bullies, confidence, feelings, How to, humans, Life Advice, Uncategorized

How to Argue, Part Two

In any argument, hopefully it’s with another person, or yourself, or at least a cat. They make noises and have personalities. The wind does not count as an audience. The noises that people make, and their personalities are all different.

People also have different viewpoints, feelings which is why you can’t win them all. But there are some basic tips and tricks, that at least help you agree to disagree. But you still get to know your audience more when you don’t win, which is a win in itself.

Tone, Voice Level

Being loud and condescending is a turn off for everyone. On the other hand, being overly humble and quiet doesn’t work either. How are you talking, communicating your point? What words are you using, how are you saying them?

When people don’t like what they see or hear, they will move on- and not think of you very highly.

Listening

Not listening is another universal turn off, it indicates and often accompanies a poor attitude. That is not humble, or lets everyone speak and be heard. This obviously isn’t fair, and negates why people communicate with each other in the first place.

Why People Talk, Argue

You’re in this situation for a reason, don’t forget that. Someone started it, and has to take the heat or get out of the kitchen. Arguing isn’t always personal. People can just be wrong, ill-informed to their detriment.

Arguing, which doesn’t mean yelling, is helpful, useful. It resolves issues, helps people connect and really see, maybe even get each other.

To reach this point though, you need to know your audience and basically not be a dick. You also have to be strategic, what does your audience like, what will sway them?

Some topics and people are emotionally driven, i.e., “Childless couples are selfish”, others are logical, “Childless couples use birth control”, or a bit of both. A childless couple, or person who doesn’t like children is selfish or other bad adjective, hate them!

But when one considers the logistics of children, science, and the emotional factors, burden of raising children- they might not be for everyone for any reason. Or some people are just (possibly horrible) people who shouldn’t reproduce, or at least now.

And not having something doesn’t mean you hate it, or because you have it, doesn’t mean you like it. Everyone doesn’t have a car, do they hate cars and love riding the bus? No- and logical, true conclusions like this, are reached by arguing. And not assuming and generalizing, or acknowledging your feelings.

When done correctly- not being overly emotional, mentioning scripture, and relying on evidence, while using your manners eyes are opened, ceilings of all materials shattered, property lines determined.

So the next time you hear someone try to call down Jesus into court over a traffic ticket, run, after the person not doing that and staying on topic wins, and remind yourself that you’re not crazy.

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bullies, confidence, feelings, poem, poetry, Uncategorized

Millenial Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer

You know Dasher, & Dancer,

& Prancer, & Donner,

& Vixen,

Comet & Cupid,

& Donner & Blitzen,

but do you recall

the most oppressed reindeer of all?

 

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer

had a very shiny nose

and if you ever saw it

you didn’t & wouldn’t judge him.

All of the other reindeer

used to bully and oppress him,

pointing out his non-conformity

they always treated Rudolph

like a minority.

 

Then one night when Rudolph

was getting tired of this shit

Rudolp called the ACLU

and said he was being oppressed

but Rudolph wasn’t done yet.

 

Somehow some names and

personal information got on the internet.

Some strangers sympathized, but not with them-

and all of the other reindeer’s lives

became very grim.

 

And Santa ended up on

“Racists Getting Fired”

because he was white,

Which wasn’t very nice.

So Santa started drinking more

and worrying his wife.

Spiraling into a black hole-

but what else is there to do

at the North Pole?

 

Then the elves wanted $15 an hour,

& to takes back the worker’s power.

Also their insurance was shit-

all they had was an unlicensed dentist.

 

So the revolution began,

and was going to plan.

But Donner & Mrs. Donner,

Rudolph’s parent’s names

were placing blame.

 

Mrs. Donner said if you would have been more sensitive,

a better father, a dad,

which made Donner very mad.

He never thought that Rudolph was really his-

and Mrs. Donner said well I always imagined

that you were Comet.

Donner did not appreciate that,

and called Mrs. Donner words.

Then he said something Mrs. Donner

never wished she’d heard-

but always kind of expected.

The elves just had a dentist,

but the reindeer had a doctor.

Someone had a little snip, snip,

vasectomy-

he didn’t want to have more monsters

like the one Rudolph had grown up to be.

 

Meanwhile Rudolph’s Social Justice friends,

met with Santa’s publicist.

And one foggy Christmas Eve

Santa stumbled over to say

Rudolph with your nose so bright,

no one is winning this fight.

