deep thoughts, feelings, life, poem, poetry, thoughts

Heh

If not for my sparkling personality,

or boobs,

those are popular,

I’d be remembered.

People have unfortunately known me.

Someone would have a memory.

One fond one,

quality, not quantity,

being semi-selfless once-

myself the rest of the time.

I would be known, missed.

Not some post Taco Tuesday toot

that everyone notices, points out

tries to pin on someone,

won’t stop talking about.

But when it wofts away,

people forget why all the windows are open.

Get annoyed the wind breezing in.

And life continuing.

Standard
humans, psychology, self help, thoughts, Tips, Uncategorized, understanding

Taking Care of Business

The following events would probably take place if I actually had a friend…that for some stupid reason went to Afghanistan.

(phone rings, INTJ ignores it, doesn’t recognize the number)

(same number calls again, Afghanistan area code)

INTJ: Stupid telemarketers.

(same number calls again)

INTJ: I have no idea who this is but whoever you are I do not want your product or-

Terrorists: Hello Infidel, we have kidnapped your friend.

INTJ: I have friends?

“Friend”: I know your phone number.

INTJ: Excellent point, that is some Fort Knox shit there.

Terrorists: For one million dollars, you filthy American Infidel, we will return-

INTJ: You want that much? Seriously, look at what you kidnapped.

Terrorists: I think this is the wrong number.

INTJ: With the prices that you’re charging it’s no wonder that you’re not moving inventory.

“Friend”: You are aware of the fact that you are on speaker phone.

INTJ: Also, there are better ways to achieve your organizational goals. What is your organization’s goal or mission statement?

Terrorists: Uhh….

INTJ: Do you have a slogan, logo? You need good branding before you can have a good branding strategy, seriously, who am I talking to here? What makes you stand out?

Terrorists: We didn’t think about that before we became terrorists.

INTJ: I understand, most people don’t think about a lot of things before they become terrorists. But your do have one thing.

Terrorists: A valuable hostage?

INTJ: No, passion. Passion is great to have, but it doesn’t make a solution magically appear, however, it can drive you to find one.

Terrorists: I am writing that down, it is an excellent quote.

“Friend”: I would like to use one of my other lifelines.

Terrorists: No, we like this one.

INTJ: What you have is a really exciting, potentially explosive concept. You could make a big impact-

“Friend”: She knows that those are really dark puns but she’s using them anyway.

INTJ: I am negotiating with the startup, what is the name of your organization?

Terrorists: Al Shasteve.

INTJ: You need to work on the name.

Terrorists: I know.

“Friend”: Stop helping the terrorists!

INTJ: Hey, you didn’t get kidnapped by Al Qaeda or ISIS.

Terrorists: What are you implying extremely helpful infidel?

INTJ: I’m implying that you could be on that level, you could be Al Qaeda, or ISIS, or Hezbollah even, I assume that you want your organization to grow and develop, be a worldwide brand?

Terrorists: Yes, we want to be on CNN, but how?

INTJ: It’s a combination of brand connectivity and awareness, what’s your story, what makes you human, relatable to your audience?

Terrorists: We want to connect with our local audience and kill our international audience.

INTJ: On the surface those are counter intuitive, but they could work together.

“Friend”: How?

INTJ: That is an excellent question, the simple answer is, they both involve engagement, engagement would be much easier with your international audience because you’re trying to kill them.

Terrorists: They will be very scared of us.

INTJ: But your local audience, how will they connect and condone you killing your international audience?

Terrorists: We’re locally owned and operated, we share the same beliefs, have the same problems, want to solve them. By problems I mean infidels like you, and you!

“Friend”: I’m sorry, your English is excellent!

INTJ: Those are all excellent aspects of your organizations that any killer organization should possess.

“Friend”: Really?

INTJ: What you need are local brand ambassadors and evangelists, local businesses and organizations need to connect on a local level in order to succeed. I assume that you have a recruiting department.

Terrorists: We do, but, all the other terrorists join other terrorists, who aren’t us.

INTJ: That’s a completely different subject, but long story short, you need to invest in recruiting, if you have the top talent and top recruits, you will be on top. Have you considered affiliate marketing? In return, being somehow affiliated, or at least endorsed, acknowledges your organization’s worth as a quality organization. Also knowing that your competition thinks you’re competition is a real confidence boost.

Terrorists: Also…brand awareness?

