deep thoughts, extroverts, feelings, How to, humans, important questions, introverts, Life Advice, psychology, Uncategorized

How to Argue, Part 3

Once upon a time, people didn’t know how to make fire. Until one day someone figured it out, people just shut up and listened, and everyone knew how to be warm, cook stuff, and purify water. Note that no one claimed that they had the idea first or fire was a gift from the gods so they should be thanked, and if you don’t, you’ll die and don’t deserve it, because, logic. And if no one agreed with them, racism.

But if someone did, that person was then offered to a Sabertooth tiger as a snack, hopefully.

Traps

This wasn’t the first trick or trap, in fact there are far too many, and we all know someone, or several people, who should be mauled by a Sabertooth tiger. There’s logical fallacies, false correlations, manipulation, outright bullying, peer pressure, so many things that trip you up and trick you into doubting yourself.

Logical Fallacies

Bad things do not happen because God hates you, God is far too busy to deal with your crap. Also, no country is objectively the greatest country on Earth, that’s extremely personal and relative. Although some far outrank others. And if you believe in spontaneous generation, don’t, the bug eggs are laid in the rotting meat by mommy and daddy bugs and that’s where babies come from.

Your brain is very lazy, it will take neurological shortcuts to simplify things, and see and insinuate patterns, or what it’s energetic enough to see. Which is why stereotypes, racism, and religion are things, also conspiracy theories.

Your brain is also biased, and you are biased, and can be wrong, along with your brain, also your memory is crap. But there is hope, once you take the blinders off and see your faults, you can overcome them.

Common Examples

Stats

Numbers and statistics are a reliable source of information, but none the less can be manipulated and abused. 90% of people like cake, 10% like pie, is a set of statistics, but if you only poll 10 people that’s not representative of a population. And if your sales are $1 it’s very easy for them to double in a year.

Numbers can also be over and under reported. Car travel is actually much more dangerous than air travel, but a fear of flying is more commonly reported than a fear of driving. Situations like this easily become “facts”, and “logical” assumptions.

Do you see any good examples of certain minorities on the news? Compare that to, yeah- racism. There’s also chauvinism, so many -isms inspired by “facts”. “Facts” that go onto support…

Survivor Bias

That would never happen to me, I would never do that, if I were you, are all things you have said or thought. These are examples of survivor bias. If you can do, or survive, so and so, why can’t someone else? You’re right and there’s something wrong with them.

Survivor bias is like throwing your shoes at someone else, demanding that they fit! But they don’t because everyone has different feet. Not only are your feelings not evidence, it’s also impossible to (metaphorically) rely on your experience, all the time. But if someone literally shoots you and drives off you should still call the police.

False-ness

-False Correlations

What do all pregnant teenagers have in common? They had sex? No, bad parenting, their parents weren’t there to monitor them 24/7 and close their legs. Which is impossible, but parenting is hard. And although parenting does involve sex, it doesn’t have anything to do with the products of your sex having sex, directly, hopefully.

Also, illness is not a curse from God, and not being good enough or to someone is an excuse for cheating. But cheating can directly be correlated with break ups, and never forgiving someone or seeing, respecting them ever again.

-False Authority

Speaking of parents, they are your parents. But there are limits to what you owe them, and they should respect you and be reasonably demanding. Just because someone is someone doesn’t mean you’re obligated to them, you have free will and choice.

This doesn’t mean you should exercise this all the time, but that’s how you learn what consequences are, and the authorities learn their limits, how people under them actually feel. And the Bible doesn’t have science in it.

Jesus

Jesus seems like a really great guy, it’s people who claim to know him that are the problem. Fake Clinics even give pregnant women, who want abortions for whatever reason, false information, that they claim is medical. Which is very dangerous and should be very illegal, no matter how you feel about abortion.

They are far from the only liars, generally delusional people though. Then there’s people who think that autism comes from vaccines, never give them a Bible.

Because they have enough feelings already. Not to say that religious texts are bad, but people tend to interpret them differently, pick and choose, plus they’re typically old, and can’t be applied in every situation.

