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How to Argue

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Politics, religion, race, Facebook, the news- what isn’t there to argue about? The thing is, is it done well, are some arguments even arguments, structurally? The answer to both most of the time is, hopefully yes.

Arguments

What is an argument? Technically it is a conversation, written or verbal that revolves around how right or wrong one side, or an issue is. One or more people can have them. They are used to communicate and educate, build bridges when done well, or resolve the issue.

There are serious arguments, not so serious arguments, emotional arguments, logical arguments, logistical arguments- even animals have them, most predominantly cats and dogs.

 Not Arguments

What makes something not an argument? Usually when one side is obviously, factually incorrect, or you just start screaming at each other because feelings- forgetting whatever points you had.

For example, when you argue about illegal immigrants from Pluto, and then someone has to explain science to you- most likely getting very frustrated.

Being civil, listening, and getting over your biases make an argument. Screaming and relying on your feelings, and only your experiences, or something you read on Facebook, doesn’t. Manners and intelligence maketh the argument.

Manners

There is an unwritten etiquette to arguing, everyone deserves a chance to speak, and entertain other notions that aren’t their own. Like maybe Pluto is a freezing hell on the fringes of the solar System that is incapable of hosting intelligent life.

You also must consider others, their experiences, viewpoints. Not only to win, but to also reach amicable solutions. Because even Jesus isn’t the sun, the world revolves around no one. Also, refrain from shouting and resorting to bullying, or force of numbers, sheer passion!

That’s how Gileads are made, do not make a Gilead.

How to

Arguments are a simple concept with universal basics- at least one person, at least two viewpoints, and actual points, plus a means of communicating them.

The Classics

If you made it to high school, or a really nice middle school, you know the foundations of presenting your case. Rhetoric is its own field of study, paired with composition it counts as a major. It is based on four simple concepts:

Ethos

What kind of people are you trying to convince, who’s your audience? Do they have any cultural beliefs, conventions you have to consider? When arguing about Illegal Immigrants from Pluto, a Scientist will remind you Pluto is not a planet, while your therapist might give you Lithium based medication.

 Logos

What is the scientific, logical base of your argument, where’s your evidence? To try a murder in most states, you need a body, or at least a motive and a weapon. Without evidence, you have no argument, or anything to argue about.

Pathos

Feelings, people have them. You also need to appeal to them. You couldn’t convince the Pope that Planned Parenthood isn’t that bad based on the money it saves government assistance over 18 years. The Pope, and people who love babies don’t care about that.

It is also the wrong audience, although perfectly good evidence.

Kairos

Timing is everything, a perfectly timed moment, opportunistic strike has convinced masses, and will continue to do so. Germany didn’t invade Poland just because in the midst of renewed vigor and nationalist fervor. No, Poland totally “attacked” Germany and because German greatness Germany fought back, and won.

This was a lie, but the Nazis knew when and where to strike. Archduke Ferdinand’s assassin also had perfect timing. And isn’t a war a long, drawn out, costly in life and resources argument?

Without any of these, you have no case. And will lose if you fake having one. People act stupid sometimes but aren’t that stupid. Unless they watch Fox News, but that gets into biases. Which will be covered in part two, they’re great for convincing niche audiences.

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Sexual Harassment: Consent

Hello, and welcome back to our educational series on the current bane of our society- sexual harassment. In our last installment Steve learned to ask if he could grope someone first on pain of having his now sensitive genitals attacked by a schmoked up Feminist Honey Badger, again.

Pissy Jenny: We also learned that I’m not racist

Slow down Pissy Jenny, we haven’t quite figured that out yet, consent, interrogative words consent? There are two main ways people consent- verbally and nonverbally. Here’s a verbal example.

Mary Sue: Did you notice that I also have beautiful eyes Steve?

Boudica: Snarl…..

Steve: Feminism.

Here’s a nonverbal example.

Boudica: Snarl…

Steve: Oh look how comfortable you are with me, not saying no, trusting me, and knowing me for a while.

Pissy Jenny: Yeah, I know right.

Mary Sue: Mental agreement!

Boudica: Snarl.

Pissy Jenny: Oxymorons save lives.

There are many ways to verbally consent to intercourse or attention that may lead to intercourse, here are some not- drunk examples.

Steve: I like you Mary Sue.

Mary Sue: As do I, we should make out.

Mary Sue: I think that you are handsome and sexy.

Steve: My penis is ready.

Steve: Hey, do you want to have sex?

Mary Sue: My vagina is ready.

Steve: I think that we should have sex.

Mary Sue: My vagina and limbic system would probably like and enjoy that.

Mary Sue: Gee Steve, it’s been awhile since I’ve been to Pound Town, could you assist me with getting there?

Steve: How fast and smooth or roughly do you want to get there? Here’s a form.

 

Here are some drunk examples.

Steve: I think that you’re hot and have a penis Steve’s Cousin.

Mary Sue: This is true.