And they had a long talk-

the Donners decide to work on their marriage,

and they all became more aware of

Patriarchy, Enforced Cultural Norms, Unrealistic Standards

of Beauty, Slavery, Oppression, Worker’s Rights, Racism, Sexism, Micro-aggressions,

Macro aggressions, Sexual Harassment, Systematic Racism, Bullying, Cyberbullying,

Sexualization, Feminism, Physical, and Emotional Abuse, life really is a crap shoot!

And they murmured out with heh, and realized there were better ways-

and for a publicity stunt Rudolph guided Santa’s sleigh.

Was he given special treatment?

A brand new 9th spot?

Yes, a little bit-

but everyone was getting tired of his shit.

 

And everyone won the lawsuit,

metaphorically,

the elves got reparations

and Santa slowed down on the libations.

And how the reindeer pretended to get along

and sympathize with Rudolph,

not judge his cause.

 

But wise old Santa Claus had an idea,

we’re not getting social media any year!

Mark Zuckberg, CEO of Facebook,

you’re not making money

and personal information to sell here!!!

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How to Say No to Other People

Peer pressure, the taint of all humanity. Has it kept humanity together sometimes? Yes, if you remove the taint then all your s*** comes out. Doesn’t mean it’s still not the taint, and reeks of it. You can’t get rid of your taint, but you can’t let it rule you.

An insidious force that once had evolutionary value, peer pressure will make people say, do or think like everyone else, so they stay safe in the group. There have been several scary but fascinating experiments that study this, i.e. the Milgram and Asch experiments. In which participants were essentially convinced to go along with the group, or whoever was in charge, because that’s where the power and influence was.

Not to say that this can’t be used for good. If you conducted a survey of 100 people and asked if you should try meth, and all 100 say no, so you don’t, those people just saved your life. Or if you asked your family if it was a good idea to have an affair and break up your family, and your family said no, giving you a never ending supply of arguments against such a course of action, your life would be saved, again, probably. Cheating is stupid.

However, due to human nature, peer pressure has more cons. You are easily manipulated into doing or going along with something you disagree with, or aren’t all on board with. Just to stay like, people use you for their own gain, you lose all individuality, you become resentful, people walk all over you, lose respect for you, your backbone is ripped out and trampled on in the street. Just so you don’t die alone and unloved, hopefully. Peer pressure doesn’t give a s*** and is the most disrespectful force in the universe. If somebody really respects you, they will know that you can’t always say yes and cater to them all the time.

Which is why it’s okay to say no, it’s hard but do you want to lose your backbone? No, you should be saying no. You will learn how. Here is a real life example below.

Pissy Jenny: Leggings count as pants, don’t they Mary Sue?

Mary Sue: No they don’t, they’re called leggings, not pants. Plus they’re not always modest.

Pissy Jenny: Well if you were my friend, who cared, you would-

Now is the time to strike back, you are under fire! This is a classic tactic. Mary Sue should restate her opinion, say it’s just her opinion, without being defensive, and that Pissy Jenny her will just have to agree to disagree. And this has nothing to do with their friendship, it’s quite an overreaction. Easy right? No, no it’s not for some reason people keep talking for no good reason.

Mary Sue: It’s just my opinion, we’ll agree to disagree and not overreact or let this affect our friendship. We can respect-

Pissy Jenny: You have betrayed me by not going along with what I say Mary Sue.

Everyone says it differently, but basically, it’s not that creative. They have teeny, tiny, fetus brains and the emotional maturity of one generally, when apparently so gravely besmirched. Now you may be tempted to explain that they’re being a vapid twat and a pussy a**, but don’t. Even though you’re technically not lying. Especially if they need a crew to back them up, better known as back up pussy a***s. You have to dig in your heels and defend yourself. If you have a green lantern ring floating your way it helps. They also might mention an imagined consequence if they’re being extra vapid today.

Mary Sue: I am going to try and be diplomatic walk away, and simply admonish you for your pissy attitude Pissy Jenny.

Pissy Jenny: Are you scared of me? You know I’m right. You will also be losing a friend in me.

Yeah, the script doesn’t, they also might say you’re being racist, or they’re being oppressed, when they are quite obviously not, usually. They’re just being little C-words who are going to die alone if they keep this up. You must stay firm, unlike the ground that they think they’re standing on. Be the actual grown up.

Mary Sue: I don’t know where this is coming from Pissy Jenny. You’re just screaming in my face and not letting me speak at all. I don’t need to be or want to be friends with someone named “Pissy”. Especially given this unbecoming, abhorrent conduct.

Pissy Jenny: Fine, don’t be my friend.

