deep thoughts, feelings, humans, love, Uncategorized

Trials

I could walk through,

some of

the fires of Hell,

cross oceans,

fight a tornado-

or at least some angry drunk person,

be forced to live in an Iron Maiden,

be burned alive, struck by lightning!

Have to deal with Google Adwords Customer Service,

tame a unicorn,

teach a cat to fetch,

listen to Gilbert Godfried sing “My Heart Will Go On”,

and other worse things.

 

Or, or-

hear me out.

I walk up to you,

and just ask you whether or not,

or would be interested in, my (meow).

You narcissistic bastard.

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divine, feelings, humans, important questions, life, Life Advice, psychology, questions, self help, socialization, thoughts, Tips, Uncategorized

Please Shut Up About Jesus

Atheists, and Muslims, the two most hated groups in America. But why? Well according to a study on the subject they just don’t line up with American values. Which are generally accepting everyone, knowing that everyone is different, tolerance, freedom, not….

The founding fathers were Christian, or at least Christianish, fact. They all agreed that everyone should have freedom of religion and not be discriminated against, the second fact that people tend to forget. And that they live in a pluralistic society, world.

Everyone would love to live in their own little bubble. Sadly though, and especially for religious people and societies, this is not possible. But how can you function better? What a coincidence that you just asked that question that I prompted you to ask. Here are some tips.

  1. Learn the Art of Conversation

Jesus was a cool dude, got along with everyone, had a lot of friends. He knew how to talk to people, make genuine, fruitful connections. How did he do this? He knew not to interject that He was the Son of God every five minutes, you’re welcome, and you really should get on the Jesus train to heaven.

Transitions in conversation are often overlooked, but shouldn’t be. If you randomly change the topic mid-conversation, someone has an agenda. No one likes that or will be interested in your agenda.

There’s a time and place to discuss faith and religion, and it’s not every conversation you’ll ever have. Also, how is bringing up your faith unsolicited just not asking to start something, that you hopefully can handle?

  1. Calm Down

Do you know that one person who just can’t stop talking about their cat, or significant other? And if you’re not doing the same, you are heartless. You think about stopping them, or telling them ooh look a distraction- but then you’re oppressing them, being mean, they just want to talk. You don’t have to, or ever will, but they have to.

This is a horrible way to convert someone and you look like a crazy person. It’s offensive because it’s true. You also make other people who share your beliefs, but more reasonably, look bad. The Pope does not know Kim Davis and the average Muslim doesn’t know, or want to be associated with ISIS.

Never be ISIS or Kim Davis, it makes you look bad.

  1. Don’t Judge

Gay people have existed since the beginning of time, gay animals have existed since the beginning of time, race, species mixing has also been a thing for a while- just because you don’t know of it, or do it, doesn’t make it evil, or a foreign invasive force.

94% of male Giraffes are bisexual. What have giraffes ever done to you? And if a giraffe ever did anything to you, say called you short, a little spinner, that doesn’t mean all giraffes do that.

Most people want to be left alone, allowed to live their lives in peace. You are probably one of them, because the Bible probably says so somewhere. And the Bible has some very good points, and general life advice.

Even Atheists, and Muslims, know that you shouldn’t fall in love with a sheep and abandon your family and all responsibility, accountability for your actions. Which was falling in love with a sheep.

  1. Think Outside Your Box

Despite popular belief, you aren’t all that special. You have more in common with your enemy than you probably realize. Which is why they’re your enemy. Or any random person on the street really.

You have problems, they have problems. You have feelings, they have feelings. You have a spleen, they have a spleen. They might feel that they have a problem with their spleen though, if they are doubled over in pain, consider that.

You don’t know what problems or struggles someone else has, they don’t know what problems or struggles you have. They certainly aren’t excuses to go do stupid s***, but realizing they exist can prevent a lot of stupid s***.

Never assume anything, without a crap ton of evidence. Which your own personal biases, and projecting your experiences on someone or something else, do not count as, at least 99.9% of the time.