Steve Cousin: What a lovely vagina you must have.

Mary Sue: That’s right bitch.

Steve: Do you like my t***?

Mary Sue: I want to go brpph in them.

Steve: I want to expletive things to you because we’ve used t**** a lot already.

Mary Sue: That’s right bitch.

Mary Sue: I want to sloppily make out with your face and ride you like a horse.

Steve: Neigh.

 

Here are “I’m so horny I can’t think straight” examples.

Mary Sue: I’m so horny I can’t think straight.

Steve: Maybe my penis can help not make you a lesbian.

Pissy Jenny: Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

Steve: Your, expletive is distracting me you ravishing sexy woman.

Mary Sue: The right one or the, oh right, poop!

Mary Sue: I need to get pounded hard all night long with your penis Steve.

Steve: That can be arranged.

Steve: Do you require penis you metaphorically dirty girl?

Mary Sue: Yes, but there is still nothing wrong with being a Lesbian and I am not racist.

Steve: Fun fact, I have an erection.

Mary Sue: Oh my, that must be distracting.

You may be asking yourself, gee, what quality verbal examples, but what about nonverbal examples and shouldn’t they take place in a place?

Mary Sue: Holy crap Pissy Jenny, we are in a place!

Pissy Jenny: You should try that entire shelf of liquor and see what happens Boudica.

Ursula: Grr!

Mary Sue: You’re back from your tropical vacation with the pack of wolves!

Ursula: Grr?

Pissy Jenny: It’s okay, you’re transgender, everyone has to like you.

Boudica; Snarl!

Mary Sue: This is just like Vanderpump Rules Yay!

Gee, I wonder what those pack of wolves from our mandatory or else educational series “How to be a Woman” series are doing?

Wolf 1: Growl.

Wolf 2: Growl!

Wolf 3: Growl.

Who doesn’t love looking at pictures of yourself in them on a vacation you, yourself, went on? Not wolves apparently, uh oh it looks like someone had a few too many drinks by their suddenly private pool. Lets check back in at the place.

Boudica: Snarl!

Usrula: Grr!

Mary Sue: S*** is going down!

Steve: I know, it’s hard to flirt with you over the sound of a Transgendered Cross Dressing Bear and Schmoked up Feminist Honey Badger fighting to the death.

Mary Sue: You were flirting with me? A Transgendered Cross Dressing Bear and a Schmoked up Feminist Honey Badger are fighting each other to the death.

Pissy Jenny: I am rooting for one of you! Oh, hello Steve’s Cousin.

Steve’s Cousin: I still exist too.

The Scientist: The honey badger, you can’t-

Pissy Jenny: Oh my God you look like s*** but I still want a martini.

The Scientist: I wear a lot of hats.

Pissy Jenny: The place is a bar.

Steve’s Cousin: Weren’t you-

Pissy Jenny: Yes, Ursula chugged an entire bottle of Rumplemintz and attacked me here once, all the martinis!

As you can see with Pissy Jenny being racist and ordering all of the martinis, nonverbal consent is complicated and not always noticed. Also, Mary Sue and Steve said words. But what did they say, non-verbally?

Steve was flirting with his wife, but she failed to notice because the omnipotent narrator is purposely failing to intervene because omnipotent narrator wants to live, and also, life, hustle bustle, her thoughts- Mary Sue just isn’t in the moment.

Mary Sue: I wish I could be more in this moment, not that moment.

Steve: Yes, a bar stool just narrowly missed your head saving your life.

Mary Sue: LOL.

Steve: Scooching closer to you.

Mary Sue: I am doing the-

Boudica: Snarl!

Mary Sue: Ursula should demand a truce.

Steve: That seems like a good idea, leaning in.

Mary Sue: My face is reddening.

Steve: Mine too.

Mary Sue: I could just be very alarmed with the precarious situation we are in right now.

Or are you flirting, non-verbally back Mary Sue? Not every physical, non-verbal hint that seems consenting is actually, hold on, I’ll just-

Ursula: Grr?

Boudica: Snarl?

Present Boudica with a salmon and pretend to be friends. That’s better, now back to education.

Steve: You have a face that I am touching.

Mary Sue: Hrmphrmmph.

That’s right Mary Sue, you most likely would be responsive to more physical affection.

Mary Sue: Rmphm.

Pissy Jenny: I want to make out with your face Steve’s Cousin.

Steve’s Cousin: Gee, thanks all the martinis!

The Scientist: I couldn’t cut her off or be alarmed with the great speed and alacrity that she drank them because science.

And also, this. Just because someone consents or gives in to you, does that mean you should have sex with them? Find out next time in “People You Shouldn’t Have Sex With”.

Mary Sue: Prhmppphrpmh.

Pissy Jenny: Me am not racist still me thinks you b****.

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How to Survive a Party

Parties, what are parties? Parties are informal-formal social gatherings where you try not to die and survive. You may be asking yourself, what should I ask myself? Well, you should be asking yourself, do I want to survive? Yes, because kittens, snacks, schaudenfreude, and other fun things that life is full of!