The Bible says lots of things but noting about sexting. Or pants, they weren’t invented yet, and baked goods, besides bread. It’s probably not a sin to like brownies though, if it is you’re in a cult.

Targeting Weaknesses

Is any opponent’s go to strategy when they’re losing, rhetoric wise there are several insidious tactics.

-Sucking Up

Sucking Up is a classic. You might be right about some things, and suddenly be less wrong. But you need to understand, forgive, the other side. If not, the “But Yous” begin, and you “misunderstood”, or discrimination, oppression.  You’re the bad guy for not letting them be the good guy.

Then there’s just bullying, which quite often follows, and threats, slander. Essentially a hissy fit because you’re probably right and they don’t want to hear it, which often takes the form of peer pressure.

-Peer Pressure

The Asch Conformity Experiments are an example of this. Groups of people were presented with lines, and one was clearly longer, shorter, or different than the other. Everyone else, who were actors, had to agree that the lines were all the same. Anyone who protested eventually gave in to fall on line with the herd, be left alone, accepted.

This is used in arguing when people, especially your friends and family gang up on you to agree with them, and often ends up working. And when it doesn’t a narcissist gets punched in the balls by Jesus, maybe, someone does it, metaphorically.

-Lying

Then there’s just lying, purposeful or not. Purposeful lying is lying, stating false evidence, convincing people with not the truth. There’s also accidental lying, from someone’s purposeful or accidental influence.

People tend to say what other people want to hear, especially if they are in a weaker position. And do what other people want too. It’s why so many people have flags on their front porches in America, feel obligated to their religious or political views.

Saying what you think someone wants to hear is a huge problem on psychology, personality inventories, and rating systems. And hiring as well, people will say and do things to get a job. They’re hard to trust, people lie. Which is why reviews online preferably have written back up, evidence.

It’s also a problem with mentally ill people who lie on gun buying forms, to get guns. When they are not actually sane, despite their false answer. There’s also drugs, prescriptions, and underage drinking, but guns, seriously.

Lazy people who want to blend in, please others, and be left alone. It’s a trap, and far from the only one.

But how do you fight this? Learn how to fight the power in part 4.

Advertisements
Standard
extroverts, feelings, humans, introverts, life, Life Advice, love, psychology, questions, self help, Uncategorized

People You Shouldn’t Have Sex With

Welcome to the last installment of our educational series on sexual harassment, in our last installment we learned how to discern consent.

Mary Sue: I bleep, bleep, bleep, on your, bleep, all up in your bleep, bleeping, all night long bleep!

We also learned about non-verbal consent.

Mary Sue: Hrmphhrmph.

Steve: You can’t describe in words how much you want my bleep…oh, my hand is-

Mary Sue: Hrmph!

But just because you have established consent, should you have sex with that person?

Boudica: Snarl?

Well it’s a question for humans Boudica, it’s also a question for bears, isn’t that right Ursula?

Ursula: Grrr.

Steve’s Cousin: They’re friends now.

Speaking of friends Steve’s Cousin, Pissy Jenny drank all the martinis, became a lot less pissy, and is now interested in your bleep.

Pissy Jenny: That’s right bleep.

Steve’s Cousin: We’ve said bleep too many times, haven’t we?

One Million Moms can’t be wrong Steve’s Cousin, so anyway your penis, would you like to place it inside a hole?

Steve’s Cousin: Boy, do I!

Whose hole?

Steve’s Cousin: One of Pissy Jenny’s!

Well, too bad you can’t, you rapist! You see, Pissy Jenny is very inebriated.

Pissy Jenny: I am very inebriated.

If you stuck your penis in one of her holes now, you’d be taking advantage of her, plus it probably won’t feel as good.

Steve’s Cousin: Gee, I never thought about that because alcohol.

That’s right Steve’s Cousin, use your head and remember to not use your head, in this instance, and there she-

Pissy Jenny: The floor hurts.

Still no Steve’s Cousin.

Steve’s Cousin: Ahhh, just for future reference who else shouldn’t I have sex with?

What an excellent, non-coerced question Steve’s Cousin, generally you should not have sex with the following people.