INTJ: Exactly, brand awareness, free marketing! See, you have to invest in it at first, but the dividends and return. You are catching on Al Shasteve.

“Friend”: Whatever they say, don’t explain incentivization to them.

Terrorists: Why not, why not helpful infidel?

INTJ: Well, with your unique startup I’m not sure that would be a good idea, it could be disastrous for you, your competition could turn that against you. You don’t want to scare away your audience, with however, you’d convince, or forcibly earn someone’s loyalty. Also, you can’t hack growth and have genuine growth.

Terrorists: You are very wise and just saved us the trouble of taking many lives. Would you like to negotiate for your friend’s release now?

INTJ: Oh, that, sorry, we were just having such a great, valuable conversation, does she want to come back?

Terrorists: The helpful infidel wants to know if you want to come back.

“Friend”: She’s not my favorite person now and I am totally reporting her to the FBI now but yes.

INTJ: Well if it’s going to be-

Terrorists: Wait, don’t hang up, you’ve been so helpful to us, we’d feel bad if you got absolutely nothing out of this.

INTJ: You’re right, the terrorists are right, tell the nice terrorists thank you.

“Friend”: Thank you nice terrorists.

Terrorists: You are welcome, so, $1,000,000

INTJ: That’s a bit high for me, I gave you a good $999,999 in advice. Also, you need to build up your brand and associate it with such a high price tag. You should aspire to be a real luxury brand. Think about it, a purse is basically a purse, but with a certain name on it, convince your consumer that you are that good, with what you have there and being a startup and all.

“Friend”: Tell my mother I love her.

INTJ: what I’m saying is this could be a great opportunity for you, have you kidnapped anyone else for ransom money before?

Terrorists: Yes, but they died.

INTJ: Ahhh, well I have some idea what could have happened.

Terrorists: You do, we’re terrorists. Very bad terrorists.

INTJ: But do you want that mess again? This is a prime chance to develop your negotiating skills. A paid ransom for a living person is very important for your business model. It also cleans up your reputation, and saves you quiet the cleanup, she is just going to splatter everywhere. That’s not halal.

Terrorists: Caves are hard to clean.

INTJ: And she can tell the west how truly terrifying and threatening you are, right?

“Friend”: Yes, brand evangelism.

INTJ: To an international audience that you could probably not afford to reach with paid advertisement currently. She could be so very useful for once.

“Friend”: That’s right, I’ll be so…what do you mean for once?

INTJ: I think she’s only worth $10,000.

Terrorists: We need more than that.

INTJ: You see that’s the thing, when you start a business, you think money is everything, but there are valuable free, literal and metaphorical resources that matter too. Also, where would that money go? You might think that things like administrative costs and travel expenses are at the forefront now, but no, in fact, make a list, decide the minimal amount you’d need. You’re going to have to be creative, but what small business isn’t at this stage? Also, a small amount of money could get to you faster than a large amount, and cover immediate pressing expenses.

Terrorists: We could kidnap other people.

INTJ: More valuable people.

Terrorists: And be like a luxury brand?

INTJ: Yes, and then you’d have her, on CNN, you know, what you have coming together here is a real strategy for growth.

Terrorists: When you put it that way.

“Friend”: This is your nice way of saying I’m not worth that much to you but I agree with you and it’s working.

INTJ: Whatever lets everybody win, huh?

Terrorists: We do need to get rid of her, she is getting kind of annoying.

INTJ: I know right, good job incentivizing and promoting a sense of urgency.

“Friend”: Yes, I wasn’t just scared because I was kidnapped by terrorists at all.

INTJ: Personally, I think she has great sales skills, $50,000, and her and I launch a promotional campaign for the hottest new terrorist group, Al Shasteve?

Terrorists: $100,000 and the promotional campaign.

INTJ: You’ve had to put up with her for at least a week.

“Friend”: Three, did you not see that I wasn’t active on Facebook at all?

INTJ: Oh, you’re on Facebook? (pretending not to know) I’ve been, busy.

“Friend”: You manage Facebook pages and make Facebook ads, you have to have a Facebook account!

Terrorists: $90,000 you have an excellent point, you’re the one who’d really be paying.

INTJ: I know right, I saw on one of my friend’s pages that she just posts so much, it’s like, get a life, scoff, $75,000.

Terrorists: $80,000 and you have to become Facebook friends with her.

INTJ: $75,001. She asks for prayers and demands likes.

Terrorists: $75,002, we will drop the entire promotional campaign and you have to give her all the infidel likes and infidel prayers she wants.