Do you want to survive now? Great, here’s some great ways to help you survive a party.

  1. Positive Thoughts

Do you feel like you’re dying? Of course you do, but everyone dies a little bit every day. We’re all screwed! We all die someday! But don’t take this negatively. Death is a sweet, sweet release from the agonizing and suffering of life. And stupid people, -ist people, there’s a special place in Hell for them because the Devil is a feminist. Isn’t that a happy thought?

  1. Set Goals

You might as well do something while you’re dying, think of realistic things you can accomplish. Go over to the punch bowl, spike the punch bowl, say hello and smile at someone. Hide in the kitchen and make friends with the cat. What other reasonable, achievable tasks can you complete?

  1. Research

Thanks to Social Media, you can know so much more about people than you really should. You can know their habits, whereabouts, home address, what they’re allergic to, who they’re dating, relatives, places of employment, phone numbers- use this to your advantage. Learn things, scout the situation out. Who is going to be there? Who can you take out before they get there, Janet?

  1. Look Good

How you feel about yourself can be obvious by how you look. When you’re feeling down, lie to yourself. Look good, look the best, make a good impression. A compliment can be a start to a conversation- or meaningless, no strings attached…friendship. If you look your best, you will feel your best.

  1. Conversation Topics

Did you know that a survivor of the Donner Party went on to open a restaurant? Is not a good conversation topic, educate yourself on good ones. Topics like what do you do, where do you work, do you have cats? Where is your cat? Can I show up at your house and play with your cat? So, sports- good conversation is based on a good topic. Is it raining cats playing sports? Think of your own unique, quality conversation topics.

  1. Use Your Manners

Manners maketh the man- and also if you have a vagina, or identify as other sex parts. Use them, be polite, rudeness is highly looked down upon. Except if you’re a Christian or a Feminist, or think you’re right. Sat excuse me, pardon me, I’m sorry, can I please go to your house and play with your cat? The “P” word is the magic word. And magic, you know, a baby defeated Lord Voldemort, and Smaug, and the power of the, also, Puck from Gargoyles.

  1. Be Yourself

The only self you can be is you, which is a blessing. If you simply be your true authentic self, people will like you. Unless you are any of the following.

-An –ist

-A Serial Killer

-Nazi Sympathizer

-Are Political

-Are Religious

-Janet

-A Sex Maniac

-Love Kids

-Can’t Stop Talking About Your Kid

-A Thief

-A Murderer

-Other –ers

-Were Following Orders

And many more fun things! If you aren’t anything, you’re good.

  1. Compensate for Being Yourself

The only self you can be is you, which is a horrible, crippling curse. If you simply be your true, authentic self, people will have opinions about you. Put on a show, be your best self. Which often involves not being yourself at all. But the bright side is if you placate people, they will never see you coming I mean, no strings attached s…more friendship. 

  1. Lie Through Your Teeth

In order for them to not see you coming, lie through your teeth. Play the part, it worked for Amy Dunne, and who has a nice family with a husband who knows where his prole place is now? And where to keep his man parts? Amy Dunne, that’s who, her child will be so lucky.

Make yourself look good, explain some things, make excuses. It’s how people have tolerated each other for millions of years. It’s how society has been kept together, intact. If you’re not broken yet, you’re should go get fixed.

  1. Be Batman

Sometimes a stealthy exit is necessary, you have to pee, that guy in your tr…I fricken love friendship, you have to work tomorrow, all valid excuses. Quietly slip away, say goodbye to people that you actually like, and be on your way. No one who matters will judge you. Step over Janet, hide Janet in a bush, your trunk is full, and go back to your evil home, lair, home, kittens.

These are just a few tips to help you survive your next social gathering and the alcohol-free ones. But if all else fails, happily that’s still an option. Good luck at your next party!

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Should I Like This Child?

Should I Like This Child?

Children are people, and people grow up to be adults. Adults get drunk, so if children are tiny people, who grow up to be adults, ergo they are tiny drunk adults. Not everyone likes drunk adults or tiny drunk adults.

Even though they’re the future, children aren’t perfect. They are still learning. They’re testing things, learning right from wrong. It is recommended that this occurs at a younger age because it’s more endearing and you don’t have to pay alimony, and/or child support.

Everyone was a child once, except for androids, but not every android, or human adult, has time for some children’s learning shenanigans. Plus some kids can be real dicks when doing them. Empathy is a learned skill.

People who don’t have the time or patience for children or certain children, aren’t evil. They’re just honest. They can even help children learn faster- because they’re much less biased and don’t worship the darn things.

Which is offensive to most adults who got drunk and made a tiny drunk adult, or adults. And why those kids, you know those kids, just turn out to be the most wonderful adults.

