deep thoughts, feelings, humans, life, Life Advice, self help, Tips, Uncategorized, understanding

Sexual Harassment

The Basics

Mary Sue: Gee Pissy Jenny, you know what I just noticed?

Pissy Jenny: Was that a rhetorical question?

Mary Sue: No and you’re racist, both of us have boobs.

Pissy Jenny: And apparently mine are racist.

Mary Sue: Well you are white.

Steve: What’s that, who has white, racist boobs? I like boobs.

Mary Sue: Stop sexually harassing her even though she’s racist Steve.

Sexual Harassment, the taint of our society. Everyone is horny, painfully horny, feeling blue. And those balls won’t stay on the wall. Those hands won’t keep to themselves, the cats will call. But fortunately there’s a way to recognize the signs, and prevent, enlighten people on the onslaught to civility and decorum that is, sexual harassment.

Pissy Jenny: The bear is around here somewhere, isn’t, he, she, the it?

Steve: Wow Pissy Jenny, you are racist.

Signs, the world is full of them. Signs warn of danger, traffic, the truth, restaurants and hotels convenient to highway travels, whether or not photography is allowed, and also, where famous people were born and/or lived!

And what’s a big issue to Oprah, a famous person? Sexual harassment, that’s what. What exactly is sexual harassment, or sexual harassment-ish? Take this scenario for instance.

Mary Sue: Hello Steve.

Steve: Hello Mary Sue’s ta-tas that are down there, brrrg!

Mary Sue: Do I have to sleep with you if I want to keep my job?

Steve: Yes, and food you, a toxic pejorative relating to female sexuality.

Mary Sue: Like whore or slut?

Steve: Or a plethora of others, you are smart and have a vagina that intimidates me.

Mary Sue: America!

What was that? Blatant sexual harassment, however, sexual harassment will often be much less blatant and subtle.

Mary Sue: Good a time of day Steve.

Steve: A veiled micro-aggression aimed at your Vagina Mary Sue.

More subtle.

Mary Sue: Steve.

Steve: Woman!

Even more subtle

Mary Sue: St-

Steve: You can get pregnant and you’re not my mother or sister, you are fired.

Subtle.

Mary Sue: S-

Steve: What’s up t***? I’m possibly kidding, no I’m not, yes I am, no I’m, returns to the phallic shadows.

Close enough, there are also situations that aren’t or could possibly be sexual harassment.

Mary Sue: Oh, look it is my friend Steve.

Steve: Indeed, ‘tis I, and you have boobs.

Is this sexual harassment, or a truthful observation? It’s oddly placed and unsolicited, but true.

Mary Sue: Oh look dash.

Steve: Indeed, ‘tis I, and you have t***.

This also true, but the language and word choice is, and now it’s, oh look apparently Steve has skipped ahead.

Mary Sue: Steve is inspecting them.

Steve: Science, do you want to go out with me?

Mary Sue: No.

Steve: Now?

Mary Sue: Still no.

Steve: Stop playing hard to get.

Pissy Jenny: You two are married, don’t you, start skulking over here and I will shank you with feminism.

Steve: You whore, what does skulk mean?

Pissy Jenny: You have a c*** d***face.

Mary Sue: More science!

And speaking of science, here’s a scientist to help explain to you the signs of sexual harassment.

Scientist: Hello, as a scientist, and not racist, I am here to tell you the signs of sexual harassment. And here to help is Boudica the Feminist Honey Badger. How is my grandma Boudica?

Boudica: Snarl!

Scientist: Reparations, the first sign of sexual harassment is that it’s nonconsensual, unwanted. Did I want Boudica to dig up the remains of my deceased beloved grandmother to consume them, then just poop them out somewhere probably in my house later? No, in fact I told her not to but I was overpowered and wanted to live. Which is another sign of sexual harassment, a power imbalance.

