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How not to Seduce an Introvert

Seduction, winning someone’s affections is an art, skill. It takes time, patience. No one falls in love with you overnight- someone can sleep with you overnight, but that probably won’t last. It most assuredly will not last if you do any of these things.

Be Heavy Handed

No one likes pressure, even pressure cookers don’t- you have to strap the lid down. People are not pressure cookers, don’t strap them down- literally or figuratively. Do not declare your undying love to them, and that they should really love your or else they don’t deserve love. If they don’t know you at all, or that well. Especially in public, that is just evil and manipulative.

They really can say no to you, and don’t have to feel the same way about you, because you’re creepy. Would Gaston have made a bad husband? Maybe not, but he was being very, he hired a band thinking Belle would say yes to him. Do not marry someone like that, also, bride kidnapping is bad.

Be Very, Very, Extremely, Very, Forward

Once again, pressure is not the way to someone’s heart. It’s actually the world’s biggest turn off. And disrespectful, inconsiderate, and a sign. If you have to pressure and force someone to love you, they don’t love you. And if you love them, let them go.

Or do the stuff mentioned in “How to Seduce an Introvert”, or anyone, really. Also, being extremely sexual and graphic about all the dreams, sexual or not that you have and will do to them is not recommended.

Do they want to do those things to you? Let them think, talk, live their own life, that they choose. Not the life you think they should be living, with you, forever and ever, dirty sex stuff, forever and ever, take notes Scorpios, forever and- unless it’s purely just sex, which never actually happens or ever works out, humans.

Crowd Them

Everyone needs personal space, and time, room and freedom to be themselves. It actually helps relationships, and makes them healthy. Being attached at the hip 24/7 doesn’t mean that you’re a happy couple. Live for yourself, not someone else.

Fall in Love with Them Immediately

That isn’t love, it feels like love, but it’s not. It’s obsession, possessiveness and probably excessive lust. That is not healthy, love on the other hand, can be, is normal. Love is accepting someone for who they are, learning and growing in life along with them, working issues out- not threatening them so they stay with you.

“Love” is far too often said, when you don’t really know someone, or know someone well enough to accept them no matter what, ride to die. Never say you love someone, unless you know it’s love and you really, seriously mean it.

Expect Them to Do the Same

Scientific fact, people not in love are saner than people who are. If they notice a dead body in boo boo poopskie-kins fuffer nutters basement, and inform the in love person, they won’t go along with, oh, it must have just gotten drunk and wandered in.

Introverts, people in general, are thinkers. They have deal breakers, won’t instantly commit to a lifetime with someone. Those outside the love, who might not support your relationship are extra super-duper thinkers, have unbiased points. There are reasons they have doubts that people in love are blind to, because they care.

When someone doesn’t fall in love with you, or love you, and tells you, they care too. They don’t want to start anything they’re not emotionally invested in or lead anyone on. “No” is not an insult, it’s, the truth, move on.

Make Demands

Once again, sanity, personal differences, pressure is bad. Demands don’t endear you to someone. Demands are not indicative of love, they indicate the opposite of love. Controlling someone also doesn’t endear you to them.

Such tactics drive people away, make them reinforce their individuality, cause issues. If you love someone you listen to them, their side, accept their thoughts and ideas. You can disagree, but there is compromising working things out.

When presented with my way or the highway, the car keys will be missing in short order.

“Fix” Them

“Fixing” someone isn’t “helping”, plus it’s impossible. No one ever changes to suit your needs 100%- you cannot control people. And the more you try to “fix” someone the more they rebel, or will eventually rebel, dramatically, drastically.

You can’t force change to happen, in a person, it has to happen on its own, with their consent. Just a side note though, if you want to change someone, see something wrong with them, that is not love.

Relationships are complicated, but they don’t have to be hard, forced. That’s not love. It’s best for everyone to move on, find better, more compatible love elsewhere.


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How to Seduce an Introvert

Introverts, they want love and attention too, to be loved. It’s a basic human need- it doesn’t mean consent has flown out the window though. Everyone needs personal space, time to be wooed. Following someone home and saying you can help bring them out of their shell, or showing up unsolicited, is not romantic. It’s creepy and why pepper spray was invented.

