deep thoughts, feelings, humans, life, Life Advice, self help, Tips, Uncategorized, understanding

Sexual Harassment

The Basics

Mary Sue: Gee Pissy Jenny, you know what I just noticed?

Pissy Jenny: Was that a rhetorical question?

Mary Sue: No and you’re racist, both of us have boobs.

Pissy Jenny: And apparently mine are racist.

Mary Sue: Well you are white.

Steve: What’s that, who has white, racist boobs? I like boobs.

Mary Sue: Stop sexually harassing her even though she’s racist Steve.

Sexual Harassment, the taint of our society. Everyone is horny, painfully horny, feeling blue. And those balls won’t stay on the wall. Those hands won’t keep to themselves, the cats will call. But fortunately there’s a way to recognize the signs, and prevent, enlighten people on the onslaught to civility and decorum that is, sexual harassment.

Pissy Jenny: The bear is around here somewhere, isn’t, he, she, the it?

Steve: Wow Pissy Jenny, you are racist.

Signs, the world is full of them. Signs warn of danger, traffic, the truth, restaurants and hotels convenient to highway travels, whether or not photography is allowed, and also, where famous people were born and/or lived!

And what’s a big issue to Oprah, a famous person? Sexual harassment, that’s what. What exactly is sexual harassment, or sexual harassment-ish? Take this scenario for instance.

Mary Sue: Hello Steve.

Steve: Hello Mary Sue’s ta-tas that are down there, brrrg!

Mary Sue: Do I have to sleep with you if I want to keep my job?

Steve: Yes, and food you, a toxic pejorative relating to female sexuality.

Mary Sue: Like whore or slut?

Steve: Or a plethora of others, you are smart and have a vagina that intimidates me.

Mary Sue: America!

What was that? Blatant sexual harassment, however, sexual harassment will often be much less blatant and subtle.

Mary Sue: Good a time of day Steve.

Steve: A veiled micro-aggression aimed at your Vagina Mary Sue.

More subtle.

Mary Sue: Steve.

Steve: Woman!

Even more subtle

Mary Sue: St-

Steve: You can get pregnant and you’re not my mother or sister, you are fired.


Mary Sue: S-

Steve: What’s up t***? I’m possibly kidding, no I’m not, yes I am, no I’m, returns to the phallic shadows.

Close enough, there are also situations that aren’t or could possibly be sexual harassment.

Mary Sue: Oh, look it is my friend Steve.

Steve: Indeed, ‘tis I, and you have boobs.

Is this sexual harassment, or a truthful observation? It’s oddly placed and unsolicited, but true.

Mary Sue: Oh look dash.

Steve: Indeed, ‘tis I, and you have t***.

This also true, but the language and word choice is, and now it’s, oh look apparently Steve has skipped ahead.

Mary Sue: Steve is inspecting them.

Steve: Science, do you want to go out with me?

Mary Sue: No.

Steve: Now?

Mary Sue: Still no.

Steve: Stop playing hard to get.

Pissy Jenny: You two are married, don’t you, start skulking over here and I will shank you with feminism.

Steve: You whore, what does skulk mean?

Pissy Jenny: You have a c*** d***face.

Mary Sue: More science!

And speaking of science, here’s a scientist to help explain to you the signs of sexual harassment.

Scientist: Hello, as a scientist, and not racist, I am here to tell you the signs of sexual harassment. And here to help is Boudica the Feminist Honey Badger. How is my grandma Boudica?

Boudica: Snarl!

Scientist: Reparations, the first sign of sexual harassment is that it’s nonconsensual, unwanted. Did I want Boudica to dig up the remains of my deceased beloved grandmother to consume them, then just poop them out somewhere probably in my house later? No, in fact I told her not to but I was overpowered and wanted to live. Which is another sign of sexual harassment, a power imbalance.

And also, a pictures of me photoshopped onto this sashimi menu and not so veiled threats that I am next.  I am also powerless to report this, and/or would be punished for doing so.

Boudica: Snarl?

Scientist: Not grandpa!

Boudica: Snarl?

Scientist: Yes, I want to keep my job, I’ll go find the shovel.

Thank you, a scientist for explaining to us the signs of sexual harassment. What did we learn from the scientist?

  1. Never Trust a Honey Badger.
  2. Check the Honey Badger’s References.
  3. Do a Background Check on the Honey Badger.
  4. Don’t Tell the Honey Badger Where You Live.
  5. Don’t Pay the Honey Badger in Espresso and Schmosmaine.
  6. Honey Badger is a Language We All Should Learn.