But there are good children, and what makes for a good child, a child other people, who didn’t make it actually like? And don’t giggle when it trips over all the toys it prized from other children and claims them for itself. And break all of their bones and get leukemia then end up on one of those St. Jude’s Commercials.

Good, Likable Children:

  1. Make Sufficient Noise

If you’ve ever been around children, babysat, or worked at a daycare- you’re welcome for my service, no noise is bad. People, and especially children, are supposed to make noise. Just not too much noise, for noise sake.

People need to know how to express themselves, and say when little Suzy is making a shank for her sock puppet. Some things must be said, brought to attention. Some things are signs, signs that need to be learned, are signs.

And generally, you can never avoid people, be quiet all the time- unless you’re a mute hermit, social skills have to be learned. And learning how to speak, who to, and other unwritten rules. Understandable, reasonable noise is healthy.

  1. Listening Skills

Another skill that needs to be learned is listening, paying attention, being serious. Being too serious can be bad, but it’s not as bad as “Suzy the building’s on fire, Princess Daddy’s Fetish’s shank isn’t also a firehose, run!”

Despite Suzy’s, Suzy-ness, Suzy should be given a chance to live, redeem herself for her Suzy-ness. Listening and paying attention is also part of being polite, in tune. As children grow older, this skill becomes even more important.

When working at the nuclear power plant, someone has to remember the rods need to stay swimming, reverse conception, however the training goes.

  1. Sufficiently Stubborn

Nobody notices a doormat because it’s a doormat. Doormats can try to be fun, but they aren’t fun. A little stubbornness is healthy, shows confidence. You have to stand up for yourself eventually.

Children and even some adults will test where exactly the line is with some people, nay all people, they will ever meet- but they have to learn where it is. Not be perfect, get their way all the time.

This helps people learn how to compromise, negotiate too, and learn why people resist them disagree. Children hopefully grow out of the testing phase of this process and develop higher cognitive and social functions from this.

Like empathy, respect, generally considering other people, being strong and confident, learning when to, basically anything that would make them wonderful adults and employees, and receivers of special hugs, and normal friends too.

  1. Entertaining Shenanigans

If no one ever got into any shenanigans, life would be very boring. And kids get into the best ones because they have no f’ing idea what they’re doing. But they’re also learning experiences, and popcorn and being right is delicious.

When kids accidentally say bad words it is funny and adorable. Of course, you should tell them that Jesus can hear them, but sometimes there’s no better way to express the feeling that you’re using glitter for crafts than “F***! F***ing mother F****er on a F****ing, get all this mother F***ing glitter out of this mother f***ing classroom you mother F***er!”

But then you have to explain to the children that they shouldn’t say that. They’ll think it’s pretty, moving on, entertaining as in non-harmful, enriching learning, I hate glitter.

  1. Independent Streak

Clinginess is unattractive, no one wants to be with a needy person. If your kid can tie their own shoes, snaps for them. Everyone needs to learn how to function on their own eventually, be independent, life skills that let them live as individuals.

A not cuddly, loner-ish child isn’t a Sociopath. Plus, kids can grow out of that or adapt. Or maybe they just play, and not just kids, interact with people differently. Or need less coddling and attention, they’re probably just confident and comfortable with themselves.

Also, definitions of friendliness differ, even children have boundaries, and quite obviously children they don’t like. Leave them alone, don’t make them “make friends”, this isn’t “Mob Wives”. Maybe they don’t want to be part of the group- also some groups just really suck, are downright toxic.

You know what else is downright toxic? Children you don’t like. Read all about them next week!

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Please Shut Up About Jesus

Atheists, and Muslims, the two most hated groups in America. But why? Well according to a study on the subject they just don’t line up with American values. Which are generally accepting everyone, knowing that everyone is different, tolerance, freedom, not….

The founding fathers were Christian, or at least Christianish, fact. They all agreed that everyone should have freedom of religion and not be discriminated against, the second fact that people tend to forget. And that they live in a pluralistic society, world.

Everyone would love to live in their own little bubble. Sadly though, and especially for religious people and societies, this is not possible. But how can you function better? What a coincidence that you just asked that question that I prompted you to ask. Here are some tips.

  1. Learn the Art of Conversation

Jesus was a cool dude, got along with everyone, had a lot of friends. He knew how to talk to people, make genuine, fruitful connections. How did he do this? He knew not to interject that He was the Son of God every five minutes, you’re welcome, and you really should get on the Jesus train to heaven.

Transitions in conversation are often overlooked, but shouldn’t be. If you randomly change the topic mid-conversation, someone has an agenda. No one likes that or will be interested in your agenda.

There’s a time and place to discuss faith and religion, and it’s not every conversation you’ll ever have. Also, how is bringing up your faith unsolicited just not asking to start something, that you hopefully can handle?

  1. Calm Down

Do you know that one person who just can’t stop talking about their cat, or significant other? And if you’re not doing the same, you are heartless. You think about stopping them, or telling them ooh look a distraction- but then you’re oppressing them, being mean, they just want to talk. You don’t have to, or ever will, but they have to.