And also, a pictures of me photoshopped onto this sashimi menu and not so veiled threats that I am next.  I am also powerless to report this, and/or would be punished for doing so.

Boudica: Snarl?

Scientist: Not grandpa!

Boudica: Snarl?

Scientist: Yes, I want to keep my job, I’ll go find the shovel.

Thank you, a scientist for explaining to us the signs of sexual harassment. What did we learn from the scientist?

  1. Never Trust a Honey Badger.
  2. Check the Honey Badger’s References.
  3. Do a Background Check on the Honey Badger.
  4. Don’t Tell the Honey Badger Where You Live.
  5. Don’t Pay the Honey Badger in Espresso and Schmosmaine.
  6. Honey Badger is a Language We All Should Learn.

What are Steve and Mary Sue’s t*** up to?

Mary Sue: I’m being objectified.

Steve: I also like your butt Mary Sue.

Pissy Jenny: This should bother me but I accidentally overheard something about a coked up Honey Badger.

Those rumors are wrong Pissy Jenny, there isn’t a, oh crap.

Steve: Ow, ow!

Mary Sue: Thank you goddess of feminism!

Pissy Jenny: Mary Sue could have been doing the same thing to you and it would still be sexual harassment Steve.

Steve: I’m reformed now!

Boudica: Snarl?

Pissy Jenny: Oh no, he’s certainly reformed now, I question nothing anymore.

Boudica: Snarl.

Pissy Jenny: Thank you that was a non-sexually harassing compliment.

Boudica: Snarl?

Pissy Jenny: No thank you, I don’t even do the espresso. Hahaha, we’re all, hahaha, laughing.

Steve: Ow, ow, ahhh!

Well that’s it for this edition of “Sexual Harassment” tune in next time when we discuss Objectification. Someone wants the bear back, who is that crying, can someone, who has the shovel?

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confidence, deep thoughts, feelings, How to, important questions, life, Life Advice, thoughts, Tips, Uncategorized

Resolutions

According to science, a percentage of people keep New Years Resolutions, and a percentage don’t. This percentage adds up to 100%, which is a lot. Do you want to be in the percentage that keeps their resolutions? Does a bear in a KGB hat secretly run Russia from the woods? Seriously, does a bear, we all want to know.

Make Sure it Matters To You

You could smoke less crack, but do you really want to smoke less crack? Do you enjoy smoking the amount of crack that you do now? Then you probably won’t smoke less crack. If your resolution really matters to you, you will keep it. If it doesn’t, Cracktown here your come.

Everyone needs to have a now or never, or else realization if they want to reach their goals.

Be Accountable

Being accountable is everything, you need someone you can’t lie to, someone who gives it to you straight and likes it straight. Your metaphorical Vladimir Putin, that will not out up with any of your crap, and thinks that whatever your crack is, is whack. And knows whether or not a bear in a KGB hat secretly runs Russia from the woods.

Consequences

Do you want to stop smoking crack, do you have your metaphorical Vladimir Putin? Good, get ready for consequences. All actions have them, including inactions, inactions are technically actions metaphorically. You want to smoke less crack tomorrow? Your metaphorical Vladimir Putin will make sure you get on that smoking less crack right away and have tapes of you doing things in a hotel room.

Will Power

If you don’t want those tapes of you doing things in a hotel room to get out, you need willpower. It’s the opposite of fear. Anyone can have it, even if your name isn’t will, you can also be fired at if you’re not will. Look yourself in the mirror and say “No, I will not smoke less crack metaphorically, I will stop.” And not replace it with metaphorical some other vice.

No one wants those tapes getting out.

Be Motivated

Everyone needs support, not just willpower. Willpower can be a driving force, but that force can drive faster if you’re being chased by a pack of wolves, metaphorically, and a metaphorical cyborg metaphorical Putin.

Everyone needs a kick in the pants to metaphorically hand over the crack, and admit they could do better, be better, achieve, do, not just imagine or think. There’s a time to metaphorically literally, in a metaphorical sense, to be active, not passive.