  1. You’re not Being Oppressed

If you can freely talk about, and proclaim your religion, in public, you aren’t being oppressed. Especially if your law, society, majority culture is based on your religion. You won’t get your way all the time, because there are other people besides you in the world. They need to be considered.

It is very important that you learn how to take this. And not rely on your magical sky dad. Because your magical sky dad has kids and lots of crap to do, all the time. Hopefully you are penciled in.

No one likes not getting their way, but life. You have to learn how to deal with things, in a mature way. And not summon Fox News.

  1. You’re not Going to Catch Them All

Did you know that Pokemon is still on T.V.? Yes, and Ash is still trying to catch them all. Which he never will, but Pokemon goes on, darn discovering new pokemon! Seriously though, imitation is the highest form of flattery, but not everyone will flatter you.

Not everyone needs “fixing”, or wants to hear the “truth”, there are lots of bandwagons to jump on. Some people are just bad jumpers or not interested. Everyone will not want to be like you because they like themselves, and aren’t you.

Everyone can choose to believe what they want to believe, that doesn’t make them bad or evil. Their actions dictate that, how they choose to act on those beliefs.

  1. Don’t Think You’re Better Than Anyone Else

No one is better than anyone else, even Jesus was like, chill guys, sometimes, and when the disciples asked which one of them got to sit by Him in heaven Jesus said, yeah, you basic Matthew. And Mark, and Luke, and John, and the other guy, and the one who isn’t Judas, and the other, it’s been awhile since Public School Religion, and where is the waitress with our mozzarella sticks? I’ll just, there she is! Peter, Peter, that was another one.

No one likes self-righteous people. Your faith, or belief system doesn’t make you better than anyone else. There are people that believe in ghosts, UFOs, the sanity of Gary Busey, they don’t go around saying “I can’t believe you people are missing out on this!”

But you’re blah, blah, blah, doesn’t make you not being a dick proof. In fact, it increases your chances of being a dick. But if you are blah, blah, blah, and aren’t a dick. Snaps for you, you can have one of Jesus’s mozzarella sticks. Take another one, Judas does not get any, for reasons.

  1. Agree to Disagree

Some people don’t wonder how scientists figured out that 94% of male giraffes are bisexual, some people don’t, a picture of Tilda Swinton? Others might say one of those creeper things, that mechanics use to go under, but then…the debate continues.

And will always continue until giraffes can talk, and reveal their secrets. You can still get along with others who share different opinions and viewpoints. Common ground may be found elsewhere, like giraffes are interesting in general.

Very tall, did you know that there’s only 7 vertebrae in a giraffe’s neck? Just like a human, they’re just a little longer.

  1. Respect Others 

There are people that are perfectly content with themselves. Who do not want to be bothered. Leave them alone, they’ll talk to you, but aren’t interested in what you’re selling. But there will be other customers.

But appreciate the non-customer too, try to get to know them a little, acknowledge them. Who knows, maybe you could learn something, practice your conversation skills.

Maybe they speak giraffe, or were the scientist that figured out that 94% of male giraffes are bisexual. How long, they could really use some human interaction. Might appreciate it.

  1. Don’t Try to Take Over the World

The Duggars are polarizing figures. Do you know why they have so many children? Well, they’re bazookas for the Lord, and the more bazookas they have, and the more they spread the good news- the faster they can take over the world, and suit it to their needs. Not your needs, but they’ll fix you.

This plan for world domination has been confirmed by ex-followers of the Independent Fundamentalist Baptist, Gothardism belief system, and not just my agnostitheist opinion. And would not go over well with others.

If your belief system wants to take over the world, be the dominant belief system, change it for itself, exclude everyone and everything else from the new world order- it’s a bad system, no one likes it, or will be sympathetic to it. They won’t want a part in it.

Wanting to take over the world because you think you have a good reason to is, no, no- unless you’re Ra’as al-Ghul, he has good points and ideas, people are, people. And people keep making more people, too many.