Mary Sue: Your pride is going to ruin you.

Pissy Jenny: Interjection, I dislike you because I begrudgingly respect you now.

Does this ever always work? No, humans. Stupid, stupid, proud humans. What options do you have now? You can walk away, draw a line, set a firm no bulls*** boundary. This is healthy and mature. Or, you could strike back with similar tactics if you are just getting too old for this s***t.

Mary Sue: You are losing a friend too, I tried to be reasonable and grown up with you, my former friend, but I’m not friends with petulant children. I can go find better, more mature friends, while you just sit here and cry, because I dislike you and you are weak.

Pissy Jenny: You think I’m immature and weak? That’s not right! As in, you totally are right, I will do whatever to remedy this situation and mend our friendship.

Mary Sue: That last part was supposed to be in parentheses, but good job on the self-awareness Pissy Jenny, I am slowly but surely regaining respect for you.

Pissy Jenny: We were arguing about pants.

Mary Sue: Good thing you didn’t bring back up, because I would have utterly destroyed them or converted them to my side. And would have taken sick joy in elaborating on it.

Pissy Jenny: How out of character for you, she should write us into her blogs more often. So she remembers our characters.

Mary Sue: Didn’t you die many blogs ago?

Pissy Jenny: Where is Steve?

Peer pressure, give me $5 each and I will tell you how to handle the back-up, is an overwhelming, evil, vile force, but it can be overcome. You don’t have to let your taint rule you. Especially if you don’t physically have one. Just stand firm and watch, or let, the groupthink weaken and wither away. No matter how big and bad a group may look, they can’t all be thinking or agreeing on the exact same things. Divisions will show up eventually. Then you can take joy on your victory. It may just be a battle, but for once, peer pressure lost today.

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It’s Okay to Have Feelings

Feelings, the “F” is for (fudge) the “E’s” are for “eee…”, the “L” is for Lord, the “I” is for I, , the “N” is for need, the “G” is for gin, and the “S” is for stat. Don’t get me started on emotions. Feelings are little, things, everybody has them. They’re like herpes, sometimes there’s an outbreak, sometimes it’s hard to tell if people have them, but 90% of the population does have feelings, at least. And when there’s a major outbreak all over, and all the bumps, and the burning and the, yeah, feelings.

Feelings are absolutely horrible, but it’s okay to have them, they’re also kind of like children. Some more resistant than others that need special attention. This happens to everyone. No one should judge anyone else for having them.

Feelings are like children in another way, you have every right to have them, but people will question why you have them. They’re also like children in way because you shouldn’t let them rule your every decision and give them so much attention. Also, if you only focus on them, nothing ever gets done or is accomplished. And they keep popping up, annoying you, make you want to build a time machine and use protection, metaphorically. Sometimes you just can’t sleep because of them too, and you don’t you know, but do you really want to make more of them? Abort, just abort, metaphorically. My mother is very Catholic.

People will question why you have feelings, that they disagree with, if they agree with your feelings then they want you to have more, whenever they have the chance. They are very just people in that way. They will try to persuade you to their way of feeling and thinking, that they’re right.

And they might be, like how when you finally realize that you & Doctor Doom will never make glorious offspring that will be raised by Boris and the Doom Bots while you actually have a life. And that people have every right to wear leggings as pants. They just won’t comply, and that’s normal, you’re so very, very normal. Mommy didn’t lose the shipping label to expedite you back to the stork for a reason, she’s such a Hufflepuff, her not finding it could not be a random occurrence.

Coming to terms with what you didn’t want to believe or hear is difficult, but you can’t just make your cortical node function again. It can be hard for others to come to terms with this too, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very (two hours later) very, very, very, very, very difficult.  But people have to get over their feelings of not being able to get over the fact that you have feelings and be em-pathetic, I mean, compassionate, under-standing of you and your feelings.

There are things besides themselves and view-I have all the points to consider. They’ve been wrong before too, and you’ve been right, and hopefully not written “I will turn your virtue into pitch” in pig’s blood on their house. I mean, not on their faces, come on their faces, no, no, no, rubbed it in their faces. You are a better person. Everyone just have to get over themselves sometimes, and be, or pretend to be their best selves.

No one can control other people…most people can’t control other people, and their feelings. Anyone who can should call me, I mean, has issues.  This is not healthy and a sign, if you don’t want to have your feelings hurt anymore, stay away from these people. They will just do themselves forever and they will not miss you.