Sadly, this isn’t your first response. What’s your first response, meta, literally, a lee? Inertia. Inertia is the enemy. Find someone or something to knock you out of it.

Resolutions can be hard to keep, some people don’t even make them- which can be a percentage of 100%, which is a number, that should be lower. But remember, whatever your goal is, there’s a metaphorical cyborg Vladimir Putin and a pack of wolves for everyone. Oh look a, it’s…it spotted me.

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Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer is the story of Rudolph, the next step in Reindeer evolution who is mocked for his otherness by the conformist, supplicant society that he was born into. The head of which is the All-Powerful Santa, who lives in a castle, and reigns over his subjects who live in caves, or less castle like abodes.

Summary

Rudolph is born to Donner and Mrs. Donner, two of the Santa’s subjects who serve him and do his will. Rudolph is exceptionally intelligent at birth, and he is praised- until his glowing red mutated nose is discovered.

Mrs. Donner doesn’t mind, wants to overlook it and accept her child for who he is. But her husband disagrees, and when Santa sees it he explicitly says his nose will bar him from future employment. It is covered up against his will so that he blends in, is normal- doesn’t embarrass him. Rudolph will “…get used to it.”

Rudolph learns the ins and outs of being a reindeer from his dad, who finally approves of him- and to beware The Abominable, the monster who hates everything that he, the head of the house stands for. And every other good citizen in Christmas Town.

Meanwhile, the elves, lorded over by Head Elf, are making toys, it’s the only thing they’re good for. And Hermey, who has other aspirations and doesn’t hold the same values, is called “boy”, and mocked for wanting to be a dentist- not the simple manufacturing duties that elves are only good for. By his own people, who have fallen for a self-fulfilling prophecy of being simple and subservient.

Hermey’s attitude is contagious. When Rudolph complains that his fake nose is uncomfortable, that he cannot breathe, Donner makes an excellent point. “There are more important things than comfort, self-respect.” Which he ruins by basing this noble truth on Rudolph being unobjectionable now.

When Rudolph is inspected and tested by Santa, he is accepted. He’s normal, in fact so normal a  fawn named Clarice is interested in him, his dad calls him “my little bud”, Aryan blonde Fireball welcomes him, wants to be his buddy, show off in front of the does with him, man stuff.

During this ritual of humiliation disguised and glorified as a cherished custom, Hermey is skipping Elf Practice, refusing to entertain the “Number One Citizens”, and refusing to glorify a job that he hates. Santa thinks their song needs work but Mrs. Claus, the mother figure disagrees, saves the day, chastises the patriarchy. But when she runs after “Papa”, it’s terrible again.

And what was Hermey doing while not being the tenor? He was fixing a doll’s teeth- helping, attempting to do his job, appease his boss and Santa. He thought he found a way to fit in but is promptly told that he never will. So he refuses to go to practice just can’t learn to go “hee, hee ho, ho,” “chuckle warmly”, which is “…important stuff”.

It is then that Hermey finally realizes he is alone and skips town. Preferring to face the uncertain and harsh North Pole wilderness than stay is a certain and harsh Christmas Town any longer.

While Hermey walks off into the snow to die Fireball is teaching Rudolph how to sexualize Does, which leads to Rudolph showing off for Clarice, and getting excited, becoming a buck- in fact, he gets so excited his fake normal nose falls off. If that’s not an entry into puberty, the awkwardness of early manhood, what is?

Fireball demands that Rudolph get away from him, and everyone every one mocks him. Santa says Donner should be ashamed of himself, but he had a nice takeoff, the best take off. Clarice remains his ally though and encourages him. But when Clarice’s dad sees his nose he demands that Clarice goes home immediately, and makes one thing very plain.