Everyone has a right to have and express their religious beliefs. But there’s a time and place, and a way to do it that won’t alienate people. Which is offensive, because it’s true. A good rule of thumb is if they wouldn’t shove their beliefs in your face, don’t shove yours in theirs.

Who or whatever you worship, keep worshipping. Just don’t forget to use your interpersonal and emotional intelligence every once, actually all the time. They’re horrible things to waste. Praise Cthulhu!

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feelings, poem, poetry, Uncategorized

Sexy Sex Poem

I grew up in a cornfield and sometimes small vermin ran by.

I’m not good with romance, I’m not going to lie.

 

They just showed up and it came.

I only have Mother Nature to thank and blame.

 

At this point in the poem I would tell you how when

a man and woman passionately come together,

and do things and make beautiful music-

I tripped up the stairs this morning.

 

There are so many sensitive areas and zones,

and when all the senses and mind meld together in one-

I can’t ride a bike.

 

Around the age of fourteen the opposite sex began to like me.

I do not know the reasons why I might be

so enticing, sensual, and-

I can’t tie my shoes right half the time.

 

At this point in the poem I would throw in some innuendo, double entendre,

I would wink, smile and tease and drive you wild and-

have you ever lost a staring contest to a squirrel?

 

Sometimes I J-walk and break the law and deserve to be punished.

Sometimes I don’t want to leave my room because I love…sleeping.

Sometimes I walk into Victoria’s Secret and then leave,

because I can’t spend that kind of money for undergarments.

 

I grew up in a cornfield and sometimes small vermin ran by.

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extroverts, feelings, How to, humans, introverts, Life Advice, Tips, Uncategorized

Does, An, Introvert, Like, You? Part 2!

Hey, fun fact, you can get someone’s attention by saying fun fact. But that’s beside the point. Introverts are hard people to read. They’re so in their heads you can’t get in their heads and when you ask them if you can get in there, they look at you funny.

How do you know if they even like you? Although this seems murky as well, it’s really not. Just read Part 1. The blog title is even the same because Tony. It’s easier to tell when they don’t like you though, sometimes, occasionally, when is Kwanzaa? But here are some definite signs.

  1. They Avoid You

People like you, right? You’re a pretty cool, you have friends and, except for that person. Who you’ve tried to, have introduced, yeah. They don’t like you. If an introvert can like or tolerate you, they won’t outright avoid you.

You could be useful to us, back on our….it’s not about you. It’s, actually it probably is. We’re awfully quiet but we’re not completely emotionally unintelligent the bulls*** detector, which is powered by the force, is strong with us.

  1. They Pay Less Attention to You

Sadly, introverts have to have jobs. We have yet to conquer…well you wrote a song about it. I know it’s good but you didn’t,  Alessia, well you opened this can of worms, with music I might. Yes, of course we’re still getting bubble tea later.

They have to at least acknowledge certain people, but you can’t pay attention to everyone and everything, all the time. Especially you, you have so much going on and just, December 26th!

  1. They Don’t Pay Attention to You 

Kwanzaa is an American holiday, it did not, in fact, originate in Africa. It was created by Dr. Maulana Karenga in 1966 as a way for African Americans to celebrate their heritage. It was a result of the Civil Rights and Black Power movements.

The colors of Kwanzaa are red, green, and black. Red for the struggle, black for the people, green for the future and hope. It is traditional to wear the traditional Dashiki when celebrating the seven principles during Kwanzaa. These principles are…hold on Tony, that spreadsheet is coming.

  1. They Give You the Look

Dun dun dun dun dun, dun dun dun dun dun, DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN- is the theme from Jaws. Which is playing most people’s head when they see the deadlights. I mean the look, the dead look, the light look, the deadlight-ful look.

The look is hard to describe, but it’s a mix of your eyes when your mother asks when she’ll be getting grandchildren, when she knows you’re demi-sexual and aromatic, and your nose when you got last in Student of the Week again, because f*** actual studying and grades, and your mouth when you realize someone made their famous chicken sashimi again, and it’s Monday.

