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How to Argue

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Politics, religion, race, Facebook, the news- what isn’t there to argue about? The thing is, is it done well, are some arguments even arguments, structurally? The answer to both most of the time is, hopefully yes.

Arguments

What is an argument? Technically it is a conversation, written or verbal that revolves around how right or wrong one side, or an issue is. One or more people can have them. They are used to communicate and educate, build bridges when done well, or resolve the issue.

There are serious arguments, not so serious arguments, emotional arguments, logical arguments, logistical arguments- even animals have them, most predominantly cats and dogs.

 Not Arguments

What makes something not an argument? Usually when one side is obviously, factually incorrect, or you just start screaming at each other because feelings- forgetting whatever points you had.

For example, when you argue about illegal immigrants from Pluto, and then someone has to explain science to you- most likely getting very frustrated.

Being civil, listening, and getting over your biases make an argument. Screaming and relying on your feelings, and only your experiences, or something you read on Facebook, doesn’t. Manners and intelligence maketh the argument.

Manners

There is an unwritten etiquette to arguing, everyone deserves a chance to speak, and entertain other notions that aren’t their own. Like maybe Pluto is a freezing hell on the fringes of the solar System that is incapable of hosting intelligent life.

You also must consider others, their experiences, viewpoints. Not only to win, but to also reach amicable solutions. Because even Jesus isn’t the sun, the world revolves around no one. Also, refrain from shouting and resorting to bullying, or force of numbers, sheer passion!

That’s how Gileads are made, do not make a Gilead.

How to

Arguments are a simple concept with universal basics- at least one person, at least two viewpoints, and actual points, plus a means of communicating them.

The Classics

If you made it to high school, or a really nice middle school, you know the foundations of presenting your case. Rhetoric is its own field of study, paired with composition it counts as a major. It is based on four simple concepts:

Ethos

What kind of people are you trying to convince, who’s your audience? Do they have any cultural beliefs, conventions you have to consider? When arguing about Illegal Immigrants from Pluto, a Scientist will remind you Pluto is not a planet, while your therapist might give you Lithium based medication.

 Logos

What is the scientific, logical base of your argument, where’s your evidence? To try a murder in most states, you need a body, or at least a motive and a weapon. Without evidence, you have no argument, or anything to argue about.

Pathos

Feelings, people have them. You also need to appeal to them. You couldn’t convince the Pope that Planned Parenthood isn’t that bad based on the money it saves government assistance over 18 years. The Pope, and people who love babies don’t care about that.

It is also the wrong audience, although perfectly good evidence.

Kairos

Timing is everything, a perfectly timed moment, opportunistic strike has convinced masses, and will continue to do so. Germany didn’t invade Poland just because in the midst of renewed vigor and nationalist fervor. No, Poland totally “attacked” Germany and because German greatness Germany fought back, and won.

This was a lie, but the Nazis knew when and where to strike. Archduke Ferdinand’s assassin also had perfect timing. And isn’t a war a long, drawn out, costly in life and resources argument?

Without any of these, you have no case. And will lose if you fake having one. People act stupid sometimes but aren’t that stupid. Unless they watch Fox News, but that gets into biases. Which will be covered in part two, they’re great for convincing niche audiences.

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People You Shouldn’t Have Sex With

Welcome to the last installment of our educational series on sexual harassment, in our last installment we learned how to discern consent.

Mary Sue: I bleep, bleep, bleep, on your, bleep, all up in your bleep, bleeping, all night long bleep!

We also learned about non-verbal consent.

Mary Sue: Hrmphhrmph.

Steve: You can’t describe in words how much you want my bleep…oh, my hand is-

Mary Sue: Hrmph!

But just because you have established consent, should you have sex with that person?

Boudica: Snarl?

Well it’s a question for humans Boudica, it’s also a question for bears, isn’t that right Ursula?

Ursula: Grrr.

Steve’s Cousin: They’re friends now.

Speaking of friends Steve’s Cousin, Pissy Jenny drank all the martinis, became a lot less pissy, and is now interested in your bleep.

Pissy Jenny: That’s right bleep.

Steve’s Cousin: We’ve said bleep too many times, haven’t we?