“No doe of mine is going to be seen with a red-nosed reindeer.” Rudolph then has his ah, hah moment, and realizes that there is nothing wrong with him. He and Hermey meet and run off together.

Along the way, they run into Yukon Cornelius, “The Greatest Prospector, in the North”, and all the land and gold is his. He also could get real sled dogs and treat them better, whip them less, than the clearly non-sled dog he has.

Which makes him a strange, fickle and slightly drunk ally, for Rudolph and Hermey, but a ride is a ride. Of course, they run into the Abominable- but Cornelius knows his weakness- he can’t walk on water, which is how they escape.

What have the Donners been doing? Donner has been realizing that he could have been better parents. And Donner does “Man’s work”, goes out to look for Rudolph, while Mrs. Donner and Clarice, rejecting their passive roles, follow.

But Rudolph is very far away now. He and his companions have landed on the island of Misfit Toys, who are all refugees. Where they are Misfits themselves, outsiders, for not being toys. Which is hypocritically ruled over by a non-toy, King Moon Raiser- the flying lion savior of Misfit Toys.

Who is based on the ancient mythological Sphinx, which began as a protector spirit, but became the wise, all-knowing, trickster, of Greek mythology in later years. Making him the perfect, misunderstood misfit.

Yukon Cornelius even says “…Even among misfits you’re a misfit.” But they are accepted as allies in their struggle, given a purpose. They are tasked with telling Santa that his imperfect toys need homes, “Because a toy is never really happy until it’s been loved by a child.”

They plan to leave together, but Rudolph sneaks away in the night, to accomplish the task by himself. This is when Rudolph grows up, and returns home a man. To find his family gone- and Donner was supposed to get Santa’s sleigh off the ground!

Rudolph returns to the wilderness to find them and is near death when his friends find him again. They rescue the women- Donner doesn’t need rescuing and subdue the Abominable. By removing his teeth, literally and metaphorically. Sadly though, Yukon Cornelius sacrifices himself. But they don’t have time to mourn because the women need to get back to Christmas Town.

Now that their skills are useful, they literally and figuratively survive the storm, they are finally accepted in Christmas Town. Who else comes back? Yukon Cornelius, with the reformed Abominable, who is now called Bumble- who puts the star on the Christmas tree.

But even the most reformed Bumble can’t stop the storm. Santa finally notices Rudolph’s “ That beautiful, wonderful nose”, and asks Rudolph to lead the team, save Christmas. While Donner swears he knew that nose would be useful someday, now that Rudolph has been, accepted, approved- good for something.

Donner looks up and says “That’s my Bud!”, from the ground, a sign of how he’s been humbled and isn’t needed anymore. Rudolph is a buck now.

But their Sept. 12th doesn’t end there, the refugee Misfit Toys are rescued and resettled, Yukon Cornelius finds a peppermint mine, and love wins!

Analysis

Rudolph is Jesus

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer is rife with symbolism and mythology, Rudolph is the revolutionary figurehead, bringer of a new, better Christmas Town order- and also clearly Jesus. He literally ascends to the heavens for the children and is emotionally crucified.

Born in humble conditions, he journeys into the wilderness by himself, much like Jesus did for 40 days. Rudolph contends with the Abominable, while Jesus contended with Satan. He is also willing to sacrifice himself for his friends. And where does he run into Hermey? By the water, after which Hermey starts following him.

His relationship with his mother is also better, stronger. The relationship that he has with his father is much more curt, akin to a working relationship. Who showed up at the cross, who let her son live at home until he was 30? Who got more, and positive attention?

Mary did, Mary also readily accepted Jesus while Joseph doubted Mary and the entire situation, but eventually came around- much like a certain reindeer.

His Disciples

Hermey and Yukon Cornelius serve as his disciples, they save and assist him on several occasions, Rudolph sacrifices himself for them Hermey is Peter, he is the head non-conformist right after Rudolph. Peter headed the church, and Hermey got his dental office.