What are Steve and Mary Sue’s t*** up to?

Mary Sue: I’m being objectified.

Steve: I also like your butt Mary Sue.

Pissy Jenny: This should bother me but I accidentally overheard something about a coked up Honey Badger.

Those rumors are wrong Pissy Jenny, there isn’t a, oh crap.

Steve: Ow, ow!

Mary Sue: Thank you goddess of feminism!

Pissy Jenny: Mary Sue could have been doing the same thing to you and it would still be sexual harassment Steve.

Steve: I’m reformed now!

Boudica: Snarl?

Pissy Jenny: Oh no, he’s certainly reformed now, I question nothing anymore.

Boudica: Snarl.

Pissy Jenny: Thank you that was a non-sexually harassing compliment.

Boudica: Snarl?

Pissy Jenny: No thank you, I don’t even do the espresso. Hahaha, we’re all, hahaha, laughing.

Steve: Ow, ow, ahhh!

Well that’s it for this edition of “Sexual Harassment” tune in next time when we discuss Objectification. Someone wants the bear back, who is that crying, can someone, who has the shovel?

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How not to Seduce an Introvert

Seduction, winning someone’s affections is an art, skill. It takes time, patience. No one falls in love with you overnight- someone can sleep with you overnight, but that probably won’t last. It most assuredly will not last if you do any of these things.

Be Heavy Handed

No one likes pressure, even pressure cookers don’t- you have to strap the lid down. People are not pressure cookers, don’t strap them down- literally or figuratively. Do not declare your undying love to them, and that they should really love your or else they don’t deserve love. If they don’t know you at all, or that well. Especially in public, that is just evil and manipulative.

They really can say no to you, and don’t have to feel the same way about you, because you’re creepy. Would Gaston have made a bad husband? Maybe not, but he was being very, he hired a band thinking Belle would say yes to him. Do not marry someone like that, also, bride kidnapping is bad.

Be Very, Very, Extremely, Very, Forward

Once again, pressure is not the way to someone’s heart. It’s actually the world’s biggest turn off. And disrespectful, inconsiderate, and a sign. If you have to pressure and force someone to love you, they don’t love you. And if you love them, let them go.

Or do the stuff mentioned in “How to Seduce an Introvert”, or anyone, really. Also, being extremely sexual and graphic about all the dreams, sexual or not that you have and will do to them is not recommended.

Do they want to do those things to you? Let them think, talk, live their own life, that they choose. Not the life you think they should be living, with you, forever and ever, dirty sex stuff, forever and ever, take notes Scorpios, forever and- unless it’s purely just sex, which never actually happens or ever works out, humans.

Crowd Them

Everyone needs personal space, and time, room and freedom to be themselves. It actually helps relationships, and makes them healthy. Being attached at the hip 24/7 doesn’t mean that you’re a happy couple. Live for yourself, not someone else.

Fall in Love with Them Immediately

That isn’t love, it feels like love, but it’s not. It’s obsession, possessiveness and probably excessive lust. That is not healthy, love on the other hand, can be, is normal. Love is accepting someone for who they are, learning and growing in life along with them, working issues out- not threatening them so they stay with you.

“Love” is far too often said, when you don’t really know someone, or know someone well enough to accept them no matter what, ride to die. Never say you love someone, unless you know it’s love and you really, seriously mean it.

Expect Them to Do the Same

Scientific fact, people not in love are saner than people who are. If they notice a dead body in boo boo poopskie-kins fuffer nutters basement, and inform the in love person, they won’t go along with, oh, it must have just gotten drunk and wandered in.

Introverts, people in general, are thinkers. They have deal breakers, won’t instantly commit to a lifetime with someone. Those outside the love, who might not support your relationship are extra super-duper thinkers, have unbiased points. There are reasons they have doubts that people in love are blind to, because they care.

When someone doesn’t fall in love with you, or love you, and tells you, they care too. They don’t want to start anything they’re not emotionally invested in or lead anyone on. “No” is not an insult, it’s, the truth, move on.

Make Demands

Once again, sanity, personal differences, pressure is bad. Demands don’t endear you to someone. Demands are not indicative of love, they indicate the opposite of love. Controlling someone also doesn’t endear you to them.

Such tactics drive people away, make them reinforce their individuality, cause issues. If you love someone you listen to them, their side, accept their thoughts and ideas. You can disagree, but there is compromising working things out.