INTJ: Only if in the event that she has kids she never mentions them on Facebook or posts pictures of the things. I’m concerned for those poor children’s privacy and safety.

Terrorists: An even $75,000 if you throw in some goats.

INTJ: I have an Applebee’s gift card.

Terrorists: What is Applebees?

INTJ: $50,000, the goats, and Fly Emirates T-shirts for all of you, no conditions attached.

Terrorists: You have to help us make the list.

INTJ: That’s a fair deal, send me your T-Shirt sizes.

Terrorists: Can the goats get Fly Emirates T-Shirts too?

INTJ: Uh, that would be hilarious, send me their sizes and I will throw in the Applebee’s gift card for free. Send me pictures of the goats in the T-shirts, inchallah.

“Friend”: How am I getting home?

INTJ: Oh, sorry, I was distracted by the idea of seeing goats in, where is the nearest airport?

Terrorists: Uhh…

INTJ: Could you drop her off outside a military base and just tell her what you want to say about your organization?

Terrorists: We could drop her off on Pakistan, what idiot would think that we didn’t have connections in Pakistan?

INTJ: I know, but in a semi-safe area, there’s a Harry Potter café, I’d love for her to bring me back some pictures and souvenirs.

“Friend”: Oh F’ you.

Terrorists: Is that how you thank your helpful infidel friend?

“Friend”: I’ll take pictures.

INTJ: Good, then find your way to a US Military base, say what they want you to say. Also, pick up and mail the the T-shirts and goats. The terrorists are the ones making you do that, not me.

“Friend”: I am not thanking you for negotiating my release at all.

INTJ: Splitsies on your ransom, and you get to punch me in the face as hard as you can when you land.

Terrorists: How selfless.

INTJ: I’ll mail the Applebees gift card?

“Friend”: You had me at punch you in the face as hard as I can when I land.

Terrorists: She’s going home!

INTJ: I am such a good friend.

“Friend”: Reporting you to the FBI is not exactly off the table.

Standard
deep thoughts, feelings, humans, life, love, poem, poetry, thoughts

This is Normal

Love should be a slowburn-

like a campfire

some runaway teenage criminals,

who will eventually join a cult,

that jumps onto some grass,

then a flower,

then a shrubbery,

then some squirrel’s newly remodeled condo,

then the canopy,

than from tree to tree-

Then the entire forest is on fire!

And all the humans and animals

run around screaming,

watching everything they own go up in flames.

 

It lasts for ages

and parolee firemen have to put it out,

work for weeks,

be away from their friends and family,

just to contain it.

And when the last ember

finally burns out,

and everything is destroyed-

the forest will regrow,

learn to trust again,

it will take awhile,

but it will open up it’s heart,

just to be burnt down all over again.

 

You can’t just throw

acid on someone,

scream “I LOVE YOU!!!”

Run off,

and expect to be chased.

That’s weird-

you Psycho.

Standard
How to, humans, Life Advice, psychology, self help, understanding

How to be a Woman, Part 2

Oh, hello again! Welcome back to our mandatory educational, if you have a vagina, insightful series, “How to be a Woman”. The last we left Mary Sue and Pissy Jenny, both vaginas with women, they were being approached by a hopefully single gentleman, because he is a man, not a woman, who they both want to get married to and have babies with and fight over, because they are woman, lets see how things are going!

Steve’s Cousin: You both have vaginas.

Mary Sue: How smart and observant you are, how attractive.

Steve’s Cousin: I also have a penis.

Mary Sue: Oh happy day.

Pissy Jenny: There was no funeral for Steve because he wasn’t good enough for us and we could have done better.

Mary Sue: A real man wouldn’t have let himself be eaten by wolves.

Pissy Jenny: God is dead.

Steve’s Cousin: If he would have been good enough for you and a real man I sure would have gone on that funeral.

Mary Sue: You feel obligated to do things for people you care about and are so empathetic therefore could quickly succumb to pressure, what wonderful qualities.

Pissy Jenny: Gee, Steve’s Cousin, what wonderful heartwarming words about your deceased cousin who was eaten alive by wolves. Do you want my pussy or not?

Whoa, whoa, Pissy Jenny, directness and clear, effective communication are not qualities that attract a man. What lack of histrionics and emotions! Men are hunters, they like the thrill of the chase, they are passionate, big strong creatures that need constant reassurance of their manliness so that they don’t accidentally show emotion. But also space.