One Million Moms can’t be wrong Steve’s Cousin, so anyway your penis, would you like to place it inside a hole?

Steve’s Cousin: Boy, do I!

Whose hole?

Steve’s Cousin: One of Pissy Jenny’s!

Well, too bad you can’t, you rapist! You see, Pissy Jenny is very inebriated.

Pissy Jenny: I am very inebriated.

If you stuck your penis in one of her holes now, you’d be taking advantage of her, plus it probably won’t feel as good.

Steve’s Cousin: Gee, I never thought about that because alcohol.

That’s right Steve’s Cousin, use your head and remember to not use your head, in this instance, and there she-

Pissy Jenny: The floor hurts.

Still no Steve’s Cousin.

Steve’s Cousin: Ahhh, just for future reference who else shouldn’t I have sex with?

What an excellent, non-coerced question Steve’s Cousin, generally you should not have sex with the following people.

-Married People

-In a Relationship People

-People under the age of 18

-Children

-The Sick & Infirm

-Crazy People

-People Who aren’t in Their Right Mind

-People Who Will Trick, Manipulate You

-People in Power Over You

-People You Have Power Over

-People You Kidnapped or Brainwashed

-People You had to Drug

-Animals

Steve’s Cousin: Gee, that’s a long list of people that my penis can’t have fun with.

Don’t despair Steve’s Cousin, just because you can’t have sex with those people, doesn’t mean there’s no one to have sex with, isn’t that right Mary Sue?

Mary Sue: Yes, I’m here too.

Steve: And she is my wife you horny bastard.

Steve’s Cousin: I’m still awfully depressed though, if only, oh s***, wolves!

Relax, the Scientist is on his break and the pack of wolves found his bloodied lab coat. They’re here with questions you should ask yourself before potentially copulating with another.

Wolf 1: Growl.

Wolf 2: Growl?

Wolf 3: Growl!

Wolf 1: Growl-

Wolf 2: Growl?

Wolf 3: Growl.

Wolf 1: Growl

Wolf 2: Growl.

If you don’t speak wolf, this friendly, helpful- and knowledgeable, pack of wolves have raised some excellent points. Do you trust this person, are you protected, what ramifications will there be? What is your relationship status, will it be awkward, potentially want to be in a relationship with this person?

Why do you want to have sex with this person, how and where, do you have feelings for them, or vice versa? It’s impossible to just have sex with someone and not face these issues.

Steve’s Cousin: Those are important, necessary questions.

Pissy Jenny: I’m fine now, no wait- the floor still hurts.

Steve’s Cousin: It was really nice of you to offer your holes to me Pissy Jenny, but upon further consideration I think I’ll pass.

Wolf 1: Growl

Wolf 2: Growl.

Wolf 3: Growl?

Steve: Holy crap they’re clapping.

And also admire your maturity and foresight Steve’s Cousin. Well that does it for this installment of our educational series “Sexual Harassment”. We hope you learned a lot, and to be a good citizen, neighbor, coworker, other proper nouns, to the gender that you’re attracted to. See you in our next fun, informative, educational series.

Steve’s Cousin: I don’t think you’re racist Pissy Jenny.

Pissy Jenny: I’m bleeding.

Mary Sue: Racistly!

 

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Sexual Harassment: Consent

Hello, and welcome back to our educational series on the current bane of our society- sexual harassment. In our last installment Steve learned to ask if he could grope someone first on pain of having his now sensitive genitals attacked by a schmoked up Feminist Honey Badger, again.

Pissy Jenny: We also learned that I’m not racist

Slow down Pissy Jenny, we haven’t quite figured that out yet, consent, interrogative words consent? There are two main ways people consent- verbally and nonverbally. Here’s a verbal example.

Mary Sue: Did you notice that I also have beautiful eyes Steve?

Boudica: Snarl…..

Steve: Feminism.

Here’s a nonverbal example.

Boudica: Snarl…

Steve: Oh look how comfortable you are with me, not saying no, trusting me, and knowing me for a while.

Pissy Jenny: Yeah, I know right.

Mary Sue: Mental agreement!

Boudica: Snarl.

Pissy Jenny: Oxymorons save lives.