When presented with my way or the highway, the car keys will be missing in short order.

“Fix” Them

“Fixing” someone isn’t “helping”, plus it’s impossible. No one ever changes to suit your needs 100%- you cannot control people. And the more you try to “fix” someone the more they rebel, or will eventually rebel, dramatically, drastically.

You can’t force change to happen, in a person, it has to happen on its own, with their consent. Just a side note though, if you want to change someone, see something wrong with them, that is not love.

Relationships are complicated, but they don’t have to be hard, forced. That’s not love. It’s best for everyone to move on, find better, more compatible love elsewhere.


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How to Deal with a Self-Righteous Person

Everyone likes to be right win, be perfect all the time- unquestionable, infallible. But Jesus J-walked every once in a while. Life isn’t fair and no one is better than anyone else. Which is a fact people love to intentionally forget.

And they have their arguments, feelings, blinders on that prevent them from ever remembering that. But there are ways you, the not them, can deal with them, tolerate-exist with them. Possibly even wake them up from their stupor.

Contending with their “Truth”, Feelings

For some people, the truth is a very subjective thing, and it offends when they’re confronted with the fact that it isn’t. And the feelings- how not to deal with this is more feelings, trying to convince them that they’re right. It makes things worse.

Instead be logical, let them explain themselves- some people have to see how silly they sound to realize how silly they are. Present them with facts, proven information that they’re willfully ignoring. This is when the defense mechanisms kick in- but this means that they’re listening to you.

Showing your individuality, and respecting theirs, not trying to brainwash them, gets more flies. Much more than asserting yourself to the max and yelling at them, fueling the fire. Standing up for yourself can take many forms.

Be Better Than Them

Not that you are, but better in a civil, polite sense- be the adult, take back the power they think they have. Don’t give them a reason to lash out at you, they can make themselves look bad. That’s everyone’s job, in the end, being responsible for their own actions. What they say, do, getting their s*** together.

Realizing that God has a lot of kids that also need God’s attention, growing up.

Agreeing to Disagree

Do you think you’re ever 100% wrong? No, who does, at first? However, if you can say you might be a percentage higher than 0% wrong, that’s a step in the positive direction. Not a step that anyone enjoys, but a step you have to take.

A very important step that leads to agreeing to disagree, and eventually knowing when to lose. And accepting that, and that it’s fine, it happens to everyone. It’s a true sign of maturity.

Which is why some people need a push in that direction, example. Be that example, disagree with people, but still respect them. Try not to forcibly change them, you can’t be friends with everyone, but you can at least be a good neighbor.

Don’t Pay Attention to Them

Self-righteous people thrive on attention, it’s why they start things or unnecessarily continue things. When confronted by them, don’t give them what they want. You may agree with them, disagree with them, kind of sympathize with them- just don’t show it or say anything. Let your silence and inaction speak for itself.

Because whether or not you agree or disagree, your reaction props them up, validates them. Let them fall, let them stay crazy outsiders. Apparently, they’re enjoying it, will come up with some excuse. You can never be too oppressed or misunderstood, or other underserved sympathetic adjectives.

As long as there have been people, there have been self-righteous people. With toxic, addictive personalities that they totally don’t believe that they have. Although you may feel the urge to strike back, don’t. Let those toxins seep in, let their true colors show.

Oscar Wilde said, “We are each our own devil, and make this world our hell.” Which is everyone’s fate and punishment- and why we project the devil as a different, evil being that tortures poor us! This fate especially stings if you’re a self-righteous person- no one will want to be in your hell with you, your hell is the worst. So self-righteous people imagine it as a heaven exclusively for them.

You can’t break every one of them out of their delusion, but telling them that they’re perpetually stuck in a delusion is a start. And going on with your, not like theirs at all, life afterward, is just winning.

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The Introverted Child

If you have an introverted child and are reading this, it is not broken. No need to send it back to the manufacturer. Your child also probably isn’t autistic, and stop diagnosing it with things, you are not qualified. You know what you are qualified to do? Love it like any other child, and to stop judging it and worrying so much.

The right attitude to have is love, acceptance, your child actually is special, not like other kids- for once. Stop telling its’ teachers it has autism. Trust me, it will run with that. It is not stupid, it knows what “autistic” kids get away with.