Mary Sue: You are cute maybe, shriek! I might like your penis!

Good job Mary Sue! Soon you’ll be reeling in your man in no time. This lack of directness and use of passive aggressive mind games, not actually stating your feelings, but showing them in a subtle way, shamefully, all the time, are sure to catch his attention. He will have to chase and earn you, endear himself to you after all the crap you put him through, because you’re a woman! Justification of effort is so romantic!

You can also trick him into getting you pregnant “accidentally”, pressuring him because it’s just the right thing to do, no matter how actually compatible you are, is an excellent back up strategy to get your man. Who says anchor babies are just for illegal immigrants? Says this narrator who has sadly seen this happen with misery inducing consequences…for the man!

Mary Sue: But won’t I go to hell for doing such a horrible thing?

Child support if it doesn’t work out and you get to keep the house, you will be the victim! Babies make you extra conveniently helpless and not accountable for your actions because emotions! Because you’re a woman!

Mary Sue: Oh happy day!

Steve’s Cousin: I’m sorry, I wasn’t listening because I was looking at another woman’s boobs because I am a man. Boobs.

Mary Sue: How could you do this to me Steve’s Cousin? Runs out of coffee shop crying, because so many female emotions!

Steve’s Cousin: Let me chase after you Mary Sue!

Pissy Jenny: You are going to hell.

Ha ha, I know. But I could have gone into so much more painfully truthful and sadly very legal detail. Mary Wollstonecraft!

Pissy Jenny: If I look her up she wouldn’t agree with any of that, would she?

Stop being so smart Pissy Jenny, you’re a woman! Also you’re very intimidating and are going to die alone on the inside surrounded by cats. Did you learn nothing from Amy Dunne? Somebody’s not being cool girl. Lets catch up with Mary Sue and Steve’s Cousin, how are things going between the two love birds?

Pissy Jenny: This is not over, my self-awareness only grows by the-

Steve’s Cousin: Gee, I’m sorry I hurt your feelings Mary Sue, I’m a stupid, but not stupid, smarter than you, but not smarter than you, it’s all very confusing, girl power, man.

Mary Sue: It’s okay, you have a penis.

Steve’s Cousin: And a prostate, isn’t that novel?

Mary Sue: No.

Steve’s Cousin: Gee, I’m sorry I hurt your feelings again, they are very sensitive because you’re a woman. I can’t be not nice to you, that’s mean. Plus you couldn’t handle repercussions and your actions having consequences. I have to protect you because I am a man, with a penis.

Mary Sue: That’s the nicest thing anyone’s ever said to me. I have so many feelings that I just can’t control.

Steve’s Cousin: Yes you’re very passionate and I should keep you happy at all times or else. The Enlightenment.

Mary Sue: Do you have any idea what that is?

Steve’s Cousin: No.

Mary Sue: Neither do I. We are in love!

Steve’s Cousin: Okay, I don’t want to die alone!

Pissy Jenny: I’m going to go to the bathroom by myself and be with Steve now.

No, no Pissy Jenny, the wolves aren’t going to get you. Now it’s a bear with a taser and he’s going to chase you down until I need you again. Because you need to lose weight!

Pissy Jenny: Is the bear also going to take me to the, oh crap, it’s an actual bear with an actual taser!

Run little trope, run, he slows down if you start screaming out your faults and questioning your visage and overall physical appearance.

Pissy Jenny: You chauvinistic woodland bastard! Oh god, he’s-

The bear is also easily triggered, lets see, stop screaming and man up for now Pissy Jenny! Anyway, what is Mary Sue up to? It looks like she’s talking on the phone.

Steve’s Cousin: We are actually talking on the phone!

Mary Sue: I know. Are you watching Pissy Jenny being chased by an extremely chauvinistic bear with a taser? Gee, I wonder what the wolves are up to.

Steve’s Cousin: I am, it must be her punishment for not being a real woman.

Mary Sue: Karma and feminism, do you know that bears have bene known to show great intelligence in pursuit of food and are much less of afraid of humans than wolves. That’s probably where the bear got the taser.

Steve’s Cousin: You know so much about animals Mary Sue.

Mary Sue: A bear even came up and sat by a guy in the wild, it’s on Youtube. They’ve also been trained to do tricks and entertain humans.

Steve’s Cousin: Oh Mary Sue, stop making me fall in love with you even more than I already am!

