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People You Shouldn’t Have Sex With

Welcome to the last installment of our educational series on sexual harassment, in our last installment we learned how to discern consent.

Mary Sue: I bleep, bleep, bleep, on your, bleep, all up in your bleep, bleeping, all night long bleep!

We also learned about non-verbal consent.

Mary Sue: Hrmphhrmph.

Steve: You can’t describe in words how much you want my bleep…oh, my hand is-

Mary Sue: Hrmph!

But just because you have established consent, should you have sex with that person?

Boudica: Snarl?

Well it’s a question for humans Boudica, it’s also a question for bears, isn’t that right Ursula?

Ursula: Grrr.

Steve’s Cousin: They’re friends now.

Speaking of friends Steve’s Cousin, Pissy Jenny drank all the martinis, became a lot less pissy, and is now interested in your bleep.

Pissy Jenny: That’s right bleep.

Steve’s Cousin: We’ve said bleep too many times, haven’t we?

One Million Moms can’t be wrong Steve’s Cousin, so anyway your penis, would you like to place it inside a hole?

Steve’s Cousin: Boy, do I!

Whose hole?

Steve’s Cousin: One of Pissy Jenny’s!

Well, too bad you can’t, you rapist! You see, Pissy Jenny is very inebriated.

Pissy Jenny: I am very inebriated.

If you stuck your penis in one of her holes now, you’d be taking advantage of her, plus it probably won’t feel as good.

Steve’s Cousin: Gee, I never thought about that because alcohol.

That’s right Steve’s Cousin, use your head and remember to not use your head, in this instance, and there she-

Pissy Jenny: The floor hurts.

Still no Steve’s Cousin.

Steve’s Cousin: Ahhh, just for future reference who else shouldn’t I have sex with?

What an excellent, non-coerced question Steve’s Cousin, generally you should not have sex with the following people.

-Married People

-In a Relationship People

-People under the age of 18

-Children

-The Sick & Infirm

-Crazy People

-People Who aren’t in Their Right Mind

-People Who Will Trick, Manipulate You

-People in Power Over You

-People You Have Power Over

-People You Kidnapped or Brainwashed

-People You had to Drug

-Animals

Steve’s Cousin: Gee, that’s a long list of people that my penis can’t have fun with.

Don’t despair Steve’s Cousin, just because you can’t have sex with those people, doesn’t mean there’s no one to have sex with, isn’t that right Mary Sue?

Mary Sue: Yes, I’m here too.

Steve: And she is my wife you horny bastard.

Steve’s Cousin: I’m still awfully depressed though, if only, oh s***, wolves!

Relax, the Scientist is on his break and the pack of wolves found his bloodied lab coat. They’re here with questions you should ask yourself before potentially copulating with another.

Wolf 1: Growl.

Wolf 2: Growl?

Wolf 3: Growl!

Wolf 1: Growl-

Wolf 2: Growl?

Wolf 3: Growl.

Wolf 1: Growl

Wolf 2: Growl.

If you don’t speak wolf, this friendly, helpful- and knowledgeable, pack of wolves have raised some excellent points. Do you trust this person, are you protected, what ramifications will there be? What is your relationship status, will it be awkward, potentially want to be in a relationship with this person?

Why do you want to have sex with this person, how and where, do you have feelings for them, or vice versa? It’s impossible to just have sex with someone and not face these issues.

Steve’s Cousin: Those are important, necessary questions.

Pissy Jenny: I’m fine now, no wait- the floor still hurts.

Steve’s Cousin: It was really nice of you to offer your holes to me Pissy Jenny, but upon further consideration I think I’ll pass.

Wolf 1: Growl

Wolf 2: Growl.

Wolf 3: Growl?

Steve: Holy crap they’re clapping.