Are you romantically interested in an introvert, already romantically involved with one? Here are some tips to win their heart, soul, and mind- also part of their spleen, 1/8th of their funny bone, and all the fruit in their eyes!

What To Do                                                                                                          

Be Tactful

Do they even like you, as a person, are they giving you a signal to approach them, get to know them? The phrase winning someone over can be misleading, people aren’t prizes. And if someone says no that isn’t a challenge, playing coy, or a loss. People are people, not objects to be won and controlled. That is not a healthy attitude to have.

Be Tactfully Forward

Once you get to know your introvert, and they trust you, be honest. No one has 100% pure intentions going into a relationship. Even Jesus’s feet got a spa day out of one once. Honesty is the best policy, say that you like them and are attracted to them. Tell them how you feel.

Then let them respond, don’t pressure them, hear them out. Once again, saying no is an option. This is not an insult, it’s merciful, clarifying. It lets people move on, understand each other- helps them reorient. But saying yes is an option too, so is not exactly no, but kind of yes- give it time.

Give Them Space

Even if they feel the same way everyone needs space, and introverts need even more space. In a romantic relationship, or friendship. Not being all up in their business and on their case all the time is also endearing to them. Leaving them alone to think and process the situation is sexy to them.

It gives you a lot of brownie points with them. And cake points, and ice cream points, and macaron points, and French macaron points, croquet-en-bouche points, buche-de-noel points- lots and lots of sweet, sweet points.

Let Them Warm Up to You

Relationships take time, trust takes time. It’s a process that you can’t accelerate. Rushed relationships are never the best relationships. Telling a stranger, or mere acquaintance, that you know you’re going to get married someday is creepy.

There’s no need for grand gestures, shows of affection, just be yourself, let them be themselves, don’t lie or try to make yourself look better. Your introvert is, or potentially could be, in a relationship with you- not your Instagram page. Your bullshit doesn’t smell like roses.

Lower Your Expectations

Speaking of roses, they’re not always accepted, or wanted even. Seriously, they’re expensive and die. Learn how to calm down, not expect or demand as much. Introverts can be wonderfully giving and loving, but not as often or as much as others want them to be, and when.

And some just show up, which is a feat in itself for most other people, and it shows that they care. There won’t be grand gestures, making out in public, declarations of love, or even a relationship status update. Facebook already knows too much.

But everyone has their own way of caring, introverts are particularly good at listening to you, giving good advice, generally being available to be there for you, caring. Because they have experience not being listened to or particularly cared for.

They won’t shout “You matter to me (insert name here)!” over a megaphone, but they will show it. Which is what everyone wants out of a relationship- romantic or not.

Don’t Pressure Them

No, a third time, once again, is a possibility. Bribery, pressure, and threats don’t endear you to people. Which is why public proposals and spouse kidnapping are horrible. It is true that applying pressure can slow down bleeding, but not someone leaving you.

In fact, no one likes pressure, look up public proposal fails on Youtube. No one has to do anything nice, or declare anything for anyone. And it’s selfish to expect it back because you did it, it’s a choice. No one should be obligated to anyone like that.

Respect Your Differences

Your introvert won’t be lovey dovey, and look before they leap- or might not even leap at all. You might be the complete opposite, or just in some respects. Don’t expect the same on pain of heartbreak out of others. Everyone is different, expressed their feelings, romantic and non-romantic differently. You can’t change that.

Instead work with it, learn, get to know someone, be open. Similarities attract but opposites are interesting, can keep the spark alive.

Winning someone’s heart is never guaranteed. You don’t deserve it, no one deserves anyone, or is worthy of everyone. But if you follow these simple steps, you can be worthy and deserving of so many people- of which you will whittle down, pick one, but not in a pimp/The Bachelor sense. Just honestly, true to yourself, and respectfully.

Introvert or not, it’s a proven approach. Among many unproven approaches, which will be covered in Part Two, “How not to Seduce an Introvert”.