Mary Sue: Don’t even get me started on Honey Badgers!

Steve’s Cousin: Ha ha, we are laughing! We should get married and have babies.

Mary Sue: Oh, I do, yay, you are committing to me! You are mine now!

Steve’s Cousin: I don’t know Mary Sue, this seems a little-

Mary Sue: Why are you thinking about it? LOVE!!!

Steve’s Cousin: Yes, love.

Mary Sue: Love, relationships and one’s entire future need to be based exclusively on love.

That’s right Mary Sue, love, emotions, the Lifetime network. The only things women really understand. If he doesn’t stay with you forever and ever it’s all his fault because he messed up and didn’t know what commitment meant, or understood your feelings. Your constant bashing of him and whatever secure strong woman whom he chooses next, and the awkwardness, are completely understandable and condonable because part of you will always love him. Because you are a woman! Also all of his female friends or any other female he interacts with are your enemies, you can change him by burdening him with literal and metaphorical responsibilities because he can hand him, because he is a man, and all exclusively yours!

Steve’s Cousin: Yay, it’s my job.

Mary Sue: I win, reverse sexism!

Steve’s Cousin: I am everything to you, this is going to be fun.

Mary Sue: Neither one of us can have friends who aren’t us anymore!

Pissy Jenny: Make me a bridesmaid!

Mary Sue: No you homewrecker!

Pissy Jenny: Oh come on!

Now that you got your man, who is stuck with you forever and ever whether he likes it or not, you are now all grown up and a real, verifiable woman. Would you like to find out how to be a grown up, real, verifiable, with a vagina, woman Mary Sue?

Mary Sue: Mary Wollstonecraft would I!

You will, along with everyone else, in How to be a Woman, Part 3!

Standard
deep thoughts, feelings, humans, poem, poetry, thoughts

Bittersweet

Looking back,

After that special person

Just dies peacefully in their sleep,

Realizing you weren’t there,

You could have done it.

 

You followed, tracked,

Stook out, had plans-

But were thwarted at every turn.

You could have had other plans

Like brunch, grandma’s birthday,

But you had a job to do.

And now you’re just here

With a machete, a gun,

A very angry pointy stick,

Some poison

Blackmail material-

You could sell it on Craigslist.

But you probably shouldn’t.

But you might as well.

Now you have no other plans today.

 

They deserved better,

You could have been that better,

It would have been so amazing, wrathful,

Glorious-

You worry about the kids,

Loved ones left behind.

Will there be a funeral?

You had planned one,

But life got in the way.

You could awkwardly bring a pie.

You have no one else to awkwardly bring a pie to.

Reminisce about the deceased,

Then attempt to explain

How you came about this information.

Before the cops are called, you run off.

And realize that you never saw Titanic.

Standard
How to, humans, Life Advice, psychology, self help, thoughts, Tips, understanding

How to be a Woman Part 1

Look at your crotch. Do you have a vagina? Egads, that’s novel! If you don’t have one, good for you! But if you do, congratulations, you’re a woman! The world is a big, confusing, complicated place. And you know this better than anyone else, because you are also big, have you lost weight, confusing, and complicated. In fact, some men, and deviant other women, don’t even like you at all, think that you’re gross, unattractive. But they’re missing out, girl power!

You may be asking yourself, why am I so have I lost weight, confusing and complicated? How did I come to be this way? Because you’re a woman, that’s why. And this insightful instructional guide will teach you how to be one! It is conveniently divided into multiple parts so it’s easier to read, because you have less than the attention span of a goldfish now, darn computers and brainy phones! Also, you are a woman. You can’t be that smart, it’s offensive to people, especially other women, girlfriend!

But what if I already know how to be a woman and am perfectly confident with myself. As an individual-wrong, you’re wrong!!!! You have a flaw, go look for it, mope, and write a yahoo news article! Lose weight and acquire make up! This insightful guide will properly re-program you to the preferred societal mold and conduct of your feminine female self, so that you can happily and quite famously get along with your fellow female sisters. Which you must have, otherwise you are not a woman, and are weird. And will die alone.

I don’t want to die alone! Of course you don’t, you’re a very vulnerable, emotional, insecure woman. But I, also a woman, once a month mine gushes out blood too, will help you, and save you from this horrible fate. Because I am a woman. After experiencing being a woman, and observing them for years, women, I have gained valuable insight and knowledge into the female character and personage.