And also admire your maturity and foresight Steve’s Cousin. Well that does it for this installment of our educational series “Sexual Harassment”. We hope you learned a lot, and to be a good citizen, neighbor, coworker, other proper nouns, to the gender that you’re attracted to. See you in our next fun, informative, educational series.

Steve’s Cousin: I don’t think you’re racist Pissy Jenny.

Pissy Jenny: I’m bleeding.

Mary Sue: Racistly!

 

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Sexual Harassment: Consent

Hello, and welcome back to our educational series on the current bane of our society- sexual harassment. In our last installment Steve learned to ask if he could grope someone first on pain of having his now sensitive genitals attacked by a schmoked up Feminist Honey Badger, again.

Pissy Jenny: We also learned that I’m not racist

Slow down Pissy Jenny, we haven’t quite figured that out yet, consent, interrogative words consent? There are two main ways people consent- verbally and nonverbally. Here’s a verbal example.

Mary Sue: Did you notice that I also have beautiful eyes Steve?

Boudica: Snarl…..

Steve: Feminism.

Here’s a nonverbal example.

Boudica: Snarl…

Steve: Oh look how comfortable you are with me, not saying no, trusting me, and knowing me for a while.

Pissy Jenny: Yeah, I know right.

Mary Sue: Mental agreement!

Boudica: Snarl.

Pissy Jenny: Oxymorons save lives.

There are many ways to verbally consent to intercourse or attention that may lead to intercourse, here are some not- drunk examples.

Steve: I like you Mary Sue.

Mary Sue: As do I, we should make out.

Mary Sue: I think that you are handsome and sexy.

Steve: My penis is ready.

Steve: Hey, do you want to have sex?

Mary Sue: My vagina is ready.

Steve: I think that we should have sex.

Mary Sue: My vagina and limbic system would probably like and enjoy that.

Mary Sue: Gee Steve, it’s been awhile since I’ve been to Pound Town, could you assist me with getting there?

Steve: How fast and smooth or roughly do you want to get there? Here’s a form.

 

Here are some drunk examples.

Steve: I think that you’re hot and have a penis Steve’s Cousin.

Mary Sue: This is true.

Steve Cousin: What a lovely vagina you must have.

Mary Sue: That’s right bitch.

Steve: Do you like my t***?

Mary Sue: I want to go brpph in them.

Steve: I want to expletive things to you because we’ve used t**** a lot already.

Mary Sue: That’s right bitch.

Mary Sue: I want to sloppily make out with your face and ride you like a horse.

Steve: Neigh.

 

Here are “I’m so horny I can’t think straight” examples.

Mary Sue: I’m so horny I can’t think straight.

Steve: Maybe my penis can help not make you a lesbian.

Pissy Jenny: Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

Steve: Your, expletive is distracting me you ravishing sexy woman.

Mary Sue: The right one or the, oh right, poop!

Mary Sue: I need to get pounded hard all night long with your penis Steve.

Steve: That can be arranged.

Steve: Do you require penis you metaphorically dirty girl?

Mary Sue: Yes, but there is still nothing wrong with being a Lesbian and I am not racist.

Steve: Fun fact, I have an erection.

Mary Sue: Oh my, that must be distracting.

You may be asking yourself, gee, what quality verbal examples, but what about nonverbal examples and shouldn’t they take place in a place?

Mary Sue: Holy crap Pissy Jenny, we are in a place!

Pissy Jenny: You should try that entire shelf of liquor and see what happens Boudica.

Ursula: Grr!

Mary Sue: You’re back from your tropical vacation with the pack of wolves!

Ursula: Grr?

Pissy Jenny: It’s okay, you’re transgender, everyone has to like you.

Boudica; Snarl!

Mary Sue: This is just like Vanderpump Rules Yay!

Gee, I wonder what those pack of wolves from our mandatory or else educational series “How to be a Woman” series are doing?

Wolf 1: Growl.

Wolf 2: Growl!

Wolf 3: Growl.