This is a horrible way to convert someone and you look like a crazy person. It’s offensive because it’s true. You also make other people who share your beliefs, but more reasonably, look bad. The Pope does not know Kim Davis and the average Muslim doesn’t know, or want to be associated with ISIS.

Never be ISIS or Kim Davis, it makes you look bad.

  1. Don’t Judge

Gay people have existed since the beginning of time, gay animals have existed since the beginning of time, race, species mixing has also been a thing for a while- just because you don’t know of it, or do it, doesn’t make it evil, or a foreign invasive force.

94% of male Giraffes are bisexual. What have giraffes ever done to you? And if a giraffe ever did anything to you, say called you short, a little spinner, that doesn’t mean all giraffes do that.

Most people want to be left alone, allowed to live their lives in peace. You are probably one of them, because the Bible probably says so somewhere. And the Bible has some very good points, and general life advice.

Even Atheists, and Muslims, know that you shouldn’t fall in love with a sheep and abandon your family and all responsibility, accountability for your actions. Which was falling in love with a sheep.

  1. Think Outside Your Box

Despite popular belief, you aren’t all that special. You have more in common with your enemy than you probably realize. Which is why they’re your enemy. Or any random person on the street really.

You have problems, they have problems. You have feelings, they have feelings. You have a spleen, they have a spleen. They might feel that they have a problem with their spleen though, if they are doubled over in pain, consider that.

You don’t know what problems or struggles someone else has, they don’t know what problems or struggles you have. They certainly aren’t excuses to go do stupid s***, but realizing they exist can prevent a lot of stupid s***.

Never assume anything, without a crap ton of evidence. Which your own personal biases, and projecting your experiences on someone or something else, do not count as, at least 99.9% of the time.

  1. You’re not Being Oppressed

If you can freely talk about, and proclaim your religion, in public, you aren’t being oppressed. Especially if your law, society, majority culture is based on your religion. You won’t get your way all the time, because there are other people besides you in the world. They need to be considered.

It is very important that you learn how to take this. And not rely on your magical sky dad. Because your magical sky dad has kids and lots of crap to do, all the time. Hopefully you are penciled in.

No one likes not getting their way, but life. You have to learn how to deal with things, in a mature way. And not summon Fox News.

  1. You’re not Going to Catch Them All

Did you know that Pokemon is still on T.V.? Yes, and Ash is still trying to catch them all. Which he never will, but Pokemon goes on, darn discovering new pokemon! Seriously though, imitation is the highest form of flattery, but not everyone will flatter you.

Not everyone needs “fixing”, or wants to hear the “truth”, there are lots of bandwagons to jump on. Some people are just bad jumpers or not interested. Everyone will not want to be like you because they like themselves, and aren’t you.

Everyone can choose to believe what they want to believe, that doesn’t make them bad or evil. Their actions dictate that, how they choose to act on those beliefs.

  1. Don’t Think You’re Better Than Anyone Else

No one is better than anyone else, even Jesus was like, chill guys, sometimes, and when the disciples asked which one of them got to sit by Him in heaven Jesus said, yeah, you basic Matthew. And Mark, and Luke, and John, and the other guy, and the one who isn’t Judas, and the other, it’s been awhile since Public School Religion, and where is the waitress with our mozzarella sticks? I’ll just, there she is! Peter, Peter, that was another one.

No one likes self-righteous people. Your faith, or belief system doesn’t make you better than anyone else. There are people that believe in ghosts, UFOs, the sanity of Gary Busey, they don’t go around saying “I can’t believe you people are missing out on this!”

But you’re blah, blah, blah, doesn’t make you not being a dick proof. In fact, it increases your chances of being a dick. But if you are blah, blah, blah, and aren’t a dick. Snaps for you, you can have one of Jesus’s mozzarella sticks. Take another one, Judas does not get any, for reasons.

  1. Agree to Disagree

Some people don’t wonder how scientists figured out that 94% of male giraffes are bisexual, some people don’t, a picture of Tilda Swinton? Others might say one of those creeper things, that mechanics use to go under, but then…the debate continues.

And will always continue until giraffes can talk, and reveal their secrets. You can still get along with others who share different opinions and viewpoints. Common ground may be found elsewhere, like giraffes are interesting in general.

Very tall, did you know that there’s only 7 vertebrae in a giraffe’s neck? Just like a human, they’re just a little longer.

  1. Respect Others 

There are people that are perfectly content with themselves. Who do not want to be bothered. Leave them alone, they’ll talk to you, but aren’t interested in what you’re selling. But there will be other customers.

But appreciate the non-customer too, try to get to know them a little, acknowledge them. Who knows, maybe you could learn something, practice your conversation skills.

Maybe they speak giraffe, or were the scientist that figured out that 94% of male giraffes are bisexual. How long, they could really use some human interaction. Might appreciate it.