There are many ways to verbally consent to intercourse or attention that may lead to intercourse, here are some not- drunk examples.

Steve: I like you Mary Sue.

Mary Sue: As do I, we should make out.

Mary Sue: I think that you are handsome and sexy.

Steve: My penis is ready.

Steve: Hey, do you want to have sex?

Mary Sue: My vagina is ready.

Steve: I think that we should have sex.

Mary Sue: My vagina and limbic system would probably like and enjoy that.

Mary Sue: Gee Steve, it’s been awhile since I’ve been to Pound Town, could you assist me with getting there?

Steve: How fast and smooth or roughly do you want to get there? Here’s a form.

 

Here are some drunk examples.

Steve: I think that you’re hot and have a penis Steve’s Cousin.

Mary Sue: This is true.

Steve Cousin: What a lovely vagina you must have.

Mary Sue: That’s right bitch.

Steve: Do you like my t***?

Mary Sue: I want to go brpph in them.

Steve: I want to expletive things to you because we’ve used t**** a lot already.

Mary Sue: That’s right bitch.

Mary Sue: I want to sloppily make out with your face and ride you like a horse.

Steve: Neigh.

 

Here are “I’m so horny I can’t think straight” examples.

Mary Sue: I’m so horny I can’t think straight.

Steve: Maybe my penis can help not make you a lesbian.

Pissy Jenny: Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

Steve: Your, expletive is distracting me you ravishing sexy woman.

Mary Sue: The right one or the, oh right, poop!

Mary Sue: I need to get pounded hard all night long with your penis Steve.

Steve: That can be arranged.

Steve: Do you require penis you metaphorically dirty girl?

Mary Sue: Yes, but there is still nothing wrong with being a Lesbian and I am not racist.

Steve: Fun fact, I have an erection.

Mary Sue: Oh my, that must be distracting.

You may be asking yourself, gee, what quality verbal examples, but what about nonverbal examples and shouldn’t they take place in a place?

Mary Sue: Holy crap Pissy Jenny, we are in a place!

Pissy Jenny: You should try that entire shelf of liquor and see what happens Boudica.

Ursula: Grr!

Mary Sue: You’re back from your tropical vacation with the pack of wolves!

Ursula: Grr?

Pissy Jenny: It’s okay, you’re transgender, everyone has to like you.

Boudica; Snarl!

Mary Sue: This is just like Vanderpump Rules Yay!

Gee, I wonder what those pack of wolves from our mandatory or else educational series “How to be a Woman” series are doing?

Wolf 1: Growl.

Wolf 2: Growl!

Wolf 3: Growl.

Who doesn’t love looking at pictures of yourself in them on a vacation you, yourself, went on? Not wolves apparently, uh oh it looks like someone had a few too many drinks by their suddenly private pool. Lets check back in at the place.

Boudica: Snarl!

Usrula: Grr!

Mary Sue: S*** is going down!

Steve: I know, it’s hard to flirt with you over the sound of a Transgendered Cross Dressing Bear and Schmoked up Feminist Honey Badger fighting to the death.

Mary Sue: You were flirting with me? A Transgendered Cross Dressing Bear and a Schmoked up Feminist Honey Badger are fighting each other to the death.

Pissy Jenny: I am rooting for one of you! Oh, hello Steve’s Cousin.

Steve’s Cousin: I still exist too.

The Scientist: The honey badger, you can’t-

Pissy Jenny: Oh my God you look like s*** but I still want a martini.

The Scientist: I wear a lot of hats.

Pissy Jenny: The place is a bar.

Steve’s Cousin: Weren’t you-

Pissy Jenny: Yes, Ursula chugged an entire bottle of Rumplemintz and attacked me here once, all the martinis!

As you can see with Pissy Jenny being racist and ordering all of the martinis, nonverbal consent is complicated and not always noticed. Also, Mary Sue and Steve said words. But what did they say, non-verbally?

Steve was flirting with his wife, but she failed to notice because the omnipotent narrator is purposely failing to intervene because omnipotent narrator wants to live, and also, life, hustle bustle, her thoughts- Mary Sue just isn’t in the moment.