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According to science, a percentage of people keep New Years Resolutions, and a percentage don’t. This percentage adds up to 100%, which is a lot. Do you want to be in the percentage that keeps their resolutions? Does a bear in a KGB hat secretly run Russia from the woods? Seriously, does a bear, we all want to know.

Make Sure it Matters To You

You could smoke less crack, but do you really want to smoke less crack? Do you enjoy smoking the amount of crack that you do now? Then you probably won’t smoke less crack. If your resolution really matters to you, you will keep it. If it doesn’t, Cracktown here your come.

Everyone needs to have a now or never, or else realization if they want to reach their goals.

Be Accountable

Being accountable is everything, you need someone you can’t lie to, someone who gives it to you straight and likes it straight. Your metaphorical Vladimir Putin, that will not out up with any of your crap, and thinks that whatever your crack is, is whack. And knows whether or not a bear in a KGB hat secretly runs Russia from the woods.


Do you want to stop smoking crack, do you have your metaphorical Vladimir Putin? Good, get ready for consequences. All actions have them, including inactions, inactions are technically actions metaphorically. You want to smoke less crack tomorrow? Your metaphorical Vladimir Putin will make sure you get on that smoking less crack right away and have tapes of you doing things in a hotel room.

Will Power

If you don’t want those tapes of you doing things in a hotel room to get out, you need willpower. It’s the opposite of fear. Anyone can have it, even if your name isn’t will, you can also be fired at if you’re not will. Look yourself in the mirror and say “No, I will not smoke less crack metaphorically, I will stop.” And not replace it with metaphorical some other vice.

No one wants those tapes getting out.

Be Motivated

Everyone needs support, not just willpower. Willpower can be a driving force, but that force can drive faster if you’re being chased by a pack of wolves, metaphorically, and a metaphorical cyborg metaphorical Putin.

Everyone needs a kick in the pants to metaphorically hand over the crack, and admit they could do better, be better, achieve, do, not just imagine or think. There’s a time to metaphorically literally, in a metaphorical sense, to be active, not passive.

Sadly, this isn’t your first response. What’s your first response, meta, literally, a lee? Inertia. Inertia is the enemy. Find someone or something to knock you out of it.

Resolutions can be hard to keep, some people don’t even make them- which can be a percentage of 100%, which is a number, that should be lower. But remember, whatever your goal is, there’s a metaphorical cyborg Vladimir Putin and a pack of wolves for everyone. Oh look a, it’s…it spotted me.

extroverts, fear, feelings, humans, introverts, Life Advice, Uncategorized

Santa & Social Anxiety

Here Timmy, sit on this strange man’s lap, who is based on the Norse god of war, referred to as “The Terrifier” and be good so he brings you a present or else, smile for the picture! Say this to a child, and what could possibly go wrong?

Why parents want to preserve this moment in time, who knows? But it’s clearly obvious why some children are scared of Santa. A strange man whose lap they are shoved onto and told to smile, they might as well be a woman and Santa Harvey fricken’ Weinstein.

There are those rare children who love Santa at first sight though- and science has proven that they have gone on to start cults, join cults, usurp the leadership of cults, or become serial killers, science.

However, most kids are sane, and suffer from understandable anxiety, social anxiety. Here are some reasons why your child might not be the biggest fan of parties in the future, good job Santa!

Where’s His Face?

Seriously, where is, and sometimes he looks different, how does he get from place to place, mall to mall so, is Santa a shape shifting, time traveling wizard? Even without “The Terrifier” moniker Santa is a scary. Your baby isn’t going to fall in love with him at first sight, and eventually figure out that something is up.

So Very Jolly

Do you know those people who are just happy all the time? Like Tom Cruise, who are all, or must secretly be in a cult? Santa’s kind of like that, it’s why he has just a chair, not an entire couch. Happiness and good vibes are great- but if you are like that all the time you are on drugs and/or insane. Don’t sick people like that on your children.

New Person Alert!

You don’t have to be jolly all the time to be scary, you can just be new. It’s why Social Anxiety is a type of anxiety. If you are a tiny, helpless child, strangers are extra scary. You can’t defend yourself, say no, get away. Being plopped down on their lap?

You have to be good for Santa so that you get presents, Santa, is, I want to be Jewish mom, Iran has boundaries.