And where does Jesus meet Peter? He meets Peter by water. Hermey also has some Luke like aspects, Luke was a doctor, Hermey is a dentist, both are healers. Hermey is also portrayed ever so slightly effeminately, like John.

Yukon Cornelius is Matthew. Why, he overcame is greed and ambition, decided to follow Jesus immediately. After quitting his job as a tax collector- working with gold, money. Matthew is also known visually by his beard in Christian iconography.

In addition, Cornelius is a direct reference to the first gentile convert to Christianity, a Roman general named Cornelius.

The Christian symbolism doesn’t end there though, the symbol of Mark is a winged lion- royalty, and power. All of which can be used to describe King Moonraiser.

Names

Names are never random in a story, especially this one. Clarice means bright, shining, gentle clear. While Donner means loud or irascible. What does Rudolph mean? It means “fame-wolf”, which seems like random nonsense, but what is Rudolph? The metaphorical wolf without a pack, searching for a pack, who stands out.

Themes

Racism

Color is a prominent theme. White, lightness is good, looked up to. Santa is white, lives in a castle with purple walls. Purple is the color of royalty and not the color of the dark brown reindeer. Being lighter is good, Clarice is lighter and lusted after, Rudolph’s mom is lighter. Fireball is noticeably blonde and popular. Being lighter is beautiful, an advantage.

While being darker and different looking, like Rudolph is bad. So bad no one wants to be associated with him, Clarice can’t see him. He’s just too different.

Conformity and Otherness

Rudolph is also rife with the dangers of conformity and the suffering of otherness. Useful otherness is shunned in the name of conformity, they don’t need a dentist at the North Pole, it never gets dark? Otherness is not seen as the gift it can be, but a curse. If you don’t blend in, go with the program, fill your gender or racial role you are out.

Unless those skills are useful, of course. Which they forcibly become for Rudolph & Hermey.

Feminine vs. Masculine

There is also a strong juxtaposition between masculine and feminine. The masculine, power, in charge elements of the story, demean Rudolph, and every misfit ever. But the feminine elements and characters are the exact opposite. Love is more important than acceptance, conformity. They also openly defy their roles, fight back- in a more subtle way.

Although this seems unnoticed, who has to get back to the North Pole? The Women, because without them there would be no more does, babies, sopranos at Elf Practice. It’s their job, place, to be supportive and motherly. Which has been, and always will be a double-edged sword.

Greed, Consumerism

Greed and consumerism is openly expressed in Rudolph as being bad- even by the white narrator snowman, and silly. Yukon Cornelius is bumbling around, changing his mind about what he’s after- while not noticing his dogs are clearly not sled dogs. Symbolizing the flimsy, unreliable foundations of capitalism.

The Island of Misfit Toys is another example, they are discarded, unwanted, and flawed. The children deserve better. They aren’t rejects, mistakes like those toys. Santa has to be reminded of their existence, and he created them in the first place. Doesn’t it seem like everyone who creates problems today has to be reminded to be responsible, resolve them anymore, to not forget their literal and metaphorical refugees.

Love, Acceptance

Love is a powerful force, it makes you do crazy things. Just to be accepted, loved, liked- it helps you rationalize with hiding who you really are, lying, thinking you’re helping by making someone do that.

When love really is accepting someone, loving them for who they really are, like Mrs. Donner, not Donner. When Rudolph and his disciples are denied this, they are at their lowest point. But when they do eventually get it, whatever the cost- they are happy.

Even the toys realize that they need to be loved, that they are nothing without it.

The Cost of Acceptance

Not to say that all men are evil and racist, cold enforcers of the unjust and uncaring “natural order”, just in this movie. But do they have a point? Is conformity bad, or good, does having the power make you right, not having it wrong?

And what of the Abominable? Who will challenge the authority of the ruling powers now, is the Abominable happy, “cured”? Seeing him bumble around is funny, but does he miss his own personal agency and resent bumbling around, want his teeth back? Everyone needs teeth. And everyone, whether they like it or not, needs a dream and perceptions crushing, question raising, Abominable.