Mary Sue: I wish I could be more in this moment, not that moment.

Steve: Yes, a bar stool just narrowly missed your head saving your life.

Mary Sue: LOL.

Steve: Scooching closer to you.

Mary Sue: I am doing the-

Boudica: Snarl!

Mary Sue: Ursula should demand a truce.

Steve: That seems like a good idea, leaning in.

Mary Sue: My face is reddening.

Steve: Mine too.

Mary Sue: I could just be very alarmed with the precarious situation we are in right now.

Or are you flirting, non-verbally back Mary Sue? Not every physical, non-verbal hint that seems consenting is actually, hold on, I’ll just-

Ursula: Grr?

Boudica: Snarl?

Present Boudica with a salmon and pretend to be friends. That’s better, now back to education.

Steve: You have a face that I am touching.

Mary Sue: Hrmphrmmph.

That’s right Mary Sue, you most likely would be responsive to more physical affection.

Mary Sue: Rmphm.

Pissy Jenny: I want to make out with your face Steve’s Cousin.

Steve’s Cousin: Gee, thanks all the martinis!

The Scientist: I couldn’t cut her off or be alarmed with the great speed and alacrity that she drank them because science.

And also, this. Just because someone consents or gives in to you, does that mean you should have sex with them? Find out next time in “People You Shouldn’t Have Sex With”.

Mary Sue: Prhmppphrpmh.

Pissy Jenny: Me am not racist still me thinks you b****.

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Please Shut Up About Jesus

Atheists, and Muslims, the two most hated groups in America. But why? Well according to a study on the subject they just don’t line up with American values. Which are generally accepting everyone, knowing that everyone is different, tolerance, freedom, not….

The founding fathers were Christian, or at least Christianish, fact. They all agreed that everyone should have freedom of religion and not be discriminated against, the second fact that people tend to forget. And that they live in a pluralistic society, world.

Everyone would love to live in their own little bubble. Sadly though, and especially for religious people and societies, this is not possible. But how can you function better? What a coincidence that you just asked that question that I prompted you to ask. Here are some tips.

  1. Learn the Art of Conversation

Jesus was a cool dude, got along with everyone, had a lot of friends. He knew how to talk to people, make genuine, fruitful connections. How did he do this? He knew not to interject that He was the Son of God every five minutes, you’re welcome, and you really should get on the Jesus train to heaven.

Transitions in conversation are often overlooked, but shouldn’t be. If you randomly change the topic mid-conversation, someone has an agenda. No one likes that or will be interested in your agenda.

There’s a time and place to discuss faith and religion, and it’s not every conversation you’ll ever have. Also, how is bringing up your faith unsolicited just not asking to start something, that you hopefully can handle?

  1. Calm Down

Do you know that one person who just can’t stop talking about their cat, or significant other? And if you’re not doing the same, you are heartless. You think about stopping them, or telling them ooh look a distraction- but then you’re oppressing them, being mean, they just want to talk. You don’t have to, or ever will, but they have to.

This is a horrible way to convert someone and you look like a crazy person. It’s offensive because it’s true. You also make other people who share your beliefs, but more reasonably, look bad. The Pope does not know Kim Davis and the average Muslim doesn’t know, or want to be associated with ISIS.

Never be ISIS or Kim Davis, it makes you look bad.

  1. Don’t Judge

Gay people have existed since the beginning of time, gay animals have existed since the beginning of time, race, species mixing has also been a thing for a while- just because you don’t know of it, or do it, doesn’t make it evil, or a foreign invasive force.

94% of male Giraffes are bisexual. What have giraffes ever done to you? And if a giraffe ever did anything to you, say called you short, a little spinner, that doesn’t mean all giraffes do that.

Most people want to be left alone, allowed to live their lives in peace. You are probably one of them, because the Bible probably says so somewhere. And the Bible has some very good points, and general life advice.

Even Atheists, and Muslims, know that you shouldn’t fall in love with a sheep and abandon your family and all responsibility, accountability for your actions. Which was falling in love with a sheep.

  1. Think Outside Your Box

Despite popular belief, you aren’t all that special. You have more in common with your enemy than you probably realize. Which is why they’re your enemy. Or any random person on the street really.