Look who’s coming along now, it’s Pissy Jenny and her friend Mary Sue, oh, and their male friend Steve!

Pissy Jenny: Dear God she brought me back from the dead for this.

Mary Sue: Well, duh, you’re a woman.

Steve: If you can’t tell this is a parody of retro educational videos, aimed at mocking the ironic and contradictory nature of females, and cruel malevolence subconsciously encouraged and motivated by a Judeo Christian male dominated, discreetly chauvinistic society. Thumbs up, sarcasm and mockery hiding a poignant and sad message you idiots in the comment section!

Mary Sue: I have no idea who Mary Wollstonecraft is but feminism!

Pissy Jenny: She probably had to edit so may not subtle jabs at Lena Dunham and jokes about her out of this for word count purposes.

Steve: You bet, but this is just part one!

Mary Sue: If we’re this self-aware through this whole damn thing we’re going to realize that we’re imaginary characters condemned to be tropes personified in a blog.

Steve: We’re going to want to kill ourselves, but then realize that we’re just going to wake back up in this same nightmare over and over again!

Mary Sue: Lets switch hats Steve!

Pissy Jenny: Ha, I see what you, this got dark not so surprisingly quickly.

If you were paying attention ladies, Mary Sue and Steve just presented your very first lesson in being a woman. Just shut up, go along with it, try to enjoy yourself, and fulfill your role. Power is a heavy burden to have, and you’re a woman. You can’t even open a jar, agency? Let men decide things for you, or anyone older and wiser than you who knows more about life. Because you are a histrionic, hyperemotional woman who doesn’t even know how to spell logic or agency. But hey, it’s a very attractive quality to have!

You need help, doing things on your own, INDEPENDENCE? You can’t even go to the bathroom by yourself, if you do, the wolves will get you before you get to the women’s restroom door! You need community support and approval. You must care what other people think. Will you always agree? No, but lie and say you do or else. You are violating the girl code of sisterhood, danger, danger, danger, there will be consequences. You have to be liked and have friends. You can just talk smack and gossip about your fellow female sisters behind their backs later. Like a lady.

How else can I be like a lady? Help me, I am a woman, I am helpless! Helpless, you? No…or is it convenient? Being helpless and utterly useless, on the surface, but incredibly attractive, on the surface, is a quality any feminine female lady should possess. It’s very convenient, sure, you might have to woman up every once in a hot pink moon, show some initiative, get by on your own merits as a person, but it’s hard. Why not take the easy way? Be helpless when it’s convenient. Why should you have to work, or give the wolves a chance to get you, break your pretty, womanly nails, or worse, not need a man in your life, when the man or someone else in your life can do it for you? Because you’re a woman.

This is cruel, manipulative, opportunistic, and a tall order, how do I accomplish this, I am helpless again, and it is so very convenient! Convincing others that you are poor and helpless isn’t that hard if you put in the effort. After a while you’ll be able to get away with murder, or get a reduced sentence, look up the statistics!

Mary Sue: Oh Steve!

Steve: What is it Mary Sue?

Pissy Jenny: I have a gun and a very bad feeling about this.

Mary Sue: I find you to be attractive.

Steve: I do too, and you’re gosh darn pretty Mary Sue.

Mary Sue: No, don’t kiss me, you are attacking me and sexual harassment!

Steve: Heh?

Pissy Jenny: (shoots Steve in ankle) He was attacking you, I was here, we are women.

Mary Sue: Look at me, I’m holding a baby now! And am demure yet gussied up and sufficiently  emotional for law enforcement!

Pissy Jenny: I am too, I am now also holding a baby, emotions, feelings, am a woman!

Police: Why did you shoot this man in the ankle?

Pissy Jenny: I thought that he was trying to hurt my friend, and I am a very emotional woman! Because I’m a woman!

Policeman: You’ll just get probation, Steve will forgive you on the outside after we automatically assume he’s the bad guy, because he’s a man.

Mary Sue: How convenient, where did the baby go?

Pissy Jenny: Society and gender stereotypes are a convenient thing.

Isn’t special treatment great? Isn’t being special great? Being better but not better is a wonderful thing when responsibility and accountability comes around. Who couldn’t control themselves or use logic? You, because you’re a woman, and life is tough for you. And you do so much, but men, they do things too, but you don’t get enough appreciation. Men are lucky to have you, and should do whatever you say and demand so that you stay. Failure is all their fault, blame, blame, blame. But you? You have to be shielded from the harshness of reality and the outside world! Which is why you have to stay inside, where the wolves aren’t. But if you go outside, that darn reality really should come inside. Because you’re a woman.