Life, especially in Christmas Town, is a tricky thing. A tricky thing which everyone navigates through using the metaphorical eyes of Rudolph. Fight the power.

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deep thoughts, extroverts, feelings, humans, important questions, introverts, Life Advice, psychology, thoughts, Uncategorized

Extremes

Everyone has feelings, this is an unavoidable fact. But there is hope, you can have just enough feelings, and/or know when to control them, let logic win, and let feelings lose. Emotionality and passion, especially when it’s excessive is overrated- which is a fact very few people understand or remember anymore.

Having too many uncontrollable feelings is in, more than ever before! You need to find something to be angry about, a cause a purpose. It’s a drive you just cannot control, like never ever, what is reality? And rationality, another R-word, isn’t that offensive?

At this point the bullying, peer pressure kicks in. Being an –ist and saying mean things on Twitter starts “productive” arguments that totally should happen because justice. And the millions of other people who fall into this trap.

Being the sane one, who remembers that they’re individuals, who have hearts and brains- the things that make you think before you rush to judgment because you’re just an authority on like everything, is rare. You can usually be found hiding, avoiding conflict, or only letting your cat judge you.

Because good look trying to convince an extreme person, with an addictive personality and righteousness complex that they’re wrong. Or remind them that everyone doesn’t like them, or agree with them, or that there’s more to the world than them.

And that their belief don’t make them better than everyone else, and they could be wrong. God, the truth, Jesus, or who, whatever being on your side doesn’t mean you have to win, get your way all the time. That’s childish and unrealistic.

Which is why they have to form little cliques and groups to have friends, label themselves oppressed outsiders when they really aren’t. Upper and middle-class college students who constantly, and unnecessarily apologize for slavery are not oppressed. But they might actually be poor themselves, because college.

These groups then go on to be even more fervent, and evangelize- whether or not they’re religious, and draw people in. To help their cause, change the world- and granted, the world can be a pretty messed up place, but the changes you’d like to see aren’t always right for everyone, who also live on earth, and have rights. And don’t want you in their business all the time.

Also, if you’re the one making everyone else look worse, attacking people, who is the real monster? It is impossible to ever convince someone 100% that they’re wrong, but when it comes to angry, self-righteous people who are just loud, and shout to prove their points- this percentage is much closer to the square root of negative one.

When it comes to most other people though, who feel no need to shout and proclaim that they’re oppressed to communicate their thoughts and opinions- they do not really care that much. Some are just trying to survive, get by, not start things.

They’d rather get along, and not always understand, but try not to judge. In truth, most of the population does not care who you sleep with, what you eat- unless it’s babies and kittens, or how, where you worship. It’s not their business, does not affect them.

As long as you’re not openly an –ist, especially to them.

But if it does, then communicate better, more reasonably, justly- babies and kittens are innocent, they need to be protected. Because when it comes down to it, they have bothered to learn the difference between righteousness and self-righteousness.

Martin Luther King was righteous, the people who looted and tried to burn down cities after he was martyred were not. Why? What did the mattresses at Sears do? Justice was served, calm down.

It seems hard to tell the difference between righteousness and self-righteousness, but there are ways. Here are three different scenarios.

Scenario 1

Marsha and Brenda, two transgendered lesbians who identify as sheep, are approached by the pastor of the Westboro Baptist Church regarding their life choices and proclivities. The good Christian pastor berates them and tells them that they’re going to hell unless they find Jesus.

Meanwhile, Marsha and Brenda just enjoy the show and eat their gelato. Who was being self-righteous?

The pastor, what did Marsha and Brenda do to incite him, who started it? And who just ignored the situation and didn’t give it any attention which is a sound strategy for most situations. You give something more power by feeding it.