You can find and hang out with more empathetic, understanding people, they are out there. Another important thing to do is not let your feelings control you, see “Emotionality and Passion are Overrated.” Remember, feelings are chemical explosions in your brain. Don’t trust or follow explosions, run away from them. They happen but you don’t have to be right in the middle of them. There are better, self-preservation and sanity preserving ways.

Feelings aren’t always nice, they’re an unfortunate byproduct of life. But we must all deal with our own byproducts, and know that we can’t fix or eliminate others’. Or stop producing byproducts forever. As long as you live, you will have to deal with it, in a hopefully healthy way. So trudge forth in a compassionate and understanding way, or at least in a less judge mental way. It’s everybody’s right.

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bullies, confidence, extroverts, feelings, introverts, life, Life Advice, self help, socialization, understanding

You Don’t Always have to be Nice

Being, nice, kind, understanding, agreeable and forgiving are valuable qualities that everyone should have. They should exhibit them…to people who actually deserve them. I’ve been told that my grandmother apparently told me many last dying words, she was always talkative, even in life, but the ones I remember the most, as I was rushing to the hospital from  the other side of town, she was also a very loud woman (the wise old hag), is to be yourself, because everyone else around you sucks. Also, I forgot her birthday this year.

Not everyone deserves your kindness, these people will usually show you so. It is nice to extend your good will first, as an example of what a decent human being is. But if they don’t reciprocate it, screw them, don’t reward that behavior. By pure coincidence, my grandmother won every fist fight she was ever in, and is probably “The Devil so Stupid” jokes in heaven right now, while Jesus remembers how she was Grace O’Malley in a past life. Jesus, Mary, and Joseph and Chuck Norris.

You may be asking yourself right now, why didn’t my grandma get into fist fights, or, how do terrible people reveal themselves to you, and how shall I dispatch them, something about  self-worth and confidence. Those are all excellent questions.

Terrible people reveal themselves to you in a variety of terrible ways. They make you feel terribly about yourself because they feel terribly about themselves. They may be flaky, narcissistic, disregard you, walk all over you, in general treat you like crap, belittle you, manipulate you, make fun of the His and Hers mugs you got for you and your cat (relationship goals), and in a plethora of other ways. But there is a proven way in which you can dispatch them. A merciful, immediate way to dispatch them.

People will just do and say things to get attention, egg people on, feel powerful and bad, temporarily. Grant them their heart’s desires, just one. It’s the best way to destroy someone. Give them that attention.  They will thank you in their own way…by going away, very far away, tripping over their pants.

Odds are they will protest this, try to make themselves look good, come up with an excuse, or ask for back up because deep down they’re pussies. Who only think they have a right to have feelings, can control other’s feelings, and have exclusive rights to receiving sympathy.

They’re not also all that creative and are probably so stupid they probably shouldn’t be allowed to reproduce. When this happens, get on them. Do not let go until they say uncle. You might even quite suddenly acquire unsolicited backup, you can’t be their only victim. If they won’t respect you, at least they will stay very far away from you.

You might lose friends or face. People might not like you as much. Being liked is highly overrated, or loved. People screw over and hurt people they like and love, but ones they respect not so much. Also, anyone who side with your former tormentor is not worth your time, feel sorry for them, they made a choice. Apparently they were triggered by you standing up for yourself. They will regret this, and you will revel in the freedom of not giving into peer pressure.

But what if you think Karma is working fast enough? Well, live a good life, go on with your good self and you will be rewarded, and they will not. You will have to be very patient and grow as a person, but apparently it’s worth it. You will win by living a good life, and just ignoring them, giving them no attention. The cruelest fate of all for people like that, and sorry Dr. Doom, but maybe even the bestest way to destroy someone. Also honestly the longer you have to wait, the more you can maniacally laugh and remind people that you were right. It’s gotten me through quite a few Amy Dunne days.

Being nice is nice and it’s kind to be kind, people are quite aware of this, and will take advantage of this, and use it against you. Or just undeservedly expect it. You do not have to put up with that. It is perfectly okay to not put up with that, or not to be chummy with someone who does that. You can only turn the other cheek so much until you get whiplash. At some point in your life you will have to agree to be disagreeable. Be nice to people who are nice to you, people have always reaped what they sowed. If people haven’t figured this out by now, as my grandma said after her first fist fight, “and stay down.”