-Married People

-In a Relationship People

-People under the age of 18

-Children

-The Sick & Infirm

-Crazy People

-People Who aren’t in Their Right Mind

-People Who Will Trick, Manipulate You

-People in Power Over You

-People You Have Power Over

-People You Kidnapped or Brainwashed

-People You had to Drug

-Animals

Steve’s Cousin: Gee, that’s a long list of people that my penis can’t have fun with.

Don’t despair Steve’s Cousin, just because you can’t have sex with those people, doesn’t mean there’s no one to have sex with, isn’t that right Mary Sue?

Mary Sue: Yes, I’m here too.

Steve: And she is my wife you horny bastard.

Steve’s Cousin: I’m still awfully depressed though, if only, oh s***, wolves!

Relax, the Scientist is on his break and the pack of wolves found his bloodied lab coat. They’re here with questions you should ask yourself before potentially copulating with another.

Wolf 1: Growl.

Wolf 2: Growl?

Wolf 3: Growl!

Wolf 1: Growl-

Wolf 2: Growl?

Wolf 3: Growl.

Wolf 1: Growl

Wolf 2: Growl.

If you don’t speak wolf, this friendly, helpful- and knowledgeable, pack of wolves have raised some excellent points. Do you trust this person, are you protected, what ramifications will there be? What is your relationship status, will it be awkward, potentially want to be in a relationship with this person?

Why do you want to have sex with this person, how and where, do you have feelings for them, or vice versa? It’s impossible to just have sex with someone and not face these issues.

Steve’s Cousin: Those are important, necessary questions.

Pissy Jenny: I’m fine now, no wait- the floor still hurts.

Steve’s Cousin: It was really nice of you to offer your holes to me Pissy Jenny, but upon further consideration I think I’ll pass.

Wolf 1: Growl

Wolf 2: Growl.

Wolf 3: Growl?

Steve: Holy crap they’re clapping.

And also admire your maturity and foresight Steve’s Cousin. Well that does it for this installment of our educational series “Sexual Harassment”. We hope you learned a lot, and to be a good citizen, neighbor, coworker, other proper nouns, to the gender that you’re attracted to. See you in our next fun, informative, educational series.

Steve’s Cousin: I don’t think you’re racist Pissy Jenny.

Pissy Jenny: I’m bleeding.

Mary Sue: Racistly!

 

Standard
extroverts, feelings, How to, important questions, introverts, Life Advice, love, questions, self help, socialization, thoughts, Tips, Uncategorized

Sexual Harassment: Consent

Hello, and welcome back to our educational series on the current bane of our society- sexual harassment. In our last installment Steve learned to ask if he could grope someone first on pain of having his now sensitive genitals attacked by a schmoked up Feminist Honey Badger, again.

Pissy Jenny: We also learned that I’m not racist

Slow down Pissy Jenny, we haven’t quite figured that out yet, consent, interrogative words consent? There are two main ways people consent- verbally and nonverbally. Here’s a verbal example.

Mary Sue: Did you notice that I also have beautiful eyes Steve?

Boudica: Snarl…..

Steve: Feminism.

Here’s a nonverbal example.

Boudica: Snarl…

Steve: Oh look how comfortable you are with me, not saying no, trusting me, and knowing me for a while.

Pissy Jenny: Yeah, I know right.

Mary Sue: Mental agreement!

Boudica: Snarl.

Pissy Jenny: Oxymorons save lives.

There are many ways to verbally consent to intercourse or attention that may lead to intercourse, here are some not- drunk examples.

Steve: I like you Mary Sue.

Mary Sue: As do I, we should make out.

Mary Sue: I think that you are handsome and sexy.

Steve: My penis is ready.

Steve: Hey, do you want to have sex?

Mary Sue: My vagina is ready.

Steve: I think that we should have sex.

Mary Sue: My vagina and limbic system would probably like and enjoy that.

Mary Sue: Gee Steve, it’s been awhile since I’ve been to Pound Town, could you assist me with getting there?

Steve: How fast and smooth or roughly do you want to get there? Here’s a form.

 

Here are some drunk examples.

Steve: I think that you’re hot and have a penis Steve’s Cousin.