Who doesn’t love looking at pictures of yourself in them on a vacation you, yourself, went on? Not wolves apparently, uh oh it looks like someone had a few too many drinks by their suddenly private pool. Lets check back in at the place.

Boudica: Snarl!

Usrula: Grr!

Mary Sue: S*** is going down!

Steve: I know, it’s hard to flirt with you over the sound of a Transgendered Cross Dressing Bear and Schmoked up Feminist Honey Badger fighting to the death.

Mary Sue: You were flirting with me? A Transgendered Cross Dressing Bear and a Schmoked up Feminist Honey Badger are fighting each other to the death.

Pissy Jenny: I am rooting for one of you! Oh, hello Steve’s Cousin.

Steve’s Cousin: I still exist too.

The Scientist: The honey badger, you can’t-

Pissy Jenny: Oh my God you look like s*** but I still want a martini.

The Scientist: I wear a lot of hats.

Pissy Jenny: The place is a bar.

Steve’s Cousin: Weren’t you-

Pissy Jenny: Yes, Ursula chugged an entire bottle of Rumplemintz and attacked me here once, all the martinis!

As you can see with Pissy Jenny being racist and ordering all of the martinis, nonverbal consent is complicated and not always noticed. Also, Mary Sue and Steve said words. But what did they say, non-verbally?

Steve was flirting with his wife, but she failed to notice because the omnipotent narrator is purposely failing to intervene because omnipotent narrator wants to live, and also, life, hustle bustle, her thoughts- Mary Sue just isn’t in the moment.

Mary Sue: I wish I could be more in this moment, not that moment.

Steve: Yes, a bar stool just narrowly missed your head saving your life.

Mary Sue: LOL.

Steve: Scooching closer to you.

Mary Sue: I am doing the-

Boudica: Snarl!

Mary Sue: Ursula should demand a truce.

Steve: That seems like a good idea, leaning in.

Mary Sue: My face is reddening.

Steve: Mine too.

Mary Sue: I could just be very alarmed with the precarious situation we are in right now.

Or are you flirting, non-verbally back Mary Sue? Not every physical, non-verbal hint that seems consenting is actually, hold on, I’ll just-

Ursula: Grr?

Boudica: Snarl?

Present Boudica with a salmon and pretend to be friends. That’s better, now back to education.

Steve: You have a face that I am touching.

Mary Sue: Hrmphrmmph.

That’s right Mary Sue, you most likely would be responsive to more physical affection.

Mary Sue: Rmphm.

Pissy Jenny: I want to make out with your face Steve’s Cousin.

Steve’s Cousin: Gee, thanks all the martinis!

The Scientist: I couldn’t cut her off or be alarmed with the great speed and alacrity that she drank them because science.

And also, this. Just because someone consents or gives in to you, does that mean you should have sex with them? Find out next time in “People You Shouldn’t Have Sex With”.

Mary Sue: Prhmppphrpmh.

Pissy Jenny: Me am not racist still me thinks you b****.

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How not to Seduce an Introvert

Seduction, winning someone’s affections is an art, skill. It takes time, patience. No one falls in love with you overnight- someone can sleep with you overnight, but that probably won’t last. It most assuredly will not last if you do any of these things.

Be Heavy Handed

No one likes pressure, even pressure cookers don’t- you have to strap the lid down. People are not pressure cookers, don’t strap them down- literally or figuratively. Do not declare your undying love to them, and that they should really love your or else they don’t deserve love. If they don’t know you at all, or that well. Especially in public, that is just evil and manipulative.

They really can say no to you, and don’t have to feel the same way about you, because you’re creepy. Would Gaston have made a bad husband? Maybe not, but he was being very, he hired a band thinking Belle would say yes to him. Do not marry someone like that, also, bride kidnapping is bad.

Be Very, Very, Extremely, Very, Forward

Once again, pressure is not the way to someone’s heart. It’s actually the world’s biggest turn off. And disrespectful, inconsiderate, and a sign. If you have to pressure and force someone to love you, they don’t love you. And if you love them, let them go.