  1. Don’t Try to Take Over the World

The Duggars are polarizing figures. Do you know why they have so many children? Well, they’re bazookas for the Lord, and the more bazookas they have, and the more they spread the good news- the faster they can take over the world, and suit it to their needs. Not your needs, but they’ll fix you.

This plan for world domination has been confirmed by ex-followers of the Independent Fundamentalist Baptist, Gothardism belief system, and not just my agnostitheist opinion. And would not go over well with others.

If your belief system wants to take over the world, be the dominant belief system, change it for itself, exclude everyone and everything else from the new world order- it’s a bad system, no one likes it, or will be sympathetic to it. They won’t want a part in it.

Wanting to take over the world because you think you have a good reason to is, no, no- unless you’re Ra’as al-Ghul, he has good points and ideas, people are, people. And people keep making more people, too many.

Everyone has a right to have and express their religious beliefs. But there’s a time and place, and a way to do it that won’t alienate people. Which is offensive, because it’s true. A good rule of thumb is if they wouldn’t shove their beliefs in your face, don’t shove yours in theirs.

Who or whatever you worship, keep worshipping. Just don’t forget to use your interpersonal and emotional intelligence every once, actually all the time. They’re horrible things to waste. Praise Cthulhu!

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How to Make Friends Part 3

Welcome to the third installment of our mandatory, court ordered, educational series, How to Make Friends. You may be thinking, well I know how to make and keep friends now, what am I still doing here, glued to my chair and physically restrained, Stassi from Vanderpump Rules.

Everyone congratulate her, she surpassed her records for thoughts she thought in a day! Give yourself a girl-never mind, anyway, friendship. The glue that keeps the world together. It is the gravity of relationships, the ozone layer of congenial relations, and giving Vladimir Putin his demanded sum of having an unblown up business. The International Community sees you Vladimir, you oligarch czar!

Friendship is an ever changing force. As you grow and mature, you change. Other people change, your relationships change, your priorities change! The world is a crazy place! Luckily you have friends who are your willing puppets and minions….I mean, co-pilots and compatriots, to help guide you through it.

But as with any organization, people come and go. Especially if you don’t pay Vladimir Putin. That doesn’t mean you disassociate with them, their roles in your life just change. For example, your grandma is dead. She is an ex-grandma, she has ceased to be, she is tired and shagged out after a long squat. She is no longer with you, and not the grandma you knew in your life anymore.

You still remember her, but your relationship is different, it’s evolved. It looks like Pissy Jenny and Mary Sue’s relationship has evolved.

Mary Sue: Did you pay off Vladimir Putin Pissy Jenny?

Pissy Jenny: No, why should I-

Mary Sue: Reasons, oh look, here comes my boyfriend. Over here Steve’s Cousin #2.

Steve’s Cousin #2: Hello, I’m Steve’s Cousin #2.

Mary Sue: Steve has so many cousins, that is how we met. At the family reunion.

Pissy Jenny: Gee Mary Sue why ever-

That’s enough out of you, might not approve of all your friends’ associations and relationships. Or even activities. But nonetheless they are still your friends. It’s important to support them.

Ursula: Grrr.

Mary Sue: Ursula, where did you come from?

Ursula: Grr.

Pissy Jenny: Ursula is right, the bell isn’t working.

Ursula: Grrr.

Pissy Jenny: Of course you’ve always known how to read because f*** it.

Steve’s Cousin #2: What a lovely vagina hat Ursula, I am a feminist too.

Mary Sue: Steve’s Cousin #2 is so great, I’m so in love with him, I’m going to ditch and emotionally abandon you both to be in a relationship with him because love.

Wait, slow down Mary Sue. Just because you’re not single anymore doesn’t mean you should ditch your friends. Plus you usually make up some s*** about your feelings first. It’s important to remember that friendships last longer than most romantic relationships. And any good, worthwhile, relationship doesn’t ruin a friendship.

Ursula: Grrr?

Pissy Jenny: No, raccoons won’t steal your wallet because it looks like they’re wearing little burglar masks.

Ursula: Grr?

Pissy Jenny: No, I’ve never dated a raccoon.

Ursula: Grr?

Pissy Jenny: Other species aren’t my type.

Ursula: Grrr.

Pissy Jenny: Having a squirrel in your mouth that way isn’t the same as-

Athathumm, what a disloyal, defector bear. Lets ask our friend, a scientist, how much longer friendships last than romantic relationships.

Scientist: Hello, as you can see from this graph, my outbreak has significantly subsided since it’s initial appearance, on Monday the sores-oh, I mean, if you forget that other graph and look at the correct-

Thank you a scientist, you’re lucky I have no idea where that pack of wolves is. Anyway, friendship. When you, or your friends, get into romantic relationships, things will change. You can’t ignore them. Tell them that you can’t spend as much time together, you haven’t stopped caring about them. You will get together, but less often. Make these get-togethers extra special.