You have problems, they have problems. You have feelings, they have feelings. You have a spleen, they have a spleen. They might feel that they have a problem with their spleen though, if they are doubled over in pain, consider that.

You don’t know what problems or struggles someone else has, they don’t know what problems or struggles you have. They certainly aren’t excuses to go do stupid s***, but realizing they exist can prevent a lot of stupid s***.

Never assume anything, without a crap ton of evidence. Which your own personal biases, and projecting your experiences on someone or something else, do not count as, at least 99.9% of the time.

  1. You’re not Being Oppressed

If you can freely talk about, and proclaim your religion, in public, you aren’t being oppressed. Especially if your law, society, majority culture is based on your religion. You won’t get your way all the time, because there are other people besides you in the world. They need to be considered.

It is very important that you learn how to take this. And not rely on your magical sky dad. Because your magical sky dad has kids and lots of crap to do, all the time. Hopefully you are penciled in.

No one likes not getting their way, but life. You have to learn how to deal with things, in a mature way. And not summon Fox News.

  1. You’re not Going to Catch Them All

Did you know that Pokemon is still on T.V.? Yes, and Ash is still trying to catch them all. Which he never will, but Pokemon goes on, darn discovering new pokemon! Seriously though, imitation is the highest form of flattery, but not everyone will flatter you.

Not everyone needs “fixing”, or wants to hear the “truth”, there are lots of bandwagons to jump on. Some people are just bad jumpers or not interested. Everyone will not want to be like you because they like themselves, and aren’t you.

Everyone can choose to believe what they want to believe, that doesn’t make them bad or evil. Their actions dictate that, how they choose to act on those beliefs.

  1. Don’t Think You’re Better Than Anyone Else

No one is better than anyone else, even Jesus was like, chill guys, sometimes, and when the disciples asked which one of them got to sit by Him in heaven Jesus said, yeah, you basic Matthew. And Mark, and Luke, and John, and the other guy, and the one who isn’t Judas, and the other, it’s been awhile since Public School Religion, and where is the waitress with our mozzarella sticks? I’ll just, there she is! Peter, Peter, that was another one.

No one likes self-righteous people. Your faith, or belief system doesn’t make you better than anyone else. There are people that believe in ghosts, UFOs, the sanity of Gary Busey, they don’t go around saying “I can’t believe you people are missing out on this!”

But you’re blah, blah, blah, doesn’t make you not being a dick proof. In fact, it increases your chances of being a dick. But if you are blah, blah, blah, and aren’t a dick. Snaps for you, you can have one of Jesus’s mozzarella sticks. Take another one, Judas does not get any, for reasons.

  1. Agree to Disagree

Some people don’t wonder how scientists figured out that 94% of male giraffes are bisexual, some people don’t, a picture of Tilda Swinton? Others might say one of those creeper things, that mechanics use to go under, but then…the debate continues.

And will always continue until giraffes can talk, and reveal their secrets. You can still get along with others who share different opinions and viewpoints. Common ground may be found elsewhere, like giraffes are interesting in general.

Very tall, did you know that there’s only 7 vertebrae in a giraffe’s neck? Just like a human, they’re just a little longer.

  1. Respect Others 

There are people that are perfectly content with themselves. Who do not want to be bothered. Leave them alone, they’ll talk to you, but aren’t interested in what you’re selling. But there will be other customers.

But appreciate the non-customer too, try to get to know them a little, acknowledge them. Who knows, maybe you could learn something, practice your conversation skills.

Maybe they speak giraffe, or were the scientist that figured out that 94% of male giraffes are bisexual. How long, they could really use some human interaction. Might appreciate it.

  1. Don’t Try to Take Over the World

The Duggars are polarizing figures. Do you know why they have so many children? Well, they’re bazookas for the Lord, and the more bazookas they have, and the more they spread the good news- the faster they can take over the world, and suit it to their needs. Not your needs, but they’ll fix you.

This plan for world domination has been confirmed by ex-followers of the Independent Fundamentalist Baptist, Gothardism belief system, and not just my agnostitheist opinion. And would not go over well with others.