So Much Noise, So Many People

If you aren’t one of those jolly, happy, all the time people, you still kind of know what being on drugs is like. Being overstimulated is a trip- a very painful, anxiety inducing trip. Kids have to wear special headphones to protect their ears, just take your child to the mall, put it in a line with lots of strangers, have people stare at it, give it- yeah.

Timmy isn’t smiling for reasons. All Santas should be sensitive Santas.



He’s Touching Me!

Everyone has their limits, even children. Not all children are cuddly, want to be hugged and kissed. But everyone else thinks that they should be, because children, they could just eat them up. Children do not want to be eaten, be coddled that much, adored, worshipped- and ones who do have serious issues.

They just want to be kids, give them space, ask if they want the hug first. And don’t just plop them down on strange men’s laps.

No Pictures Please

Fun fact, there are three year olds with Instagram accounts. Do they know that they do, ask for one, can even spell “Instagram”? No, although children require some attention, they can get too much, and egads, assert themselves- show you how they feel. Want to be left alone, just be their non-celebrity themselves.

Kids are smart enough to say no, not want to be in a picture. They can be self-conscious, be morose, moody- in a state not good for pictures. Forcing them to be in one doesn’t help, and they will not appreciate that “adorable, special memory”. It is not adorable, and if you think it’s special, and share it, you are very special.

If your child just wants to write, text, snapchat, or email Santa, they’re pretty normal. Don’t force them to be cute and adorable for your amusement when they don’t want to. It doesn’t help the relationship or their anxiety. The next time you feel tempted to take your more sensitive, or just a child, child, to go see Santa and they resist, just say yes to their no. They will love you forever.


confidence, How to, humans, introverts, Life Advice, self help, social anxiety, socialization, Tips, Uncategorized

How to Survive a Party

Parties, what are parties? Parties are informal-formal social gatherings where you try not to die and survive. You may be asking yourself, what should I ask myself? Well, you should be asking yourself, do I want to survive? Yes, because kittens, snacks, schaudenfreude, and other fun things that life is full of!

Do you want to survive now? Great, here’s some great ways to help you survive a party.

  1. Positive Thoughts

Do you feel like you’re dying? Of course you do, but everyone dies a little bit every day. We’re all screwed! We all die someday! But don’t take this negatively. Death is a sweet, sweet release from the agonizing and suffering of life. And stupid people, -ist people, there’s a special place in Hell for them because the Devil is a feminist. Isn’t that a happy thought?

  1. Set Goals

You might as well do something while you’re dying, think of realistic things you can accomplish. Go over to the punch bowl, spike the punch bowl, say hello and smile at someone. Hide in the kitchen and make friends with the cat. What other reasonable, achievable tasks can you complete?

  1. Research

Thanks to Social Media, you can know so much more about people than you really should. You can know their habits, whereabouts, home address, what they’re allergic to, who they’re dating, relatives, places of employment, phone numbers- use this to your advantage. Learn things, scout the situation out. Who is going to be there? Who can you take out before they get there, Janet?

  1. Look Good

How you feel about yourself can be obvious by how you look. When you’re feeling down, lie to yourself. Look good, look the best, make a good impression. A compliment can be a start to a conversation- or meaningless, no strings attached…friendship. If you look your best, you will feel your best.

  1. Conversation Topics

Did you know that a survivor of the Donner Party went on to open a restaurant? Is not a good conversation topic, educate yourself on good ones. Topics like what do you do, where do you work, do you have cats? Where is your cat? Can I show up at your house and play with your cat? So, sports- good conversation is based on a good topic. Is it raining cats playing sports? Think of your own unique, quality conversation topics.

  1. Use Your Manners

Manners maketh the man- and also if you have a vagina, or identify as other sex parts. Use them, be polite, rudeness is highly looked down upon. Except if you’re a Christian or a Feminist, or think you’re right. Sat excuse me, pardon me, I’m sorry, can I please go to your house and play with your cat? The “P” word is the magic word. And magic, you know, a baby defeated Lord Voldemort, and Smaug, and the power of the, also, Puck from Gargoyles.