Steve: The wolves have caught the scent of my blood!

That’s inconvenient, but you’re a man, you can take care of yourself, and protect Mary Sue and Pissy Jenny. Oh look, they’re inside, good luck Steve! Great job being women ladies! If Steve really loved you he’d be inside with you, lovingly supporting, you, listening to you talk about your many feelings, protecting you from the wolves. But that bum out there isn’t worth it, you ladies can do better. Because you’re women!

Pissy Jenny: The wolves are eating Steve.

Mary Sue: That’s weird, wolves typically avoid people and are not known to eat humans.

Pissy Jenny: Maybe they’re evil wolves.

Mary Sue: Are they men?

Pissy Jenny: Probably, does that make them evil?

Mary Sue: Mary Wollstonecraft!

Pissy Jenny: You have no idea who that is but know pertinent information about wolves when it’s convenient.

Hey Pissy Jenny, don’t bash your fellow female sister, just because you’re women. You need to be comrades, compatriots, ride to die, Bonnie and Bonnie, non-sexually because you have to get married and have babies, and love them, you have to be in each other’s weddings! Now you may be wondering how to be friends as women, who are supportive to other women.

Pissy Jenny: Oh sh-

That’s right Jenny, it may seem easy but it isn’t always easy. Lets watch Mary Sue and Pissy Jenny go get coffee and banter.

Mary Sue: We’re getting coffee and bantering now.

Pissy Jenny: We are catching up on life my fellow female female friend who is a girl with a vagina.

Mary Sue: I have ovaries too, lets laugh and bond over that!

Pissy Jenny: OMG my fellow female female friend who is a girl with a vagina what an excellent idea, ha ha, laughter. We have to be friends and do things together!

Mary Sue: We have the best relationship, don’t we bitch?

Pissy Jenny: We do my fellow female female…the f-

Sometimes we women need to police each other, inform our fellow females when we’re going off the female path, and not complying with our places in the world. It is also your responsibility to keep your fellow females on their toes, but also be a source of support and understanding when they start conforming again. Sure girl power and the community of vaginas, and pinterest, is great, a beautiful thing when we all come together, but we can’t do that all the time. It’s hard, and it’s not just the wolves you have to worry about.

Mary Sue: You have broken the sacred girl code!

Pissy Jenny: The what?

Mary Sue: You are trying to steal my man and don’t agree with everything I say, you must comply!

Pissy Jenny: What man?

Pissy Jenny is right Mary Sue, what man? What a vulgar display of histrionic emotions, even though you’re a woman, this behavior is unacceptable, and it will result in you having no friends. Pretend to apologize to her and talk smack behind her back to better female friends instead. Directness and problem solving skills are unattractive on a lady. And you must be attractive.

Mary Sue: I’m sorry Pissy Jenny, girl power and sisterhood are very important.

Pissy Jenny: Are you just going to-

Mary Sue: Yes, because I’m a woman!

Pissy Jenny: I will never forgive you for this.

Mary Sue: Whatever I’m right and this is healthy female behavior.

Pissy Jenny: I wish I was dead again.

Mary Sue: I’m here for you girlfriend.

Pissy Jenny: The f-

Speaking of that colorful word you’re about to say Pissy Jenny, love. What woman doesn’t want to be in love? It’s the only good best thing you’ll ever do. You need a romantic companion. What will people think of you if you don’t have one? Or aren’t actively looking for one? You’re just doing you, that sounds dirty. Your life is not your own, you have to devote it to something bigger than yourself. Because you’re a woman, future generations!

Mary Sue: Lets talk about penises Pissy Jenny.

Pissy Jenny: Oh boy Mary Sue, I don’t want to die alone and need to be emotionally validated by another person too Mary Sue.

Mary Sue: I know, especially if another person has a penis, buys me things, and puts babies inside me. I love babies, people could just throw them at me, and I would catch them, hold them in my female motherly arms that love babies. Because I’m a woman.

Pissy Jenny: Oh look, here’s one now, approaching us.

What hopefully single man is approaching Mary Sue and Pissy Jenny? Will Mary Sue or Pissy jenny get their man? How do you interact and attract the attention of men as a female feminine woman with a vagina? Find out on part two of our mandatory educational series, if you have a vagina, “How to be a Woman”.

Standard