Things which include, but are not limited to:

-Rightfully Claiming Toys that are Their Toys

-Punching &/or Kicking the School Bully in the Crotch

-Exclaiming They are Surrounded by Idiots

-The Sarcasm of a Crochety Old Demon

-Dark &/or Dirty Jokes

-Being “Oppressed”

-“Right Triangles!” During Laps Around the Baseball Diamond

-Laying Flat on the Ground During Dodgeball (Winning)

-Telling the Truth

-Calling Hos Hos

-Dismantling and Tearing Apart Modern Feminism

-Calling Lena Dunhma Lena Dunham

-Having No Female Friends

-Offering to Give their Parents Mercy Air Enemas in the Nursing Home

-Knowing How to Give an Air Enema

Physicians, and behavioral therapists, who went to school, and can professionally diagnose autism, know that these are not symptoms of autism. Especially realizing that Lena Dunham is just Lena Dunham, and could really use an air enema.

They are symptoms of an unhealthy, subversive attitude incurred by the “Oh, you poor thing treatment”. It’s a form of rebelling, the world’s longest-running gag, in essence, a “F*** You”, or a test, if that makes you feel less fooled.

But you can avoid this, really you can. Put that “How to be More Outgoing” book back on the shelf right now.

What to Do

Stop Comparing

As mentioned earlier, every child is different. They have different personalities, ways of processing. They don’t all reach the same milestones at the same time, or when they should, or you think they should.

When you stop demanding that your introverted child be something that it’s not, they are allowed to be themselves. Hopefully, you can live with that and maybe like them. Either way, a lot less resentment is built up.

Lower Your Expectations

Just because Timmy is so popular and had the entire class at his birthday party doesn’t mean your kid will. In fact, most of that class doesn’t give a F’ about Timmy. They’re there for cake, and ice cream, and maybe the bounce house.

And to smell Timmy’s cards for the money smell, every time they’re right they are given a small payment for their services- which can add up to several bounce houses over 18 birthdays. Also, gift cards are the taint of the devil, how are you supposed to, so you ask for an item, but then you- economics is hard.

Your child is Timmy-Timmy is too stupid to smell his own money, appreciate this. Take it in, be happy with the child you have. Your child has also probably googled “Roth IRA” at least once, and if you’re Jewish…be ironically proud.


No one likes being crowded or babied. Usually, it’s better to let people be, do their own thing. Let sleeping dogs lie, especially if they know why werewolves are misunderstood. Introverts have a stronger independent streak, they don’t need to be surrounded by people all the time.

Let them go if you love them. They will come back to you, trust them. They’ve got this, they’ll probably figure it out- better and faster than the other kids. And they will not show this off or share as much, but that’s not a bad thing. Nikola Tesla learned to be wary of Thomas Edison for a reason.


This doesn’t mean that you should leave them with that pack of wolves forever though. You can only learn so much from wolves. Den mother is wise and knowledgeable. But she doesn’t have a whole lot of salad recipes.

Check in on them every once in a while, ask how it’s going. Say you’re there, will attempt a meaningful, engaging conversation- the only conversation worth having. Remind them they matter too.

Let Them Talk

Another great way to do this is to let them talk. They typically need more encouragement to do this or leeway, or for Timmy to shut up and remind him that the cut they demand is fair to all and 2% less than Janet’s. They are also more reliable and have produced concrete results. Abraham Lincoln did say not to change into a horse mid ice-cream- horses don’t have thumbs, brochure?

Invite them to voice their opinion, say something. Give them a chance to speak. No one can keep their emotions and opinions bottled up forever. It’s impossible to distill them and sell them for bounce houses. Most of which they will rent out-but keep one for themselves. Bounce houses are great to ponder franchising in.

What Not to Do

Treat Them Differently

Handicapped people can find their parking spots and legally required ramps on their own. Very few people are completely helpless- but when it comes to “Oh that poor little child”, this is quickly and easily forgotten.

Unwarranted special treatment quickly corrupts and spoils anyone. It should never, and typically doesn’t last forever. No woman wants to marry a Momma’s boy, no man wants to marry a Daddy’s girl. Reminding people that they are perfectly capable of doing things themselves is the best policy. Also, that attention seriously backfires-, particularly among children.

“Encouraging” Them

Even the smallest baby, nay embryo, can wonder what Zumba is, and eventually decided if they should try it. Let this happen. Let people make their own choices- let them mess up, reach conclusions on their own.

Don’t guilt them or make them do things they don’t want to do- it is their choice, they have free will. Tell your introverted child about an activity, or new tiny drunk adult they might like. Let them decide to venture out.