  1. Be Yourself

The only self you can be is you, which is a blessing. If you simply be your true authentic self, people will like you. Unless you are any of the following.

-An –ist

-A Serial Killer

-Nazi Sympathizer

-Are Political

-Are Religious


-A Sex Maniac

-Love Kids

-Can’t Stop Talking About Your Kid

-A Thief

-A Murderer

-Other –ers

-Were Following Orders

And many more fun things! If you aren’t anything, you’re good.

  1. Compensate for Being Yourself

The only self you can be is you, which is a horrible, crippling curse. If you simply be your true, authentic self, people will have opinions about you. Put on a show, be your best self. Which often involves not being yourself at all. But the bright side is if you placate people, they will never see you coming I mean, no strings attached s…more friendship. 

  1. Lie Through Your Teeth

In order for them to not see you coming, lie through your teeth. Play the part, it worked for Amy Dunne, and who has a nice family with a husband who knows where his prole place is now? And where to keep his man parts? Amy Dunne, that’s who, her child will be so lucky.

Make yourself look good, explain some things, make excuses. It’s how people have tolerated each other for millions of years. It’s how society has been kept together, intact. If you’re not broken yet, you’re should go get fixed.

  1. Be Batman

Sometimes a stealthy exit is necessary, you have to pee, that guy in your tr…I fricken love friendship, you have to work tomorrow, all valid excuses. Quietly slip away, say goodbye to people that you actually like, and be on your way. No one who matters will judge you. Step over Janet, hide Janet in a bush, your trunk is full, and go back to your evil home, lair, home, kittens.

These are just a few tips to help you survive your next social gathering and the alcohol-free ones. But if all else fails, happily that’s still an option. Good luck at your next party!

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Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer is the story of Rudolph, the next step in Reindeer evolution who is mocked for his otherness by the conformist, supplicant society that he was born into. The head of which is the All-Powerful Santa, who lives in a castle, and reigns over his subjects who live in caves, or less castle like abodes.


Rudolph is born to Donner and Mrs. Donner, two of the Santa’s subjects who serve him and do his will. Rudolph is exceptionally intelligent at birth, and he is praised- until his glowing red mutated nose is discovered.

Mrs. Donner doesn’t mind, wants to overlook it and accept her child for who he is. But her husband disagrees, and when Santa sees it he explicitly says his nose will bar him from future employment. It is covered up against his will so that he blends in, is normal- doesn’t embarrass him. Rudolph will “…get used to it.”

Rudolph learns the ins and outs of being a reindeer from his dad, who finally approves of him- and to beware The Abominable, the monster who hates everything that he, the head of the house stands for. And every other good citizen in Christmas Town.

Meanwhile, the elves, lorded over by Head Elf, are making toys, it’s the only thing they’re good for. And Hermey, who has other aspirations and doesn’t hold the same values, is called “boy”, and mocked for wanting to be a dentist- not the simple manufacturing duties that elves are only good for. By his own people, who have fallen for a self-fulfilling prophecy of being simple and subservient.

Hermey’s attitude is contagious. When Rudolph complains that his fake nose is uncomfortable, that he cannot breathe, Donner makes an excellent point. “There are more important things than comfort, self-respect.” Which he ruins by basing this noble truth on Rudolph being unobjectionable now.

When Rudolph is inspected and tested by Santa, he is accepted. He’s normal, in fact so normal a  fawn named Clarice is interested in him, his dad calls him “my little bud”, Aryan blonde Fireball welcomes him, wants to be his buddy, show off in front of the does with him, man stuff.

During this ritual of humiliation disguised and glorified as a cherished custom, Hermey is skipping Elf Practice, refusing to entertain the “Number One Citizens”, and refusing to glorify a job that he hates. Santa thinks their song needs work but Mrs. Claus, the mother figure disagrees, saves the day, chastises the patriarchy. But when she runs after “Papa”, it’s terrible again.

And what was Hermey doing while not being the tenor? He was fixing a doll’s teeth- helping, attempting to do his job, appease his boss and Santa. He thought he found a way to fit in but is promptly told that he never will. So he refuses to go to practice just can’t learn to go “hee, hee ho, ho,” “chuckle warmly”, which is “…important stuff”.