Or do the stuff mentioned in “How to Seduce an Introvert”, or anyone, really. Also, being extremely sexual and graphic about all the dreams, sexual or not that you have and will do to them is not recommended.

Do they want to do those things to you? Let them think, talk, live their own life, that they choose. Not the life you think they should be living, with you, forever and ever, dirty sex stuff, forever and ever, take notes Scorpios, forever and- unless it’s purely just sex, which never actually happens or ever works out, humans.

Crowd Them

Everyone needs personal space, and time, room and freedom to be themselves. It actually helps relationships, and makes them healthy. Being attached at the hip 24/7 doesn’t mean that you’re a happy couple. Live for yourself, not someone else.

Fall in Love with Them Immediately

That isn’t love, it feels like love, but it’s not. It’s obsession, possessiveness and probably excessive lust. That is not healthy, love on the other hand, can be, is normal. Love is accepting someone for who they are, learning and growing in life along with them, working issues out- not threatening them so they stay with you.

“Love” is far too often said, when you don’t really know someone, or know someone well enough to accept them no matter what, ride to die. Never say you love someone, unless you know it’s love and you really, seriously mean it.

Expect Them to Do the Same

Scientific fact, people not in love are saner than people who are. If they notice a dead body in boo boo poopskie-kins fuffer nutters basement, and inform the in love person, they won’t go along with, oh, it must have just gotten drunk and wandered in.

Introverts, people in general, are thinkers. They have deal breakers, won’t instantly commit to a lifetime with someone. Those outside the love, who might not support your relationship are extra super-duper thinkers, have unbiased points. There are reasons they have doubts that people in love are blind to, because they care.

When someone doesn’t fall in love with you, or love you, and tells you, they care too. They don’t want to start anything they’re not emotionally invested in or lead anyone on. “No” is not an insult, it’s, the truth, move on.

Make Demands

Once again, sanity, personal differences, pressure is bad. Demands don’t endear you to someone. Demands are not indicative of love, they indicate the opposite of love. Controlling someone also doesn’t endear you to them.

Such tactics drive people away, make them reinforce their individuality, cause issues. If you love someone you listen to them, their side, accept their thoughts and ideas. You can disagree, but there is compromising working things out.

When presented with my way or the highway, the car keys will be missing in short order.

“Fix” Them

“Fixing” someone isn’t “helping”, plus it’s impossible. No one ever changes to suit your needs 100%- you cannot control people. And the more you try to “fix” someone the more they rebel, or will eventually rebel, dramatically, drastically.

You can’t force change to happen, in a person, it has to happen on its own, with their consent. Just a side note though, if you want to change someone, see something wrong with them, that is not love.

Relationships are complicated, but they don’t have to be hard, forced. That’s not love. It’s best for everyone to move on, find better, more compatible love elsewhere.

 

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How to Seduce an Introvert

Introverts, they want love and attention too, to be loved. It’s a basic human need- it doesn’t mean consent has flown out the window though. Everyone needs personal space, time to be wooed. Following someone home and saying you can help bring them out of their shell, or showing up unsolicited, is not romantic. It’s creepy and why pepper spray was invented.

Are you romantically interested in an introvert, already romantically involved with one? Here are some tips to win their heart, soul, and mind- also part of their spleen, 1/8th of their funny bone, and all the fruit in their eyes!

What To Do                                                                                                          

Be Tactful

Do they even like you, as a person, are they giving you a signal to approach them, get to know them? The phrase winning someone over can be misleading, people aren’t prizes. And if someone says no that isn’t a challenge, playing coy, or a loss. People are people, not objects to be won and controlled. That is not a healthy attitude to have.