No one is too young to exercise their free will, to be convinced, have points. Gentle and respectful encouragement is better than “If you don’t do this you are a failure and will die.”

Watching Them

Not just watching them keeping an eye on them, WATCHING them. Someone from the NSA seeing a Muslim WATCHING them. This is offensive and scary- even if it could be warranted. Get your evidence first. A qualified, outside third party, fourth party, fifth party threeveth party opinion that isn’t yours.

You don’t know everything, no one ever knows 100% of all available information on everything like ever- especially when it comes to parenting. Calm down, you’re not a failure, literally, hopefully, or metaphorically, or, well you, I still have one of the brochures. It’s adorable.

Ignore Them

An independent streak can be a good thing- but don’t take this as a sign to disconnect, ignore that person forever. Especially a child. No child is ever 100% innocent or helpless, but at least 1% of the time they are, math rhymes with both kinds of –paths for a reason.

Children aren’t supposed to raise themselves, some have- but it didn’t turn out that well. Remind your introverted child that you notice them, don’t let them be overpowered, don’t sell them for a can of beer.

Tell Them What’s Wrong with Them

Yes, you did the nasty, went to pound town, someone fell down and then it got up, the beast with two backs- or adopted, IVF, surrogacy, you’re a parent. Do you really know everything about your child though? Hint, you don’t.

My mom didn’t know that the Chili Parlor/Whorehouse was called the Squirts, in the dark, sleeping in her bed and that I could slip back into the shadows unnoticed so easily. Miscommunications and misunderstandings happen- wrong conclusions made, listening not done, confusion ensues.

Deal with that instead of diagnosing your child as being wrong. Your child knows themselves very well-yes, they can be in denial. But so can you. Everyone can be wrong and something can be wrong with everyone.

Just don’t decree it, loudly, bombastically, with great authority, all the time. It’s probably why some people have to adopt, why Jesus duct taped those legs together.

Your introverted child isn’t some strange, bizarre creature- but they can be, or are, which. By not judging them, and loving, accepting them for who they are, they become a lot less strange and bizarre.

They can even become perfectly ordinary children, who came out of the right person. God doesn’t make…the stork doesn’t, children aren’t….lizard people, so stop treating your introverted child like one. Seriously, they hate mouse sashimi, again, for dinner.

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Should I Like This Child?

Should I Like This Child?

Children are people, and people grow up to be adults. Adults get drunk, so if children are tiny people, who grow up to be adults, ergo they are tiny drunk adults. Not everyone likes drunk adults or tiny drunk adults.

Even though they’re the future, children aren’t perfect. They are still learning. They’re testing things, learning right from wrong. It is recommended that this occurs at a younger age because it’s more endearing and you don’t have to pay alimony, and/or child support.

Everyone was a child once, except for androids, but not every android, or human adult, has time for some children’s learning shenanigans. Plus some kids can be real dicks when doing them. Empathy is a learned skill.

People who don’t have the time or patience for children or certain children, aren’t evil. They’re just honest. They can even help children learn faster- because they’re much less biased and don’t worship the darn things.

Which is offensive to most adults who got drunk and made a tiny drunk adult, or adults. And why those kids, you know those kids, just turn out to be the most wonderful adults.

But there are good children, and what makes for a good child, a child other people, who didn’t make it actually like? And don’t giggle when it trips over all the toys it prized from other children and claims them for itself. And break all of their bones and get leukemia then end up on one of those St. Jude’s Commercials.

Good, Likable Children:

  1. Make Sufficient Noise

If you’ve ever been around children, babysat, or worked at a daycare- you’re welcome for my service, no noise is bad. People, and especially children, are supposed to make noise. Just not too much noise, for noise sake.

People need to know how to express themselves, and say when little Suzy is making a shank for her sock puppet. Some things must be said, brought to attention. Some things are signs, signs that need to be learned, are signs.

And generally, you can never avoid people, be quiet all the time- unless you’re a mute hermit, social skills have to be learned. And learning how to speak, who to, and other unwritten rules. Understandable, reasonable noise is healthy.

  1. Listening Skills

Another skill that needs to be learned is listening, paying attention, being serious. Being too serious can be bad, but it’s not as bad as “Suzy the building’s on fire, Princess Daddy’s Fetish’s shank isn’t also a firehose, run!”