It is then that Hermey finally realizes he is alone and skips town. Preferring to face the uncertain and harsh North Pole wilderness than stay is a certain and harsh Christmas Town any longer.

While Hermey walks off into the snow to die Fireball is teaching Rudolph how to sexualize Does, which leads to Rudolph showing off for Clarice, and getting excited, becoming a buck- in fact, he gets so excited his fake normal nose falls off. If that’s not an entry into puberty, the awkwardness of early manhood, what is?

Fireball demands that Rudolph get away from him, and everyone every one mocks him. Santa says Donner should be ashamed of himself, but he had a nice takeoff, the best take off. Clarice remains his ally though and encourages him. But when Clarice’s dad sees his nose he demands that Clarice goes home immediately, and makes one thing very plain.

“No doe of mine is going to be seen with a red-nosed reindeer.” Rudolph then has his ah, hah moment, and realizes that there is nothing wrong with him. He and Hermey meet and run off together.

Along the way, they run into Yukon Cornelius, “The Greatest Prospector, in the North”, and all the land and gold is his. He also could get real sled dogs and treat them better, whip them less, than the clearly non-sled dog he has.

Which makes him a strange, fickle and slightly drunk ally, for Rudolph and Hermey, but a ride is a ride. Of course, they run into the Abominable- but Cornelius knows his weakness- he can’t walk on water, which is how they escape.

What have the Donners been doing? Donner has been realizing that he could have been better parents. And Donner does “Man’s work”, goes out to look for Rudolph, while Mrs. Donner and Clarice, rejecting their passive roles, follow.

But Rudolph is very far away now. He and his companions have landed on the island of Misfit Toys, who are all refugees. Where they are Misfits themselves, outsiders, for not being toys. Which is hypocritically ruled over by a non-toy, King Moon Raiser- the flying lion savior of Misfit Toys.

Who is based on the ancient mythological Sphinx, which began as a protector spirit, but became the wise, all-knowing, trickster, of Greek mythology in later years. Making him the perfect, misunderstood misfit.

Yukon Cornelius even says “…Even among misfits you’re a misfit.” But they are accepted as allies in their struggle, given a purpose. They are tasked with telling Santa that his imperfect toys need homes, “Because a toy is never really happy until it’s been loved by a child.”

They plan to leave together, but Rudolph sneaks away in the night, to accomplish the task by himself. This is when Rudolph grows up, and returns home a man. To find his family gone- and Donner was supposed to get Santa’s sleigh off the ground!

Rudolph returns to the wilderness to find them and is near death when his friends find him again. They rescue the women- Donner doesn’t need rescuing and subdue the Abominable. By removing his teeth, literally and metaphorically. Sadly though, Yukon Cornelius sacrifices himself. But they don’t have time to mourn because the women need to get back to Christmas Town.

Now that their skills are useful, they literally and figuratively survive the storm, they are finally accepted in Christmas Town. Who else comes back? Yukon Cornelius, with the reformed Abominable, who is now called Bumble- who puts the star on the Christmas tree.

But even the most reformed Bumble can’t stop the storm. Santa finally notices Rudolph’s “ That beautiful, wonderful nose”, and asks Rudolph to lead the team, save Christmas. While Donner swears he knew that nose would be useful someday, now that Rudolph has been, accepted, approved- good for something.

Donner looks up and says “That’s my Bud!”, from the ground, a sign of how he’s been humbled and isn’t needed anymore. Rudolph is a buck now.

But their Sept. 12th doesn’t end there, the refugee Misfit Toys are rescued and resettled, Yukon Cornelius finds a peppermint mine, and love wins!


Rudolph is Jesus

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer is rife with symbolism and mythology, Rudolph is the revolutionary figurehead, bringer of a new, better Christmas Town order- and also clearly Jesus. He literally ascends to the heavens for the children and is emotionally crucified.

Born in humble conditions, he journeys into the wilderness by himself, much like Jesus did for 40 days. Rudolph contends with the Abominable, while Jesus contended with Satan. He is also willing to sacrifice himself for his friends. And where does he run into Hermey? By the water, after which Hermey starts following him.