Few have survived it, unchanged. The bat glare is only the look at 10% power.  Dun du dun dun dun dun, dun dun, dun dun dun, here’s my feelings!

  1. They Don’t Talk to You

Believe it or not, we actually talk. You do? We do. Really? Real-D? Huh? What? Yeah. Okay. But if we don’t like you, we don’t, or not nicely. Especially if we’re slytherpuffs and our spirit animal is a honey badger, m***** f*****. Zippadeeddoodazippadee we don’t have a problem anymore okay, b****.

I wents ta Pubic Skool. Seriously, you are shunned, we see no reason to interact with you. Why even acknowledge your existence?

  1. They Don’t Acknowledge You

Because I am the master of transitions. If this does not get through to you then, who is the autistic one, really? Even if you cure AIDS, someone else was probably already working on that. Why don’t you acknowledge their contributions?

You had an awesome party, we don’t do parties, we fight crime do macramé with Vladimir Putin. He’s very good at it, Vladimir Putin is good at everything he does. In fact, we’re defecating, defecting. Sorry, it’s just that you’re such a piece of-

*Yes I am Judging You is currently experiencing an extreme neural overload. Please be patient while we fix the problem. Meanwhile, enjoy cats singing 90’s classics*

Mrow mrow mrow morrow mrow, mrow mrow mrow mrow, mrow mrow mrow, mrow mrow mrow mrow, mrow, mrow mrow, mrow mrow, mrow mrow mrow, mrow, mrow? Mrow? Mrow, mrow mrow, mrow, mrow?

  1. They Have a “Thing”

They also had a song called “Move it Like This”, what, where, who’s there? Who is this and why are we?  *Kersmack* Thank you Alessia, anyway, things, people have them. And introverts have them too, lots of them. So many, you don’t even know about them. That’s how many.

Do you know that there are sharks who don’t have kilts? No, I’m not making that up, sharks don’t have kilts. Someone should remedy that, in fact, I started a charity, bye, have brunch without me. Everyone will love hearing about your boyfriend over and over again.

Oh look, a book that doesn’t talk back to me.

  1. They are “Tired”

Life is giggity, Everyone has problems, struggles. Everyone has a Tony who doesn’t appreciate Kwanzaa and is racist, therefore should be fired because justice. Introverts need time to recharge, sometimes extra time to recharge.

So much extra time, there’s never enough time, in fact, we should just build a Tardis go to the end of time, take some time home with us, recharge some more- and then listen to you talk about what we “missed” at Brunch.

But oh no, building a Tardis takes so much time. Just the idea is, honk shoo, leave mee mee mee, honk shoo, leave mee meee mee, honk shoo, alone, alone, alone.

  1. They’re Never Home

Yes, hello, who is this? I’m talking into a non-existent landline like a crazy person because I’m not home. Which an introvert will never be if they don’t like you. In fact, what is home, they have no home, they are homeless, free of a home, so you can’t just stop by.

How are you even going to find, yes Alessia I know, I’m at, I know she’s on tour Jerry, No I’m not too good to talk to you Jerry it’s that, I have a thing. So do you, well, congratulations things are happening in your life.

  1. They Drink Heavily

Or drink espresso, or pretend to like Justin Beiber, or watch Lifetime Movies and say, well someone with a degree, clearly wrote that. Whatever they can do to pretend to like you, get along with you. Not be themselves.

Whenever you’re not being yourself, it’s not for a good reason. If someone can’t be themselves around you, they will not want to hang around you, or probably like you.

Seriously, I slightly danced once, it was horrible. I am so very white.

Figuring out introverts is hard because they are a secret buried treasure that can save the world. But if you don’t pre-judge them, and know the signs they probably will like you. Or tolerate you. Or attempt to respect you.

Everyone is different, don’t project yourself and your expectations on them. It’s not fair to anyone. Especially someone who knows the deadlights….very, very, scarily well.