Mary Sue: This is true.

Steve Cousin: What a lovely vagina you must have.

Mary Sue: That’s right bitch.

Steve: Do you like my t***?

Mary Sue: I want to go brpph in them.

Steve: I want to expletive things to you because we’ve used t**** a lot already.

Mary Sue: That’s right bitch.

Mary Sue: I want to sloppily make out with your face and ride you like a horse.

Steve: Neigh.

 

Here are “I’m so horny I can’t think straight” examples.

Mary Sue: I’m so horny I can’t think straight.

Steve: Maybe my penis can help not make you a lesbian.

Pissy Jenny: Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

Steve: Your, expletive is distracting me you ravishing sexy woman.

Mary Sue: The right one or the, oh right, poop!

Mary Sue: I need to get pounded hard all night long with your penis Steve.

Steve: That can be arranged.

Steve: Do you require penis you metaphorically dirty girl?

Mary Sue: Yes, but there is still nothing wrong with being a Lesbian and I am not racist.

Steve: Fun fact, I have an erection.

Mary Sue: Oh my, that must be distracting.

You may be asking yourself, gee, what quality verbal examples, but what about nonverbal examples and shouldn’t they take place in a place?

Mary Sue: Holy crap Pissy Jenny, we are in a place!

Pissy Jenny: You should try that entire shelf of liquor and see what happens Boudica.

Ursula: Grr!

Mary Sue: You’re back from your tropical vacation with the pack of wolves!

Ursula: Grr?

Pissy Jenny: It’s okay, you’re transgender, everyone has to like you.

Boudica; Snarl!

Mary Sue: This is just like Vanderpump Rules Yay!

Gee, I wonder what those pack of wolves from our mandatory or else educational series “How to be a Woman” series are doing?

Wolf 1: Growl.

Wolf 2: Growl!

Wolf 3: Growl.

Who doesn’t love looking at pictures of yourself in them on a vacation you, yourself, went on? Not wolves apparently, uh oh it looks like someone had a few too many drinks by their suddenly private pool. Lets check back in at the place.

Boudica: Snarl!

Usrula: Grr!

Mary Sue: S*** is going down!

Steve: I know, it’s hard to flirt with you over the sound of a Transgendered Cross Dressing Bear and Schmoked up Feminist Honey Badger fighting to the death.

Mary Sue: You were flirting with me? A Transgendered Cross Dressing Bear and a Schmoked up Feminist Honey Badger are fighting each other to the death.

Pissy Jenny: I am rooting for one of you! Oh, hello Steve’s Cousin.

Steve’s Cousin: I still exist too.

The Scientist: The honey badger, you can’t-

Pissy Jenny: Oh my God you look like s*** but I still want a martini.

The Scientist: I wear a lot of hats.

Pissy Jenny: The place is a bar.

Steve’s Cousin: Weren’t you-

Pissy Jenny: Yes, Ursula chugged an entire bottle of Rumplemintz and attacked me here once, all the martinis!

As you can see with Pissy Jenny being racist and ordering all of the martinis, nonverbal consent is complicated and not always noticed. Also, Mary Sue and Steve said words. But what did they say, non-verbally?

Steve was flirting with his wife, but she failed to notice because the omnipotent narrator is purposely failing to intervene because omnipotent narrator wants to live, and also, life, hustle bustle, her thoughts- Mary Sue just isn’t in the moment.

Mary Sue: I wish I could be more in this moment, not that moment.

Steve: Yes, a bar stool just narrowly missed your head saving your life.

Mary Sue: LOL.

Steve: Scooching closer to you.

Mary Sue: I am doing the-

Boudica: Snarl!

Mary Sue: Ursula should demand a truce.

Steve: That seems like a good idea, leaning in.

Mary Sue: My face is reddening.

Steve: Mine too.

Mary Sue: I could just be very alarmed with the precarious situation we are in right now.

Or are you flirting, non-verbally back Mary Sue? Not every physical, non-verbal hint that seems consenting is actually, hold on, I’ll just-

Ursula: Grr?

Boudica: Snarl?

Present Boudica with a salmon and pretend to be friends. That’s better, now back to education.