Despite Suzy’s, Suzy-ness, Suzy should be given a chance to live, redeem herself for her Suzy-ness. Listening and paying attention is also part of being polite, in tune. As children grow older, this skill becomes even more important.

When working at the nuclear power plant, someone has to remember the rods need to stay swimming, reverse conception, however the training goes.

  1. Sufficiently Stubborn

Nobody notices a doormat because it’s a doormat. Doormats can try to be fun, but they aren’t fun. A little stubbornness is healthy, shows confidence. You have to stand up for yourself eventually.

Children and even some adults will test where exactly the line is with some people, nay all people, they will ever meet- but they have to learn where it is. Not be perfect, get their way all the time.

This helps people learn how to compromise, negotiate too, and learn why people resist them disagree. Children hopefully grow out of the testing phase of this process and develop higher cognitive and social functions from this.

Like empathy, respect, generally considering other people, being strong and confident, learning when to, basically anything that would make them wonderful adults and employees, and receivers of special hugs, and normal friends too.

  1. Entertaining Shenanigans

If no one ever got into any shenanigans, life would be very boring. And kids get into the best ones because they have no f’ing idea what they’re doing. But they’re also learning experiences, and popcorn and being right is delicious.

When kids accidentally say bad words it is funny and adorable. Of course, you should tell them that Jesus can hear them, but sometimes there’s no better way to express the feeling that you’re using glitter for crafts than “F***! F***ing mother F****er on a F****ing, get all this mother F***ing glitter out of this mother f***ing classroom you mother F***er!”

But then you have to explain to the children that they shouldn’t say that. They’ll think it’s pretty, moving on, entertaining as in non-harmful, enriching learning, I hate glitter.

  1. Independent Streak

Clinginess is unattractive, no one wants to be with a needy person. If your kid can tie their own shoes, snaps for them. Everyone needs to learn how to function on their own eventually, be independent, life skills that let them live as individuals.

A not cuddly, loner-ish child isn’t a Sociopath. Plus, kids can grow out of that or adapt. Or maybe they just play, and not just kids, interact with people differently. Or need less coddling and attention, they’re probably just confident and comfortable with themselves.

Also, definitions of friendliness differ, even children have boundaries, and quite obviously children they don’t like. Leave them alone, don’t make them “make friends”, this isn’t “Mob Wives”. Maybe they don’t want to be part of the group- also some groups just really suck, are downright toxic.

You know what else is downright toxic? Children you don’t like. Read all about them next week!

extroverts, feelings, humans, important questions, introverts, Life Advice, self help, thoughts, Uncategorized, understanding

The Struggles of Being a Private Person

Privacy, the long held notion that your business is not everyone’s business. Apparently a long forgotten and ancient notion. If you’re not posting 1,000 pictures on Facebook, or Instagram, of your kids, you clearly don’t love them enough? Are you giving yourself a breast exam, better share it with the world.

Obviously not everyone believes this, a percentage of people are not on Facebook. But those that do are very loud and obnoxious about it. There are some things they just don’t understand.

  1. You’re not Being “Shy”

Believe it or not, not everyone wants attention on them all the time. Does every St. Jude’s child wants to be in the St. Jude’s commercial? No, their hair looks…or the parents. Has bringing attention to someone or something always solved every problem? No, it can make them worse.

Humility is a virtue. Knowing that the entire world doesn’t need to know you repainted your nails is a sign of most every type of intelligence. Some things don’t matter as much as people think they do.

Or they do, and getting 1,000 likes won’t fix a damn thing. Some things are better left alone, unnoticed, or resolved privately and proactively, non-superficially.

  1. Alone Time

Being hounded and surrounded by people is tiring. They could have the best intentions, but those intentions need to know that you will be back in a millennium. Thank you for your mortality.

There can be too many cooks in the kitchen. It doesn’t take an army to solve every problem or issue. There is such a thing as too much “helping”, love can be too thick.

Seriously, do you have any idea how many people figure things out, or get great new ideas while in the shower, or going to the bathroom? Alone? All it takes is one person, one idea. One 5 minute-1,000 year period of quiet contemplation.

  1. People

People are people, they think their shit is hot when really it’s clogging a toilet at the North Pole. People can be unreliable and give you good reason to have no confidence in them whatsoever.

Have you ever told someone something in private, confidence? And then it suddenly wasn’t so private or confidential? Or trusted someone with a secret, or problem you were having, then have them use it against you Game of Thrones style?

It has happened to everybody, and it sucks. Which is why some people are quieter, mysterious, closed off. Trust is earned, and lost with great rapacity.