Scenario 2

Jimmy Carter is at a Bar Mitzvah, during the joyous dancing he exclaims that Israel is oppressing Palestine. This starts an argument with the Rabbi, who is being self-righteous?

Jimmy Carter is most at fault. Israel could be doing better with Palestine, but does anyone at that Bar Mitzvah have anything to do with that? The Rabbi could be self-righteous as well, but is defending yourself when confronted ever really self-righteous?

No, it’s a natural response. There is an art to do it effectively and eloquently though.

Scenario 3

Marsha, Brenda, the pastor of the Westboro Baptist Church, Jimmy Carter, and the Rabbi walk into a bar. The Rabbi and the Pastor join the astronaut who have been waiting for them. Leaving Jimmy Carter with the transgendered lesbians who identify as sheep.

Jimmy Carter is uncomfortable and tries to make conversation. When Jimmy gets up to the bathroom Marsha and Brenda start talking smack about him. Jimmy overhears this on the way back to the table, and confronts them, by talking smack about them back with the astronaut.

The Rabbi and the Pastor advise them to calm down, stop acting like children. It is unbecoming of them. They retort by boycotting the bar and talking in a nasty manner about the pastor and rabbi on Facebook. They were mansplaining and oppressing them. Who is being self-righteous?

Everyone else except the Pastor and the Rabbi, they were trying to actually help, offer advice. You can’t let Jimmy Carter, an Astronaut, and two transgendered lesbians who identify as sheep argue in public, who knows what will happen.

Everyone else was caught up in “me, me, me”, while the Pastor and Rabbi saw the big picture. Which is never racist or sexist.

Now that you recognize the signs and symptoms of extreme, self-righteous people with toxic addictive personalities- you are officially not crazy. And have a point, matter, and can stand up for yourself by staying far, far away. So congratulations on knowing and realizing that high fives from Jesus don’t cure you of homosexuality, and being an individual with multiple bodily organs that you know how to use!

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Cthulhumas

Deep in the Ocean one Nov.16th,

Cthulhu was gritting his teeth.

Why was he doing this you ask?

He was arm wrestling Jesus-

and thought he was up to the task.

But Jesus had been a carpenter,

so he had guns-

sadly our Lord of the Deep had none.

Cthulhu was mad,

and the surface world was about to be very sad,

when Jesus came in with the steal-

why not visit the surface you so wish to destroy,

before it goes down for real?

So Cthulhu pondered, snacked on a baby-

and when he woke up the next day he thought maybe,

I will give peace a chance-

along with enjambment.

Then Cthulhu got another idea,

why not bring all my friends from here,

to there,

hang out with Jesus with me-

so you see,

he sent Jesus a text.

And on Nov. 17th,

what did the surface see next?

Cthulhu, king of the sea,

and his two friends, not three.

Why two not three?

Who knows?

But up from the sea came the ghost of Jacques Costeau-

riding Blarg the Angler Fish,

their guiding light-

don’t look at his face,

it will give you quite a fright.

Who else would come, who should?

Why Natalie Wood!

Riding Kaitlin the Seahorse,

her trusty steed-

but there was something Kaitlin would need.

Natalie, resplendent in all her sea foam,

went to all the children’s homes,

to ask if they had seashells to spare

for Kaitlyn’s bridle-

just a few, her demands weren’t too wild.

And the good children who gave some

were given Swedish fish,

fulfilling their every Cthulhumas wish

and the children who didn’t were given pufferfish.

While all of their parents joyously caroled

on their way to prostate and pleed,

to get down on their hands and knees-

to beg Cthulhu to save their coastal cities

because Global warming-

and without warning

Cthulhu said he’d consider it,

if he was presented with more Cheddar Bay Biscuits,

from his favorite restaurant Red Lobster-

Cthulhu isn’t a total monster.

And everyone was sad, they cried,

how will we bake all those Cheddar Bay Biscuits in time?