Steve: You have a face that I am touching.

Mary Sue: Hrmphrmmph.

That’s right Mary Sue, you most likely would be responsive to more physical affection.

Mary Sue: Rmphm.

Pissy Jenny: I want to make out with your face Steve’s Cousin.

Steve’s Cousin: Gee, thanks all the martinis!

The Scientist: I couldn’t cut her off or be alarmed with the great speed and alacrity that she drank them because science.

And also, this. Just because someone consents or gives in to you, does that mean you should have sex with them? Find out next time in “People You Shouldn’t Have Sex With”.

Mary Sue: Prhmppphrpmh.

Pissy Jenny: Me am not racist still me thinks you b****.

Standard
extroverts, feelings, humans, important questions, introverts, life, Life Advice, self help, Tips, Uncategorized, valentines day

Sexual Harassment: Objectification

Hello, and welcome back to our educational series on sexual harassment. In our first installment we defined sexual harassment, and sexual harassment-ish, in this edition we will cover objectification. What is objectification, how do people do it why, when, & where is my sandwich, There, there’s my sandwich. Also, where, in what situations, do people objectify people?

Oh look, here’s a schmoked up honey badger drinking espresso with a screaming human sized canvas bag.

Steve: Hrmmph! Hrmmph!

Boudica: Snarl.

But that’s beside the point, sexual harassment and objectification go hand in hand. Objectification is the basis for sexual harassment. It’s when someone treats you as an object, doesn’t respect your agency and individuality, here is an example.

Pissy Jenny: Where is Steve?

As you can see, objectification happens every day, and is rampant in sexual and non-sexual situations.

Mary Sue: Gee Pissy Jenny, where is Steve?

Pissy Jenny: Honey Badgers do have a matriarchal power structure.

In fact you objectify people every day, how? Did you ever ask your parents for money, a small loan for a Pikachu toy at Kmart when you were a child, expect it, get it, and never pay them back?

Pissy Jenny: That’s extremely specific, I don’t think-

Did you assume that the shirtless svelte male track team that ran by the rec center just as you were leaving was hot? Expect service workers to perform services for you every day? Everyone does it! The sexual kind is the worst, and the shirtless svelte male track team was very hot!

Who thinks that shirtless svelte male track teams are hot, and acts on it, harassingly, very disrespectfully?  Not this person- but other mentally, disturbed people with disorders of the soul! When and wherever they think they can get away with it, because issues!

Issues which Include:

-Narcissism

-Other Icky Personality Disorders

-Being a –Path

-Being Too Horny

-Being a Horny -Path

-Being Drunk

-Being a Drunk Horny -Path

-Being in Power

-Being a Drunk Horny –Path in Power

-Being a Jerk

-Being a Drunk Horny –Path in Power, who is a Jerk

-A Sense of Entitlement

-Being a Drunk Horny –Path in Power who is a Jerk with a Sense of Entitlement

-Not Being a Feminist

-Boo, Adjectives!

Adjectives that you do not want to be, and how can you not be these adjectives?

Boudica: Snarl?

Yes, even though he isn’t a feminist you have to let him go.

Boudica: Snarl?

He’s going to be made not adjectives and feminist.

Boudica: Snarl?

Yes, just in case this fails we have the baby.

Boudica: Snarl?

No, sadly it isn’t ugly.

Boudica: Snarl?

Steve has grandparents too.

The Scientist: Get away from Steve you-

Boudica: Snarl!!!

There you go, have fun with him!

Steve: Thank you for your heroic sacrifice for science!

Good thing he’s completely forgotten about his baby, now how can Steve not be adjectives and a feminist?

Steve: Gee Mary Sue, you have t*** but there’s so much more to you than that, as a person, I should ask you if I can touch them in the future.

Mary Sue: And also my butt.

Steve: Yes, you have that.

Pissy Jenny: Also generally keep it in your pants, not everyone wants it.

That’s right Mary Sue, also-

Pissy Jenny: Consent can also be implied.

Woah, slow down Pissy Jenny, we’re just learning that people aren’t objects. In fact here’s thos handy Venn diagram, made with science, explained by a scientist to… Lets not get crazy about learning how they work.