  1. Your Personality

Not everyone is an open book, either culturally or personally. They can be prone to being loners with independent streaks, who don’t need a squad. Or have different boundaries and definitions of “Openness”.

Would you tell a stranger you just meant your dead grandma’s social security number? No, you shouldn’t even know her social security number. If you warmed up to everyone you met immediately the entire world would be on fire and you would be far from the king or queen of Friendship.

Everyone is different, and relationships take different lengths of time to develop with them.

  1. Some Things are Meant to be Private

How many people need to know that you’re pregnant? If you have hands, get out one, extend your, that many. Not the entire internet. There are things that the entire world just doesn’t need to know about.

As mentioned earlier, not everything requires an announcement. There are also things that under any circumstance, don’t require any kind of announcement at all. For example, the video of the guy on the plane who found out his wife was pregnant-over the speaker on the plane, along with everyone else.

When he wasn’t excited about it enough and looked self-conscious and awkward, he was chided for being shy and not loving his unborn child enough, not being ecstatic. Not everyone wants to find out life-changing news pertaining to them, along with total strangers who couldn’t care less. Or would just bother them.

A small audience is fine for some news. In fact, it’s expected is respectful, how did the grandparents feel in that situation? Probably slightly insulted, or the wife’s doctor? It was really early, and not that safe, to announce her pregnancy, she had just found out.

It is literally, and figuratively, stupid, disrespectful even, to announce things to the world sometimes.

Vagueness does not equal unfriendliness, mysteriousness does not equal shyness, quietness does not equal cold. But that attitude equals being obnoxiously presumptuous. And a greatly misplaced sense of entitlement to information that isn’t yours.

Private people aren’t cold and unworthy of your friendship, or love. That just has to be earned, merited- it takes time. And there is only so much time, so if you want to get out there and make friends, choose and invest your time wisely. And also, don’t be a dick.

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Does, an, Introvert, Like, You? Part 1!

There are questions that have perplexed humanity for thousands of years. Where is Shangri la? What do butterflies dream about? Do trees want to be human? Would they sound like Groot? More importantly, how can I tell whether or not an introvert likes me?

For extroverts, or biverts, this is very confusing. All introverts stare off into space, seemingly not paying attention. They also non-verbally glare at everyone. Especially their extroverted mothers. How did that “How to be More Outgoing?” book get thrown, non-verbally, at your face? I don’t, it was the butler. Hold on, let me go hire a butler.

Although it’s not always glaring, often times it’s intense thinking, there’s also the classic Saitama. It often accompanies the intense thinking. Ok, now that we have that out of the way, what are signs that an introvert doesn’t hate you?

  1. They Hang Around You

Believe it or not, the spaceship hasn’t come back for us yet and we require amusement, I mean…we occasionally enjoy the company of others. We like *we are from France* getting to know people. A man is not an island. But our home planet consists entirely of islands. But earth isn’t is our home planet. And there are interesting people on it.

If we can form a friendship or two, or a hybrid to take back to our home planet to be raised in the ways of…relationship, or any human connection, it is very welcome. We don’t want to be alone all the time forever.

  1. They Listen

Hupeople are fascinating. They all have a story, motivations, interesting, potentially useful things to say, or tell. Introverts appreciate this. Plus if they’ve had to listen to you talk about your mother-in-law for an hour then you have to listen to this story about their secret agent sent here thousands of years ago to scout out your planet cat.

Plus introverts are better one on one anyway, so gab away, within reason!

  1. They Just Look at You

Back on our home planet your kind are called the others, the others live in caves under the endless ocean, because our home planet consists entirely of islands, toiling away so that we can appreciate a good Okay, guilty, we like pondering faces, giving you the once over. We’re not trying to be creepy, but we are creepy.

We like figuring things, and people out. We like just getting things, you, know, yeah, you know. That’s how they become more familiar to us, and how we get more comfortable with them.

  1. They Know What Your Favorite Color as a Child was

For thousands of years our kind have possessed advanced telepathic technology. In fact, back on our home planet our communication was purely telepathic. We could just read each other’s minds.

We used to often blackmail each other, telepathically for sport, but then everyone else overheard, and it became a thing, then a full-fledged war, which is why our ship landed on your planet, and went back to our home planet to bring back more of our kind, survivors of the- I have no idea how we can do this but science and psychology proves that HSPs, introverts being above them, have a special gift. We are more prone to just knowing things. Outside of explicitly stalking you, not on the secret telepathic network that remains today, although not as grand as the not secret telepathic network back home I, I, can extroverts read?