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feelings, life, poem, poetry, thoughts, Uncategorized

At a Funeral on my 16th Birthday

Upstaged by a coffin,

my angst swells up within me

We miss him so,”

He shouldn’t have died!”

I agree, but you just couldn’t listen

Uncle Jimmy.

 

Most girls my age go out with friends, dance a little,

wear something sparkly.

I stare at his face in my black,

wish that I had friends.

 

I want to dance, puke on something sparkly,

have a slice of cake.

But you just had to die Uncle Jimmy-

I asked God to take me at your wake.

 

Some girls get cars, some girls get llamas,

some get trips to France,

my aunt is rambling on about some other

dead person, did you die after listening

to another one of her senseless rants?

 

Lights, sparkles, presents, fun-

well screw that, screw me!

My innocence is gone,

I give up, someone up there hates me.

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extroverts, humans, important questions, introverts, Life Advice, questions, self help, thoughts, Tips, Uncategorized, understanding

Does, an, Introvert, Like, You? Part 1!

There are questions that have perplexed humanity for thousands of years. Where is Shangri la? What do butterflies dream about? Do trees want to be human? Would they sound like Groot? More importantly, how can I tell whether or not an introvert likes me?

For extroverts, or biverts, this is very confusing. All introverts stare off into space, seemingly not paying attention. They also non-verbally glare at everyone. Especially their extroverted mothers. How did that “How to be More Outgoing?” book get thrown, non-verbally, at your face? I don’t, it was the butler. Hold on, let me go hire a butler.

Although it’s not always glaring, often times it’s intense thinking, there’s also the classic Saitama. It often accompanies the intense thinking. Ok, now that we have that out of the way, what are signs that an introvert doesn’t hate you?

  1. They Hang Around You

Believe it or not, the spaceship hasn’t come back for us yet and we require amusement, I mean…we occasionally enjoy the company of others. We like *we are from France* getting to know people. A man is not an island. But our home planet consists entirely of islands. But earth isn’t is our home planet. And there are interesting people on it.

If we can form a friendship or two, or a hybrid to take back to our home planet to be raised in the ways of…relationship, or any human connection, it is very welcome. We don’t want to be alone all the time forever.

  1. They Listen

Hupeople are fascinating. They all have a story, motivations, interesting, potentially useful things to say, or tell. Introverts appreciate this. Plus if they’ve had to listen to you talk about your mother-in-law for an hour then you have to listen to this story about their secret agent sent here thousands of years ago to scout out your planet cat.

Plus introverts are better one on one anyway, so gab away, within reason!

  1. They Just Look at You

Back on our home planet your kind are called the others, the others live in caves under the endless ocean, because our home planet consists entirely of islands, toiling away so that we can appreciate a good Okay, guilty, we like pondering faces, giving you the once over. We’re not trying to be creepy, but we are creepy.

We like figuring things, and people out. We like just getting things, you, know, yeah, you know. That’s how they become more familiar to us, and how we get more comfortable with them.

  1. They Know What Your Favorite Color as a Child was

For thousands of years our kind have possessed advanced telepathic technology. In fact, back on our home planet our communication was purely telepathic. We could just read each other’s minds.

We used to often blackmail each other, telepathically for sport, but then everyone else overheard, and it became a thing, then a full-fledged war, which is why our ship landed on your planet, and went back to our home planet to bring back more of our kind, survivors of the- I have no idea how we can do this but science and psychology proves that HSPs, introverts being above them, have a special gift. We are more prone to just knowing things. Outside of explicitly stalking you, not on the secret telepathic network that remains today, although not as grand as the not secret telepathic network back home I, I, can extroverts read?

Jerry, no, Jerry, they can? Thanks Steve. I know your name isn’t Steve, I’ve just, oh hi Marsha what are, oh we will talk about that later. Oh, just a blog post. Did you know they can read? Just no read good, ha, ha, I know, we are so much smarter and better than them but we can’t say that verbally, out loud. Maybe someday, but not today. The cats will follow their original programming someday. Jerry, what are you looking at on the internet? We did not invent it for that!