If your belief system wants to take over the world, be the dominant belief system, change it for itself, exclude everyone and everything else from the new world order- it’s a bad system, no one likes it, or will be sympathetic to it. They won’t want a part in it.

Wanting to take over the world because you think you have a good reason to is, no, no- unless you’re Ra’as al-Ghul, he has good points and ideas, people are, people. And people keep making more people, too many.

Everyone has a right to have and express their religious beliefs. But there’s a time and place, and a way to do it that won’t alienate people. Which is offensive, because it’s true. A good rule of thumb is if they wouldn’t shove their beliefs in your face, don’t shove yours in theirs.

Who or whatever you worship, keep worshipping. Just don’t forget to use your interpersonal and emotional intelligence every once, actually all the time. They’re horrible things to waste. Praise Cthulhu!

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Does, an, Introvert, Like, You? Part 1!

There are questions that have perplexed humanity for thousands of years. Where is Shangri la? What do butterflies dream about? Do trees want to be human? Would they sound like Groot? More importantly, how can I tell whether or not an introvert likes me?

For extroverts, or biverts, this is very confusing. All introverts stare off into space, seemingly not paying attention. They also non-verbally glare at everyone. Especially their extroverted mothers. How did that “How to be More Outgoing?” book get thrown, non-verbally, at your face? I don’t, it was the butler. Hold on, let me go hire a butler.

Although it’s not always glaring, often times it’s intense thinking, there’s also the classic Saitama. It often accompanies the intense thinking. Ok, now that we have that out of the way, what are signs that an introvert doesn’t hate you?

  1. They Hang Around You

Believe it or not, the spaceship hasn’t come back for us yet and we require amusement, I mean…we occasionally enjoy the company of others. We like *we are from France* getting to know people. A man is not an island. But our home planet consists entirely of islands. But earth isn’t is our home planet. And there are interesting people on it.

If we can form a friendship or two, or a hybrid to take back to our home planet to be raised in the ways of…relationship, or any human connection, it is very welcome. We don’t want to be alone all the time forever.

  1. They Listen

Hupeople are fascinating. They all have a story, motivations, interesting, potentially useful things to say, or tell. Introverts appreciate this. Plus if they’ve had to listen to you talk about your mother-in-law for an hour then you have to listen to this story about their secret agent sent here thousands of years ago to scout out your planet cat.

Plus introverts are better one on one anyway, so gab away, within reason!

  1. They Just Look at You

Back on our home planet your kind are called the others, the others live in caves under the endless ocean, because our home planet consists entirely of islands, toiling away so that we can appreciate a good Okay, guilty, we like pondering faces, giving you the once over. We’re not trying to be creepy, but we are creepy.

We like figuring things, and people out. We like just getting things, you, know, yeah, you know. That’s how they become more familiar to us, and how we get more comfortable with them.

  1. They Know What Your Favorite Color as a Child was

For thousands of years our kind have possessed advanced telepathic technology. In fact, back on our home planet our communication was purely telepathic. We could just read each other’s minds.

We used to often blackmail each other, telepathically for sport, but then everyone else overheard, and it became a thing, then a full-fledged war, which is why our ship landed on your planet, and went back to our home planet to bring back more of our kind, survivors of the- I have no idea how we can do this but science and psychology proves that HSPs, introverts being above them, have a special gift. We are more prone to just knowing things. Outside of explicitly stalking you, not on the secret telepathic network that remains today, although not as grand as the not secret telepathic network back home I, I, can extroverts read?

Jerry, no, Jerry, they can? Thanks Steve. I know your name isn’t Steve, I’ve just, oh hi Marsha what are, oh we will talk about that later. Oh, just a blog post. Did you know they can read? Just no read good, ha, ha, I know, we are so much smarter and better than them but we can’t say that verbally, out loud. Maybe someday, but not today. The cats will follow their original programming someday. Jerry, what are you looking at on the internet? We did not invent it for that!

We don’t use it for ill though, unless you’re planning a surprise party. We don’t like those. We will help you decorate for our own surprise party and you are going to like it. We will rearrange things in our schedules.