Be Tactfully Forward

Once you get to know your introvert, and they trust you, be honest. No one has 100% pure intentions going into a relationship. Even Jesus’s feet got a spa day out of one once. Honesty is the best policy, say that you like them and are attracted to them. Tell them how you feel.

Then let them respond, don’t pressure them, hear them out. Once again, saying no is an option. This is not an insult, it’s merciful, clarifying. It lets people move on, understand each other- helps them reorient. But saying yes is an option too, so is not exactly no, but kind of yes- give it time.

Give Them Space

Even if they feel the same way everyone needs space, and introverts need even more space. In a romantic relationship, or friendship. Not being all up in their business and on their case all the time is also endearing to them. Leaving them alone to think and process the situation is sexy to them.

It gives you a lot of brownie points with them. And cake points, and ice cream points, and macaron points, and French macaron points, croquet-en-bouche points, buche-de-noel points- lots and lots of sweet, sweet points.

Let Them Warm Up to You

Relationships take time, trust takes time. It’s a process that you can’t accelerate. Rushed relationships are never the best relationships. Telling a stranger, or mere acquaintance, that you know you’re going to get married someday is creepy.

There’s no need for grand gestures, shows of affection, just be yourself, let them be themselves, don’t lie or try to make yourself look better. Your introvert is, or potentially could be, in a relationship with you- not your Instagram page. Your bullshit doesn’t smell like roses.

Lower Your Expectations

Speaking of roses, they’re not always accepted, or wanted even. Seriously, they’re expensive and die. Learn how to calm down, not expect or demand as much. Introverts can be wonderfully giving and loving, but not as often or as much as others want them to be, and when.

And some just show up, which is a feat in itself for most other people, and it shows that they care. There won’t be grand gestures, making out in public, declarations of love, or even a relationship status update. Facebook already knows too much.

But everyone has their own way of caring, introverts are particularly good at listening to you, giving good advice, generally being available to be there for you, caring. Because they have experience not being listened to or particularly cared for.

They won’t shout “You matter to me (insert name here)!” over a megaphone, but they will show it. Which is what everyone wants out of a relationship- romantic or not.

Don’t Pressure Them

No, a third time, once again, is a possibility. Bribery, pressure, and threats don’t endear you to people. Which is why public proposals and spouse kidnapping are horrible. It is true that applying pressure can slow down bleeding, but not someone leaving you.

In fact, no one likes pressure, look up public proposal fails on Youtube. No one has to do anything nice, or declare anything for anyone. And it’s selfish to expect it back because you did it, it’s a choice. No one should be obligated to anyone like that.

Respect Your Differences

Your introvert won’t be lovey dovey, and look before they leap- or might not even leap at all. You might be the complete opposite, or just in some respects. Don’t expect the same on pain of heartbreak out of others. Everyone is different, expressed their feelings, romantic and non-romantic differently. You can’t change that.

Instead work with it, learn, get to know someone, be open. Similarities attract but opposites are interesting, can keep the spark alive.

Winning someone’s heart is never guaranteed. You don’t deserve it, no one deserves anyone, or is worthy of everyone. But if you follow these simple steps, you can be worthy and deserving of so many people- of which you will whittle down, pick one, but not in a pimp/The Bachelor sense. Just honestly, true to yourself, and respectfully.

Introvert or not, it’s a proven approach. Among many unproven approaches, which will be covered in Part Two, “How not to Seduce an Introvert”.

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Trials

I could walk through,

some of

the fires of Hell,

cross oceans,

fight a tornado-

or at least some angry drunk person,

be forced to live in an Iron Maiden,

be burned alive, struck by lightning!

Have to deal with Google Adwords Customer Service,

tame a unicorn,

teach a cat to fetch,

listen to Gilbert Godfried sing “My Heart Will Go On”,

and other worse things.

 

Or, or-

hear me out.

I walk up to you,

and just ask you whether or not,

or would be interested in, my (meow).

You narcissistic bastard.