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You Can’t Spell Bombastic Without Bomb

Having a bull in a china shop is a bad idea. Especially if it manages the china shop, thinks it’s buddy, buddy with the owner, and that it’s the best manager ever. China is delicate, needs to be handled with grace and care, and people who spend money in china shops, buying formal china, expect certain decorum, around delicate china. Not in an oppressive way but just, common sense, it’s hard to put china back together once it’s broken to pieces. Some things, like china need to be handled a certain way. A way in which a bull might not understand but others  appreciate. And the china is much more valuable and precious than a bull. No matter what the bull thinks frankly.

Was I actually talking about china? No, it was just a better, more clever way to say that some people can be bombastic d**ks.

Not to say that there isn’t a place for people like this, d**ks are great at parties or social events, they hold everyone else’s attention while you sneak away and leave early to go home to play with your cat, alone. They also make great leaders…to take the blame for failure when something fails, because it will, because they’re being bombastic d**ks. A rare case in which sheer, utter incompetency is convenient and useful, for you anyway. They tend to take care…whack…eliminate, eliminate themselves, moving on.

Luckily there are people who don’t do this, whom you hopefully are. People who are comfortable with themselves, aren’t self-effacing, but have a quiet confidence. They aren’t perfect, can be wrong. They don’t want to be in the spotlight. Normal, sane people with priorities besides themselves, because there are things bigger than themselves. People who are humble.

There can be such a thing as too much humility, but it’s not nearly as bad as too much self-confidence. People who are humble are due the admiration they don’t receive nearly enough of. They are old, experienced souls.

It takes serious cajones to say that you stuff might not be that hot, and not be your own hype man or woman. You have to surmount your own natural inclinations, it takes so much self-control.

You know if you’re a guy, and you have a, but you can’t, and after a while it starts to hurt because you can’t, I’ve used a certain word far too much already, I’ve heard it’s quite unpleasant, and awkward. It’s a metaphor but it’s true. Now imagine having to metaphorically do that every time someone else starts bragging about you. It’s very well intended, but it can be a bit much. And unnecessary, annoying others, creating animosity. It takes so long for your first reflex to be to deflect attention, if you’re truly humble you are so serene, nothing hurts anymore.

People should want to be like that, they should get all the awe and attention, not people who can never shut up when they’re sober either. The complete opposite has so much perspective, is a veritable fountain of wisdom, they should get the chance to talk more. If they wanted it, if they weren’t such damn good listeners, and so darn conscientious.

Are they the most entertaining or fun to be around at first? No, but do you always have to be the life of the party? Parties end and you go back to real life. There’s a bigger picture, moments after this moment. People will forget all the crazy things you said and did, all your grand accomplishments. Also, crack is wack.

Also as troubling as crack, is the need for constant attention. CONSTANT ATTENTION and recognition, this is a sign. Narcissists are not fun to be around, they will hurt and manipulate you. They cause problems, very unnecessary problems. They make bad friends, but excellent sources of entertainment when they’re caught. Make popcorn and watch them squirm, it’s hilarious.

Honestly, everybody knows that you poop, there’s a book about it. After a while people will stop caring about your s**t. Especially if you just shove it in their faces, it is perfectly healthy to accept your own s**t though, and deal with it how you will, hopefully tactfully.

Some people might be powerful and popular, which is, an achievement, and maybe good, but that doesn’t make them good people. Or people other people really enjoy being around. Loudness does not correlate with being likable, reliable, trustworthy, or worthy of influence. On the other hand, look the direction where the spotlight isn’t shining. You’ll be surprised what you’ll find.

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How to Deal with Bullies Part 2

If you have a bully in your life, or know one, in your life, they can appear to be very powerful and intimidating. But are they really? Is anyone really that big and bad, besides Dr. Doom, did they sell the only woman who ever loved them, last shred of all that was good in them, to nether demons for power and then just give up on relationships? No, no they did not. Your bully or bullies might have jaywalked, once, but no, nothing involving nether demons. Although bullies want you to think the opposite.

This is the fundamental flaw not only in bullies, but all humans-they want to be respected, influential, in charge and intimidating when it suits them. The other fundamental flaw is that there’s a reason for this-something happened. It is your job to find out what this is and emotionally lobotomize them so much they just stop being themselves. And actually become decent people. Said evil mirror universe Jesus with a goatee once.

Both of these fundamental flaws must be tackled in order and individually, you can’t win the hearts of the masses and salt the earth of your enemies at the same time, as George Bush said, strategery.

To counter the need to be respected and intimidating, just don’t indulge it. That alone has broken people. Remember, your being an individual infuriates everyone. You don’t even have to do anything, just ignore them, their balls, or ovaries will be in your court. Then just question their existence, not in an asking them why their mother didn’t get an abortion sense, that’s a misstep. Hold on, I’m getting some information, it’s also very mean (but an effective last ditch tactic never not consider, cough, cough kittens, rainbows, and the cure for AIDS, cough, shock value). Don’t get on their level (unless you have to).