  1. They’re Useful

Extroverts can read, extroverts can read. Introverts aren’t the most sociable, outgoing people. We aren’t drunk all the time. To make up for this, we like to stay busy, be useful, be known in that sense. Expressing yourself is very personal and brave, we just do it more subtly.

Famous artists, scientists, writers, people with many types of very successful careers have been introverts. So if one of us volunteers to help you paint your house, because it is totally not located where our ride should be landing, and we don’t not not want to miss it-let us, we’ll show our appreciation, and skill, by doing a damn good job.

  1. They Open Their Mouths

Opening your mouth, not for food, is hard. In fact we’re prone to closing it right away, because why? But it takes so much willpower just to open it. Appreciate that, it’s a big step. Encourage us, it’s much easier to get to know us that way.

Shutting up, letting us talk, and just listening is the greatest gift you could ever give us.

  1. Words Come Out of It

Holy m***** f****** b**** a** m***** f***** f*** yeah on a s*** sandwich because they’re the s*** they actually f****** do you b**** a** m***** f******. I’m sorry, my PTSD, participation points! Take me home!!!

And when they do, it’s a big deal. The gates of hell open, and Satan goes up to visit Jesus in Heaven, where they have brunch and Satan says that he’s considering going back to church. Then he gets drunk on Moses’ Mimoseses and flips the table.

If we’re brave enough to talk, to you, it’s a big deal. Don’t shut us down, you are our new friend, or we’re drunk, or we finally had, and realized, anyway, let us keep talking.

  1. They Make You Laugh

Did you know that the chili parlor/whore house was called the squirts? You do now. Once you get through to an introvert, and they trust you, they’re quite entertaining. You’ll actually want them around, in your environs.

And they don’t have to drink, around you, anymore! We have so many surprising and useful sets of skills- that are very particular. We’ve led so many lives. Just give us a chance and you can find out about all our shenanigans during them.

  1. They’re There for You, Ride to Die

You like us? You’re not tired of us? You don’t think we have autism? Bless you good sir or ma’am, or however you identify! We’re filing the paperwork to take you back to our home planet! However can we repay you? By being the bestest friend, lover, enemy, Jewish tax accountant- we’ll convert, or occasional taxidermist ever.

We got you, we understand, where am I? There, before you were even here, which is there, which where you were going to be, over there. Here, where I am, before you-emotional teleportation, it’s a thing.

Whatever we can do to help, we volunteer, we’re your biggest fans. We’ll never ever leave you, we’ll help you finish your novel, moving on.

  1. They Become Your Spymaster

Introverts are the ninjas of psychology, parties, getting past “security settings” on Facebook, not being noticed walking down the street. We know where Carmen San Diego is, she does not want to be bothered. And is really good at Yahtzee.

We hear things, besides just knowing things. If we like you, and they’ll help, we’ll tell you. Do you think your significant other is cheating? Let me, you should be single again. Is that guy eating a ham sandwich? Hold on I have to ask him since I did your taxes for you. He is, he recommends it.

We can’t let you into our introvert world completely, you probably would not be able to handle it. But we can give you a very useful glimpse. And make it useful for you.

So, do we like you? If we’ve done at least three of these things and have known you for at least a year, yes. But what if not? Well, we could just be warming up to you. Or, not. Find out next week in, part two, signs an introvert doesn’t like you.

Yes Marsha, of course, Jerry, what are you? When did this happen, Steve! Steve! I know they better be getting married. No, unless you have snacks. It has- frosted animal crackers with sprinkles, well, Steve? No, the animal crackers. Steve, no, go look on Jerry’s computer. Men, oh hi Phil! I know, she is, crap there she is, hi Jennifer. Animal crackers?

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Wasted Time

If someone could ask God

One question,

It would be profound,

Deep, inspiring,

So meaningful.

Angels and kittens would cry,

Satan might feel ticklish,

Every butterfly would go “Ahhh…”

Upon finding out the meaning of life,

Or their purpose,

Or why people love shiny things so much,

And babies-

Something universally profound.

But some idiot in the back would shout

“Do blind people play Peekaboo with their children?”

And God would inquire

“Whose mother should have had an abortion!?!”

And I’d be looking down at the floor in shame,

Pretending it wasn’t me.

No second great flood,

No second great flood.

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