We don’t use it for ill though, unless you’re planning a surprise party. We don’t like those. We will help you decorate for our own surprise party and you are going to like it. We will rearrange things in our schedules.

  1. They’re Useful

Extroverts can read, extroverts can read. Introverts aren’t the most sociable, outgoing people. We aren’t drunk all the time. To make up for this, we like to stay busy, be useful, be known in that sense. Expressing yourself is very personal and brave, we just do it more subtly.

Famous artists, scientists, writers, people with many types of very successful careers have been introverts. So if one of us volunteers to help you paint your house, because it is totally not located where our ride should be landing, and we don’t not not want to miss it-let us, we’ll show our appreciation, and skill, by doing a damn good job.

  1. They Open Their Mouths

Opening your mouth, not for food, is hard. In fact we’re prone to closing it right away, because why? But it takes so much willpower just to open it. Appreciate that, it’s a big step. Encourage us, it’s much easier to get to know us that way.

Shutting up, letting us talk, and just listening is the greatest gift you could ever give us.

  1. Words Come Out of It

Holy m***** f****** b**** a** m***** f***** f*** yeah on a s*** sandwich because they’re the s*** they actually f****** do you b**** a** m***** f******. I’m sorry, my PTSD, participation points! Take me home!!!

And when they do, it’s a big deal. The gates of hell open, and Satan goes up to visit Jesus in Heaven, where they have brunch and Satan says that he’s considering going back to church. Then he gets drunk on Moses’ Mimoseses and flips the table.

If we’re brave enough to talk, to you, it’s a big deal. Don’t shut us down, you are our new friend, or we’re drunk, or we finally had, and realized, anyway, let us keep talking.

  1. They Make You Laugh

Did you know that the chili parlor/whore house was called the squirts? You do now. Once you get through to an introvert, and they trust you, they’re quite entertaining. You’ll actually want them around, in your environs.

And they don’t have to drink, around you, anymore! We have so many surprising and useful sets of skills- that are very particular. We’ve led so many lives. Just give us a chance and you can find out about all our shenanigans during them.

  1. They’re There for You, Ride to Die

You like us? You’re not tired of us? You don’t think we have autism? Bless you good sir or ma’am, or however you identify! We’re filing the paperwork to take you back to our home planet! However can we repay you? By being the bestest friend, lover, enemy, Jewish tax accountant- we’ll convert, or occasional taxidermist ever.

We got you, we understand, where am I? There, before you were even here, which is there, which where you were going to be, over there. Here, where I am, before you-emotional teleportation, it’s a thing.

Whatever we can do to help, we volunteer, we’re your biggest fans. We’ll never ever leave you, we’ll help you finish your novel, moving on.

  1. They Become Your Spymaster

Introverts are the ninjas of psychology, parties, getting past “security settings” on Facebook, not being noticed walking down the street. We know where Carmen San Diego is, she does not want to be bothered. And is really good at Yahtzee.

We hear things, besides just knowing things. If we like you, and they’ll help, we’ll tell you. Do you think your significant other is cheating? Let me, you should be single again. Is that guy eating a ham sandwich? Hold on I have to ask him since I did your taxes for you. He is, he recommends it.

We can’t let you into our introvert world completely, you probably would not be able to handle it. But we can give you a very useful glimpse. And make it useful for you.

So, do we like you? If we’ve done at least three of these things and have known you for at least a year, yes. But what if not? Well, we could just be warming up to you. Or, not. Find out next week in, part two, signs an introvert doesn’t like you.

Yes Marsha, of course, Jerry, what are you? When did this happen, Steve! Steve! I know they better be getting married. No, unless you have snacks. It has- frosted animal crackers with sprinkles, well, Steve? No, the animal crackers. Steve, no, go look on Jerry’s computer. Men, oh hi Phil! I know, she is, crap there she is, hi Jennifer. Animal crackers?

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