Pissy Jenny: Am I still racist?

I don’t know, are you? That will be covered in our next installment, Consent.

Mary Sue: I still think she’s racist.

Pissy Jenny: F****** why?

Steve: I’m not adjectives anymore!

Standard
extroverts, feelings, introverts, Life Advice, love, self help, Tips, Uncategorized, valentines day

How to Seduce an Introvert

Introverts, they want love and attention too, to be loved. It’s a basic human need- it doesn’t mean consent has flown out the window though. Everyone needs personal space, time to be wooed. Following someone home and saying you can help bring them out of their shell, or showing up unsolicited, is not romantic. It’s creepy and why pepper spray was invented.

Are you romantically interested in an introvert, already romantically involved with one? Here are some tips to win their heart, soul, and mind- also part of their spleen, 1/8th of their funny bone, and all the fruit in their eyes!

What To Do                                                                                                          

Be Tactful

Do they even like you, as a person, are they giving you a signal to approach them, get to know them? The phrase winning someone over can be misleading, people aren’t prizes. And if someone says no that isn’t a challenge, playing coy, or a loss. People are people, not objects to be won and controlled. That is not a healthy attitude to have.

Be Tactfully Forward

Once you get to know your introvert, and they trust you, be honest. No one has 100% pure intentions going into a relationship. Even Jesus’s feet got a spa day out of one once. Honesty is the best policy, say that you like them and are attracted to them. Tell them how you feel.

Then let them respond, don’t pressure them, hear them out. Once again, saying no is an option. This is not an insult, it’s merciful, clarifying. It lets people move on, understand each other- helps them reorient. But saying yes is an option too, so is not exactly no, but kind of yes- give it time.

Give Them Space

Even if they feel the same way everyone needs space, and introverts need even more space. In a romantic relationship, or friendship. Not being all up in their business and on their case all the time is also endearing to them. Leaving them alone to think and process the situation is sexy to them.

It gives you a lot of brownie points with them. And cake points, and ice cream points, and macaron points, and French macaron points, croquet-en-bouche points, buche-de-noel points- lots and lots of sweet, sweet points.

Let Them Warm Up to You

Relationships take time, trust takes time. It’s a process that you can’t accelerate. Rushed relationships are never the best relationships. Telling a stranger, or mere acquaintance, that you know you’re going to get married someday is creepy.

There’s no need for grand gestures, shows of affection, just be yourself, let them be themselves, don’t lie or try to make yourself look better. Your introvert is, or potentially could be, in a relationship with you- not your Instagram page. Your bullshit doesn’t smell like roses.

Lower Your Expectations

Speaking of roses, they’re not always accepted, or wanted even. Seriously, they’re expensive and die. Learn how to calm down, not expect or demand as much. Introverts can be wonderfully giving and loving, but not as often or as much as others want them to be, and when.

And some just show up, which is a feat in itself for most other people, and it shows that they care. There won’t be grand gestures, making out in public, declarations of love, or even a relationship status update. Facebook already knows too much.

But everyone has their own way of caring, introverts are particularly good at listening to you, giving good advice, generally being available to be there for you, caring. Because they have experience not being listened to or particularly cared for.

They won’t shout “You matter to me (insert name here)!” over a megaphone, but they will show it. Which is what everyone wants out of a relationship- romantic or not.

Don’t Pressure Them

No, a third time, once again, is a possibility. Bribery, pressure, and threats don’t endear you to people. Which is why public proposals and spouse kidnapping are horrible. It is true that applying pressure can slow down bleeding, but not someone leaving you.

In fact, no one likes pressure, look up public proposal fails on Youtube. No one has to do anything nice, or declare anything for anyone. And it’s selfish to expect it back because you did it, it’s a choice. No one should be obligated to anyone like that.

Respect Your Differences

Your introvert won’t be lovey dovey, and look before they leap- or might not even leap at all. You might be the complete opposite, or just in some respects. Don’t expect the same on pain of heartbreak out of others. Everyone is different, expressed their feelings, romantic and non-romantic differently. You can’t change that.