Mary Sue: I’m so happy to catch up with you at this macro organic clown school/day spa where we are-

Pissy Jenny: We already did that.

Mary Sue: Lets go get coffee and talk about our feelings. I will listen to all your words.

Pissy Jenny: Yay, mainting emotional and social connections.

You can also include your significant other, introduce them to your friends. Include them in your world.

Steve’s Cousin #2: Hi, I’m-

Pissy Jenny: Did you ever wonder what happened to the first one?

Ursula: Grrr.

Pissy Jenny: No, he wasn’t a baby, you didn’t eat him.

Ursula: Grrr.

Steve’s Cousin #2: Wow Mary Sue, what interesting friends you have.

Ursula: Grrr….

You may not always like your friend’s significant other, they may not like you. But you can still be civil and get along, for the good of your friendship with your friend.

Ursula: Grrr?

Steve’s Cousin #2: I’ve had veal, but.

Ursula: Grrr!

Steve’s Cousin #2: That’s right, we both have different dietary choices. But we both clearly care-oh my

Pissy Jenny: Welcome to the club.

Ursula: Grrr?

Steve’s Cousin #2: I guess I want a hug.

There are different reasons why you don’t like your friend’s significant other, but it could be jealousy. Being demoted in a relationship is tough. Feeling like you’re losing a friendship is worse, this can be expressed negatively.

Ursula: Grrr!

Steve’s Cousin #2: She has a taser! Owww!!!

Pissy Jenny: Actually I’m not really sure if she’s a, I mean, oh no Ursula stop, this isn’t healthy. I’ve never checked.

Steve’s Cousin #2: You can still be her friend!

What you see as losing a relationship is an opportunity. You can make more friends to fill the gap, or deepen friendships you have with others.

Pissy Jenny: Want to go to a Bar Mitzvah?

Ursula: Grrr!

Pissy Jenny: Look at you clapping your little paws and not tasing Steve’s Cousin #2 anymore.

What a good friend you are Pissy Jenny! How compliant for once! Is he, how long was he, get the scientist.

Pissy Jenny: See you at the Bar Mitzvah later!

But what if you can’t be friends with someone? What if it’s ill advised, counterproductive? What if Steve’s Cousin #2 makes it out of being tased by a jealous bear in a tutu and vagina hat alive? Can he and Mary Sue really be just friends after they break up?

Mary Sue: What, who’s going through a tunnel?

No one Mary Sue! Get out the laser pointer. No, the memories. It’s important to have boundaries, and be realistic in certain relationships if you want them to be healthy. Ooh look, Mary Sue is having a meeting with her new boss Ursula.

Mary Sue: When did you get a degree in finance and an MBA Ursula?

Ursula: Grr.

Mary Sue: I see, what was I-, ow, ow, you have a taser!

You can’t be friends with everyone, especially professionally. Those above you at work, or in any environment have to be objective. Justin Beiber was friends with his mom and look what happened. You need to get along and communicate civilly though, not take things personally.

Mary Sue: I’m sorry about that accounting error Ma’am, I will fix it right away.

Ursula: Grrr.

Pissy Jenny: Oh no, I missed being tased, look at me not being tased walking by my boss Ursula’s office.

Ursula: Grrr.

Mary Sue: What’s a bell?

Pissy Jenny: Ha ha ha ha.

That concludes the third, and next to last installment of our mandatory, educational, court ordered series “How to Make Friends”. In our next installment you will forcibly learn about or else, being just friends.

Is he, what do you mean, good thing we have a third, if he magically changes ethnicity. He’s breathing? That’s great the taser also probably wiped his memory. We got Mary Sue too. I don’t know, should we?

No, not the bear, are you a scientist at all? Don’t they teach you in Scientist school not to tase bears? Maybe I should- I’m glad we’re on the same page now. Get rid of that graph. You know, scientists.

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How to, humans, Life Advice, self help, socialization, Tips, Uncategorized

How to Make Friends Part 2

Hello, and welcome back to our mandatory, and for some of you Real Housewives out there, court ordered educational series, How to Make Friends. We’d also like to welcome the entire cast of Vanderpump rules, fun fact, Stassi is f***ing glued to her chair and immobilized. Kristen and Katie have no idea where they are but we’ve provided them with rose and risotto balls, so they’re cool.

In our first installment, Pissy Jenny was attacked by Ursula. Ursula’s claws, that are longer than Pissy Jenny’s fingers, and chest wide paws really put a damper on their friendship. Ursula leaned that chugging an entire bottle of Rumplemintz is a bad idea. Luckily there wasn’t a table, but now, look, they’re making up!

Mary Sue: Gee Pissy Jenny, you have a band aid on your forehead, that’s funky.

Pissy Jenny: I was attacked by a bear in a tutu and a pink vagina hat!

Ursula: Grrr…

Pissy Jenny: When the, no, no, I am-

Ursula: Grrr…

Mary Sue: You hurt Ursula’s feelings Pissy Jenny, look she’s holding a shank. And it isn’t bedazzled.