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You Don’t Need to Fall in Love

Love, isn’t it grand? A bit too grand for some honestly. Some relationships are badly timed, and some are just ill suited for them. If you have 20 kids by 10 baby mamas and 5 ex-wives, and are thinking of proposing to your latest victim- don’t. Also, cut it off, as Jesus would say.

Every movie, TV show, literature, theatre, all forms of media espouse falling in love, finding the one, but what if you don’t, or aren’t meant to? Or don’t really feel like it? Is there really something wrong with you? Are you incomplete?

No, in fact your life will be much less complicated. Love isn’t bad, bit it’s tumultuous. It should not be taken lightly. It’s not a joke or a game. You aren’t the bachelor, or the bachelorette. Other people hopefully have too much respect for themselves for that. Or don’t want it to burn when they pee.

Which makes romantic situations in general, inherently a bit trepidatious- not to mention the excessive expectations. No one will live up to your ideal version of them. Seriously, everybody poops, and it never smells like roses. Eva had to pretend to be her boyfriend’s…people will disappoint you.

Don’t go around putting people on pedestals. Pedestals fall and crush everything when they get knocked over. Or people go insane and jump off of them. Do you have any idea what it’s like not being able secretly to curse like a sailor because you’re not sure if someone can hear you? It hurts, it really, really hurts.

People also have a life outside of you. You may or may not fit into it. If you excessively disrupt it, that’s not good. Especially for the relationship. Just because things didn’t work out doesn’t make it anybody’s fault. Really, it was everybody’s fault for even attempting the relationship.

Should (insert couple that should not have been a couple here and then another person died on a death and murder show here) have been a thing at all? No, and now they hate each other, from their respective prison cells.

Often there’s unnecessary baggage because of this. Which every romantic movie tells you to power through, get past. Your relationship will be stronger, love! But when you can’t, it’s bad.

Seriously, it is bad. You just stick around for no good reason, because love. Because your brain is on drugs. And when you finally realize you should stop providing someone money for strippers and crack, but you were committed to them, oh nelly. Make some popcorn, hopefully innocent bystanders.

If you feel like you need love, to be in a romantic relationship or else, that’s not healthy. It also undermines other relationships that you have in your life. What about your friends, family, are they not important? Do they not love you?

Those relationships last longer than romantic ones. They’re also more fulfilling. Such relationships provide you with other, equally valuable, types of love. That are really still count as love, from someone who loves you. Someone that you don’t have to have sex with. Some aromantics are lying to themselves.

It hurts when they end- and it really hurts other people when you ditch them for your latest romantic obsession. If you get married, and possibly have kids, of course your priorities change. But you can’t act like those people don’t exist, and still call them friends.

If you make newer, better friends, so can your old former friends. Don’t get mad when they move on without you. Don’t dig yourself into a hole, complain that no one is supporting your hole and insult them for not doing so. Then get upset when you realize how deep the hole is and they’re gone. Eating frozen yogurt, without you, delicious frozen yogurt.

Don’t throw away a lifetime of friendship just because you’re not single anymore. If you do, and somehow, get it back, it will never be the same. Of course relationships change, but in this case it’s not an understandable or good change. Resentment only goes away overnight if you’re Jesus. And Jesus probably complains a little about Judas behind Judas’s back.

Although you may feel the urge to rekindle an old flame, or find one- look before you leap. And most importantly, before you can love anyone else you have to love yourself. It’s always good to be healthy when you start a new venture, emotionally and physically.

And have no ulterior motives. People are replaceable in a professional, work sense only. Never in a relationship sense. Positions change along with the people who fill them. If you’re filling constantly re-opened positions all the time, especially with your sex parts, you have a serious problem.

Don’t listen to the movies. You don’t need anyone else, you’re already complete. You are loved already. Once you realize this, and become your bad confident self, love will come along. From the inside or outside. Who knows? Some people get divorced some, I mean…everyone has a different destiny.

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