His relationship with his mother is also better, stronger. The relationship that he has with his father is much more curt, akin to a working relationship. Who showed up at the cross, who let her son live at home until he was 30? Who got more, and positive attention?

Mary did, Mary also readily accepted Jesus while Joseph doubted Mary and the entire situation, but eventually came around- much like a certain reindeer.

His Disciples

Hermey and Yukon Cornelius serve as his disciples, they save and assist him on several occasions, Rudolph sacrifices himself for them Hermey is Peter, he is the head non-conformist right after Rudolph. Peter headed the church, and Hermey got his dental office.

And where does Jesus meet Peter? He meets Peter by water. Hermey also has some Luke like aspects, Luke was a doctor, Hermey is a dentist, both are healers. Hermey is also portrayed ever so slightly effeminately, like John.

Yukon Cornelius is Matthew. Why, he overcame is greed and ambition, decided to follow Jesus immediately. After quitting his job as a tax collector- working with gold, money. Matthew is also known visually by his beard in Christian iconography.

In addition, Cornelius is a direct reference to the first gentile convert to Christianity, a Roman general named Cornelius.

The Christian symbolism doesn’t end there though, the symbol of Mark is a winged lion- royalty, and power. All of which can be used to describe King Moonraiser.


Names are never random in a story, especially this one. Clarice means bright, shining, gentle clear. While Donner means loud or irascible. What does Rudolph mean? It means “fame-wolf”, which seems like random nonsense, but what is Rudolph? The metaphorical wolf without a pack, searching for a pack, who stands out.



Color is a prominent theme. White, lightness is good, looked up to. Santa is white, lives in a castle with purple walls. Purple is the color of royalty and not the color of the dark brown reindeer. Being lighter is good, Clarice is lighter and lusted after, Rudolph’s mom is lighter. Fireball is noticeably blonde and popular. Being lighter is beautiful, an advantage.

While being darker and different looking, like Rudolph is bad. So bad no one wants to be associated with him, Clarice can’t see him. He’s just too different.

Conformity and Otherness

Rudolph is also rife with the dangers of conformity and the suffering of otherness. Useful otherness is shunned in the name of conformity, they don’t need a dentist at the North Pole, it never gets dark? Otherness is not seen as the gift it can be, but a curse. If you don’t blend in, go with the program, fill your gender or racial role you are out.

Unless those skills are useful, of course. Which they forcibly become for Rudolph & Hermey.

Feminine vs. Masculine

There is also a strong juxtaposition between masculine and feminine. The masculine, power, in charge elements of the story, demean Rudolph, and every misfit ever. But the feminine elements and characters are the exact opposite. Love is more important than acceptance, conformity. They also openly defy their roles, fight back- in a more subtle way.

Although this seems unnoticed, who has to get back to the North Pole? The Women, because without them there would be no more does, babies, sopranos at Elf Practice. It’s their job, place, to be supportive and motherly. Which has been, and always will be a double-edged sword.

Greed, Consumerism

Greed and consumerism is openly expressed in Rudolph as being bad- even by the white narrator snowman, and silly. Yukon Cornelius is bumbling around, changing his mind about what he’s after- while not noticing his dogs are clearly not sled dogs. Symbolizing the flimsy, unreliable foundations of capitalism.

The Island of Misfit Toys is another example, they are discarded, unwanted, and flawed. The children deserve better. They aren’t rejects, mistakes like those toys. Santa has to be reminded of their existence, and he created them in the first place. Doesn’t it seem like everyone who creates problems today has to be reminded to be responsible, resolve them anymore, to not forget their literal and metaphorical refugees.

Love, Acceptance

Love is a powerful force, it makes you do crazy things. Just to be accepted, loved, liked- it helps you rationalize with hiding who you really are, lying, thinking you’re helping by making someone do that.

When love really is accepting someone, loving them for who they really are, like Mrs. Donner, not Donner. When Rudolph and his disciples are denied this, they are at their lowest point. But when they do eventually get it, whatever the cost- they are happy.

Even the toys realize that they need to be loved, that they are nothing without it.