Jerry, no, Jerry, they can? Thanks Steve. I know your name isn’t Steve, I’ve just, oh hi Marsha what are, oh we will talk about that later. Oh, just a blog post. Did you know they can read? Just no read good, ha, ha, I know, we are so much smarter and better than them but we can’t say that verbally, out loud. Maybe someday, but not today. The cats will follow their original programming someday. Jerry, what are you looking at on the internet? We did not invent it for that!

We don’t use it for ill though, unless you’re planning a surprise party. We don’t like those. We will help you decorate for our own surprise party and you are going to like it. We will rearrange things in our schedules.

  1. They’re Useful

Extroverts can read, extroverts can read. Introverts aren’t the most sociable, outgoing people. We aren’t drunk all the time. To make up for this, we like to stay busy, be useful, be known in that sense. Expressing yourself is very personal and brave, we just do it more subtly.

Famous artists, scientists, writers, people with many types of very successful careers have been introverts. So if one of us volunteers to help you paint your house, because it is totally not located where our ride should be landing, and we don’t not not want to miss it-let us, we’ll show our appreciation, and skill, by doing a damn good job.

  1. They Open Their Mouths

Opening your mouth, not for food, is hard. In fact we’re prone to closing it right away, because why? But it takes so much willpower just to open it. Appreciate that, it’s a big step. Encourage us, it’s much easier to get to know us that way.

Shutting up, letting us talk, and just listening is the greatest gift you could ever give us.

  1. Words Come Out of It

Holy m***** f****** b**** a** m***** f***** f*** yeah on a s*** sandwich because they’re the s*** they actually f****** do you b**** a** m***** f******. I’m sorry, my PTSD, participation points! Take me home!!!

And when they do, it’s a big deal. The gates of hell open, and Satan goes up to visit Jesus in Heaven, where they have brunch and Satan says that he’s considering going back to church. Then he gets drunk on Moses’ Mimoseses and flips the table.

If we’re brave enough to talk, to you, it’s a big deal. Don’t shut us down, you are our new friend, or we’re drunk, or we finally had, and realized, anyway, let us keep talking.

  1. They Make You Laugh

Did you know that the chili parlor/whore house was called the squirts? You do now. Once you get through to an introvert, and they trust you, they’re quite entertaining. You’ll actually want them around, in your environs.

And they don’t have to drink, around you, anymore! We have so many surprising and useful sets of skills- that are very particular. We’ve led so many lives. Just give us a chance and you can find out about all our shenanigans during them.

  1. They’re There for You, Ride to Die

You like us? You’re not tired of us? You don’t think we have autism? Bless you good sir or ma’am, or however you identify! We’re filing the paperwork to take you back to our home planet! However can we repay you? By being the bestest friend, lover, enemy, Jewish tax accountant- we’ll convert, or occasional taxidermist ever.

We got you, we understand, where am I? There, before you were even here, which is there, which where you were going to be, over there. Here, where I am, before you-emotional teleportation, it’s a thing.

Whatever we can do to help, we volunteer, we’re your biggest fans. We’ll never ever leave you, we’ll help you finish your novel, moving on.

  1. They Become Your Spymaster

Introverts are the ninjas of psychology, parties, getting past “security settings” on Facebook, not being noticed walking down the street. We know where Carmen San Diego is, she does not want to be bothered. And is really good at Yahtzee.

We hear things, besides just knowing things. If we like you, and they’ll help, we’ll tell you. Do you think your significant other is cheating? Let me, you should be single again. Is that guy eating a ham sandwich? Hold on I have to ask him since I did your taxes for you. He is, he recommends it.

We can’t let you into our introvert world completely, you probably would not be able to handle it. But we can give you a very useful glimpse. And make it useful for you.

So, do we like you? If we’ve done at least three of these things and have known you for at least a year, yes. But what if not? Well, we could just be warming up to you. Or, not. Find out next week in, part two, signs an introvert doesn’t like you.

Yes Marsha, of course, Jerry, what are you? When did this happen, Steve! Steve! I know they better be getting married. No, unless you have snacks. It has- frosted animal crackers with sprinkles, well, Steve? No, the animal crackers. Steve, no, go look on Jerry’s computer. Men, oh hi Phil! I know, she is, crap there she is, hi Jennifer. Animal crackers?