Hello, and welcome back to our educational series on the current bane of our society- sexual harassment. In our last installment Steve learned to ask if he could grope someone first on pain of having his now sensitive genitals attacked by a schmoked up Feminist Honey Badger, again.
Pissy Jenny: We also learned that I’m not racist
Slow down Pissy Jenny, we haven’t quite figured that out yet, consent, interrogative words consent? There are two main ways people consent- verbally and nonverbally. Here’s a verbal example.
Mary Sue: Did you notice that I also have beautiful eyes Steve?
Here’s a nonverbal example.
Steve: Oh look how comfortable you are with me, not saying no, trusting me, and knowing me for a while.
Pissy Jenny: Yeah, I know right.
Mary Sue: Mental agreement!
Pissy Jenny: Oxymorons save lives.
There are many ways to verbally consent to intercourse or attention that may lead to intercourse, here are some not- drunk examples.
–Steve: I like you Mary Sue.
Mary Sue: As do I, we should make out.
–Mary Sue: I think that you are handsome and sexy.
Steve: My penis is ready.
–Steve: Hey, do you want to have sex?
Mary Sue: My vagina is ready.
–Steve: I think that we should have sex.
Mary Sue: My vagina and limbic system would probably like and enjoy that.
–Mary Sue: Gee Steve, it’s been awhile since I’ve been to Pound Town, could you assist me with getting there?
Steve: How fast and smooth or roughly do you want to get there? Here’s a form.
Here are some drunk examples.
–Steve: I think that you’re hot and have a penis Steve’s Cousin.
Mary Sue: This is true.
–Steve Cousin: What a lovely vagina you must have.
Mary Sue: That’s right bitch.
–Steve: Do you like my t***?
Mary Sue: I want to go brpph in them.
–Steve: I want to expletive things to you because we’ve used t**** a lot already.
Mary Sue: That’s right bitch.
–Mary Sue: I want to sloppily make out with your face and ride you like a horse.
Here are “I’m so horny I can’t think straight” examples.
–Mary Sue: I’m so horny I can’t think straight.
Steve: Maybe my penis can help not make you a lesbian.
Pissy Jenny: Not that there’s anything wrong with that.
–Steve: Your, expletive is distracting me you ravishing sexy woman.
Mary Sue: The right one or the, oh right, poop!
–Mary Sue: I need to get pounded hard all night long with your penis Steve.
Steve: That can be arranged.
–Steve: Do you require penis you metaphorically dirty girl?
Mary Sue: Yes, but there is still nothing wrong with being a Lesbian and I am not racist.
–Steve: Fun fact, I have an erection.
Mary Sue: Oh my, that must be distracting.
You may be asking yourself, gee, what quality verbal examples, but what about nonverbal examples and shouldn’t they take place in a place?
Mary Sue: Holy crap Pissy Jenny, we are in a place!
Pissy Jenny: You should try that entire shelf of liquor and see what happens Boudica.
Mary Sue: You’re back from your tropical vacation with the pack of wolves!
Pissy Jenny: It’s okay, you’re transgender, everyone has to like you.
Mary Sue: This is just like Vanderpump Rules Yay!
Gee, I wonder what those pack of wolves from our mandatory or else educational series “How to be a Woman” series are doing?
Wolf 1: Growl.
Wolf 2: Growl!
Wolf 3: Growl.
Who doesn’t love looking at pictures of yourself in them on a vacation you, yourself, went on? Not wolves apparently, uh oh it looks like someone had a few too many drinks by their suddenly private pool. Lets check back in at the place.
Mary Sue: S*** is going down!
Steve: I know, it’s hard to flirt with you over the sound of a Transgendered Cross Dressing Bear and Schmoked up Feminist Honey Badger fighting to the death.
Mary Sue: You were flirting with me? A Transgendered Cross Dressing Bear and a Schmoked up Feminist Honey Badger are fighting each other to the death.
Pissy Jenny: I am rooting for one of you! Oh, hello Steve’s Cousin.
Steve’s Cousin: I still exist too.
The Scientist: The honey badger, you can’t-
Pissy Jenny: Oh my God you look like s*** but I still want a martini.
The Scientist: I wear a lot of hats.
Pissy Jenny: The place is a bar.
Steve’s Cousin: Weren’t you-
Pissy Jenny: Yes, Ursula chugged an entire bottle of Rumplemintz and attacked me here once, all the martinis!
As you can see with Pissy Jenny being racist and ordering all of the martinis, nonverbal consent is complicated and not always noticed. Also, Mary Sue and Steve said words. But what did they say, non-verbally?
Steve was flirting with his wife, but she failed to notice because the omnipotent narrator is purposely failing to intervene because omnipotent narrator wants to live, and also, life, hustle bustle, her thoughts- Mary Sue just isn’t in the moment.
Mary Sue: I wish I could be more in this moment, not that moment.
Steve: Yes, a bar stool just narrowly missed your head saving your life.
Mary Sue: LOL.
Steve: Scooching closer to you.
Mary Sue: I am doing the-
Mary Sue: Ursula should demand a truce.
Steve: That seems like a good idea, leaning in.
Mary Sue: My face is reddening.
Steve: Mine too.
Mary Sue: I could just be very alarmed with the precarious situation we are in right now.
Or are you flirting, non-verbally back Mary Sue? Not every physical, non-verbal hint that seems consenting is actually, hold on, I’ll just-
Present Boudica with a salmon and pretend to be friends. That’s better, now back to education.
Steve: You have a face that I am touching.
Mary Sue: Hrmphrmmph.
That’s right Mary Sue, you most likely would be responsive to more physical affection.
Mary Sue: Rmphm.
Pissy Jenny: I want to make out with your face Steve’s Cousin.
Steve’s Cousin: Gee, thanks all the martinis!
The Scientist: I couldn’t cut her off or be alarmed with the great speed and alacrity that she drank them because science.
And also, this. Just because someone consents or gives in to you, does that mean you should have sex with them? Find out next time in “People You Shouldn’t Have Sex With”.
Mary Sue: Prhmppphrpmh.
Pissy Jenny: Me am not racist still me thinks you b****.