, or mere acquaintance, that you know you’re going to get married someday is creepy.

There’s no need for grand gestures, shows of affection, just be yourself, let them be themselves, don’t lie or try to make yourself look better. Your introvert is, or potentially could be, in a relationship with you- not your Instagram page. Your bullshit doesn’t smell like roses.

Lower Your Expectations

Speaking of roses, they’re not always accepted, or wanted even. Seriously, they’re expensive and die. Learn how to calm down, not expect or demand as much. Introverts can be wonderfully giving and loving, but not as often or as much as others want them to be, and when.

And some just show up, which is a feat in itself for most other people, and it shows that they care. There won’t be grand gestures, making out in public, declarations of love, or even a relationship status update. Facebook already knows too much.

But everyone has their own way of caring, introverts are particularly good at listening to you, giving good advice, generally being available to be there for you, caring. Because they have experience not being listened to or particularly cared for.

They won’t shout “You matter to me (insert name here)!” over a megaphone, but they will show it. Which is what everyone wants out of a relationship- romantic or not.

Don’t Pressure Them

No, a third time, once again, is a possibility. Bribery, pressure, and threats don’t endear you to people. Which is why public proposals and spouse kidnapping are horrible. It is true that applying pressure can slow down bleeding, but not someone leaving you.

In fact, no one likes pressure, look up public proposal fails on Youtube. No one has to do anything nice, or declare anything for anyone. And it’s selfish to expect it back because you did it, it’s a choice. No one should be obligated to anyone like that.

Respect Your Differences

Your introvert won’t be lovey dovey, and look before they leap- or might not even leap at all. You might be the complete opposite, or just in some respects. Don’t expect the same on pain of heartbreak out of others. Everyone is different, expressed their feelings, romantic and non-romantic differently. You can’t change that.

Instead work with it, learn, get to know someone, be open. Similarities attract but opposites are interesting, can keep the spark alive.

Winning someone’s heart is never guaranteed. You don’t deserve it, no one deserves anyone, or is worthy of everyone. But if you follow these simple steps, you can be worthy and deserving of so many people- of which you will whittle down, pick one, but not in a pimp/The Bachelor sense. Just honestly, true to yourself, and respectfully.

Introvert or not, it’s a proven approach. Among many unproven approaches, which will be covered in Part Two, “How not to Seduce an Introvert”.

Resolutions

According to science, a percentage of people keep New Years Resolutions, and a percentage don’t. This percentage adds up to 100%, which is a lot. Do you want to be in the percentage that keeps their resolutions? Does a bear in a KGB hat secretly run Russia from the woods? Seriously, does a bear, we all want to know.

Make Sure it Matters To You

You could smoke less crack, but do you really want to smoke less crack? Do you enjoy smoking the amount of crack that you do now? Then you probably won’t smoke less crack. If your resolution really matters to you, you will keep it. If it doesn’t, Cracktown here your come.

Everyone needs to have a now or never, or else realization if they want to reach their goals.

Be Accountable

Being accountable is everything, you need someone you can’t lie to, someone who gives it to you straight and likes it straight. Your metaphorical Vladimir Putin, that will not out up with any of your crap, and thinks that whatever your crack is, is whack. And knows whether or not a bear in a KGB hat secretly runs Russia from the woods.

Consequences

Do you want to stop smoking crack, do you have your metaphorical Vladimir Putin? Good, get ready for consequences. All actions have them, including inactions, inactions are technically actions metaphorically. You want to smoke less crack tomorrow? Your metaphorical Vladimir Putin will make sure you get on that smoking less crack right away and have tapes of you doing things in a hotel room.

Will Power

If you don’t want those tapes of you doing things in a hotel room to get out, you need willpower. It’s the opposite of fear. Anyone can have it, even if your name isn’t will, you can also be fired at if you’re not will. Look yourself in the mirror and say “No, I will not smoke less crack metaphorically, I will stop.” And not replace it with metaphorical some other vice.

No one wants those tapes getting out.

Be Motivated

Everyone needs support, not just willpower. Willpower can be a driving force, but that force can drive faster if you’re being chased by a pack of wolves, metaphorically, and a metaphorical cyborg metaphorical Putin.

Everyone needs a kick in the pants to metaphorically hand over the crack, and admit they could do better, be better, achieve, do, not just imagine or think. There’s a time to metaphorically literally, in a metaphorical sense, to be active, not passive.

Sadly, this isn’t your first response. What’s your first response, meta, literally, a lee? Inertia. Inertia is the enemy. Find someone or something to knock you out of it.

Resolutions can be hard to keep, some people don’t even make them- which can be a percentage of 100%, which is a number, that should be lower. But remember, whatever your goal is, there’s a metaphorical cyborg Vladimir Putin and a pack of wolves for everyone. Oh look a, it’s…it spotted me.