The less rough, more effective way to fix the behavior is a simple why, or odd look of misunderstanding that implies sheer flabergastness, finding their actions nonsensical, then just walking away. Boom, you’re in. Literally in, the moment will be forever burned into their minds, and that’s a good thing. They will begin to question themselves, they could even decide on a major. Self-doubt will creep in as all that power slowly slips away into your metaphorical pimp cup of the soul-and you can get drunk on it, if you wanted to, that’s not, have a sip, and revel in that sip, just that, metaphorical pimp cup of the soul.

And soon it will runneth over, and things will start spilling out. Keep your ears open for important intel, the enemy’s recklessness and emotionality are your friends. Someone is going to screw up, let something slip-write it down, memorize it. Soon your enemy will act out, and who will your enemy come for? You, which is why you must be prepared.

Compile all that enemy intel and come up with a list of comebacks, but not just any comebacks, jarring, but insightful, will breaking comebacks. Comebacks that could make Satan find Jesus. Or make Dr. Doom say that he could have been wrong. The following are excellent examples.

  1. I’m sorry no one would miss you if you died but don’t take it out on me.
  2. You have no power over me.
  3. I respected you once.
  4. Come back when you’ve earned my respect.
  5. I don’t know what it feels like for my own hand to break up with me, but I know what it feels like to not feel loved or acknowledged too.
  6. Your problems aren’t mine, go solve them like a grown up (also great for shutting down never ending small talk…my INTJ is showing).
  7. Are all of these people your friends? I’m sorry you can’t handle your own s***.
  8. I’m going to go live my life now.
  9. I don’t want to know what happens when you think of me.
  10. That’s interesting, please explain further because I have nothing better to do than listen to you tell me how insecure you are all day.
  11. Who are you exactly?
  12. Did somebody molest you as a child?
  13. I want to get out of your head too, but this certainly isn’t helping.
  14. I’d be upset too if my s*** was clogging a toilet at the North Pole.
  15. Do you want your balls back? Because you got drunk and accidentally gave them to me.
  16. Just shake your head and mutter sad little human flesh sack, then look person or persons up and down, then go back to ignoring them.
  17. You’re going to die someday. (mic drop)
  18. Somebody doesn’t have better things to do.
  19. Your bucket list called, it just kicked the bucket because you’re doing all this instead.
  20. F*** off and die. (For emergency situations, when finality is in short supply)

The free membership to E.H. Adams’s sassy comebacks lasts a month, you can use 1-5 for free, $1 each for all the others, after a month the basic membership fee is $15/month, only 50 cents a day, you can use all profanity free sassy comebacks for free, there is a surcharge for 7, 14 and 20, $5, but if they’re well executed totally worth it. Premium Membership is charged yearly at $90 (you save 50% a year compared to basic membership, what a deal!), it comes with unlimited use of all 20 and a monthly consultation, during which you have the privilege of buying my lunch (I go to the gym in the morning and buying me dinner first could lead to misunderstandings) while I charge $10/hour for brainstorming new, premium members only comebacks, but mostly talking about my cat, and how cute him and the dog look in people clothes. I have a business.

These excellent examples, the free trial membership, the, really? Fine, these, you’re going to owe me $15, at least next month, will surely equip, it’s just $90, I have, you’ll think about it? Good job, I also accept North Korean, Zimbabwean currency, and  Hungarian Crowns. Currency exchange rates apply.

These excellent examples, if you haven’t figured out what happened yet, will surely lead you to figuring out what happened, and your former tormentor running away in soul drowning tears. And a Yellow Lantern ring possibly floating your way.

The next step is ironic and surprising but very effective-help and befriend your former foe. Don’t just let them suffer and loathe themselves, basting themselves in self-hatred and regret. You go get that power over them, I mean, help, them. Be the better benevolent influence that knows what’s best for them. First, of course, you have to apologize, make it convincing, pretend they’re a kitten. Then tell them what’s wrong, how they make other people feel, give them good advice, some hop-training, hoptraining, add the “e” and the ring stops working.

Then you can just watch them become better people-your better people, who owe you something, and don’t know the results of your Dark Triad test. Enjoy making their lives better, being their new, better friend. Who will get to know them, and their deepest darkest secrets very, very well, just in case. And coincidentally, you won’t have to deal with a bully anymore.

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