Instead work with it, learn, get to know someone, be open. Similarities attract but opposites are interesting, can keep the spark alive.

Winning someone’s heart is never guaranteed. You don’t deserve it, no one deserves anyone, or is worthy of everyone. But if you follow these simple steps, you can be worthy and deserving of so many people- of which you will whittle down, pick one, but not in a pimp/The Bachelor sense. Just honestly, true to yourself, and respectfully.

Introvert or not, it’s a proven approach. Among many unproven approaches, which will be covered in Part Two, “How not to Seduce an Introvert”.

Standard
extroverts, fear, feelings, humans, introverts, Life Advice, Uncategorized

Santa & Social Anxiety

Here Timmy, sit on this strange man’s lap, who is based on the Norse god of war, referred to as “The Terrifier” and be good so he brings you a present or else, smile for the picture! Say this to a child, and what could possibly go wrong?

Why parents want to preserve this moment in time, who knows? But it’s clearly obvious why some children are scared of Santa. A strange man whose lap they are shoved onto and told to smile, they might as well be a woman and Santa Harvey fricken’ Weinstein.

There are those rare children who love Santa at first sight though- and science has proven that they have gone on to start cults, join cults, usurp the leadership of cults, or become serial killers, science.

However, most kids are sane, and suffer from understandable anxiety, social anxiety. Here are some reasons why your child might not be the biggest fan of parties in the future, good job Santa!

Where’s His Face?

Seriously, where is, and sometimes he looks different, how does he get from place to place, mall to mall so, is Santa a shape shifting, time traveling wizard? Even without “The Terrifier” moniker Santa is a scary. Your baby isn’t going to fall in love with him at first sight, and eventually figure out that something is up.

So Very Jolly

Do you know those people who are just happy all the time? Like Tom Cruise, who are all, or must secretly be in a cult? Santa’s kind of like that, it’s why he has just a chair, not an entire couch. Happiness and good vibes are great- but if you are like that all the time you are on drugs and/or insane. Don’t sick people like that on your children.

New Person Alert!

You don’t have to be jolly all the time to be scary, you can just be new. It’s why Social Anxiety is a type of anxiety. If you are a tiny, helpless child, strangers are extra scary. You can’t defend yourself, say no, get away. Being plopped down on their lap?

You have to be good for Santa so that you get presents, Santa, is, I want to be Jewish mom, Iran has boundaries.

So Much Noise, So Many People

If you aren’t one of those jolly, happy, all the time people, you still kind of know what being on drugs is like. Being overstimulated is a trip- a very painful, anxiety inducing trip. Kids have to wear special headphones to protect their ears, just take your child to the mall, put it in a line with lots of strangers, have people stare at it, give it- yeah.

Timmy isn’t smiling for reasons. All Santas should be sensitive Santas.

 

 

He’s Touching Me!

Everyone has their limits, even children. Not all children are cuddly, want to be hugged and kissed. But everyone else thinks that they should be, because children, they could just eat them up. Children do not want to be eaten, be coddled that much, adored, worshipped- and ones who do have serious issues.

They just want to be kids, give them space, ask if they want the hug first. And don’t just plop them down on strange men’s laps.

No Pictures Please

Fun fact, there are three year olds with Instagram accounts. Do they know that they do, ask for one, can even spell “Instagram”? No, although children require some attention, they can get too much, and egads, assert themselves- show you how they feel. Want to be left alone, just be their non-celebrity themselves.

Kids are smart enough to say no, not want to be in a picture. They can be self-conscious, be morose, moody- in a state not good for pictures. Forcing them to be in one doesn’t help, and they will not appreciate that “adorable, special memory”. It is not adorable, and if you think it’s special, and share it, you are very special.

If your child just wants to write, text, snapchat, or email Santa, they’re pretty normal. Don’t force them to be cute and adorable for your amusement when they don’t want to. It doesn’t help the relationship or their anxiety. The next time you feel tempted to take your more sensitive, or just a child, child, to go see Santa and they resist, just say yes to their no. They will love you forever.