The Cost of Acceptance

Not to say that all men are evil and racist, cold enforcers of the unjust and uncaring “natural order”, just in this movie. But do they have a point? Is conformity bad, or good, does having the power make you right, not having it wrong?

And what of the Abominable? Who will challenge the authority of the ruling powers now, is the Abominable happy, “cured”? Seeing him bumble around is funny, but does he miss his own personal agency and resent bumbling around, want his teeth back? Everyone needs teeth. And everyone, whether they like it or not, needs a dream and perceptions crushing, question raising, Abominable.

Life, especially in Christmas Town, is a tricky thing. A tricky thing which everyone navigates through using the metaphorical eyes of Rudolph. Fight the power.

gift ideas, introverts, Tips, Uncategorized

Great Gifts for Introverts

It’s the holidays, do you know what that means? Time to conspicuously con-sume, sume, sume! Everyone likes getting gifts, even your introverted friends. They may not say much because you may or may not be worth their time, but who doesn’t like presents?

Cell Phone for the Deaf

Does anyone talk on the phone anymore? No, why not embrace it with a cell phone for the deaf? Your introvert doesn’t have to be deaf to appreciate this gift. Will they be safe from telemarketers and scams? No, but it takes longer to type that you’re a Nigerian Prince than say that you’re Nigerian Prince.

Sleep Mask

Some people like to talk, a lot. When they should really be recharging. Your introvert will love to put this on people who really need to shut up, sleep mode activated! Someone else’s turn to talk.

Ear Plugs

It’s really fun to say “What are You Saying?” There are variations of this game, your introvert can put these in and guess what someone else is saying- with surprising accuracy. Or put them in and time someone until they actually get to the point- most communication is nonverbal, there are clues.

Plus they help you sleep without having to watch “The Big Bang Theory” and “Young Sheldon”, and “This is Us” and other quality programs that keep people up way past your bedtime, mysteriously disappear from the scheduled recordings.


You never know if or when you’ll have to go to prison. Or when your drunk uncle will stop being racist- which is why a shank is always handy. Just stab yourself painfully, exclaim that you stabbed yourself painfully, and it would be selfish to keep listening to drunk uncle. You need medical attention!

Note, does not work on Facebook.

Duct Tape

Sleep Mask not subtle enough? Need to make a prom dress? Whatever your introvert’s need duct tape can solve it. Drunk Uncle see you stab yourself? Duct tape, is that darn so and so squirming and screaming in the back of someone’s trunk? Duct tape, a broken laptop hinge, duct tape!


A free hug, one acknowledging glance, one “I won’t talk about politics on Facebook for a Day”, these are coupons anyone could use, but especially introverts. 30 seconds of uninterrupted talking, a Shakesperean monologue on what a joke actually is and to stop being proles in two minutes or less, throw that one my way! Says everybody who actually knows what a joke is and appreciates QUALITY entertainment.

Photo Album

Your introvert friend has memories, so do you, you might share some. But are they in pictures that the NSA can’t trace or be used by a Catfish? Is your introverted friend even in the picture? No, give them a photo album full of very rough, non-trackable doodles of those memories.

Preferably in a language Skynet cannot understand.

A Book

What does your introvert like to read? Besides you every day? Books! A book or gift card for books would be highly appreciated. They’re like little shields that say “Leave me alone, I am learning!”

Service Human Vest

Introverts and extroverts can make a great team, solidify this bond with a service human vest. Just strap it on and go places with your introvert, help them with their social awkwardness, encourage meaningful chit chat and socialization. Tell people who try to hit on them to stop being Ike Turner, service humans are invaluable.

Gallcohol, Galcohol Ift Cards

Alcohol, or alcohol gift cards are a great resource to help alleviate social anxiety and sing along to “Wannabee” in public. Your introvert will find sometime, somewhere, somewhen, somewhy, somewhom, somewho, somewhat to use them- because life.

Best of all, these gift options are all unisex and useful year round. Any introvert would love them, especially the duct tape and shank. So go out and shop, or create- the service human vest is a fun craft project, so are the coupons. Give the gift of understanding this holiday season, give gifts your introvert friends will love!