Blarg saw their fear and their tears,

and cried as well,

and little did they know,

that in his native dark, watery hell-

Blarg cried special tears and sobs,

and as he sang over them his magic Blarg song

they turned into cheddar bay biscuits-

which they gave to Cthulhu,

but they still knew

not to look at Blarg’s face, or in his dead eyes.

he still did a good job with the Cheddar Bay Biscuits-

what a great grotesquely ugly fish guy!

As the ghost of Jacques Costeau made it rain sardines-

as if from the sky.

Cthulhu was pleased,

in fact so very much appeased

that the Netherlands would live,

hip, hip hooray!

and also New Orleans,

and other port cities by oceans and bays.

Cthulu decrees that this was a party, feast, celebration-

and with great elation,

Cthulhu got white girl wasted!

And when he woke up,

he went to brunch,

and started to remember how much fun he had-

oh so much.

In fact Blarg and Kaitlin accidentally-

he thought he should do this again,

every year.

Which is why the Dark Lord of the Ocean that you

normally fear comes every November 17th,

for his tribute and Cthulhumas feast.

Proclaiming how much he loves Jews.

Why you ask?

Well, it wasn’t in the news.

In his spiked chariot driven by a school of lobsters.

Which is 8,

the student to teacher ratio is great.

Bringing his friends the ghost of Jacques Costeau

and Natalie Wood,

we always leave her some seashells,

trust me, we really should.

And why facing the sea,

we grovel and beg-

those levees in Bangladesh are on their last leg.

But when Cthulhu is appeased-

guess who gets to feast on sardines?

So as Jesus and we count down the days

until he goes to see his friend

in the watery grave,

the depths of the sea,

to arm wrestle with him-

and just between you and me,

our Kraken king looks forward to losing,

so he can visit us on the surface,

his followers so very, very penitent and amusing,

who leave him Cheddar Bay Biscuits

and Tequila,

wouldn’t that give even Jesus a

good reason to come see ya?

Boss: You’re not getting off early Friday to save your spot in line for the Justice League premiere.

Me: You intolerant, racist bastard.

Boss: That Batman T-shirt is very professional.

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deep thoughts, feelings, life, poem, poetry, Uncategorized

Coconuts Migrate

If coconuts can migrate why can’t the Spanish

Inquisition burst through my door while I

silly walk to safety and jump the English

Channel, and end up in a strange country where my mother

would be a hamster and my father would smell of

elderberries?

 

If coconuts can migrate why  I can’t fly like a

European swallow and see Norwegian

Blues pinin’ for fjords, and laugh at

men who own empty cheese shops?

 

If coconuts can migrate why can’t I go to Village

Idiot conventions and run away from Rabbits?

Or say that I’m not like the other children

but I’m okay?

 

But alas, reality is my king. Help, help!

I’m being oppressed.

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deep thoughts, feelings, humans, life, poem, poetry, Uncategorized

I Want to see a Tiger

I want to be thrown out of a plane,

land painfully on my ass

in the middle of the jungle

and hear a grr reverberate off the trees,

see the Cobras look worried-

and stare the beast straight in the face.

 

I want to run through the woods,

ask a silverback gorilla for directions-

and try not to leave a trackable trail of urine.

 

I want to have to remember how to breathe,

try to hyperventilate quietly

and hope that it’s not lurking out there.

 

I want to not sleep for days,

get eaten by bugs,

and sneak away when it goes to take a piss.

 

I want to follow the river to the closest village-

that hopefully has wifi,

call my family,

tell them that the jungle is great,

 

and spend all my money on a plane ticket home.

I want to sit on a plane,

just stare at the clouds and laugh-

then drink myself to sleep.

 

I want to come off the plane,

to arms,

and then just look their owners in the eye and say

“I have seen some shit.”

I want to lay in my bed,

look up at the ceiling,

and think,

nothing exciting ever happens anymore.

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