Ursula: Grr…

Mary Sue: That’s right, you love brunch too Ursula.

Ursula: Grrr.

Mary Sue: That’s right not all bears know how to cook. But you can work on it.

Ursula: Grrr?

Mary Sue: OMG, you should like tots Instagram me that girlfriend.

Pissy Jenny: How do you understand bears!

That’s right Pissy Jenny, you and Ursula don’t understand each other. You both communicate in very different ways. But with a little forgiveness and understanding both of you can be friends.

Pissy Jenny: She’s eating my turkey bacon.

Ursula: Grr? Phhh!

Mary Sue: She gave it back to you, what a grand gesture!

Good job Ursula, this a positive step in the right direction. You have to compromise, make concessions in some relationships. Agree to disagree, you may not be close friends-

Pissy Jenny: That is not (sunshine and rainbows) happening. Hold on I said, that is not (weeeeee) happening. I said, (words).

But you can still be friends, isn’t that right Ursula? See, Pissy Jenny’s turkey bacon isn’t that bad, and just like that turkey bacon you too one day can bring too unlikely, unexpected things together.

Mary Sue: I think you should go to dinner and resolve your issues.

What a great idea Mary Sue, going to dinner is a great idea to resolve those pesky issues between you, when has that ever steered anybody wrong? Oh, she’s glaring at me, she knows I’m right.

Pissy Jenny: I swear to-

Mary Sue: I’m watching you two have dinner through this window!

Ursula: Grrr….

Mary Sue: No silly, she’s not your dinner, you order from the menu.

Pissy Jenny: Please don’t give her any Rumplemintz.

Ursula: Grr.

Mary Sue: It’s what friends do.

What an excellent example you are Mary Sue, you are an amazing friend!

Mary Sue: Who is Steve’s Cousin?

Oh crap it’s coming back, no one important!

Mary Sue: Okay, la la la la la, la la la la…

Pissy Jenny: So….

Ursula: Grrr….

Pissy Jenny: Yeah….

Ursula: Grr?

Pissy Jenny: I, why not.

Ursula: Grrr!

Pissy Jenny: Oh, a salmon, thank you, I, they have sparkling grape juice.

Ursula: Grrr?

Pissy Jenny: You should try it, it’s great, oh waiter, could you get us a bottle of your finest sparkling grape juice?

Scientist: We have wine.

Pissy Jenny: No, that’s, hey you’re new.

Scientist: I’m a scientist/waiter because scientist expenses. We should not bump uglies right now.

Pissy Jenny: Uh…

Scientist: Sparkling grape juice coming right up.

Good job Pissy Jenny, reciprocate and encourage friendly gestures if you want to make friends. Now just be civil, respectful, really get to know each other.

Pissy Jenny: So, you ripped open a car to get to the food inside once.

Ursula: Grrr…

Pissy Jenny: Well I, disagreed with the omnipotent narrator once.

Mary Sue: Long may you reign!

Ursula: Grr…

Pissy Jenny: Thank you?

Ursula: Phhhhh! Grrr?

Pissy Jenny: I know it’s a little, I’m going to go crawl out of the women’s restroom window now.

Hold on Pissy Jenny, you can’t just up and leave. You can’t give up on relationships, and people. If people just gave up on you, I wouldn’t have let Ursula let you be here right now.

Ursula: Grrr…

That’s right Pissy Jenny does have beautiful eyes, now give Ursula a compliment.

Pissy Jenny: Your coat is, well kept.

Ursula: Grrr.

Mary Sue: I use Pantene too. Can I go now?

No, stay there forever!

Mary Sue: Okay.

Ursula: Grr.

Ursula is right Pissy Jenny you can be a really good friend when you actually try.

Pissy Jenny: Well when she’s not, thank you.

Ursula: Grrr.

Pissy Jenny: This didn’t end in a disaster, I was wrong about you omnipotent narrator. Mary Sue is right, I should learn to trust you more, you really aren’t-

Mary Sue: OMG, that is a beautiful meteor headed this-

Well that concludes this installment of, what? I was supposed to, thank God for scientists. Here’s an extra bonus clip of Mary Sue, Ursula, and Pissy Jenny on a girl’s outing.

Mary Sue: Gee, we are all having fun at this macro organic vegan clown academy/day spa where we are riding a pony on a unicycle in Palo Alto run by a blue eyes Saggitarius little person named Phrumph.

Pissy Jenny: Exercise.

Ursula: Grr.

Mary Sue: Ha ha ha.

Pissy Jenny: I want to go home.

Ursula: Grrr.

Mary Sue: She is too a feminist and agrees with everything you say or else. And I’m not taking anybody’s side.

Ursula: Grrr, grrr.

Pissy Jenny: That’s right, we are both her, oh my-

Now that concludes the second installment of our mandatory, court ordered educational series How to Make Friends, tune in next week when we talk about balancing your relationship priorities.

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