 

Standard
confidence, How to, humans, introverts, Life Advice, self help, social anxiety, socialization, Tips, Uncategorized

How to Survive a Party

Parties, what are parties? Parties are informal-formal social gatherings where you try not to die and survive. You may be asking yourself, what should I ask myself? Well, you should be asking yourself, do I want to survive? Yes, because kittens, snacks, schaudenfreude, and other fun things that life is full of!

Do you want to survive now? Great, here’s some great ways to help you survive a party.

  1. Positive Thoughts

Do you feel like you’re dying? Of course you do, but everyone dies a little bit every day. We’re all screwed! We all die someday! But don’t take this negatively. Death is a sweet, sweet release from the agonizing and suffering of life. And stupid people, -ist people, there’s a special place in Hell for them because the Devil is a feminist. Isn’t that a happy thought?

  1. Set Goals

You might as well do something while you’re dying, think of realistic things you can accomplish. Go over to the punch bowl, spike the punch bowl, say hello and smile at someone. Hide in the kitchen and make friends with the cat. What other reasonable, achievable tasks can you complete?

  1. Research

Thanks to Social Media, you can know so much more about people than you really should. You can know their habits, whereabouts, home address, what they’re allergic to, who they’re dating, relatives, places of employment, phone numbers- use this to your advantage. Learn things, scout the situation out. Who is going to be there? Who can you take out before they get there, Janet?

  1. Look Good

How you feel about yourself can be obvious by how you look. When you’re feeling down, lie to yourself. Look good, look the best, make a good impression. A compliment can be a start to a conversation- or meaningless, no strings attached…friendship. If you look your best, you will feel your best.

  1. Conversation Topics

Did you know that a survivor of the Donner Party went on to open a restaurant? Is not a good conversation topic, educate yourself on good ones. Topics like what do you do, where do you work, do you have cats? Where is your cat? Can I show up at your house and play with your cat? So, sports- good conversation is based on a good topic. Is it raining cats playing sports? Think of your own unique, quality conversation topics.

  1. Use Your Manners

Manners maketh the man- and also if you have a vagina, or identify as other sex parts. Use them, be polite, rudeness is highly looked down upon. Except if you’re a Christian or a Feminist, or think you’re right. Sat excuse me, pardon me, I’m sorry, can I please go to your house and play with your cat? The “P” word is the magic word. And magic, you know, a baby defeated Lord Voldemort, and Smaug, and the power of the, also, Puck from Gargoyles.

  1. Be Yourself

The only self you can be is you, which is a blessing. If you simply be your true authentic self, people will like you. Unless you are any of the following.

-An –ist

-A Serial Killer

-Nazi Sympathizer

-Are Political

-Are Religious

-Janet

-A Sex Maniac

-Love Kids

-Can’t Stop Talking About Your Kid

-A Thief

-A Murderer

-Other –ers

-Were Following Orders

And many more fun things! If you aren’t anything, you’re good.

  1. Compensate for Being Yourself

The only self you can be is you, which is a horrible, crippling curse. If you simply be your true, authentic self, people will have opinions about you. Put on a show, be your best self. Which often involves not being yourself at all. But the bright side is if you placate people, they will never see you coming I mean, no strings attached s…more friendship. 

  1. Lie Through Your Teeth

In order for them to not see you coming, lie through your teeth. Play the part, it worked for Amy Dunne, and who has a nice family with a husband who knows where his prole place is now? And where to keep his man parts? Amy Dunne, that’s who, her child will be so lucky.

Make yourself look good, explain some things, make excuses. It’s how people have tolerated each other for millions of years. It’s how society has been kept together, intact. If you’re not broken yet, you’re should go get fixed.

  1. Be Batman

Sometimes a stealthy exit is necessary, you have to pee, that guy in your tr…I fricken love friendship, you have to work tomorrow, all valid excuses. Quietly slip away, say goodbye to people that you actually like, and be on your way. No one who matters will judge you. Step over Janet, hide Janet in a bush, your trunk is full, and go back to your evil home, lair, home, kittens.

These are just a few tips to help you survive your next social gathering and the alcohol-free ones. But if all else fails, happily that’s still an option. Good luck at your next party!

Standard